Chapter 21: …...Atonement

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Sleep was deeply restful when I returned. Yumizuka-san said she would watch over me until I fell asleep, and as I laid back in my bed, I felt sleepiness quickly overtake me.

"You were asleep within 10 minutes, Akiha-san. And you looked at peace," she told me in the morning, sipping on a blood pack, as I was about to leave for my trip to school. And she said it with a smile.

Perhaps it was the crying. Perhaps it was the loosening of my emotions. Whatever it was, it felt like the first good night of sleep I have had in awhile. Even though it was less than what I would normally like - four or five hours instead of my usual six to eight - I felt full of energy. And, admittedly, in a quite good mood.

I look out the window. Trees are flying by, seemingly parting way for me as the car I am a passenger in is heading down the long, back road that we usually go down. As it is now a month or so into autumn, the trees are turning an absolutely beautiful grouping of colors.

I sigh a little bit, happily, and smile. I love it best when the leaves begin changing colors, especially the ones that turn a deep red.

I turn my attention towards what had happened yesterday, with Seo. To apology. To the words I will say. I begin to think of what I shall say–

…...…...No.

That would not be a genuine apology. Seo would notice it, I think. She would notice that it seemed too perfect, too rehearsed.

The way Yumizuka-san had talked about it and discussed it with me, it seemed to be best if it came from the heart. If it came from true feelings. No rehearsing, no pre-thinking, none of this. Simply allow your emotions to be clear and true, and so will the apology.

…...She does have a point, of course.

Yesterday reminded me quite clearly that actions have reactions. Words bring about emotions, feelings, sensations. Simply put, things I say and how I act towards another will, in kind, change how they react towards me. If I am civil with them, they will generally be civil with me, but...

...If I am not, then it is likely they will not be so with me. "Treat others as you want to be treated," as the adage goes.

…...And then last night, to be reminded painfully that what had angered me so intensely was something really small and minor compared to the problems that befell Otou-sama and "him"... it made me nothing less than a hypocrite.

It also made me realize that what I really wanted was someone in my life to take away my pains and sorrows. Yumizuka-san seems to be fulfilling that role because I helped her.

It is a strange dynamic, I know, and Yumizuka-san does not seem like she would be the type who would normally be the helping sort. After all, she has her own problems to deal with. Problems like the daily struggle of her vampirism, and of wanting to be fully human, yet not being able to be again. Not unless a cure is found.

However... Yumizuka-san never shows these struggles. She does not seem to be suffering in silence... no, on the contrary. Talking with others seems to be what she does to help deal with it.

Or to put it another way, Yumizuka-san seems to be the type who, to deal with her pain and suffering, will talk to someone, about anything, even if it is the other person's problems. In doing so, she feels she is helping, and in helping, she feels more human, and in feeling more human, she gains the strength to deal with the certain negative aspects of her vampirism.

The last thing I need, going into tomorrow and Friday, is to have this guilt dwelling on my mind. It is bad enough I shall be informing my teachers that I will be missing classes Friday; I do not need to have anything further to deal with.

Therefore... I will find Seo Akira today, and I shall apologize to her. Yumizuka-san said it would be the best, and I think she is right.

Obviously, when one comes out – no, when one ambushes another – with such accusations, indignation, and almost... insults, it is very, almost stupidly, obvious as to why Seo Akira became as mad as she did. Now that my mind is lucid and clear, I realize this.

…...And even though it is a little difficult to admit, were I an observer to this sort of situation, I would be very likely to say that the person who was accusatory was the one who erred.

…...Perhaps that was part of Yumizuka-san's lessons last night, that I, too, can make mistakes. Of course I know I can make mistakes... half of myself is a human, after all, and a human is an inherently flawed creature. Yet, the drive to be the best they can be is the human drive, almost. The desire to better themselves, to make their lives easier...

...And happier.

That was the other half. Happiness. Something I generally lack outside of very brief moments, such as being with my friends, or doing things that I enjoy.

I will admit that I enjoy the time I spend with Souka and Hanei, and even with Seo. It is refreshing to be able to forget about what I have to do, or plans I must make, and to be able to live something resembling a normal girl's life more.

…...How I envy that existence.

Tsukihime Souka, Misawa Hanei, and Seo Akira will all live far easier lives than Tohno Akiha ever will. Even though Souka had the harsher upbringing, that is the limit of her "difficulty" for lack of a better word. She will never have to worry that she will invert, and kill those she loves, and become little more than a mindless beast who murders for the sheer pleasure of it, of knowing that she has conquered the most dangerous game – man.

