Birthdays For Dummies

Qui-Gon celebrates his birthday, with a little help from his friends.

Orignally posted in 2003 - early days of Yappy Obi. Forgive any typos from back then. Hopefully this holds up from way back then.

Obi: Master, get out of my room. I am wrapping your birthday gift. Get out!

Qui: I will wrap your mouth with duct tape if you continue to speak to me like that. Understand?

Obi: Yes, Master. I'm sorry. Can you please give me a few minutes to finish this?

Qui: Much better. Yes, I can. Meet me in the sparring gym in twenty minutes.

Obi: We get to spar finally?

Qui: What do you mean finally? We just sparred yesterday.

Obi: Oh, right. You can call that sparring if you want. I call it ballet dancing. Who is this Master Dorko that made all these instructional holo-vids of various sparring methods? And why do we have to learn them?

Qui: It's Master Dooku, Padawan. And we won't go into WHO he is. He does fight differently, but it's good that you learn the many techniques. You never know who or what you might be up against in a fight for your life.

Obi: So, Master Dorko teaches ballet sparring. What do you teach?

Qui: Dooku. It's Dooku. I teach more of a defensive method.

Obi: But no dancing involved. Can we just spar like normal?

Qui: No, we can learn new things. That is the reason you are training with me, Obi-Wan. You are learning to become a knight. It won't kill you to learn new and varied ways of fighting.

Obi: Okay, fine. Get out now. I'll meet you there.

(Twenty minutes later Obi-Wan came bounding into the gym to find his master practicing ballet.)

Obi: Master! Don't let the others see you doing that. Come on now. You do have a reputation. And if you don't care about yours, then for Force sake, care about mine.

Qui: Obi-Wan, give the lips a rest, okay?

Obi: Yes, Master. Do I have to dress up for your birthday party tonight?

Qui: Do you want to look presentable before the council or do you want to look like you've been playing in the street?

Obi: Council? The council is coming to your party? Poofy? Medusa? Cone head? Shiny Legs? Sith Troll? You have got to be kidding. They all hate you, why would they celebrate your birthday?

Qui: They don't hate me, Obi-Wan. We simply have disagreements.

Obi: Yes, okay. They don't hate you. They despise you. Why do they all have to be there? I thought it was just close friends.

Qui: Not all of them are coming, just a few.

Obi: Let me guess. Mr. Poof and Medusa.

Qui: And Mace and Yoda.

Obi: Please tell me that Master Bren is coming.

Qui: Of course she is, the party is at her place. Brazo, Terran and Nev will also be there.

Obi: Are you sure this is not just a ploy for you to try and ditch me again? To have one of them take me as their padawan?

Qui: Obi-Wan, stop. You keep yapping about this and I'll make you wear your kilt for the party.

Obi: No way! I am not wearing that dress ever again. Do you know how many girls laughed at my legs last time?

Qui: That's because they are pale and skinny. And many people, including myself, find that funny.

Obi: That's real positive for my self-esteem, Master.

Qui: Oh, and you don't make fun of my legs?

Obi: That's different, yours look like a cheeken.

Qui: I will not be drawn any further into this discussion with you. We came here for sparring, so let's spar.

(Obi-Wan's face lit up as he raised his saber and the match began.)

(Both Jedi were worn out by the time they ended their two-hour session. Obi-Wan dragged himself to the showers as Qui-Gon dragged himself home. As Obi-Wan finished his shower and was on his way back to the apartment he shared with his master when Master Bren happened upon him.)

Bren: Hey, kid. Where's that sexy master of yours?

Obi: Eww. Don't say that. You call that man sexy? The man with the hairy cheeken legs?

Bren: Cute. Where is he?

Obi: Home in the shower probably.

Bren: What did you get him for his birthday?

Obi: I can't tell you. If I do, he will know and he'll get it out of you by offering you adult mush. You'll give in, and then my surprise is gone. Nope. Can't tell you.

Bren: Fair enough. You want to know what I got him?

Obi: What?

Bren: A book. It's called Problem Padawan 101.

Obi: I am not a problem padawan, Master Bren.

