Chapter 1: Until She Didn't

"Mizuno?"

"Mizuno?"

"MIZUNO!"

The shout combined with her teacher slamming her hand down onto her desk brought the dazed bluenette back to reality.

"Sorry, sorry," she quickly stammered, "yes?"

"Could you please translate the phrase for us?" The teacher questioned.

"Oh, of course!" She replied, "Um… what phrase exactly?" The young girl asked, sheepishly.

…

Ami wasn't surprised when she was asked to stay after class. Nor was she surprised by what her teacher had to say to her after class. The reason for that being that this had become a common occurrence in the last few weeks.

"You've seemed so distant lately Mizuno."

"You need to stay focused Mizuno."

"You've got such a bright future ahead of you, don't mess that up now Mizuno."

With the way everyone talked to her it was no wonder she had an identity crisis a while back. As far as they were concerned she was just supposed to be a studying robot and nothing more. And while their faux concern did frustrate her, what was even more frustrating was that, despite their criticisms coming from the wrong place… they were right.

It was only a few weeks ago that Sailor Moon had defeated Galaxia, only a few weeks ago that the Starlights had departed back to their home planet along with their princess, only a few weeks ago… that she and her friends all died. Again.

Only this time was different. They didn't just die, their very essence was stolen from within them. And, unlike last time, they didn't just forget that it happened. And while her and her friends had (for the most part) at least somewhat gotten over the existential horror of what had happened to them, for Ami it dug up something she had been trying to avoid for some time now. Something she always had managed to suppress or push away followed her like a shadow, from which there was no escape.

"No escape, huh?" Ami heard as she left the classroom, shocking her out of her thoughts.

"W-what?" Ami stammered as she looked up at Makoto, who had waited for her in the hallway after the rest of the class had left.

"They wouldn't let you leave without a lecture, right?" Makoto pressed.

"Oh, yeah, that's right Mako." Ami finally answered.

"Figures." The taller girl replied as the two began walking. "You'd swear you were scoring like Usagi with the way these teachers have been treating you this last little while."

"They're only concerned." Ami countered, even if she didn't quite believe it herself.

"Yeah, concerned you'll stop carrying the entire school's average test scores on your back and they might actually have to start teaching." Makoto shot back. Ami blushed slightly at the compliment, even if it was couched in a critique of the school.

"I don't carry the school's test scores, Mako."

"Uh huh." Makoto replied before adopting a more serious demeanor. "In all seriousness though, what's up?"

Ami's blood went cold. "What… what um… what do you mean?"

"You have been a lot more distant lately. You stare off into space a lot more than you used to. At least before you'd have your nose planted in a book."

"What, are you also worried about me bringing down our test score average?" Ami shot back with a smirk.

"Oh heck no, you lowering the bar for all of us is not something I would complain about." Mako said jokingly. "BUT," she said, regaining her serious demeanor, "I'm worried about you."

"Oh, great, good going Mizuno. For all your complaining about having to bury your emotions you think you could have buried them a little better!" Ami thought, mentally chastising herself.

"And I think I know what it is." Makoto continued, causing Ami's heart to skip a beat.

"You… um… you do?" Ami said, her mouth suddenly becoming very dry.

"Yep, and I don't want you to feel like you have to keep it bottled up anymore." Makoto pressed on, either not noticing or not acknowledging Ami's steadily increasing fidgeting.

"Uh huh… what um… what exactly are you referring to, Mako?" Ami said, trying to keep her voice from shaking.

"C'mon, Ami, don't play dumb." Makoto said, seemingly becoming a little frustrated by Ami's resistance in talking to her. "We both know you're struggling with… y'know…" Makoto leaned in close so no one would hear. Ami could feel her body temperature rising sharply due to her close proximity to Makoto, "... the whole Galaxia thing."

In an instant the massive amount of tension Ami didn't even realize she was holding onto was released, along with a deep sigh of relief. "Oh, that. I mean-" Ami quickly stumbled back into her facade, "Oh, that."

"And I know you probably feel like if you bring it up again you'll be reopening old wounds but I just want you to know that even if you don't want to bring it up in front of everybody, I'm here for you and you can talk to me about it whenever you need."

Ami was torn. On the one hand she was relieved that Mako hadn't figured out the real reason she had been withdrawn lately, but on the other she hated that she was making Makoto worry about her. "Best to tread this carefully." She thought.