...But it also means that they will think more emotionally than I will. My decisions are cold and sharp. A decision with them is thought out more empathetically. While I can distance myself from the emotional impact of a decision, such a thing is difficult, or outright impossible, for them.

…...That is why my words hurt Seo Akira as they did. And, to my surprise, her words in reply cut into me more deeply than any of the cuts I have suffered battling The Dead over the last year.

Before long, the school enters my vision. I feel my heart attempt to sink slightly, but I resist the urge to feel depressed. I cannot walk in there feeling depressed. Crying into Yumizuka-san's breast was bad enough, but to do so here...

I sigh, and force it down with sheer willpower.

Thanking Ishizaki once more for the ride, I inform him that it is possible I might be slightly late today, so I shall call him when I am ready to be picked up. I do not wish to keep him waiting if it takes longer to talk with Seo than I plan.

I unlock the door to our dorm with my key, and knock. "Souka, Hanei, it is me." I enter.

I see neither Hanei, nor Souka inside. Strange... usually at least one of them is here. Even if Souka is out, which is somewhat uncommon, Hanei is usually here, combing her hair, brushing her teeth, washing her face, applying acne cream, filing her fingernails... really, anything she can think of to keep her natural physical beauty in top form.

"...Souka? Hanei...?" I walk in, and look around for them.

This is when I hear the door shut behind me.

I turn around... to find Seo Akira standing there. Behind the door as I had done. And she looks…...

…...…Guilty.

"…...Seo."
"…...Tohno-senpai."

We both just look the other down for a few seconds. Her green eyes into mine, and my blue eyes into hers. Silence fills the room, as if it were some heavy gas that was filling the air, making it thick enough to stick in one's lungs.

"I am sorry."
"I'm sorry."

"…...…..."
"…...…..."

…...Well, for the moment, it seems our minds are joined as one.

"…...I was wrong for lying and tricking you," I offer.
"…...It still didn't give me the right to go off on you like that," she replies.
"You would not have if I had not deceived you." A riposte.
"That hardly makes it right to have did it." A counter-riposte.

"…...…..."
"…...…..."

Well, it seems we are both stuck. I had half-figured that such a stalemate was a possibility... just not in the form of this apologetic stalemate. I had figured we would very likely be arguing, not finding the right words to apologize.

...The fact that we are not is a very good sign.

I look over Seo Akira. Her face, normally with a rather cute smile, is tinged with regret. Regret, worry, nervousness... all of these, and more. As I look her over, her eyes look towards my face, and then drift up into my eyes, and they quickly resume looking down.

…...Subconsciously, she is submitting to my will.

"...Where are Souka and Hanei?" I ask.

"…...I told them I wanted to talk with you. They kinda heard about our spat and quickly got out of here." She wills herself to look into my eyes once more, since I am not examining her face so carefully.

...Leaving the war zone. Prudent.

"Well then... if we are both conciliatory, shall we sit?" I offer.

"...Yeah." She walks from her hiding spot behind the door to the table. I pull out the chairs for us both, and take my seat, and she takes hers.

…...The timing is right. Do it now.

"…...Seo. I apologize for my accusatory reactions towards you." It comes out... like I had rehearsed it, even if I did not. Dammit, this is what I had wanted to av–

"...Yeah. Sorry for flying off the handle like that, Tohno-senpai. I'm private about my work, you know that..." Seo Akira seems to not even notice the incorrect rehearsed-like nature of my apology.

I blink. She... did not say anything about it? Then, perhaps this is affecting her even more than it is affecting me.

...It must be, actually. Waiting like she did for me to come into the dorm is not something Seo Akira would normally do. No... it would be something to do if she wanted to be one hundred percent sure that she managed to find and talk to me. Tohno Akiha is a woman locked into routine, and that routine can get broken by external forces...

…...But the one part of her routine that is, without fail, consistent is that she enters her dorm room sometime between seven-thirty and seven-forty five every single morning, so that she gets at least a few minutes to talk to her roommates and friends.

...It would also be the best time to find her if one was feeling guilty about an argument and could not wait for later in the day to get it off her chest.

"…...About that, yes. I would not have cared had that woman not looked so much like me. It is not my job to stifle your creativity, or tell you what you can or cannot do, but please... if such a character must exist, alter her more so that she does not resemble me so much, Seo. If you do that, then I do not mind even if your stories must be romance ones, but I do have a reputation to keep."

Yes. That was really the whole reason why I got so angry over it. My reputation.

