Chapter 26: "The Way to a Man's Heart..."
I hurriedly race to the kitchen and gather some of the things Nii-san likes to eat most. Normally, I would not worry so much about my cooking... but I must admit, my heart is racing right now.
While I have cooked for Nii-san before, cooking for him is always something that makes me feel nervous. I always worry if it will be adequate, if it will live up to his expectations. His praise is worth the praise of ten other people... and his condemnation would bite just as sharply.
...I want it to be perfect for Nii-san. Nothing less than my very best will do.
He is why I began to learn this really. Yes, cooking will help me, but... I also want him to feel happy, and it makes me feel good to know that I can create something that he will enjoy, and possibly look forward to.
While it may be Kohaku who takes the mantle of his "official" wife, I would not mind having a special sort of place in his heart myself. I want to ensure that he remembers that I will be here for him, for anything.
And I do mean anything. Whether it is advice, or something more... private...
I blush at my own thoughts.
Really... I know those sorts of thoughts are supposed to be normal for a girl my age, but... they embarrass me sometimes. Because, well...
...It is hard to describe. My stomach tightens, and my heart races, and I feel lightheaded whenever I think about it, and a heat builds up in the pit of my stomach.
It is something so... lewd, and dirty to think about. And yet when I think about Nii-san... more often than not, my thoughts seem to turn to this... picture of what he is doing with me.
Of holding me, and of whispering my name, even as our bodies do this absolutely grotesque dance, and wondering what such a thing would feel like inside of there. As a purely curious search, I asked Kohaku to find some video footage of such an act, to which she smiled and complied. Upon seeing it, I noticed that the female was gasping, and panting, and shuddering, all from something moving in and out of there... and that it was censored for some reason.
...Why?
It makes no sense. It is just something moving in and out of a body. So...? For one, that gives no reason to block it out. Two... why would it make a woman gasp? Seo Akira picks her nose sometimes, as bad and disgusting of a habit as that is, but she does not gasp when she does it... well, unless it gives her a nosebleed, anyway, but that is a wholly different matter.
I know it is normal, but still... he would not do these things with me, because he wishes to be with Kohaku. I know he does them with her... once or twice it has gotten rather loud, and interrupted my sleep. I was not happy with either of them the next morning.
And yet, it does not stop me from thinking about them, as silly and pointless as it may be... of imagining that one day, it could be me, and that I would find out what it is like, and it would be with the one I want it to be with most of all...
...Because Nii-san is the only person whom I ever want to do that with. Period. There is no other male that I could see myself being fully comfortable with exposing that much of my body to, and I do not see that changing. And obviously, females are not capable of such an act, either, so they are also out. Not to mention how... unusual that would be.
I sigh, and shake my head to get these thoughts out of it. If I do not focus, I will improperly cook, and that means Nii-san would have to wait longer to eat. I do not want to keep him waiting – of all people in the world, Nii-san is the one I want to displease the least.
Some ramen. Beef flavored. After what he went through, Nii-san is surely hungry for something savory and rich in flavor. Beef is good for that, and it will be easier to digest for him than actual beef at this time.
A few light snacks. Japanese snacks, of course. Nii-san does not generally like Western snacks. I carefully make sure I avoid anything plum-flavored.
Something to drink. Some light green tea. I get him some slightly sweeter Matcha, since I am sure the little bit of sugar will make him feel better and improve his blood circulation.
All of these things, I place on a tray, and bring to him not even ten minutes later.
"Here you are, Nii-san." I walk over and carefully situate the tray on his lap after bringing a pillow to it so it is not too hot for it to rest there. As he sits up, I place another pillow behind his back.
"Akiha... you didn't have to get so much." He looks down at all the things I have gotten. Though he will not admit it, I know that Nii-san is hungry. From what he has said, Ciel-san's cooking is fine... but it is not home. It is not Kohaku's cooking, and he does seem to like mine when I cook for us, when he is too tired to do the cooking.
His praise is one of the things that encourages me to keep on improving and refining my cooking skills. That, and the fact it would make me a better wife, potentially, someday...
"Well, eat up as much as you like, Nii-san. Just please do not do it too quickly." I bow respectfully to Nii-san. "Do you... need assistance eating, Nii-san?"
"Nah... I'm stiff, but I can move," he says, rotating his shoulders a little bit and exhaling sharply as he does. "Anyway... Itadakimasu." With this, he bows his head slightly, breaks the chopsticks apart, and begins to eat, starting with the ramen first, carefully gathering some with his chopsticks and pulling it into his mouth.
I nervously await his reaction.
"…...This is pretty good, Akiha," he says as he continues eating.
I feel the heat rise to my cheeks as he praises me.
"Th... Thank you, Nii-san. I have been practicing considerably as of late with you being out more often, so I was not sure how you would react to it..."
