Chapter 20: "Emotional Abstracts"

I do not know how long I ran. I know it was a long while, but my brain had blocked out any sense of passing time, or of remembering how long it had been since I had started.

Truth be told, I am not fully sure of which way I ran at times, either. I changed directions. I had to throw Yumizuka-san off of my trail. I knew she would try to follow me.

I just know that I had to. I HAD to. If I did not, I would surely have perished... this uncomfortable sensation that I can describe as nothing less than death's pure embrace, had shadowed over the area where I had stood.

…...And like a coward, I fled.

I sit with my back against a tree, feeling the emotion that I had failed to keep in check stream down my cheeks. My breathing is still quickened, and occasionally, it hitches up and I inhale sharply against my will. The clouds from my breath disappear into the cool night air, after swirling and twisting gently upon leaving my mouth.

It is not fair... it is not fair at all.

In the west, they have some sort of saying that everyone is equal, allowed to be happy, and free.

Yet... no Tohno will ever be truly happy. We cannot be.

We are too tainted... sired of a crossbreeding of humans and demons, we are forever doomed to be this way.

There is no equality. A Tohno can never be fully human, and must always struggle to keep their darker, more sinister natures in check. They have great powers, but in exchange, there is always great pains, great struggles. First with themselves, then with their own life. The simple fact is that as half a human, they have half the lifespan of one. After forty years, a Tohno lives on borrowed time. It is only a matter of time before their inversion becomes irreversible, and even in my case, it should have been. Kohaku put a stop to that, and gave me enough lucidity to revert back, but it is still only a matter of time until I am forced to invert once again for some reason, and it becomes permanent. And when it does...

There is no happiness. A Tohno is doomed to a life of solitude. Even if they marry, even if they have children... the person whom they marry, whom their human side has fallen into deep, honest love with... that person can never truly know the struggles and problems they face. There is the illusion of happiness, of contentment, but no matter how hard the Tohno desires it... there is never anybody whom they can reveal themselves completely to. There will always be some amount that must be held back.

…...I remember... I remember Otou-sama's words. The very first words I ever learned. "We live alone, and we die alone, Akiha." Those were the first words I was taught by him. And yet, I also know that seclusion does not bring about happiness. However, if done long enough, one simply forgets how to be happy...

The only freedom for a Tohno, is in death, the eternal peace that equalizes us all. From the day they are born, a Tohno's fate is sealed. One will be raised as a successor to the branch... or in my "fortunate" case, the head of the entire, global family. The others will still have their abilities, which vary from child to child. All males will invariably die around the age of forty at the latest. Females... are very rare. Besides myself, there was exactly one female Tohno whose birth was recorded in the last six generations. She disappeared at the age of eighteen; nobody knows exactly why. She ran from home and was never seen again, according to our records.

Thus, Tohno Akiha was born September 22, 1985, with no equality, happiness, or freedom. Those were all taken away from her by birthright, and they shall be returned to her upon her demise.

To mask this, she kept to herself in the mansion. A quiet little girl, who liked books. She enjoyed spending time with her brother, and talking to the new maids her father had gotten.

Then, one day, a new boy arrived. His name was Shiki, the man said. A name just like her brother, but written differently. And the little girl looked at this boy curiously.

He was a lot like her brother. They would run and play together. Laughing, and teasing, and acting as friends do.

But, they were not the only ones who would be playing.

The new boy named Shiki would take the hand of the girl, who was watching them timidly from a distance, in the courtyard. Even though his hands were dirty with dirt and grass, he would take them with the sincerest gentleness.

"Come on, Akiha! Play with us!" he would say before pulling the girl out of her chair and running off with her.

And he would make her run until she could not run. And together they climb, and jump, and just laugh when they fell and his clothing and her dress got dirty.

Before long, the little girl enjoyed being with him.

Then, one day, he had to go. For his health, the man said. The little girl said she would miss him, and would wait for him to return.

And she waited. And waited. And waited…...…

…...For eight years, she waited. In that time, she grew up, and forgot why she truly waited. By the end of it, she knew she was waiting for him, and that it would joy her greatly to see him again, but she had forgotten her original purpose of why, exactly, she told him that she would wait for him.

Then, the man died. The girl, now a young woman, took over the position of the head of the household. She recalled the boy named Shiki immediately.

And he came home. And her heart swelled in her breast. But she knew she could not just hug him. Nor could they play, as they had. They were young adults, now, not children. Children played; adults did not.

...And yet, when someone returns, the carefully-maintained illusion that they used to get through life, through the rough years…... can all just crumble to nothing, like a sand castle against the high tide.

