We got back to the motel and the awkward silence that we had walked back in was broken. I had had enough.
"Tara, what is wrong? First you're all weepy and oh-my-god-I'm-glad-you're-okay and then you avoid me like I'm some kind of leper! I know I kissed you, but seriously, you started it." I was pouting now and I knew it. Unfair, but hey- I was desperate.
"'You started it?' What, we're in kindergarten now?" Her anger took me by surprise. I'd been expecting embarrassment or apologies, not anger. My reaction to the sharp words was not the best I could have had.
"No! But it's freaking true, dammit! You leaned in first, so I thought you wanted it. When you stopped, I took my chance and finished for you! And now you're mad about that? God, I don't get you!" Shouting now, I threw my hands in the air. "But if it's all the same to you, I'd just like to say I'm glad I did. I liked it, and if you're mad, just, just, get over it!"
Tara just sat there blinking in shock during my entire rant. I was panting by now, but my unexpected rage had left me as quickly as it had come, and I was feeling a little ashamed of my outburst. Opening my mouth to apologize, I was stopped by her lips on mine and her hands on my face. Frozen, I didn't react at first, but the feeling of her pulling away jolted my stunned brain into action.
My hands settled on her hips, pulling her closer into me. I felt her tongue tentatively tracing the contours of my still slightly open mouth, and I opened it wider to give her access. When she didn't, I took the initiative and eased my tongue in between her lips. She tightened her grip, sliding one hand into my hair and the other on my back. The feeling of her tongue touching mine was beyond anything I'd ever felt before, and I moaned.
The moan must have startled her, because she pulled back, but kept her forehead resting on mine as we panted.
"Wow." That was the only way to describe how I felt now. Well, maybe over-the-moon, or unbelievable, or euphoric, but I couldn't get my vocal cords working enough to say any of those.
She looked unsure, though. "T-that was okay? I mean, I know you s-said you liked it, but it wasn't too f-forward?" I smiled and kissed her again in answer. Pulling back, I could see she still had her eyes closed.
"It was perfect. Um, I'm sorry for yelling before. You got me a little… mad." Her eyes dropped once again, but I was not having that this time. Reaching out, my fingers gently nudged her chin up until she was looking at me. "You don't have to hide from me, sweetheart. I like you for Tara, and never be ashamed to be just that. You don't ever need to be scared of me."
A smile worked its way across her face and she sighed, leaning into me. "I was scared that you would hate me. For being the way I am. L-liking girls?"
Laughing, I told her, "See, that's where you're a dummy. First of all, didn't I kiss you?" She looked suddenly majorly embarrassed. "And second, I could never hate you. Physical impossibility. Like someone falling upwards."
She smiled sheepishly. "I was being a little dumb, wasn't I?" Reaching over, I clasped her hands in mine.
"It's all right. The entire way here, I was so terrified you would just grab your bags and run. Such a pair, aren't we?" We were sitting down by now, and I surprised her when I gently tugged on her hands. Laying back, I patted the bed. "Come. Snuggle. It's mandatory."
Tara laughed and obeyed. "Well, I can't be breaking the rules before I even get to school, can I?" I wrapped an arm around the blonde as her head nuzzled into my chest.
"No. No, you really can't. Um, Tara? Dumb question here, but I need to know. Will you, will you be my girlfriend?" I held my breath in anticipation of the answer. It was probably dumb to be nervous after the first kiss, but that's how my brain works.
She thought deeply. "Hmm. On one condition." My heart plummeted even as I was agreeing. "That you be mine as well." Swiftly reversing its downward plunge, my heart soared through my chest and ended up somewhere in the stratosphere.
"Of course." Then I lifted my head and kissed my girlfriend.
"Damn! Who would have thought that school would cost so much!" My bank account was crying for mercy as Tara and I left the third store of the day. School restarted in two days and we both needed to get ready. There was so much to get, though! We were both loaded down like pack mules and we weren't done yet.