Bren: It's not what you think, kid. This will just give him some ideas on how to control his stress. He can learn what other masters have done in the past when they had an apprentice that was a little...um...wired.

Obi: Can't you just do the adult mush deal and that's it?

Bren: Is that all you think we do?

Obi: No, but it's a problem for me. It's...icky.

Bren: You sound like Master Sio.

Obi: The head collector?

Bren: Obi-Wan.

Obi: Well, have you ever been in her quarters? Have you seen the display on her mantle? If those aren't little human and alien heads up there then what are they?

Bren: I should have invited her to the party.

Obi: NO! Don't even think about it. I like the head I currently have. Don't need a new one, thank you.

Bren: You crack yourself up, don't you?

Obi: Yes.

Bren: At least someone is laughing. I'll see you later this evening at the party.

(Obi-Wan decided he looked presentable enough for the party when he wandered out of his room to meet his master in the common area.)

Qui: I am impressed. You look clean.

Obi: It's your birthday, I thought I would so something special for you.

Qui: Yes, I see. Are you ready?

Obi: Why is the party at Master Bren's apartment? Why not here?

Qui: Honestly, I didn't want to have to clean up the mess.

Obi: But you always make me clean up after your parties.

Qui: Okay, I didn't want to have to listen to your whining as you clean up.

Obi: So, Master Bren has to clean up all by herself.

Qui: No, you will stick around to help. But I won't be there to hear your whining. So, it all works out.

Obi: I feel the love, Master.

Qui: If that's what you want to call it, fine with me.

(They wandered into the hall and around the corner until they reached Bren's apartment.)

Obi: Okay, Master. You have to act surprised. Pretend you have no idea what this is all about.

Qui: Just open the door.

(The door opened, and Obi-Wan announced 'we're here' and then watched as they were completely ignored. No one bothered to look up from their drinks or their conversations. Obi-Wan got louder.)

Obi: HELLO PEOPLE! WE ARE HERE! HELLO?

Qui: Must be an open bar.

Bren: Not in my quarters! Happy Birthday, Stretch!

(Bren came from out of nowhere and grabbed Qui-Gon in a huge hug. Obi-Wan moved in to break them up.)

Obi: Okay, that's enough. Don't be slobbering all over each other right now. We have guests to entertain. And gifts to open.

Qui: Excuse me, 'I' have gifts to open. Not you.

(By now, the other members of the party had realized Qui-Gon was in the room and they all came to offer him birthday wishes. Brazo grabbed him in a bone-crushing hug.)

Qui: Please...let...go.

Obi: Master Brazo, you are crushing his lungs. I think he needs those to live. Do I get a hug?

Brazo: Huh? Oh, sorry, Qui-Gon. I lose control of my mush senses sometimes.

Obi: Can I have mush please?

Brazo: Um, uh. Do I have to talk to you if I hug you?

Obi: I guess not.

Bren: Brazo, would you get over it. You had one bad experience looking after the kid for a couple weeks. Don't take it out on him now. It's two months later. You need to learn to deal with things that make you uncomfortable.

Brazo: It was not discomfort. I was close to losing my sanity. There's a difference.

Bren: Well, the quicker you get over it, the better off we will all be. Look at that face. How can you deny him mush? Look how pitiful he is. That's just sad.

Qui: A true pathetic life form.

Obi: Thank you all for your kind words. It makes me feel so good inside. Do I get a hug or not? I don't have time to stand here all day with my arms open.

Bren: Hug him please, so that we can move the party along.

Brazo: Okay, but DON'T talk to me while I do this.

Obi: This should be enjoyable.

(Brazo hugged Obi-Wan, then quickly moved away.)

Obi: Bye! Master, can we open gifts now?

Qui: We?

Obi: Well, I thought maybe you would need a little help.

Qui: No, I think I can handle the removal of paper. You may sit next to me.

Bren: And comment on each gift.

Obi: I'd do that anyway, no matter where I was sitting.

(Bren gathered everyone into the common area and had Qui-Gon take the seat in the large chair next to the holo-monitor. Obi-Wan sat on the arm of the chair, already trying to stick his nose into everything.)