He smiles a bit as he eats. I sit, and likewise cannot help but smile a little bit.
Watching him enjoy it so... it fills me with an incredible feeling of pride and happiness.
I may not be able to be Nii-san's life companion. There are many reasons why, and even though I continues to try to find ways to rationalize and make this fantasy into a potential reality, I realize this is basically something that cannot be, albeit with some recalcitrance. But I shall still do what I can for him until my final breath. I will not stop trying, just because of the odds against me. Of this, I am certain.
Therefore, I shall keep on trying to win his heart even if it is ultimately pointless and futile.
The reason why, is a simple reason. Even if we cannot be man and wife, Nii-san and I shall always be brother and sister. Neither of us want to eliminate that relationship, that relationship that, even if purely in words only, is just as strong as one bound by blood.
One does not need to be sired from the same parents in order to feel close. The bond that Nii-san and myself share, is one that is unshakable.
The proof of this is simple. Even when I became more demon than human... even when he became more demon killer than human...
…...We could not follow through. Either of us.
Even as he straddled me, and could have killed me in an instant, he did not have the heart to drive the knife down.
Even as he straddled me, and I could have killed him in an instant, I did not have the heart to absorb all his heat.
Two killing machines, that could not kill each other.
Two that who could slay whole cities if they chose to, that around each other, broke down completely.
Regardless of what blood says, Tohno Akiha and Tohno Shiki are brother and sister. It is impossible for them to not see each other as this now. It is ingrained so deeply and permanently into both that for either of them to renounce this bond, they would no longer be themselves.
And they shall always be. That night proved it. Even as the other side took us over nearly totally, it was not enough to completely kill the rational, human personalities that remained.
I sit down in my chair, and watch him eat. He is trying to eat it somewhat slowly, but the way he eats it... he eats as if he has not had a good meal in days.
"...Surely you did not starve while you were away, Nii-san...?" I ask with concern. While I cannot stop Nii-san from doing these things and helping whom he feels he should help, if that woman starved him like a dog...
"No, no, of course not." He laughs slightly. "It's just that Ciel's curry almost made me forget what real food was like."
"Y... You only like my cooking because it is not curry then...?" ...Is it not good enough? I was sure I cooked the noodles the right time! A, and I know Nii-san does not like his tea too hot...
"No, no! It's not that, Akiha! Your cooking is good... trust me..." He looks up at me to try to reassure me.
I feel a slight bitterness at his words. I am fairly sure I know what Nii-san meant, but he could have worded it better...
"Hey, c'mon. I didn't mean it that way, Akiha. I swear..." His tone gets a little more firm and serious.
"...Then please be more careful with your choice of words in the future, Nii-san." I do my best to glare into his eyes so he knows that I am serious. "Such ambiguous statements can be troublesome if you do not think them through fully before you speak them, so please promise me that you will think things through more carefully before you voice them."
"...Haha, how did I know you would say something like that? But... alright, Akiha. I promise." He says it with a smile.
"…...Very well then, Nii-san. I will hold you to your words." From Nii-san, a promise and a smile is good enough. I already feel my anger cooling.
Really... he has such a strange effect on me like this. I am able to be whom I need to be, whenever I need to be them, but Nii-san... he knows just the right way to defuse that. I find it impossible to stay angry at him for some reason.
Why...? I do not know.
No matter how mad I am at him... short of something irredeemable, I do not think I could ever hate him for more than a day or two. Not only will my mind refuse to go along with such a plan for a prolonged period of time, but my very heart will ache and long to be on better terms with him.
...Is this normal behavior for a younger sister? To live for her brother's praise?
All humans like praise, of course, but it is not as if I live for it... right?
Is that what I really want? Just for him to be happy? Sacrificing my own happiness and desires in order to help him obtain his?
…...But that is silly. One of the primary goals of any functioning lifeform is to achieve homeostasis. This means that all of their needs must be met, primarily satiation, shelter, and safety. Obviously I have my food needs met, and if need be, could cook for myself. Shelter is not a problem either. Safety... well, safety for a Tohno is a relative thing, but on the whole it would take a rather powerful foe to put my life in actual danger. A normal, human assailant will lose to me every time.
…...…...Then there are more personal metrics after the basic needs. Feeling loved, treasured, desired. Obviously, I know Nii-san loves me as his sister, and values me dearly. But he does not desire me. Indeed, as far as I know, nobody desires me that way. I had thought that Seo did, but it seems this was just some artistic license, which I admit is most likely the truth. It would not make sense for Seo Akira to suddenly start liking girls. Had she been a lesbian, likely such a situation would have come up far earlier, seeing as I have known her for nearly two years now or so.