"Well, only, um, two stores left. It won't be that much more, really!" Tara was trying to be optimistic; I could hear it in her voice. Sadly for the both of us, I had given up.
"I don't care how much more it is! I'm tired, and hungry, and we don't have to be done for two more days. I wanna go home and snuggle my girlfriend, and if you don't like it, I'll do it on my own!" She just looked at me. "Okay, fine, I can't snuggle you without you actually there. But can we stop for today? My arms hurt, and we can finish tomorrow."
"I guess. I thought you were the super-organized one. With the different colored pens, and permanent A's. Why am I suddenly the responsible one here, huh?" She laughed.I'm glad you find amusement in my pain. Really.
I growled at her. My patience had vanished two hours and eighty dollars ago. Her teasing was most emphatically not appreciated. "Oh, please. Like you're not dying inside."
We walked along the sidewalk bickering, drawing some strange looks from other pedestrians. Although, that could have been from the ten tons of stuff we were carrying, or the crappy clothes we had on. I guess when one runs away they aren't all that fashion conscious.
The first stop on our outing from hell was at a clothing store, and boy did we have a ball in there. We tried on everything we could find, and made out in the fitting rooms. I was amazed the salespeople didn't just throw us out!
Thinking of this, I realized that even though we were going out and making out, I'd never taken Tara on a proper date. And yeah, we'd only met a few days ago, but still! I wanted to spoil my girl. Our money situation might make that tricky though. Hmm. I don't think my parents would mind helping me make Tara happy. They love kids! Well sort of not really, and Tara's not a kid, but whatever. They'll help me. They just won't know. And really, they're supposed to take care of me, so it's only right that they share the wealth.
Thoughts like this could be classified as dangerous, but none of my parental issues had gone away. I figured they owed me for near-abandonment, and it was time to collect. Nodding, my resolve face firmly in place, I formulated a plan in my mind to get money from my parent's account and take Tara somewhere nice.
"Um, Willow sweetie? I know you're tired and all, but is there a reason for that face?" Poor Tara looked a bit intimidated.
"Congratulations Tara, you've just had your first encounter with the infamous 'resolve face'. See it and tremble, for none can stand before it. Well, they can, but not without giving in to it." It was true, too. On the few instances where I had both reason and opportunity, my resolve face never failed me. Kept me outta trouble with my parents quite a few times- just flash it to the nanny and watch her fold.
"Yeah. Uh-huh. Very nice. Let's go, we still have two stores to hit."
"What? Tara? Noooo…"
I dragged my tired ass through the door and into bed. "You are a meanie and a tyrant. How did you resist my resolve face? No one can resist the resolve face! It's like impossible!" Tact was not a word in my vocabulary at this particular moment. Too tired to care, you know?
The blonde shrugged. "When you've faced down my mother's puppy-dog pout, you can face down anything. Also, I know you weren't thinking about shopping when you had it on, so spill."
Wow. She's good. "All right, all right. Will you go out with me?"
She looked confused. "Didn't we cover this yesterday? Yeah, I'm your girlfriend."
"No, I mean go out. On a date. With me. Please?" Now I felt like an idiot.
A pleased grin started working its way across Tara's face. It developed into the most brilliant smile I'd ever seen, and then I was enveloped in a whirlwind of blonde hair and kisses. "You *kiss* are *kiss kiss* the SWEETEST *nibble* girlfriend *kiss* I have ever *lick* had!" Well, maybe more than just kisses, but hell, I wasn't complaining!
"Tomorrow I'm taking you somewhere nice. Somewhere good enough for you." I had to gently push her away, saying, "Come on, if we're being all responsible, we should organize this all." This was said with not a little reluctance. I didn't want to let go any more than she did, if that massive pout was any indication.
It was too good to pass up. I leaned in and caught the offending lip between my teeth, licking all along it and then sucking as much as I could into my mouth. The blonde moaned, deep in her throat, and I felt her legs tremble next to mine. As quickly as I could, I jumped back, flashing a cheerful grin her way, and exclaimed, "Well come on Tara, time's a-wasting!"
