Chapter 29: "Strange Friends, Stranger Relationship"
"Souka? What are you doing here? It is a class day, is it not...?"
"Yeah, would've been," she states calmly with a shrug of the shoulders. "'Til some sort of freak power outage hit the whole campus, anyway. While they're fixing it, they cancelled classes. And since you left in a rush on Wednesday and already said you'd be busy most of this week, I decided to check up on ol' Tohno." She smiles slightly.
"Ah." Well, that does make sense. "I had some things to attend to Thursday and today, but Wednesday's early departure was unplanned."
...For all of her usual wisecracks, Tsukihime Souka does actually care about her friends. I would guess that she is the sort of type whom would help her friends, but make her help and assistance less obvious or immediately apparent.
"I see, I see." She looks around. "Nice little patio you got here, Tohno. I can see why you like the one our dorm has so much." Her blue eyes wander around, examining my view of the grounds. The garden Kohaku keeps, the not-so-far off trees of the Nanaya's Forest...
...The solitary tree where, according to Kohaku, our mutual nightmare began.
It is a lovely tree, in contrast to the ugly thing that was born from it. If I did not like the tree so much myself, I would probably have it cut down, but when I tried to subtly bring up the proposal to Kohaku, she seemed to indicate she did not want it cut down either.
As if life was life, and all deserved to live equally.
"...Yes. It is pleasant and healthy for me to sit outside from time to time. We will not be able to for much longer, so I am getting as much in while I can before the snows fall." I re-seat myself.
"Makes sense. Mind if I sit?"
...Gah, she has been standing this whole time. Right...
"Oh, go ahead! You do not have to ask me for something like that, Souka."
With a smile, Tsukihime Souka sits down, crossing her legs after she does so that the calf of one rests on the thigh of the other. To go along with her casual sort of sitting, she is dressed casually... which to her, of course, means a blue hoodie, dark blue pants, and her blue hair tied back in a small ponytail.
...Did I mention Souka really likes the color blue?
"Well, I had just woken up perhaps a half an hour before you arrived, Souka," I confess. "My mind is not fully working yet... apologies."
"Kinda looks like it, too," she quips. "You been gettin' enough sleep, Tohno? Every time you stay over at the dorm, you're always dead last to awaken, even beating out Hanei." Her tone takes on a very subtle, but noticeable to me, serious tone.
…...It also has to do with the fact that Souka is right.
When what happened last year... happened, for months afterwards I would have nightmares of the event. But unlike normal nightmares, where one would awaken... I would not. I would be forced to relive the nightmare, over and over, with varying results as to what transpired during the nightmare.
There were some nights where Nii-san emerged the victor as he straddled me, calmly pushing his knife down into my chest, making me gasp for air as he wrenched and twisted the blade, tearing apart my lung and my heart.
There were some nights where he could not kill me himself, but I succeeded in my own suicide. For some strange reason, it became an extremely grotesque form of hara-kiri, except that I went from heart, to stomach, to other lung, making my torso resemble a huge smile. Physical impossibilities of slashing through my ribs aside, it was extremely gruesome, especially when I would say "I have a final smile for you, Nii-san..." and showed him my flayed flesh right before I expired.
Of course, there were some nights I killed him before it even got to that point, pinning him against the wall and draining him of all his heat so that he resembled something like an Egpytian mummy. Likewise, there were some nights where I would not even face him – I would just hear a small whistling and turn just in time to see an expertly thrown knife slam into my skull right between the eyes, killing me instantly, except that I could see and hear, and for some reason feel, what happened afterwards.
Sometimes, it would be Kohaku crying. Sometimes, Nii-san would say "...No! Akiha! Don't die!" but I would already be dead, so it would be foolish and pointlessly said.
Sometimes, Kohaku and Nii-san would comment on how I was at peace at last, and, while still remorseful, they would be glad that I was finally at rest. I suppose this is the way I would prefer.
…...Then there were the nights where Nii-san simply stripped my corpse and raped me. The ultimate symbol of forced control and dominance. Of victory. Of still-warm flesh spastically squeezing and gripping in death agonies until he ejaculates, fulfilling his primal instinct to impregnate.
…...The problem was not that I was not getting enough sleep – physically, I was. The problem was that mentally, my mind would not be able to rest, as it should. Physically, I would feel fine and rested. Mentally... I was exhausted. It is possibly why I began to drink a little more, as that would at least tend to subvert the dreams into the "less bad" ones, rather than the ones of Nii-san raping me.
"I have been getting the sleep I require," I say. "Physically, I am fine in that regard, getting perhaps a few hours less than most, but I am fully used to this amount, so it is of little concern, actually. Please, do not worry yourself regarding it."
"Yeah? Could've fooled me, Tohno. You zombie out a lot, you know." Souka crosses her arms and looks me over.