"Well, that definitely is a factor, but it's not quite what you think." Ami began, "I guess after such a difficult bit of time it's just hard for me to go back to my normal routine. But I really am fine, it'll just take some time and some rest for me to get fully back to normal."

"I mean, technically that wasn't a complete lie…"

"Well, take all the time you need. I'm here for you." Makoto said before stammering out "Uh, me and the others, that is."

"Thank you, Mako, I appreciate it." Ami said, although secretly she wished Mako hadn't felt the need to amend her statement.

"And, on the bright side, after all that stuff went down we haven't had to deal with any monsters since. Maybe on their way out the Starlights removed the big 'INVADE HERE' sign that someone had stuck to the Earth." Makoto said jokingly.

Ami giggled at the joke. "Oh, Mako."

At that point Ami realized it was almost time for them to part ways. Truth be told, she hadn't even fully registered that they had left the school. It was an odd effect that Mako had on her. When the two of them were talking everything else seemed to fade into the background.

"Well, guess I'll see you at the shrine later." Makoto said as they reached the corner.

"Yeah, I'll see you then." Ami replied. As she began to walk away from Makoto she immediately slipped back into her own mind. "How did I get here?" was a question she had asked herself a lot over the last few weeks. The answer, however, was always the same. It always required her to go back to that day when she and Rei walked into the Crown Arcade and saw Usagi playing the Sailor V game with a new friend.

Ami never believed in love at first sight. Quite frankly, romantic love as a whole was always a bit difficult for her to grasp. That is, until she met Makoto Kino. Granted, for a while she had tried to rationalize the rush of emotions she experienced upon first meeting Makoto as something else. When she first met Usagi and Rei she had been struck by a certain feeling of familiarity about them, which she later learned was because of hidden memories of her past life, so surely it was the same thing with Makoto, right?

There was only one problem with that. Not only was the feeling stronger than when she first met Usagi and Rei, it also persisted. Which left two options, either it was her subconsciously remembering her past life, but in that past life her relationship with Makoto had been different from that between her and the others, or it was something else entirely. And, depending on how one looked at it, either option could lead someone to the same conclusion.

She had tried to press Luna about it, at least as best she could without giving too much away, but Luna simply told her that even she did not remember everything from the Silver Millennium, and even the things she did remember may be better left unsaid.

But Ami had still denied it being anything special. Be it out of ignorance or fear, it didn't matter. Makoto was her friend and her teammate. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. And she truly believed that.

Until she didn't.

When Makoto gave her life at D-Point it had shocked everyone, but Ami could not even begin to describe the pain she was in. Everything was a blur for a bit, but when she came to she was furious at what she was hearing.

Usagi was trying to bargain away the Silver Crystal in exchange for their lives.

"How dare she?" Ami thought at the time, "How dare she even suggest that we let Mako, my Mako, have died for nothing?"

In a swift motion she released her frustration onto Usagi… and immediately felt immense guilt. She knew that Usagi had loved Makoto too, as she loved all of them, and just like Ami, Usagi's immense grief was causing her to act unlike herself.

Ami knew, however, that if they simply stayed here wallowing then the DD Girls would gain the upper hand, and Mako's sacrifice truly would have been in vain. So she decided it would be best for her to stay behind and keep them busy while those with the necessary firepower moved closer to the heart of this frozen hellscape.

But Ami remembered. In those final moments before her demise, thinking about how if she ever, by some miracle, got the chance to see Mako again, she wouldn't hold anything back. She would tell her exactly how she felt. That miracle came in the form of Usagi utilizing the Silver Crystal's power to bring everyone back to life. And Ami stuck to her plan.

Until she didn't.

Once everyone got their memories back Ami managed to convince herself that the benefits of telling Makoto how she felt simply did not outweigh the potential cost. If she told her she could be jeopardizing not only their own friendship, but the team's ability to function as a unit. And all for what? So Ami could get her heart broken? After all, it's not like Makoto was exactly shy over her attraction to men and, seeing as Ami was not one, she felt that alone shot down any hope she might have had. And so she decided it would be best to simply appreciate having her as a friend. And she did.

Until she didn't.

Haruka and Michiru caused a lot of trouble when they first arrived. Both as Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune, and just as themselves. When Ami first heard that Makoto was out on a date with Haruka she felt a flurry of emotions. Shock, jealousy, curiosity, and many, many more. But the most important one was the emotion that she had been trying to suppress this whole time: hope. Sure, her being out with Haruka was a bit of a problem but if Makoto liked girls then maybe… just maybe… there was hope that someday she would return Ami's feelings. Ami quickly shoved that aside, however.