The look on her face was priceless. I bet people would pay money to see it. She was swaying, face flushed, panting hard. On top of that was an expression of such shock that it was a wonder to me how she wasn't just keeling over. I shot another cheeky grin her way, then got serious. "Really, Tara, we need to find an apartment soon. Can you grab the paper next to you?"
She sighed, resigning herself to her smoochie-less fate. We then spent the next hour and a half going through the five newspapers I had bought. When we finished, she threw them all across the room and jumped on me. The predatory look in her eye made me gulp, as did her hair trailing across my face as she leaned into me, purring, "You are going to regret being such a vixen, Miss Rosenburg."
I shuddered, then somehow found the strength to reply. "Oh really. Is that right, Miss Maclay?"
She grinned. I gulped. Oh boy. "Count on it."
The instant her lips touched mine I knew I was in trouble. The taste of Tara on my lips drove me wild with desire. The little lightning bolts shooting from our joined mouths straight to my center didn't help at all either. Moaning, I wrapped my arms around her, drawing her tighter into me. Our lips parted, allowing tongues to come into play, fighting a battle for dominance that neither of us particularly wanted to win. I felt one of her hands tangle almost painfully in my hair as the other ran down to my stomach. It slipped under my shirt, leaving trails of fire in its wake. I felt an almost savage need for the blonde, to have something that was mine.
I flipped us over, landing firmly on top of her. My lips landed on hers again, almost too hard for a second before I drew back a little and soothed the bruised flesh with my tongue. My hands traced the same path hers had taken just seconds earlier, but on her body, and a little lower. She whimpered under me, hands coming up to rest on my shoulders. I drew back, letting our lips disconnect. "You okay, baby?"
She was flushed and panting, but even the incredibly sexy sight of an aroused Tara couldn't cover the sudden fear in her eyes. She pushed at me gently, begging with her eyes for me to move. I did so without complaint, sitting up and taking her with me. She immediately burrowed into my arms, hiding her face in my hair.
"I c-can't," she sniffled, "it's too much, too fast. I know I started it and all, but it's... I just... I can't." I felt for her. I wasn't mad, or upset, or anything she might have thought. Relationships needed time to develop before getting this intimate. It made sense. I just wished I'd thought of it before.
"I'm s-sorry."
Those two words confused me. What did she have to be sorry about? If anything, I should be apologizing. I'd practically pinned her down! Oh, god…
"Tara I am so sorry. I completely spaced about… everything with your family. We can go as slow as you want, nothing more, nothing less. But don't blame yourself, okay? Not your fault. Nothing to be sorry for. Now seriously love, look at me."
Throughout my entire (seriously guilty) speech, she hadn't once raised her head. As she did, frightened tears glistening at the corners of her beautiful blue eyes caught me off guard. The terror I'd seen was unbelievable. Before my brain could catch up to my body, I'd pulled away and strode for the door, rage in every pore of my body. I wanted blood- and I knew whose.
"W-Willow? Where are you g-going?" The sound of her stutter reappearing only fueled my anger more. The determination to go out and destroy every little bit of those scum who'd put the fear in my beauty's eyes boiled through my blood.
"I'm gonna kill them. A lot. No one should be able hurt you and get away with it, especially not family." I spat the last word out as if it were poison in my mouth, disgust at those… creatures dripping from my words. Sure, I had my difficulties with my parents, but this went beyond a little indifference. This was calculated hurt, and pleasure gained from pain.
I couldn't even think about Donnie. If I thought about it, how he used his sister in that way, how he beat her down and raped her, I would explode. Even without thinking about it, I was pretty damn close.
"W-what? You're gonna kill who? My family? They're not worth it, my roşii." The word brought me up short. The love infused into that one little word made me realize that no matter how mad I was, anger and revenge wouldn't get me anything, and would probably lose me my Tara. Still, my mini-epiphany didn't stop me from being mad.