That is what happened when Nii-san returned. He destroyed my own self-indoctrination that I was happy just as I was, that even though life was difficult, it was completely tolerable without changes. He would return, but life would go on as it had, with him being obedient to me, the head of the Tohno, and not questioning me, following my orders, obeying my requests...

…...All it took was his usual rebellious nature, and a few days later, I truly realized that I was so, so very lonely, and how badly I wanted to spend time with this boy whom, despite having lived with the girl for perhaps a year, had wound up becoming her sole reason for living...

He, who had coaxed the girl out of a life of relatively complete seclusion, and it took the space of perhaps a week for her to want him to rescue her from this life, as well...

"It's not fair!" I shout as I strike my head against the trunk of the tree, crying like a broken woman.

…...Like? No. I am...

…...I am broken.

This me... it is not a me I can be, anymore. I cannot keep up such a lie. It has done well for the last nine years, but it is exhausted and spent.

...But the one I want, I cannot have. Someone else has him, and he seems to be happy with that person, so…...

…...I do not want much out of this world... just... to love and be loved, really...

To have someone who can make me forget all my pressures and burdens, even if it is only briefly...

The human mind is not made to work constantly, and not have time for enjoyment. I enjoy things, of course... I enjoy playing my violin on the balcony on moonlit nights, and I enjoy my dancing lessons, and I enjoy the company of my friends... but, this is a deeper need. An innate human need.

...A need to be with someone who I can call my own and cherish their presence, every day.

Am... am I not even allowed to be entitled to that? First Nii-san cannot see me as a lover... that hurt, but I accepted it, because his love still exists... just not a romantic one...

Then I find Seo's doujinshi, and in my zeal to confront and convict her, she completely turned it around on me so fast I did not even realize what kind of mistake I had made in my assumption until it was far too late...

…...I hate myself.

It seems like every time I try to do something, it winds up not going to plan, or backfiring horribly...

I want to change, but how...? How is it possible? Otou-sama drilled rules, methods of thought, all of these things into my head as long as I can remember... but it especially picked up after that incident, nine years ago.

In the clearing, with the cicadas...

There "he" stands, hand gripping a dagger. A look of madness in his eyes. With a feral tone, he calls out my name.

I turn around to look at him, and he rushes. Surprised and scared, my feet remain rooted to the ground. It is only when I see the dagger being raised that I realize he intends to strike me down with it...

...And then a blur in front of my eyes.

The sound of something piercing neatly into meat. A clean, slicing noise.

The warm splash of the fluids of life on my face and body.

A cry of pain, shock, surprise, and finality.

I look up, to see "him" looking, wild-eyed, down at the ground.

As do I, and I see not the dagger in my chest, but the Nanaya child, dagger firmly lodged in his chest, wide-eyed, his red kimono ensanguined...

Nine years apart, two Tohno Akihas scream in mental anguish.

The sound of my voice of life echoing through the dead night air brings me back to reality.

I look at my hands. Shaking. The palms have been dug into by my fingernails without my realizing it, and rivulets of vermilion seep down my palms from the crescent moons engraved into them.

I feel the wind blow. Scarlet. Out of the corners of my eyes I can see that my hair is a flaring, vibrant shade. A shade that looks good anywhere except on my hair.

I pant hungrily for air. Painful. The air does not stay in my lungs, and clouds form and flow out of my mouth like a volcano, about to erupt with fury.

My blood has become excited, and I feel like killing. Murdering. Reaching into someone's chest and squeezing their still beating heart, and feeling it shudder violently as their warm blood baptizes my hand.

I feel like killing "him." Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over...!

Ten thousand deaths are not good enough for him! That day, his knife might have struck down Nii-san, but it also struck down the last bit of innocence Tohno Akiha contained inside of her...

It was bad enough that she thought she had lost both of her brothers – one whom she was glad was dead, and one whom she absolutely, did not want to die.

The one she wanted to survive, lived.

...Unfortunately, so did the one who she assumed had not.

So in order to beat her monster – the monster whose name was Death, and not Tohno SHIKI – she would have to become a monster herself. She would have to give in to that desire to murder him. To want to laugh as he cried in pain, to feel herself lick her lips as she savored his heat being plundered, and to feel herself become strangely hot with desire as he moaned in pain.

And she did just that. She became the monster to stop the monster. He is no more. He has ceased to be.

There is, therefore, no need for Tohno Akiha to ever have to use that form again. She has already used it twice – two times too many.

I close my eyes and focus on forcing out all of the hatred, fury, and primal bloodlust. "He" succumbed to his impulse. Tohno Akiha will not.

I would rather die than ever give in to it, ever again...

I force myself to breathe deeply and exhale sharply. Every cycle cools my boiling blood, bit by bit.