"Haruka just has that effect on people." Ami thought at the time, "It doesn't mean anything, and even if it did it's not worth risking the team just because I want to be selfish."

And Ami stuck to that.

Until she didn't.

One surely couldn't blame her, however. She simply couldn't stand to watch Makoto sulk in the corner when she had been so excited to come to the dance. The fact that she looked absolutely stunning in her dress didn't help matters either.

"These men are all fools." Ami had thought bitterly in the seconds prior to doing something she had always wanted to do but never believed she could: she asked Makoto for a dance.

Prior to asking she had convinced herself that it was simply a friendly courtesy and nothing more. As soon as they stepped out to the dance floor, however, those thoughts melted away. Feeling Mako's hand in hers, being in perfect sync with the one she loved, she wished this would never end. Unfortunately for her, not only did it end, it came to a screeching halt and then shattered into a thousand pieces when Makoto not only left her to dance with the first man who asked her mere moments after, but then proceeded to obsess over him for the next twenty-four hours. After learning it was Tiger's Eye they eventually chalked it up to him having some kind of thrall over her, but for Ami that didn't make the whole experience any less painful.

Thankfully, she soon after discovered a way of distracting herself from the pain through a little side project of writing some lyrics for a song she found online… that is until she realized that the lyrics she was writing were largely a reflection of her feelings for Makoto.

"'I want to stare at your side profile forever…' Boy, if that wasn't the truth."

But Ami did find some peace in writing it. Once it was done and out there she felt a sense of relief. As though in writing it she had come to terms with the reality of her situation, she could finally move on, meet new people, and find love elsewhere. After finishing her high school entrance exams, that is. Yes, this was her plan, and she knew that this time she would stay the course and get over Makoto.

Until.

She.

Didn't.

The Sailors' most recent brush with death was different from the last time. The first time they were brought back they had been spared having to process it right away, due to their amnesia. And once their memories were finally back, it was in the heat of battle and long enough after the events that they had some distance from it. Not this time though. This time they were all too aware. And as such, everyone had been struck with a bad case of 'life's too short'. With the absence of any serious threat, Minako had buckled down and started seriously pursuing her singing career, Rei began discussing taking over more of the shrine's operations from her grandpa, Makoto started planning out the bakery she wanted to open, and poor, sweet Usagi couldn't go five minutes without crying and telling her friends how much she loved them.

For Ami, however, the experience merely reopened old wounds. Wounds she had almost convinced herself she had cauterized shut. There was no denying it, she was as in love with Mako now as she had ever been. She was all Ami could think about as she faded away after her Star Seed had been taken, and she had been on her mind near constantly since being returned to the land of the living. Ami felt like her feelings were consuming her from the inside out. There was no more pushing them down, no more hiding them, no more ignoring them. They were there and Ami needed to find a way to deal with them. And if the feelings weren't bad enough on their own, now Makoto was starting to take notice. She needed to figure out what to do, how to approach this. Unfortunately, for all the credit her friends gave her for her genius tactical mind, she had no plan for what to do. All she knew was that she couldn't keep this bottled up any longer, she needed to talk to someone. But who?

Minako seemed to be the obvious choice. She was the self-proclaimed 'Goddess of Love', after all. This came with its own problems, however. Minako spent almost as much, if not more time with Makoto as Ami did (not that Ami kept track or anything). And Minako wasn't exactly known for her subtlety. If Ami told her she could potentially let it slip to Makoto which Ami definitely didn't need right now.

Haruka and Michiru would probably have some helpful insight on the subject, but unfortunately their careers kept them so busy that it would be some time before Ami would be able to meet with them privately. Time Ami didn't have.

She loved Usagi like a sister, but couldn't help but immediately rule out bringing this to her for similar reasons why she couldn't bring it to Minako.

That only left one option. An option that Ami was honestly surprised she didn't jump to first. And with that, she began planning how exactly to approach this person with the topic.

(And that's where we'll leave chapter 1. Don't worry, the whole story's done and edited, just decided it would be better to space out its release.)

(But please, let me know what you guys think! Reviews are very much appreciated!)

(And come back next time for chapter 2: Seeking Guidance.)