Receive With The Restart Chapter 11: I Think I Might Totally Be Lost, a harry potter fanfic

*J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter!

*Title of the chapter comes from 'The Girl' by City and Colour! It's Great!

*So, I have something very important to ask. I don't know how many of you guys have read one of my other stories 'Can't Stop Loving You'. I really liked that story, and felt like it had the potential to be really strong. I feel like in the past year, I've become a much better writer, and I've considered rewriting it, and maybe changing it up a bit. Would any of you guys be interested in that? Thanks for your input!*

"Rose, I can explain," I say quickly. I don't know how the hell I'm going to explain this, but I suppose I'll have to try something.

Rose shakes her head at me in disbelief. "They're joking, right? Please say..." She trails off, knowing full well by the expression on my face that this isn't a joke.

"You can't tell anyone!" I tell her immediately. "If you tell- well, you heard what could happen!"

"Why the heck would they do something like that? My dad doesn't even know?" Rose demands, shaking her head again.

"No, and you shouldn't know either," I point out. "You shouldn't be eavesdropping on Mum and Dad!"

Rose crosses her arms and glares at me. "Should you be?" she counters. "Besides, I came downstairs to get some ice for Nina like you said."

"Then you should be doing that. I don't know how you found your way over here," I tell Rose. I know she knows I'm frustrated with her, but I don't think she wants to back down either. She's too stubborn for her own good.

"Don't get mad at me! This isn't my fault!" Rose argues indignantly.

"I'm not angry at you! Just go away!" I demand.

"Why do I have to leave? What are you going to do, stand here in front of the door like an idiot?" Rose questions, raising an eyebrow.

"It isn't up to you what I do. And how about we make a deal? If you leave, I leave," I offer. I just want to keep Rose from running into Dad's study. I've learned that simply telling her not to do so won't stop her.

"We leave at the same time," Rose decides. What the hell does the time we leave matter, as long as I'm after her? "Besides, I want an explanation."

"I don't owe you anything. Now get what you came down here for and take your narrow bum back upstairs."

Rose smirks at me. "Not until you promise to tell me more," she says. Merlin, Scorpius has rubbed off on her.

"I'm not telling you anything! Go upstairs!" I shout.

Suddenly, the door to the study opens and Mum steps out, closing it behind her. "Girls, what's all this yelling?" She questions, giving us both suspicious looks.

"Nothing," I lie. "Right, Rose?"

Rose opens her mouth to say something, then she notices the look on my face. "Right," she grumbles, giving Mum a dirty look. "Belle and I were just gonna go upstairs and talk about something."

Mum frowns at Rose slightly, then turns to me. "Isobelle, I thought you were already upstairs?"

"Me too," Rose agrees. "What are you doing down here?" I swear, I could kill her.

"I was in the library. I was about to go upstairs, and then I ran into Rose. Now we're both going upstairs," I tell Mum, narrowing my eyes at my demon of a little sister.

"Oh, all right, then. I'm going to make dinner soon. Are Daisy and Albus staying?"

Rose nods. "Yeah." She grabs my arm. "Bye, Mum. Come on, Belle." Rose steers me up the stairs. I'm sure Mum is confused beyond words, probably wondering why the hell we're acting so strange.

Rose brings me to her bedroom and shuts the door. I do a quick sound-proofing charm. "Go ahead. Let it out," I tell her.

Rose crosses her arms. "Mum and Dad are both liars," She huffs angrily. "Especially Mum. How could she do that to my dad?"

"You don't understand, Rose," I tell her.

"Why the heck would I understand something like that? Were they just never going to tell Nina, or anyone?"

I shake my head. "No, they aren't going to say anything, and neither are you!"

"What if Nina does find out? What if my dad finds out?" Rose questions. Obviously, neither of those things would be good. I've never worried about Ron finding out, but I know Nina would hate Mum and Dad if she ever learned the truth.

"Neither of those things are going to happen, okay? Just forget about it."

"How long have you known?" Rose asks. I don't understand what part of 'forget about it' she doesn't comprehend.