Bren: Okay, Qui-Gon, this is from me.

Qui: A book. I like books. Uh, Problem Padawan 101? I have a problem padawan, I don't think I need to read about them.

Bren: No no no. This will help you see that you are not alone, and that these kinds of students can go on to be great Jedi Knights. It'll help with your stress, trust me.

Obi: You can read it to me at bedtime, Master.

Qui: No, I don't think I can. Thank you, Bren.

Obi: Open that one next. The purple one.

Qui: From Mace. It's a book...Sexy Legs for Dummies. Ah, uh...um.

Mace: Now you can look like me.

Obi: Master?

Qui: Quiet, Padawan. Thank you, Mace. I've always wondered about your legs.

Obi: Ewwww.

Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan. Hand me that green one there. From Master Yoda.

Obi: It's kinda slimy.

Qui: Only on the bottom. Let's see, oh another book. Troll Luv for Dummies.

(Obi-Wan turned and fell off the chair.)

Obi: OW!

Bren: You okay, Obi? Not prepared for that, we're you?

Obi: Master, is there a reason you need to know about troll luv? Something you haven't told me?

Qui: Don't say another word. This is very...um...unique, Master Yoda. I didn't realize there were books on this subject.

Yoda: Popular it is. Special order it, I did.

Qui: Yes, um...thank you. I think.

Obi: Hurry, Master. Open something else before I throw up. Here, this one is from, Medusa, I mean...Master Adi.

Qui: Feels like yet another book. Seems I will need to make time for reading.

Obi: Or burning.

Qui: Shhh. Oh, Snake Breeding for Dummies. I don't own a snake, but this might come in handy after I retire.

Obi: What's with the For Dummies title? Are they trying to tell you something, Master?

Qui: We'll discuss that later. Next gift is from Master Poof. You shouldn't have.

Obi: You invited him, whatever is in there is your fault.

Qui: Hush. What a surprise, it's a book.

Obi: I sense a pattern here.

Qui: Mocking for Dummies.

(Obi-Wan fell off the chair once more.)

Bren: Come on, kid. Stay vertical. You don't fall this often when you watch a Lima holo.

Qui: This will be put to good use, thank you, Poof.

Poof: BOO!

(Obi-Wan...on the floor again.)

Bren: Obi-Wan!

Obi: Please don't let Mr. Poofy speak. It really freaks me out. I already suffer from nightmares because of your torture methods, Master Bren. I don't need giraffe man over there doing any more damage to my delicate nerves.

Bren: You want me to hold you in place? Maybe that will keep you in a sitting position.

Obi: Would you mind?

Qui: This next gift is from Nev.

Obi: Whew. This should be tolerable.

Qui: Let me guess...a book?

Obi: You are good, Master!

Qui: Mush for Dummies.

Obi: WHAT? It's about time someone got you that book! Thank you, Mr. Nev. WOOHOO! My master is gonna be mushy!

Qui: Obi-Wan, calm your mush hormones. You think this book will mean more hugs for you?

Obi: Won't it?

Qui: You do know me, right?

Obi: Yes. This book will probably get more use as a booster seat. That's what you are trying to tell me.

Qui: Good boy. Ah, a gift from Brazo. A book. Psycho Padawans for Dummies.

Obi: Um, is that a crack at me? Master Brazo, I thought you loved me.

Brazo: Lalalalalalalalalala.

Qui: Now, THIS is a book that I will be reading and reading soon. Thank you, Brazo. Finally, someone who can relate to me. Who understands. Who has been to my hell.

Obi: Well, you're not so easy to live with yourself, Master.

Qui: Padawan, I love you. I really do. But you have to admit, you are a handful.

Obi: But a lovable handful?

Qui: Sometimes.

Obi: Works for me. Open my gift now, Master.

Qui: Yes, the one I have been looking forward to the most.

(Qui-Gon ripped the paper off. Then he stared. And stared. And stared again as his cheeks flushed into a bright red.)

Obi: Master?