"They hurt you. They have to pay." She grabbed me, spinning me to face her. My eyes widened- she was pissed now.
"Will you please listen to me? Yes, they hurt me, you're mad. I don't blame you- I'm angry as well. But think, Will, you get thrown in jail, how will I see you? Through a little glass window? They're. Not. Worth. It. They're not worth throwing your life away for. Now if they come down here, I'll gladly let you at 'em. Actually, I probably won't, but still. I lo-" Her eyes widened, and she scrambled to cover a slip I wasn't sure I had heard. "I mean, you mean so much to me already, I don't want them to take that away as well. Do, do you get it at all?"
Do I ever. "I do. And for what it's worth, I am, you know."
She looked at me quizzically, her head cocked to the side. "What?"
I looked straight into her eyes, letting her see everything about me. The good, the bad, the monumentally fucked up. Nothing hidden, nothing made up. Just me, shown to her in all honesty as I answered.
"Yours."
I woke up slowly the next morning. My entire body was warm and comfortable, lulling me back into dreamland. Snuggling into my pillow, my drowsy brain noticed that it was warmer than when I'd fallen asleep. It was softer too, and was it… moving? Suddenly my eyes popped open. Oh, hell. Please let her be asleep. God, if you love me, let her be asleep.
My eyes slowly ventured up Tara's body, lingering on the incredibly luscious chest I was currently resting on. Hell. Blue eyes awaited me, mirth dancing in the cobalt depths. "Comfy?" She inquired innocently. The edge of laughter in her voice was the only thing betraying how close to total hilarity she was.
"Eeep!" I squeaked and dived beneath covers. This served only to bring me face-to-face (well, maybe not face-to-face) with her barely clothed legs. "Eeep!"
I popped back out faster than I'd dived in, but backed off, putting a small but respectable distance between us. Tara was shaking with laughter, and the little blood that wasn't throbbing in my clit rushed to my face in a red-hot blush. "Oh, sweetie, I wish you could see your face right now!"
Yeah, she was laughing at me. If I wasn't so busy not thinking about a scantily-clad Tara laying mere inches away from me, I'd probably have resented that. As it was, my brain was distracted.
A thought occurred to me- why was Tara in my bed? We did have two. "Tara? Not that I'm complaining, because believe me, I'm not, but, um… Why are you in my bed? I thought we had two so you wouldn't have to share." She looked down briefly, and I saw her face fall. "Don't get me wrong, I love waking up with you, I'm just wondering."
She glanced up at me and sighed. "I know. I'm not offended. I, um, I had a nightmare." She admitted it grudgingly, like she thought it was a sign of weakness or something. "I woke up, and I thought I was back home. I… I wanted to be sure you were still here. And that they weren't."
Impulsively, I scooted up the bed and pulled her into me, laying her head on my chest and wrapping my arms around her. I combed my fingers through her hair as I spoke. "I'm here, baby, and I'm not going anywhere. Now, no moping. Today is out last stress-free day before school starts. I'm taking you out tonight to show you how permanent I am, and we've laid in bed all morning. Now scoot missy, get your butt outta bed!"
After several hours of rushing around and frantic phone calls, I was forced to stop and rest. Simply put, I ran out of things to do.
The date was arranged to my total satisfaction. It didn't cost me as much as I had anticipated, and Tara was gone, kicked out of the house so I could set everything up without her hearing. She was running errands and viewing potential apartments. She had protested at first, but I had told her that if she liked it, I would too.
My reluctance to tell her what we were doing didn't sit well with her, though. She had said that she didn't like surprises, that she should know what was going on. My counter to this was simple- 'Do you trust me?' She couldn't argue after that. I still felt a bit guilty, even with her acquiescence.I'll make it up to her. It's for her own good, anyway.
I sat on the bed, at a bit of a loss. We had reservations at a New Mexican restaurant, La Hacienda, at six thirty. Tara was supposed to be home by six fifteen so we had time to walk over. I caught a glimpse at the clock, and shrieked. "Five? It can't be five already! I have to get dressed!" And on that note, my rushing continued.