"I've known since before Nina was born. Now honestly, this conversation is over, all right? And I don't want you treating Nina any differently. Or Mum and Dad for that matter," I add. "Do you understand me?"

Rose nods. Her eyes are downcast. "Getting older sucks," she says, flopping down on her bed and sighing.

"What makes you say that?" I question.

"It's because when you get older, you start to realize that people aren't who you thought they were. Like Mum. When I was little, I thought she was like the nicest person ever. Now she's just a selfish liar," Rose explains.

"You don't mean that. You're just upset right now."

"I do mean it! Mum is selfish! Look at what she did to you and Nina! Who could do that to their kids and not be eaten alive by guilt? And then she's always telling us how we should be kind and honest and all that junk and she's the worst out of anyone! It's not fair!" Rose groans.

I can't say she's wrong. That's exactly how Mum is. But I never once thought she did any of those things to hurt us. "Rose, Mum is doing her best. You know that, don't you?"

Rose shakes her head. "Doesn't feel like it," she grumbles.

It's hard for me to try and say things to make Rose feel better. At one point, I felt exactly the same as she did. Sometimes, I still do. "Well, it's a little hard because our situation isn't normal. Mum and Dad just sort of have to play it by ear."

"That's reassuring," Rose scoffs. She's quiet for a while. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, anything."

"Do you think if it weren't for you, Mum and my dad wouldn't have got divorced?" Rose questions, giving me a serious look.

She makes it sound like it was all my fault. "Rose, from what I heard, your parents were already having problems with their marriage before I came about," I inform her.

"Well, it could have been a contributing factor. I would be mad too if the person I was married to cheated on me and had two kids, and didn't tell me either time," Rose adds. "And then brought one of them back into my house."

I frown slightly. I don't like how Rose thinks she can speak so freely with me about this. Whether she means to hurt me or not, she just shouldn't say it. "Rose, you're free to think anything about this that you want. But, I'd much rather you didn't tell me," I say.

"Why not?" Rose questions, completely oblivious.

I purse my lips for a long while, trying to think of a way to explain things to her. "I want you to step into my shoes for a moment, all right? Now think about everything you just said, and how I must feel hearing it."

"I'm sorry," Rose apologizes quietly. "I didn't think it bothered you."

"Would that not bother you?" I question, raising my eyebrows at Rose.

She nods. "Yeah, I guess it would. Really, I'm sorry. It must suck to be you."

"Thank you for that, Rose. That made me feel a lot better about myself." Rose can be so very tactless at times.

Rose's door opens and in walks Nina. She has a pout on her face as she notices me. "Belly, my hand really, really hurts. Rose never got me ice," Nina tells me, holding her hand out and giving Rose a pointed look.

"Yeah, well that's because-" I elbow Rose harshly and give her a look to shut her up.

"I was gonna say because I forgot! Geez," Rose complains. Something tells me I was right not to take any chances.

"All right, we'll go run some cold water over it," I tell Nina, getting up from Rose's bed. "Rose, you should probably go back to Hugo and Al."

"Yeah, in a minute." Rose agrees. She looks sort of upset. Nina offers me her good hand and I lead her down the hallway to her bathroom.

"Let's have a look, shall we?" I examine the small burns on Nina's fingertips and palm. Really, Exploding Snap isn't a children's game. "Looks like you got yourself good."

Nina nods. "It hurts, Belly!" she whines, poking her lower lip out.

"I know it does. Hold your hand over the sink, all right? This will make it feel a bit better." I turn on the faucet and let the water run over Nina's hand. She winces, but for the most part, she seems fine. "Does it hurt any less?"

"Yeah," Nina says quietly. "I'm never playing Exploding Snap again," she promises me.

"I think that's a wise idea. Now, go ahead and dry your hand. I'll put some burn paste on it for you later."

"Thanks, Belly." Nina rubs her hand on the pink flowered towel hanging on the rack. She turns to look at me. "Can I get ice cream?" she questions.