...So if nobody desires Tohno Akiha, why do I feel fine with the current situation as-is? I admit that I would not mind it if someone desired me, but... that is mostly a fantasy, a daydream. For anyone that seriously did desire me... I would have to force myself to pull away from them, for I do not think anyone could understand, fully, just what the Tohno are, and the fact that there is a very real possibility that I could still turn on the ones I love and tear them to shreds with my own hands.
…...It is a situation I hope I will never regain consciousness to. If I lost myself, and came to, kneeling by the corpse of Nii-san, the tang of blood in my nostrils, the sticky filth of red covering my fingers, and accumulated shreds of gore under my fingernails... I think I would completely lose my sanity.
...No, enough of this today! Not today, of all days. I close my eyes and shake my head forcefully, as if to throw the thoughts out of my ears.
When I look back up at Nii-san, he is eating slowly and carefully. I should not be impressed by this, but Nii-san almost always eats everything he is offered when he returns for the first few times. I believe it makes him heal, or at the very least, allows him to sleep with a full stomach and let his body heal quicker.
Nii-san does not have a regenerative factor, as I do. While I will heal from even serious injuries fairly quickly – a broken bone would take two weeks to heal, perhaps, or considerably less time if I allowed my other half to take over – Nii-san is at about the peak of human regenerative abilities. It would still take him four or five weeks to heal from that broken bone.
Most of his injuries are, admittedly, flesh wounds. These are wounds that will probably fully heal up within a week or so. The fact he has already recovered enough to eat and speak, albeit with some stiffness and pain, is a good indicator that he is already well on his way to recovery. Regardless, I will surely be keeping an eye on him until Kohaku arrives and is able to give him much better treatment.
Soon enough, the tray is fully emptied. With a satisfied sigh, he lays back on his bed. I get up out of my chair and take the tray.
"Do you wish for more, Nii-san?" I ask. I do not mind cooking more for him if he feels it would help him.
"Nah, that was plenty, Akiha. But it was great. Thanks." He smiles, and I once more feel a little of the heat rushing to my cheeks.
"Do you... desire anything else, then...?" Like... a kiss, perhaps? Kisses help heal... right...?
"Ah, yes... could you please bring Yumizuka in here?" He looks at me slightly nervously as he says it. No doubt, he is afraid of my reaction.
...Of course. I had forgotten about that.
Yumizuka-san said she was very close to Nii-san. In fact, she thought she had fallen in love with him, from the day that he rescued her from a shed.
...Five years or so is a long time to love someone. However, it does not hold a candle to mine. I waited for nine, nearly twice as long. Arguably, I am still waiting, in some ways.
However, I have talked with Yumizuka-san enough that I can tell their relationship is rather close. And even though she agreed to my conditions, I know at least part of her came here to see Nii-san.
...It would be rude to refuse this. As long as they are not playing out my worst-case scenario... but realistically, Nii-san is not even in the physical condition to do that. Although Yumizuka-san could still use her hands, or her mouth, or...
…...I sigh to myself. Really, Tohno Akiha... you are letting your imagination and jealousy run wild. Stop this! Nii-san is not that sort of person, interested in being sexual with every female he knows or will ever know...
"…...Of course, Nii-san. I shall get her immediately, as she would be preparing for bed now. Please wait," I inform him.
"…...Thanks, Akiha." He looks a little surprised, blinking slightly. It looks as if he wants to ask me why I would acquiesce to such a request, but it goes unvoiced by his throat.
I take the tray and walk out.
Really... agreeing to let him see another girl, it even surprised him. He knows I am jealous of him being in the presence of other females, normally...
…...Perhaps I am a different Tohno Akiha now...?
I allow Nii-san and Yumizuka-san their privacy to speak. I know they are close, and so does Yumizuka-san, but Nii-san did not until after he was forced to kill her. So, I walk out to my balcony and breathe in the air.
A cool, crisp day. The wind runs through the leaves, and flows against my skin, pushing on my body, dress, and hair. Chilling me lightly, but enjoyably. Reminding me that I not only survive... I thrive.
Feeling alive is a fundamental condition of any organism. No, more than condition... it is the goal. To ensure that it survives long enough to pass on its genes, to ensure that it continues survival of the species. The ultimate goal, for any organism, whether it is simple, single-celled algae, or the pinnacle of current evolution; Homo Sapiens, modern man.
I look down at myself. Obviously, secondary sexual characteristics exist. My body, a slight hourglass shape. My chest, small but noticeable breasts. Obviously, there is hair on my pubic mound, but that is naturally hidden from view. In a purely physical sense, my body does say that I am capable of reproduction.
...Obviously, I am reminded of that monthly as well, if I ever forget it, much to my great displeasure.
I know I am capable of having children. If the timing is right, and my cycle coincides with sexual congress, I could be impregnated. The real question is... would I want to bring such life into this world? Would I want to continue the Tohno, and all of their damned blood? Blood that I, myself, would renounce if I had the choice?