Bren: Qui? You just turned a red as Darth Maul's light saber.

Obi: Who?

Bren: Oh, um...nobody. Lalalalala. What did you get him, kid?

Obi: Just something to match his boxers.

(Qui-Gon sprang up from the chair, hid the box in his robe and announced that the party was over.)

Qui: Thank you, everyone. Time to go home now. Bye!

Bren: Hold it, hold it. Everyone sit down. Qui, what is the gift?

Qui: Nothing. It's nothing.

Obi: Master!

(Bren pried the box from the master's hands and held it up.)

Bren: Aww, these are adorable! Pink hair curlers with little light sabers on them. And they glow in the dark and make saber noises when you roll them.

Obi: Don't you like them, Master?

Yoda: Wear curlers you do. Borrow them I will.

Obi: That is nasty.

Mace: Qui-Gon I was wondering how you got your hair looking so GOOD. It almost rivals my sexy legs.

Adi: I could use them to curl my snakes.

Obi: Oh, please someone stop me from what I am about to do.

Bren: And that is?

Obi: Roll around laughing hysterically on the floor.

Bren: Behave, Obi-Wan. Your master is having difficulty breathing right now. Where did you get these, kid? They are wild!

Obi: Fredericks of Coruscant.

Bren: Hmm, a store you should not be shopping in.

Obi: Master? Are you okay?

Qui: I don't use curlers. Just so everybody knows. I am a normal master with nice hair. That is all.

Obi: But...I bought them to match your boxers.

Mace: His what? He has boxers like this?

Obi: Yeah, they are the coolest things. Master Bren gave them to him. He wears them a lot when they are into that adult mush thing.

Qui: OBI-WAN! Please don't listen to him. He's has too much sugar today. He's just flapping his lips.

Obi: I haven't eaten any sugar today. It's okay, Master. I mean, it's not like you wear a thong like Master Yoda does.

Yoda: Comfortable they are.

Qui: Obi-Wan, please stop now. That part of my life is NOT for public knowledge.

Mace: Can I borrow those boxers? I think they'd look GOOD on me while I'm standing on the corner. Do they come in purple?

Obi: I think they do. But they transform him when he wears them. He does that sexy master dance in the mirror.

Qui: OBI-WAN KENOBI!

Bren: Obi-Wan, can the yapping, will ya? He's using your full name. That's always bad.

Obi: And those little veins are popping out of his forehead.

Mace: Can't compare to my sexy Mace dance.

Yoda: Yaddle and I, sexy troll dance we will for you now. Borrow your boxers we must.

Obi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Qui: Please, no. No dancing. No boxers. Thank you to you all for the gifts. I appreciate everything. Padawan, we will talk later. There is cake in the kitchen, help yourselves.

Obi: Cake! Sugar!

Qui: NO! STAY! You've done enough damage today. Embarrassing me in front of the council. No sugar. I don't need you bouncing off the walls all night.

Obi: But, they all wanted to borrow your boxers and curlers. They didn't laugh at you.

Qui: Not until you started on the adult mush bit.

Obi: Master, they are all adults. It's not like adult mush is a new thing for them.

Qui: You mean like Troll Luv for Dummies?

Obi: Well, that's another story. Them trolls are creepy.

Qui: That is the book I will read to you the next time you wake up with a nightmare.

Obi: That will just make things worse. Why would you do that to me?

Qui: Revenge, my dear padawan. Revenge.

Obi: There is no help for me?

Qui: Not right now.

Bren: Here ya go, Stretch. A special piece of cake just for you. Take a bite.

Obi: Please don't feed him from your fork. That is the beginnings of adult mush. It's a no no while Obi is in the room.

Bren: Did you get some cake, kid?

Obi: No. I'm not allowed. Master Qui-Gon said no sugar.

Bren: Qui-Gon, don't be a prude. It's your birthday. He worked very hard on finding a gift for you. It's not his fault you are embarrassed by it. Let the boy enjoy the evening.

(A huge smile came over Obi-Wan's face and he raised his eyebrows before giving Qui-Gon the most pleading look he could manage.)