A shy knock on the door drew my attention from the two necklaces I was contemplating. I threw both on and went to answer it. There stood Tara, a smile on her face and a bouquet in her hands. She looked incredible.
A long black skirt with a tantalizing sight of skin peeking through a slit up her thigh. Silky blue blouse that didn't leave all that much to the imagination. Heavy black boots that vanished up her skirt, and bangles and a choker as accessories.
She thrust the flowers at me, saying "I know they're not roses, but I wanted you to have them." My mouth hung open and I shut it with a snap.
"They're beautiful. You look… that's… wow." Complete sentences were outside my capabilities at the moment. She blushed, and shook her head. "No, really, I've never seen anyone so amazing."
She smiled faintly. "I'm all right. You're the real beauty here."
I chuckled. "Much as I would enjoy standing here complimenting you all night, we gotta go." My watch beeped, emphasizing my point. "You, my dear, are late!" With that, I grabbed her hand and dragged her out the door.
I hope she likes this.
I swept open the door, bowing low. "My lady, your dinner awaits."
Tara giggled. "Why thank you, kind sir."
"Kind sir? Kind sir? Why am I the butch one?" Whiny, yeah, but hey- I'm not butchy. Much.
"Well, you are wearing the pants here." Damn, she was right. "Although I gotta say Willow, I like you in leather." Blushing, I shoved her playfully. Leather pants may look good on me, but it was very far from comfortable. All tight and squeaky and altogether not me, which is exactly why I was wearing them, of course. Remaking me into what I could have been. This was a bit extreme, I had to admit, but I kinda liked the bad-ass feeling. The look I got from Tara when she saw it? That was cool too.
Looking around the restaurant, I thought I'd made a good choice. It wasn't expensive, but it had a vibe to it that spoke of classiness. Also, it wasn't a typical Mexican restaurant. There wasn't any cheesy mariache music playing, and no obnoxious toddlers screaming and running everywhere. It was quiet, and cozy, with tables in the center of the room and booths lining the walls. I liked it, and judging from the look on Tara's face, she did too.
The hostess approached with the stereotypical fake smile, leading us to a booth in the back when I gave my name. Nice and private, my subconscious exclaimed. "Okay, so leather, check. Now the real question: do you like spicy food?" I probably should have thought of that before, especially since I planned for anything and everything else. You know, snow, muggers, attacking frogs- everyday things that can go wrong.
Her smile dispelled any doubts I might have had. "Love it. I didn't get it much at home. Pretty small town, you know?" It was a relief and an amazement to me that she was able to speak of home without any doubts or bitterness. It reinforced my belief of her as a truly kind person, as well as one who wouldn't hold a grudge. Sunnydale would be a sore spot for me to even think about for a long while yet.
Focusing on the blonde-haired, blue-eyed goddess sitting across from me, I shoved my thoughts away. "I'm glad. The food's New Mexican, so-" her sudden squeal made me jump.
"Ooooh! I love New Mexican! You, dear Sir Willow, have good taste." Conversation flowed freely from there. Our main topic of discussion was school tomorrow. I admit, I bragged a little, but I was then shamed into silence with her own academic accomplishments.
"Okay, so on top of being an honor student for like ever, you painted? For money? That makes me feel… well, still smart, but less over-the-top know-it-all." She was blushing a light pink that was both incredibly cute and unbelievably sexy.
We were interrupted with the arrival of our food. Quesadilla for me, posole1 for her. We took one look at the other's dish and shoved them both to the center of the table. When the time came for dessert, I called for the check instead. "What? No dessert?" Oh that pout was good.
"No, baby, I have other plans for dessert." She pouted more. My voice went up an octave or two. "Nope. Pout won't work on me. No way. Uh-uh." My god that lip looked edible, all stuck out and gently glistening and I just wanted to- "CHECK!"