I feel the heat from my body dissipate through the full breaths I take, and then release. The kind of heat I do not like. The heat associated with an urge to end life.

"...Haaah..." I exhale sharply.

As I do, I feel something graze slowly on my cheek. I open my eyes to see it is the finger of Yumizuka Satsuki, and she is carefully wiping tears. Tears, despite my urge to kill, that have continued to flow.

"Akiha-san... you're crying..." she frowns. "...And your hair is red, too... so that means..."

I cannot reply. I feel that if I attempt to speak, the emotions surging in my head will cause my voice to falter, so I simply nod.

"…...Don't run off like that, Akiha-san!"

She hugs me tightly as she says this.

I blink.

Yumizuka-san's voice is a combination of slight anger, but mostly worry. Why should someone like her worry about someone like me...? It is true that I have helped her, but that is hardly something to fret about. When I would have managed to calm down, I would have found my way home fine, so there was no need for her to chase me down, really, she could have just returned home...

I sigh, swallowing some pride and emotion. "…...…Sorry, Yumizuka-san." The voice that says it has difficulty perfecting its timbre.

"It's a good thing you screamed! That was the only reason that I found you, you know! What made you run off like that?ǃ" She looks at me, slightly worried.

I shake my head. "Just... bad memories, Yumizuka-san. Bad memories of nine years ago... a day that changed my life. The day 'he' nearly killed Nii-san."

Yumizuka-san's expression of worry changes to one of sadness.

…...I feel bad for putting a frown on such an attractive face.

"Oh, that... right..." is what half-heartedly comes out of her. A look of sorrow crosses her.

…...Well, at least she cares enough about me - or at least, about Nii-san - for her to remember what I said.

...I sigh. I do not know why, but I just feel I have to get this off my chest, since she seems to have taken an interest in remembering what happened between me and Nii-san.

"...I feel like a part of me died that day, Yumizuka-san. My life was hard enough up to that point, but when that happened, Otou-sama became even more strict towards me. The few moments of joy I had in my life were gone. Even Hisui changed, in a failed attempt to cheer up her sister... it took eight years before I saw her smile again, and by that time it was unusual and unnerving..." My voice trails off.

…...This is silly. Why am I telling her that much of me so quickly? This is not like me at all. Obviously she would find out before long; one cannot live in the Tohno Mansion and not know about the Tohno, anyway, but... I am opening up to her so readily...

Yumizuka-san carefully kneels, and rests her weight on the backs of her legs. "I see... but, why are you telling me this, Akiha-san? You don't seem like the type to open up easily."

Ah. So she is thinking this too, is she? Of course. And she is correct, I normally would not open up to such a relative stranger.

...But as to why...?

I laugh softly. "Honestly? I do not know why myself, Yumizuka-san. Maybe my mind is trying to get rid of all my worries, because on Thursday and Friday I am going to be at my utter worst."

"What happens then?" Red eyes blink slightly.

"...An anniversary that I would rather be forgotten." I shiver. Now my body is trying to adjust to the lost heat from when I calmed down my blood.

...Or perhaps it is simply a subconscious aversion of what I already know to be true.

"What anniv– ...oh." She realizes. "Your fight with Tohno-kun."

I cringe slightly.

A day I would never want to relieve, or remember. A painful anniversary. A horrible reminder of a horrible time in my life, when Tohno Akiha existed virtually in name only, and the few fragments of my sanity did everything they could think of to try to stave off that murderous impulse inside of me, but they failed completely. Nothing – not even Kohaku's blood – could save me from it.

Tohno Akiha slowly slipped into lunacy, that night. A lunatic, worshipping a blood red moon, her hair, dress, and blood all the same color. A demonic triumvirate that could kill anyone it pleased, taking something that was once a man or a woman and reducing them to nothing but a mere thought.

I feel my heart wrench inside my chest, and I look down and bite my lip to prevent the tears from flowing again. I have cried enou–

Suddenly, I am pulled on. When I look up at who just pulled me, I find that it is Yumizuka-san.

"Just remember you're not alone anymore, Akiha-san. You have friends now who'll look out for you and stick up for you. You don't have to suffer in silence, you know." The smile has returned to her face.

...Yumizuka-san…...

…...…Why are you so selfless, Yumizuka-san…...?

You did not even know me before we met, really... our only connection was that we both had feelings for the same person. Nii-san, Tohno-kun... it did not matter what we called him.

But, that should make us enemies, vying for the affections of one we both love... should it not?

So why are you holding me like this, confusing my train of thought, making me feel not just accepted, but loved and desired...?

I... I do not understand this...

"Shh." She cradles me carefully, close to her chest, stroking my hair and back with her soft hands.

…...I do not deserve this...