Qui: Okay, fine. Go ahead. Eat all you want.

Obi: Thank you, Master. (He collapsed against his chest in a hug.)

Qui: Thank you for the interesting gift, Padawan. I know you put a lot of thought into it.

Obi: I did, Master. The lady in the store where I bought it wants your comm. number too. She thinks you are...uh...how did she put it? Oh...she said...WOW when I showed her a holo of you. She said you make her thud.

Qui: Obi-Wan, don't show my holo to strange people.

Bren: Who is this new woman?

(Bren confronted Qui-Gon as Obi-Wan flew into the kitchen for cake.)

Qui: I don't know her. Don't get all weird on me.

Bren: You better not be lying to me.

(Obi-Wan returned from the kitchen, holding a plate full of...)

Obi: SUGAR!

Qui: Obi-Wan, five pieces of cake is a bit much, don't you think?

Obi: Not for a growing boy. Are you gonna eat your piece, Master?

Qui: Yes, I am. Back off.

Obi: Mr. Poofy is mocking the cake. Look at him. His head goes baaaaaack and forrrrrrth. Baaaaaaaack and forrrrrrrth.

Qui: Good, that will keep him busy for a while. I can't eat cake while watching his head. Makes me sick to my stomach.

(Obi-Wan downed the huge amount of cake in record time, then went back for more. Eventually the party wore itself out and each guest said goodbye to Qui-Gon as they headed for home.)

Qui: Well, I think we should be leaving as well. We'll stop by tomorrow morning to help you clean things up.

Bren: Happy Birthday, Sweet Knees.

Obi: Gah!

Qui: Let's not make the padawan ill. I think he had enough cake to do that for him. Good night, Bren. Thank you.

(Once home, Obi-Wan sprawled out on the couch. He removed his belt and groaned in pain.)

Obi: Masterrrrrrr?

Qui: I told you not to eat all that, didn't I?

Obi: Yes.

Qui: And did you listen?

Obi: Do I ever?

Qui: You might want to sleep in the bathroom tonight.

Obi: Ha ha ha. I'm going to bed.

Qui: Good night, Padawan. Thank you for the gift.

Obi: Good night, Master. You're welcome.

(Late into the night, Qui-Gon heard the most horrible moaning sound coming from his student's room. He knew the problem, but as the moaning continued, he decided to take pity on the boy and hurried into the smaller bedroom.)

Qui: Obi-Wan?

Obi: Master, my stomach is not a happy camper. Do something.

Qui: Padawan, I can't do much for you. You ate too much. It'll pass.

Obi: I've already been in the bathroom two times. I think I lost a lung. Can you find it for me?

Qui: You didn't lose a lung. Did you clean up the bathroom?

Obi: Um...

Qui: Try not to throw up again before I get back.

(Qui-Gon found the bathroom a disaster, but it was nothing that he wasn't expecting. He cleaned it up as quickly as he could...but not quick enough. Obi-Wan whined his name from the bedroom, and then the sound he didn't want to hear, was heard.)

Qui: I suppose the fact that the bathroom is clean now makes no difference.

Obi: Sorry, Master. I don't think I should sleep in this bed anymore tonight.

Qui: At least you didn't throw up on my new boots like you did the last time you got sick. Come on, out of the bed. See if you can manage a warm bath while I clean up in here. If you feel like you are getting sick again, please aim for something to contain it. And not the bath tub. Okay?

Obi: I'll do my best, Master.

(The boy waddled his way into the bathroom and turned on the water for the tub. Before long, he was relaxing in the warm welcoming water. His stomach grumbled, but seem to settle afterwards. Eventually, Qui-Gon wandered in.)

Qui: That's enough, Obi-Wan. You need to get some rest. Here's a towel.

Obi: Can I rest on the couch, Master?

Qui: Just for tonight. I've brought you some clean sleep clothes. Get dressed and then I have some tea for you to drink before you settle.

(Obi-Wan dragged his body to the couch. Moaning once more.)

Obi: Who made that cake?

Qui: Yaddle did.