It is wise not to underestimate Tsukihime Souka, at any time. For all of her seemingly calm, "whatever happens, happens" nature, she is actually a very good judge of people. Lying to her will almost always inevitably fail. Oftentimes, she knows traits about people well before they admit them.
I am honestly not sure what it is, exactly, that makes her a good judge of moral character, but she seems to know when someone has good intentions and someone has... less than good intentions. Truth be told, she is primarily the one looking out for Hanei during the times we are amongst boys.
It is probably also one of the few times she swallows being treated as a boy – by pretending to be Hanei's boyfriend, an event that has given Seo Akira inspiration more than once to draw. She has kept those drawings tactfully hidden.
…...I will simply hope they are not what I think they are.
"I do not 'zombie out' as you put it. My mind is simply preoccupied with other things. Surely you know that I have a lot of responsibilities even when I get home, as opposed to most girls." I place my hands in my lap and I look Souka in the eye.
"...Mmmmm, yeah, you do got a point," she accedes. "Work at the temple is demanding, but life isn't quite as hectic as yours."
…...Ah, yes. The temple.
I rarely ask Souka about her home life. For all of her laid-back, casual demeanor, few would know that Tsukihime Souka comes from a family that was, by her own admission, even more strict on her upbringing than Otou-sama was to me. I find it hard to believe, but I suppose I will have to take her word for it. People who are very casual such as this are either made that way, or made into that way – and nobody from a upper-class family would be allowed to be so casual, realistically speaking.
If it is true – and I have not known Souka to lie very often at all – there are usually only two reactions that can come out of it. One would be to have her will broken completely, until she obeys without question... similar to how Kohaku lived for the better part of eight years.
The other would be to reject it virtually entirely. This seems to be what Souka has done. Around us, she is the usual, aloof, witty Tsukihime Souka I have grown to like as a friend, and when she is to return home, she simply resumes the role and expectations of one who is a Shrine Maiden at her family's temple, seeing it as only temporary and enduring it.
What will become of that temple when she inherits it, I wonder...? I doubt she would let such a place fall into ruin and disuse. That would gnaw at her conscience, for one, and for two, Souka does actually seem to like temples... just not administering at them. She may simply oversee operations and hire others to do the actual day-to-day work. Her own personal dislike for the duties aside, she does care about the reputation of her shrine, and when she is called back to do something for it, she will do it without hesitation... albeit with some grumbling to myself, Hanei, and Seo beforehand and afterward.
"...How is the temple going, anyway?" I ask her.
"Good, good," Souka says a bit unenthusiastically. "The cold isn't keeping too many people away, so I have to work there this Sunday... "
"Ah, yes. It is Culture Day* this Sunday, is it not? I had nearly forgotten..."
"Yeah. One of the few days I GOTTA work the shrine." She sighs, obviously disappointed.
"Well, yes, but we all have duties," I remind her. "Besides, there will be another band next week. Surely you will find the time then, hm?"
"Yeah. Guess you're right, Tohno. But the second the temple hits closing time, my ass is outta there!" She laughs.
I cannot help but laugh with her, myself.
...Strange. Tsukihime Souka and myself are really nothing alike. It does not even take someone who would know us to deduce that. I am very formal, proper, and elegant. She is informal, vulgar, and simple. And yet... we are friends. No, more than friends... good friends. Friends who can open up to one another without the fear of being judged.
…...…...Was it not someone famous who once said "opposites attract?"
Souka and I would definitely fit into that category. Absolutely nothing about us is alike... well, our body proportions, maybe, but even I trump Souka there.
We do not think the same way. We do not speak the same way. We do not dress the same way. We are almost diametrically opposite from one another... and yet, she is one of the few people who I could consider a close friend.
However, this is as close as I can safely allow her to get. How would I ever explain to her that one of her close friends is something less than human? That she fears that one day, she will lose her humanity and become little more than a blood-sucking demon?
…...That she fears that it will be her friends that she finds when she inverts completely and irreversibly?
Nii-san, Hisui, and Kohaku are the people I least want to kill. Souka, Hanei, and Seo are the next ones I least want to kill. If any of them wound up dead, at my hands... I would not be able to live the life of a human anymore. The human that is fragilely clinging to the framework of a human existence would let go and fall into a dark pit, lined with barbs and hooks, baptized with gore, that scrape and cut the flesh of the human away, leaving only the pure existence of the demon behind.
"It's funny, isn't it?" Souka's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Hm?" I look to her.
"We're nothing alike, yet here we are." She motions, indicating the patio.
"...I was just thinking that myself." I blink a little. She's... not a mind reader, is she?
"Heh. That's one of the things I like about ya, Tohno." She grins a bit.
There is a knock on the patio door. Kohaku enters after a moment. "I brought you and Souka-san some green tea, Akiha-sama."