…...Before I can answer that, the wind blows a little more, against my face this time. Almost as if it were reassuring me. Reminding me that everything will be okay, telling me to drop that thought.
A small "Mmmmmm" escapes my throat as I feel it, and I close my eyes. Days like these are my favorite.
...Sometimes, I wish that my abilities included wind manipulation. It is such a wonderful force. The same force that can gently relax mind and body, can also be a great destructor.
At the same time, Wind is by its nature chaotic. It is fully possible that even if I had those abilities, I would not have complete control...
I slight tug at my dress interrupts my thoughts once more. It is not the sort of tug wind could produce so easily.
I look down to see Len standing there, looking up at me, silently as always.
A curious creature, Len is. Not quite human, but not quite cat, either. A blend of mannerisms of both. Usually she is fine curling up by herself and simply observing, but from time to time she also, like all creatures, seeks out companionship. As we are the closest things to companions she has, from time to time she makes her presence known to us all.
"...Good morning, Len," I say as I kneel. Her eyes level with me as I kneel, and thus am closer to her height.
"…...…...…...Shiki?" She says in her small, soft voice. It is rare for Len to speak, and when she does, it is rarely more than a few words. The look of concern on her face, however... that says all of the rest that needs to be said.
...Well, of course she would be concerned about Nii-san. Her life is linked to his. No doubt she can feel he is weaker. And it would be only right for a familiar to be concerned with her master's well-being.
…...After all, I am concerned for his well-being too. That goes without saying. We may not be master and familiar, but our bond is just as strong.
"Ah, yes. Nii-san is doing well. He is speaking with Yumizuka-san right now," I inform her.
Silence. Typical of Len. And... a hint of jealousy crosses her face.
...Heh, she and I are thinking alike, it seems. But I know Nii-san well enough. While it may be Yumizuka-san's fantasy, I do not think it is one that Nii-san shares... or at the least, not one that he will let out of his mind like that.
...But more than that...
"...No, I do not think Nii-san and Yumizuka-san are like that. Besides... he is too injured to do that act right now, Len." I inform her. "He is not too badly injured, but he would not be in good shape for such a physical act as that right now."
She looks down slightly, as I sit in a chair. A small pout is evident on her mouth; whether it is frustration or relief, is difficult to say. Cats are very good at hiding their emotions, after all.
I invite her into my lap by patting it softly. She looks for a moment, and then climbs up into it. I hug her up carefully, holding her close, and can feel her sigh as she closes her eyes. Len lives for moments like these, as well. The warmth of her body provides a perfect counterbalance to the slight chill in the air.
At peace, I hold her gently against me and just observe the view outside.
...It is just another day, I think to myself, and feeling the contrast of warmth against my body along with the light chill in the air, I do not even notice that I drift back off into sleep.
Dry.
ThE Air Is DrY. The nIghT is drY.
tIREd. DRainEd.
ThIrstY.
tHiRSTy.
nEEd to driNk. NEEd TO feed. iF I dOn't fEed, I'Ll DIe. i Can'T Die.
gEt FOOd. BLOOD fOod. NeED BLooD food.
snIfF. SnIff.
...foOd.
moVe fEEt. Up. dOWN.
this WAy. on leFT.
THEre. inSIDE. HoUSE.
HoW i gET In. blood iN theRe.
WIndOw. OPEn wIndOW.
cLiMb. don'T SliP.
fOoT UP. FOOT doWN. gRAB. PuLl up. lifT.
tHeRE. InSIdE. slEEPIng gIrl.
PuRplE HaiR.
…...I know her. No.
HuNGRY. ThiRStY.
I don't want to bite her!
hunGRy! tHiRsty!
CliMb InSiDE. careFul.
canNOt wAKe.
Up tO BEd. HAnd oveR MOUth. NO sCReaMs.
LeAN ovEr.
BITe. piercE.
SWaLLOW.
...iRon. WArM. goOD. FEELINg GoOd...
SWAlLOW. MorE. sWALloW.
...tAsty. tYPE Ab. RAre.
...dEliCIoUs. VIRgin bloOd.
That's enough‼!
...ENouGh fOR NOw. CAn't Kill. ShE'll GEt ANGRY.
OUT THe WiNDOw. FeeliNg bettEr. feElIng stRongeR.
New sceNt. sNiFF. sNIff.
FOLlOW. huNGRY. sTIlL hUNGRy.
neeD morE. MORe BlOod. LESS PAIn.
wHERe blooD? sNiff. sNIfF.
...doWNtOWN.
gO. gO DOwNtOWn. blooD THErE.
stEP.
WaLK.
run.
BLoOD. delICiOuS, MeLTY BlOod.
BORROweD BLOod. bOrrOWED From mE.
their BlOod. my bLoOD.
Next Week (12/5/10) – Chapter 27: "Fringe of the Lunatic Dawn"