For a girl who only has few friends and few things she can be proud of, a reputation can be an incredibly important part of them. It is something I have worked hard at to obtain, and I would not want my reputation to be tarnished by Seo Akira drawing a girl that looked very similar to me, because it would not take much for someone to see it and suddenly make all sorts of false accusations about my character.

"…...It..." Seo mumbles something.

"Hm?" I listen a little more closely.

"It…... is you, Tohno-senpai..."

THUMP.

Those words came out slowly. Haltingly. As if afraid that if they came out, they would respark the whole argument once more.

"...Seo, you said yesterday it was just an image," I state, somewhat in shock. It... was me after all...?

"Yeah... an image... from my head... an image of the future, Tohno-senpai... that is what I drew..." The words come out even more nervously.

…...This is not good.

A vision is one thing, but... from the future? Then, this means... we will be together?

…...That is an absurd thought. But I bite my tongue. This sort of thinking is what got us into our argument yesterday. Besides, there is the simple fact that neither of us are romantically attracted to girls...

…...Right…...?

I know I am not... and I believe Seo has said before that she was not, but suddenly, my memories of yesterday are being hazy instead of sharp as they should be.

"…...But... you are not... ah, how to put this..." I struggle to find the polite way to ask this question.

...Ah, how DO I put this...

"Lesbian?" She says it so bluntly it throws me off a little.

"...Well... yes." I blush slightly at her forthrightness.

"…...No, I'm not." Seo stretches in her chair before resuming. "I'm not sure why I saw it either... or how I knew that it was you and me without a doubt... but it was a nice image, so I decided to draw it. But I knew since it looked like... well, what it looks like, that you'd freak out if you found it. So I'd hoped you didn't." Her words come out honestly.

This, then, is the truth. And of course... she was right. I reacted exactly how she thought she would, the one-track mind of Tohno Akiha being that thoroughly predictable.

"...But I did, by a sheer accident. If that doujinshi had not fallen out of your bag, I would have never seen it, and all of this would have been averted," I state.

"...Yeah... But you did, and went through it, but pretended that you didn't. So I was really worried when you said you found it, and trusted your word that you didn't... but of course, you did, and I got so angry that you lied and looked and I just... lost it..."

Her lower lip quivers slightly. As if holding back tears.

…...…...I know for a fact that I seen this before.

Because, last night…... I was in this exact same situation.

Then... I know exactly what to do.

I move my seat over closer to Seo, and pull her towards me carefully.

"T…...Tohno-senpai…...?" She looks up at me, blinking, wondering just what I am going to do. After all, I usually do not touch her too much, outside of the occasional hug.

…...But, this is more than a hug. No. This transcends such a simple act. This is a way to relieve pain, worry, doubt... things that have been eating Seo Akira, just as they have been eating Tohno Akiha.

…...And since I started it, it would be impolite if I did not finish it, would it not?

"...It is okay, Seo. Go ahead and cry if you wish to." I carefully move one of my hands to the back of her head, and the other to her upper back, and I rub them both, carefully, remembering that Yumizuka-san had done the same thing, and that such gentle encouragement meant that it was okay to do so.

After a moment, I feel her push her face slightly into my chest.

And... tears.

I look down at her and see her shoulders shrug repeatedly, as she is crying into my seifuku. I can feel wetness beginning to soak in on the part she is crying into, but it seems trivial to worry about such a thing. Her breathing catches and hiccups softly as she is allowed to release the pain.

...What is more important right now, is that Seo Akira is allowed to release the pain that has built since yesterday. I have gotten to release it…... she has not.

And, just like I had learned last night from someone whom is important to me, I just stroke her hair and comfort her as best as I can until she seems to have cried it all out.

"…...Let it out," I repeat the lesson I learned.

Her hands reach for my back and pull me in even closer. I can feel her fingers grip the fabric between them and clench slightly, not wanting to let me go, wanting to keep me there so that she could release this suffering. The crying gets higher in volume, both audible and fluid. There will likely be a noticeable wet spot on my breast, but I will dry that once she is done.

It is bad to make anyone cry, but knowing that I was, partially, responsible for the pain she is now releasing…... it makes me feel a little guilty myself.

…...I suppose it should. It is an unpleasant feeling, to know that I have made one of my friends cry. Therefore... I should do my best to not make her do so again if I can help it.

...Should? No. Should is not good enough. I WILL do my best to not make her do so again. A silent promise, said only to myself, but I shall hold myself to it.

Honesty and privacy, after all, is a small price to pay for that. To ensure that I do not make Seo Akira cry or suffer unduly. After all... I would be highly angry if someone took a look in my private possessions, as well, so me assuming that I can encroach on her possessions, no matter how curious I am, is hypocritical.