"Ah. Thank you, Kohaku," I state. Prescient as always, is Kohaku. "A drink would be nice right about now. That will be all for now, though. Please give us some privacy."
"Of course, Akiha-sama." With a smile and a bow, she places the tray down on a small table before departing. Some Aki-Bancha for myself, and Matcha for Souka. Souka takes her cup and holds it carefully as she sips. In a rare show of grace, she drinks it almost exactly as I would, holding the saucer in one hand and the cup very carefully in the other.
"...Good stuff. Same as last time," she says with approval. At the same time, she sets the saucer on her lap and gives a thumbs up with the hand that had been holding it, completely destroying the image of an elegant Tsukihime Souka that had been there momentarily.
"Yes," I reply. "I had a feeling you'd prefer it after your enthusiastic response to it last time." I take a sip of my Aki-Bancha. Kohaku has sweetened it slightly, but it is quite pleasant. A little variance in one's favorite food and drink is not bad from time to time, after all.
For a few moments, we are both silent as we simply sip and enjoy our teas, on this rare November day that is still pleasant. It will not be long before pleasant days such as this one are gone for another year.
"Tohno. You've been in love before, right?" Souka asks, appropriately, out of the blue, as the expression goes.
"...Of course, Souka. What does it matter, though?" ...Well... Nii-san counts, right...?
"Well... there's been someone I've been thinking about being with... but I'm not sure how I should approach them... I'm afraid they'll turn me down or reject me." The very slightest hint of nervousness is apparent in her tone, but her body keeps its composure surprisingly well.
...Such curt dialogue so suddenly from Souka is rare. But she does not come to me with many problems, so I generally try to help her as best as I can.
Especially since seeing Souka in a moment like this is very rare.
I should not be too surprised, honestly. After all, the human creature is a social creature, and it desires at least some level of companionship, even if the person generally likes being alone.
…...There is also the fact that this is harder on Souka than normal, as a result of her boyish appearance. For her to approach someone with something as natural as a relationship proposal is more difficult than it would be for most girls. Even I would have some small amount of advantage, I suppose...
…...On these grounds, then, I will help her.
"Well... how well do you know this person?" I set down my tea on the tray and calmly ask her.
"Ah, very well. They're terrific. I like a lot of things about them," she informs me. "Thing is, I'm not exactly sure how they'd handle such a proposal, and I don't think they're very relationship-experienced, so they may feel too awkward if I just bluntly ask them, ya know?" She shrugs.
"Hm. Well... I suppose if you want to take a relationship to that sort of level, the best thing to do will be to be honest to yourself about your feelings, and admit them to the person in some way or another, but be prepared for rejection," I explain. "Love is idealistic, and sometimes the ideal is not the actual. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst... at least, that is as far as I can read into it, since I am not exactly someone who has many years of experience with romantic relationships."
"...Hmm," is all Souka says in reply, as she scratches her chin.
…...Many? Try "any."
It is painfully true, but I have not really experienced love before. At least, not in the form that Souka seems to be talking about. I have never had someone hold me and say that they love me, and truth be told, I have not even kissed that many times.
I prefer to hug Nii-san, because I can feel more of his warmth that way, but on those rare times I feel a kiss from him on my cheek or on my forehead, it is like a furnace pouring forth from his lips, a heat that I intensely crave to feel for the rest of the day.
And on the occasions where they were on my lips for some reason or another... not only did I feel heat pour forth from him, but I felt a warmth in my stomach that I cannot possibly begin to explain except as feeling intensely pleasant.
But still... Kohaku did kiss me on the lips, albeit to drug me. And Len as well, in that dream. And Seo, in her doujinshi...
...And Nii-san in the garden once, on my forehead, nine years ago. That is the most precious of the few kisses I can truly remember.
"...Hey. Tohno." Souka's voice brings me back from my slight daydream.
"...Yes?" I look at Souka, blinking a few times as the memory of Nii-san's lips against my forehead fades once more.
"...You never did tell me who you were most interested in, you know." She grins slightly.
...Damn. I try to think back to when we had talked about that. I... had nearly blurted out "Nii-san."
"...I am interested in nobody." Yes. That still starts with an "N." That will be good enough for Souka.
"Nobody? I find that hard to believe, Tohno. C'mon, tell me." Her arms cross, and she stares, almost like a hawk that is but waiting for the prey to expose itself to pounce on it, and rip it to shreds.
"Really. I have no interests like that with anybody," I flatly lie as I calmly reach for my teacup again and take a sip. A lightly sweetened Aki-Bancha fills my mouth, and I savor its taste for a moment before I swallow it.
"Hmm. Sometimes you're tough to read, Tohno," Souka concedes with a sigh as she scratches the back of her head.
"...And what are you trying to read, Souka?" I cross my arms after I set my teacup back down on its saucer.