Strolling along in a park I'd found on my laptop, our heads were tilted back as we gazed at the stars. We held hands, just reveling in the peaceful quiet surrounding us. "Look- Orion, and Andromeda. My favorites." I pointed with my free hand, tracing their invisible lines.
"There's the big Pineapple." Her own hand rose, pointing to the heavens.
"Um, you know, I'm not sure I remember that one." Somehow it didn't surprise me that this wonderful girl held surprises even for the stars.
"The- the real ones never made sense to me." She smiled sheepishly, and looked away. Grinning, I rested my head on her shoulder.
"Teach me?"
We'd walked almost the entire length of the park, and as we drew close to the edge, I veered off into a sideways path. Motioning for Tara to follow, I ducked into a little glade I'd found earlier. A picnic blanket and a basket rested on the grass. A single rose adorned the top. "I told you I had plans for dessert."
Her hands flew to cover her mouth. Tears sparkled at the corners of her eyes, frightening me. "Tara? If you don't like it we can go get ice cream or something. Whatever you want. There's gotta be a decent ice cream place in LA. God, I need a cell phone." I wrung my hands nervously.
"Oh, goddess, Willow. This is amazing! When did you do this?"
"When I kicked you out earlier. That's when I made all of the arrangements." She hugged me spontaneously. "Hey, we haven't even gotten to dessert yet." I sat down on the blanket, patting the space next to me for her to join me. She complied, sinking gracefully down into a cross-legged position. Yanking the lid of the cooler open, I produced chocolate, fruit, and chocolate-covered fruit. As well as chocolate in fruit shapes. Always best to be prepared!
"Willow, I'm not worth all this." Tara's voice was dead serious. I didn't like that, so I went for a joke to ease the mood.
"That's my line! Don't you be stealin' my lines!" She just looked at me, confused. She'd never heard my full story, just the abridged version. It must not have revealed the feelings behind my crazy stunts. From the look on her face, she wasn't going to let me off the hook without telling the full story.
I sighed. "Remember how I told you about me?" She nodded. "I did all that because I thought I was worthless, a waste of space. My parents ignored me, at school I was just there to do other people's work. I was the tragic nerd, no friends or even allies. After a while, I just went numb inside. Cutting made me feel alive, without the pain of living.
"The day it all went to hell? I think a new kid transferred in, a smart one. All of a sudden, my standing was gone. I wasn't worth a single thing. I ran out in the middle of class, ended up on Kingman's Bluff. Couldn't take the pain anymore. I jumped. Woke up in the hospital. Doctor said I'd been in a coma for five days. Realized there wasn't anything in town for me, wanted a fresh start. Took the next bus outta Sunnydale." My sentences had gotten briefer as I'd continued. It was probably a coping mechanism to deal with a pain that was still fresh.
Pulling up my pant leg, I gestured to the still-visible lacerations. "I got these in the jump. Fun, aren't they? You've already seen my arms." For the first time since starting my maudlin tale, I looked at Tara. She looked… positively horrified. I stood slowly. "I'll go now."
She threw out her hands, catching my hand. "Go? Go where? Why are you going somewhere?"
Obvious much? "You don't want to be around me. Suicidal cutter freak, remember?" My head dropped, and my hands unconsciously traced the lines on my forearms.
"Yeah, and I'm the abused girl whose brother r-raped her. Why don't you walk away from me?" My head shot up.
"No! You're a good person. What happened to you doesn't change who you are. And who you are is an amazing, kind, beautiful person who I lo- like very much." She was not allowed to put herself down.
"Willow, don't you see? The same can be said for you. Even if you don't believe me, I'm not letting you go." I looked at her pensively. What if she was wrong? What if I hurt her, or myself? Maybe- no. it was her choice. I wasn't leaving until she told me to.
"It's funny." I mused as I sat back down.
"What?" She pulled me down, resting my head in her lap, long fingers stroking my hair.
"All this time I've been with you? I've never wanted to cut once. You make me special. Worth something. And that's the greatest thing in the world."