...I cannot help but resume crying.

"There. It's okay. Let the pain out, Akiha-san. Let it out..." She wipes the tears away from my face.

I have no choice but to acquiesce to her demands.

And so, Tohno Akiha cries, held by Yumizuka Satsuki underneath a tree, in the dark of the night, allowing her liquefied pain and suffering out.

I am not sure how long passes. It may have been ten minutes, or thirty. But eventually, the pain stops, and along with it, the tears and emotions in my head cease.

"Are you feeling better now, Akiha-san?" There is a slight hint of a smile in her voice as she gently pulls me away from her now tear-moistened coat.

"...Yes." I inhale deeply through my nose to clear it, and swallow to relieve the last lingering feelings of tightness in my throat. I wipe my face one more time, getting some of my hair out of my eyes and look at Yumizuka-san. "If I may ask... why do you care about me and whether I am hurting so much, Yumizuka-san? Is it because of–"

"–Tohno-kun? No, he has nothing to do with it. I promise. I'm not using you just as a way to get to him. It's..." She sighs slightly. "It's that I know what it's like to be feeling how you feel. Cold. Alone. Scared. And to have no way to let it out... it can make a person go insane before long. I hate that feeling... feeling like you'd be better off dead, yet being too scared to do it yourself... crying every time I had to kill even the smallest animal just to survive for one day..." She looks like she's remembering some very bad things. "But, you're okay, Akiha-san. You don't need any of that to live... and you helped me... so... I want to help you too. It's the right thing to do, in my heart."

…...…I feel touched by her courage. She would definitely be my secondary preference for Nii-san, hearing words like that out of her mouth.

Maybe that is why I am able to open up to Yumizuka-san. Because she so shamelessly told me of her story, of her pains, of her hurts and fears, to the point where opening up like that to her seems not only easy, but natural.

I can honestly say that Yumizuka Satsuki is someone I truly admire. If a vampire she must be, then she is the most noble vampire I have ever met. And, aside from Arcueid-san, the only one I can really consider calling a friend.

If only there were more of them, then perhaps they as a whole would not be seen as an abomination. Yumizuka-san proves that one can resist those disgusting urges and thoughts they have, if one gives them just a little bit of help and a chance at a normal life again...

…...And perhaps if I am lucky, there will be a cure. Then she can resume a fully normal life. I would like to give that to her if I can do so at all, now. Nobody deserves it more. While Arcueid-san is a born vampire, Yumizuka-san is not.

...But I have a feeling that her opinions may have changed. When one shows mercy to someone who is as lost and in despair as Yumizuka-san was, it tends to change their outlook on life.

"…...Yumizuka-san. If I obtained that cure, would you take it?" I had asked her this a few days ago, but it always pays to check twice.

"That cure...?" She blinks. "Well... now, I'm... not sure... there are some parts of me I don't like, like this... but... I can protect others this way, too, so I'm a little conflicted..."

…...Mmm. About the answer I expected. She has realized her powers can be used in those ways as well.

She has learned that while she has a need for blood, that her powers are great, and potent. And that as long as she wishes to retain her humanity, she can.

I am no expert on vampires; that would be Ciel-san's domain. However, the times we have worked together, we naturally discussed things we stopped from time to time.

According to Ciel-san, vampires obtain the "vampire mindset" because they live solitary, desolate existences. Every human who becomes a vampire did not start out with the vampire mindset. They slowly lost their minds to the desolation of the situation, nobody to talk to, nobody to tell them things, nobody to smile to...

...Even "he" was no exception to this. The eight years of solitary confinement, unknown even to me, drove "him" absolutely, irreversibly insane.

…...…I will not allow that to happen to you, Yumizuka-san. If you must remain a vampire in body, there is nothing we can do about that. But I will not allow you to become a vampire in mindset. You want to remain a human... so, I shall do my best to accommodate that for you.

"Well, do not worry about it for now. But one day, we may have such a cure. If we do, it will be up to you if you take it." I look at her in the eyes, so that she knows I am serious. "I would not do such a thing against your will, of course, so the choice is naturally yours."

She smiles warmly. "I know, Akiha-san. And... thank you for your concern."

I return her smile with one of my own. "It is nothing, Yumizuka-san. Well..." I stand up, dusting my dress off. "...Shall we return? I feel better now."

Yumizuka-san nods, and likewise stands, dusting off her knees and shins. "Yeah. Let's go back, Akiha-san." She smiles.

And so, under the light of the half-full moon, the demon and the vampire return to a life of humanity.

...I feel much better now.
I am not sure why she did that, but...
...Yumizuka-san, thank you.

Next Week (10/24/10) – Chapter 21: "…...Atonement"