"Well... put bluntly, I think you're lying, Tohno." Her eyes narrow a bit, and a smirk crosses her face.
"...About loving someone? Don't be silly," I comment, attempting to shoot down her accusation. "If I loved someone, do you not think it would be quite obviously and immediately apparent? I would be talking about such an important person all the time, would I not?"
Souka laughs. "You're the one who's being silly, Tohno. C'mon now. Even an Ojou-sama** such as yourself can feel love, can't they?" Her own arms cross, and she sits back more deeply into her chair, her smirk widening.
"Ah, well..." I begin.
…...But…...
…...…...She is correct.
Of course I love someone. I love Nii-san, with every cell of my being. I would gladly die for him if it meant he would survive, as Tohno Akiha has been living on borrowed time ever since "he" killed her nine years ago.
But explaining that situation to Souka would be…...…...
"Well? So who is it? Someone not in your social class?" Like a predator baring its fangs, a glint of white appears in Tsukihime Souka's mouth.
"N-No!" I stammer out. "I-It's irrelevant who I love, isn't it? So please stop asking!"
Souka laughs. "You're so easy to wind up, Tohno. Just get talking about love or sex. ESPECIALLY sex."
She grins... a little sinisterly.
…...…...I do not like the look Souka has right now.
"Could that be it? Could it be Tohno's secretly desiring a roll in the hay?" The rictus grin widens, like a face of death.
"S-Souka!" Her... vulgarity is astonishing to me. One does not talk about matters like that, even with close friends!
"What? Tohno, don't you get it? It doesn't matter your social standing, or your education, or anything. What is fundamentally different about your body compared to mine?"
...Well, aside from the fact that I have slightly larger sizes, and have demon blood in my veins and you do not...
"...Nothing," is the only correct reply. "We share the same organs and systems, as all female humans do."
"Exactly, Tohno. So that means you can think and feel it just like any other girl can." She closes her eyes, grinning widely, almost as if she expects that this statement has won the argument.
"I-I shall feel it when I find a suitable husband, Souka, not before! Such a thing before marriage would be scandalous to our family reputation!" She may not care about her reputation in such a way, but I certainly do! The scandals in the papers would be horrendous... and I doubt people would ever look at me in the same way again.
"Oh? Haven't you ever heard the saying 'There's no such thing as bad publicity' Tohno?" She smiles, quite happily. "Because people love to gossip about the private love lives of those in power, ya know. Some of them even fantasize about hooking up with them..."
"Don't be silly! Bad publicity is bad publicity! It cannot make one more popular, or successful, that is why it's BAD publicity!" Why doesn't she get this?ǃ Bad is bad! Period! Bad things cannot be good, that's the way it should be!
Souka stands up and walks over, smirking a bit. "Tohno... even upper-class ladies don't wait until their marriage anymore, didn't you know that?"
"It doesn't matter! I am comfortable with waiting!" I adamantly state. Really! I am! I, I will be just fine with waiting! I am in no rush to fall in love! I shall do it at my own pace, not someone else's expectations, or society's!
"Are you? Let's find out." With this, she reaches out and takes my hand, and lifts me up out of my seat.
"F-Find out?ǃ What do you mean by th–"
And her lips press against mine.
My mind goes blank. Numb. Just like before.
I am... unused to this situation...
Especially... from a girl...
…...Especially from Tsukihime Souka.
My mind is so confused that I can't even react, really.
…...…...Why her?
I could see a few other people having an interest in me, but... her...? Why...?
...Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why…...?ǃ
Why her, and why me, and why this sort of relationship... why would she want it, with me of all people...?
I, I am not the sort of person to engage in these relationships! Or homosexuality! Ever!
But... despite all that...
"...S…...Souka..." is all that my bewildered mind can piece together and coordinate my throat to say.
"Do you see who I've fallen for now, Tohno? Is it obvious enough yet?" Her hand grips mine a little more firmly. Preventing my escape.
Not allowing the prey to escape from the talons of the predator.
I blink, stupefied. I have an idea, but...
"...S-Souka...?" I ask, my voice uncharacteristically shaking.
"Yeah, Tohno?" Hers, in comparison, calm and strong. As if this was all going to plan.
"...Is... it me...?" It falters near the end.
"You got it!" She says, simply, with a smirk.
* Culture Day: A Japanese holiday that occurs every November 3rd. Generally promotes culture, the arts, academic endeavors, and so on. Also occasionally called "Festival Day."
** Ojou-sama - Respectful term that means roughly "Daughter of a high-class family."
...Me? ME?ǃ Why me?ǃ There's nothing to like about me!
But, even more than that... we are both females! No!
This is unacceptable! I won't allow her to take advantage of me like this!
Next Week (12/26/10) – Chapter 30: "Blind Side ~Under Blue Sky~ Part I"