Obi: I should have known. That's why the icing was green, and the little chunks inside were filled with that slimy stuff. She's trying to kill me so that she can have you all to herself.

Qui: Yes, of course she is. I ate cake, and I am fine.

Obi: Because you are immune to the poison. She wants you.

Qui: I thought you were sick to your stomach.

Obi: I am.

Qui: Then why the troll talk? Doesn't it make things worse?

Obi: Owwwwwww, yes. Masterrrrrrrrr. Make it go awayyyyyyyyy.

Qui: Drink this tea.

(Obi-Wan grabbed the drink, desperate for anything to calm his stomach.)

Obi: Ah, SITH! What the hell is this?

Qui: Bren calls it 'death in a cup.' But it's not harmful. That just refers to the taste. It's quite nasty, but I promise you will feel better in the morning.

Obi: I'd rather drink swamp water.

Qui: Ah, no comment.

Obi: NO! That's what this is, isn't it? It's swamp water! Master! Are you trying to kill me too? I am not drinking this. I'll turn into a troll.

Qui: You will not. Drink it.

Obi: You drink it.

Qui: I'm not sick.

Obi: Drink this and you will be. I can't do it, Master. Please. I'd rather just suffer.

Qui: Okay, if that's what you want.

Obi: Good. Will you sit with me till I fall asleep?

Qui: No.

Obi: Master!

Qui: I can't sleep on couches.

Obi: I didn't say YOU sleep, did I? I am the one sleeping. Or trying to.

Qui: You aren't trying very hard. I still hear your lips flappin'.

Obi: I need to stretch out. Move over.

Qui: You are only four feet tall, the couch is eight feet long. How much room can you possibly need?

Obi: I'm a growing boy, Master.

Qui: You are going to grow four feet by tomorrow morning?

Obi: Okay, don't move. Just sit here with me please.

Qui: Okay, I'm here. Now what?

Obi: Hold my hand.

Qui: I don't think so. No physical contact. That leads to mush. And if there is any chance of you throwing up on me, I am not hugging you.

Obi: This is going to be a long apprenticeship for me, isn't it?

Qui: It'll be longer for me. Close your eyes. Sleep.

(Obi-Wan managed to sleep through the rest of the night. Qui-Gon ended up falling asleep where he sat on the couch. The next morning, things were ready to return to normal.)

(Early the next morning, Bren pounded on the door to the Jinn/Kenobi quarters. Eventually she just let herself in.)

Bren: Wake up, Qui-Gon! WAKE UP! This is an emergency.

Qui: Huh? What? Bren, it's only the six hour, what are you doing?

Bren: A ship just contacted the temple communications center. They are requesting clearance to land.

Qui: And your point is?

Bren: They will be landing in three hours.

Qui: Great. Fine. Happy landings to them.

Bren: You don't get it. It's not just any other visitors. It's Jim and Wui. Your cousins.

(Obi-Wan popped up from the couch and screamed at the top of his lungs.)

Obi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Qui: QUIET! Bren, don't toy with my emotions, please. This is a joke, right? A very, very bad and sick joke.

Bren: Sorry, Stretch. No joke. You must prepare yourself.

Obi: Nononononono. This can't be happening to me. Please no. Nononono. Oh, my stomach is flipping again. Just a bad dream. Yeah, that's all it is...just a very bad dream. I'll wake up and all will be well. Please let this be a dream. PLEASE!

Bren: Obi, it's not a dream. Trust me. You have three hours to get ready for the storm.

Obi: I'm gonna be sick.

Qui: I'm gonna be sick with you.

Bren: I could hide you both in my quarters.

Qui: No, Jim will find us.

Obi: If for no other reason then to pull on my braid.

Qui: This is bad news. Obi-Wan, we have to be strong. Stick together. And whatever you do, do NOT mention boxers or curlers to either one of them. Got it?

Obi: My lips are sealed.

Bren: I never thought I'd hear those words from his mouth.

Qui: You probably never will again. Jim has the affect on people. Okay, let's figure out what we need to do and prepare.

Obi: May the Force be with us, PLEASE!

END