After some minutes, with a sniff, she slowly pulls her head away from me, wiping her eyes with the thumb and index finger of her right hand, and then brushing her cheeks with the back of that same hand. She swallows some of the remnants of her tears, to clear her throat.

"…...Do you feel better now, Seo?" I ask.

She smiles, even through her drying tears. "Yes, Tohno-senpai."

I smile too. That makes me feel a little better, as well. I wipe what is left of them with a small handkerchief I pull from out of my bag, and then begin wiping my breast where she had cried, causing her to blush ever so slightly.

"...So... I guess we're still friends, then?" Seo Akira's voice breaks the silence of the room once more.

"Yes, Seo. We are friends as long as you wish to be friends." The reply is so automatic it even surprises me. It rang out completely, clearly, and truthfully... without any hint or tone of practice or falsification.

As a result…... she smiles happily.

"I'm sorry, Tohno-senpai." She confirms her apology once more.

"So am I, Seo. So let us not dwell on the past, and just work towards tomorrow." As do I.

"Yeah. You're right."

Such a simple lesson, when I think about it. One that took me awhile to learn myself.

Live for tomorrow.

Nii-san understood that value since the incident nine years ago, but it is only now that I feel that I really, truly, genuinely understood it.

One's past is one's past. No matter what sorts of things they attempt to do about it, no matter how much they hate it, no matter how much they would like to go back, change, and adjust it... it is the past.

As cruel as it may be, wishing that one could go back and change things is a futile gesture. For if one goes back and changes them... one changes the very fundamental tenets of their existence. If I went back in time and killed "him," I would no longer be Tohno Akiha as I recognize her. I would be someone else – the same in name, but in personality, mind, and intellect... someone very different.

Whether for better, or for worse, that is difficult... no, impossible, to say. But that is also what makes dwelling on it so futile and pointless – there is nothing that I can change. For all I know, there may be some other dimension where I am dead, having been killed by "him." Another may have Nii-san as the killer and "him" as my savior. A third dimension may have something other than the Tohno blood responsible for his inversion... and there are surely universes where Tohno Akiha, or "him," or Nii-san, never existed. And in them all, life would go on as if it were the only one in existence.

It is a strange and difficult concept to think about, and one that a lot of people forget as they move through life. Who we are is not just a name, or even a personality, but a sum of experiences, memories, recollections, observations... that, truly, is what shapes us. It is what makes Tohno Akiha who she is, and it is what makes Seo Akira who she is.

"...Tohno-senpai? Is everything okay...?" The worried voice of Seo Akira snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Ah... Yes, Seo. Apologies, I was just thinking about something for a moment," I reply.

"Oh. Your face had a really difficult expression on it... like you were thinking something really serious."

"Well... insight will do that, Seo," I say. "Just remember that life is a fluid existence. Even though there are goals and things you want, there will be times that you cannot get what you want, especially if it is things in your past. So, do not live in the past, and just think about the next day. It was an important lesson, but a good one for me to learn, I think."

"...Lesson?" Seo Akira blinks. "...Did you talk to someone yesterday about what happened?"

"Partially," I tell her. "But that person also made good points that apply to more than just that, so it is a good thing to have learned either way. So, I will not dwell on our fight yesterday, Seo, and neither should you. We have apologized, and agreed to be friends, so let us just consider the matter settled and over with, and simply be friends again. Is that okay with you?"

"…...Yeah. That sounds like what I want to do, Tohno-senpai." She smiles.

The bells chime, signaling it is 9 AM. Damn it... I... do not wish to stop talking with Seo right now.

"…...I must go to my classes, Seo. And you." The displeasing nature of my words shows just how much I do not like this thought.

"...Yeah." It sounds like she does not wish to either.

With some reluctance, I allow her freedom from my embrace, and she just as reluctantly pushes herself away. I put the used handkerchief back in my bag, get out of my seat, and head for the door. Turning the doorknob, I open it up and begin to step through it.

…...And then I remember something, and stop in mid-stride.

"…...…Seo."

"…...…Yeah, Tohno-senpai?"

"…...Would you like to have lunch with me today?"

"…...Funny, I was going to ask the same thing. In the park under your tree?"

"Yes. I will look forward to seeing you, Seo."

"Yeah. See you later, Tohno-senpai."

I shut the door behind me. I cannot help but smile the rest of the way to my class.

Well... that went far better than I could have ever imagined...
I am glad to have patched things up with Seo.
Now, I will work on regaining her trust.

Next Week (10/31/10) – Chapter 22: "Under the Shade"