I shake my head. "Mum said she was going to make dinner soon. You don't want to spoil your dinner."

"But, I'm hungry," Nina whines, giving me that adorable puppy-face of hers. I can't resist it. It makes me melt every time.

"Fine," I sigh. "But this has to be our secret, okay?"

"Kay!" Nina says happily. "Wanna come with me, Belly?"

I suppose it couldn't hurt anything. Besides, Mum and Dad are always saying they want me to spend more time with Nina.

Minutes later, Nina and I are seated at the dining room table, and she has a bowl of strawberry ice cream in front of her.

"Belly, have you ever met a pink cow?" Nina questions.

I shake my head, frowning. "No, I haven't met any cows, let alone a pink one. Why?"

Nina shrugs. "I was just wondering. Because Hugo says they aren't real. I called him stupid for that," she informs me.

"Nina, that isn't nice," I chastise her. "Why were the two of you talking about pink cows?"

"Well, I told Hugo that if white milk came from white cows, and brown milk came from brown cows, then pink milk would come from pink cows. So would pink ice cream," Nina reasons, waving her spoon leisurely. That isn't at all true, but I don't have the heart to tell her so. Having had three siblings her age already, I know that if a six-year-old is set on thinking something, there's no changing their mind.

"Oh, I understand," I tell her. "But, I haven't met one yet."

"Maybe you will someday. Maybe I'll ask Daddy for Christmas. Daddy gets me what I want," Nina says nonchalantly. That is true. Being the youngest, Dad spoils Nina to no end. It drives Mum up a wall.

"Thinking about Christmas already, are you? It's months away," I remind her.

"I know that. Belly, can I tell you a secret?" Nina questions, giving me a serious look. I don't know why, but that makes me feel nervous. I wonder if Nina's heard anything recently.

"Of course, you can."

"You're my favorite," Nina tells me. That makes me let out a sigh of relief.

"Well, thank you, Nina. Why's that?" I question.

"Because you talk to me like I'm a grown-up and stuff. And you're like a princess to me," Nina answers. That really makes me smile. Sure Nina and I don't always get along, but that's only because she's just six.

"That's very nice of you to say. But what about the rest of our brothers and sister? Don't you like them, too?"

Nina nods. "Yeah, I like them. Hugo's my other favorite. He's nice to me and plays with me a lot. But Rose doesn't like to play with me or talk to me, and Scorpius is mean to me," Nina says sadly. "You're my favorite sister. Am I your favorite sister?"

Most of the time, I don't really feel like Nina's sister. I feel like I'm her aunt or something. It's just that, with a fifteen year age-difference, it's easy to forget we're siblings, and it's quite hard to treat her like one.

"I don't have a favorite. I love all four of you the same," I tell Nina.

She looks a bit crestfallen. "No fair. That's what Mummy and Daddy say."

"Because it's the truth."

"Oh. But I only have a favorite because Rose and Scorpius are grumpy and mean all the time. Rose says I bother her and Scorpius says he wants to be at his mummy's house instead," Nina says. I knew Scorpius was just itching to be back with Astoria.

"Really? When did he say that?" I ask.

"He only said it two times today," Nina responds. "I don't get why Scorpius likes his new mummy more than Mummy. Mummy's really nice and she does nice things for us. Does Scorpius' mummy do nice stuff for him?"

Hell no. "I'm not really sure," I tell Nina.

"Oh, If I had a new mummy or daddy like Scorpius, I would tell them to go away. I love my Mummy and Daddy," Nina says nonchalantly, licking her spoon. I really hope that over the years, she can hold to that statement.

"Hey," I say to Teddy uncomfortably. I haven't spoken to him since the day he kissed me, and I really do think we need to discuss that.

"Hey," Teddy replies sheepishly.

I take a seat beside him on the sofa, and he looks away from me, suddenly taking an interest in his shoes. "I'm not mad at you, if that's what you think," I say finally. "I'm not upset, either."

"I am," Teddy replies quietly. "I was wrong for that."

I know Teddy was wrong for kissing me, but I was just as wrong for letting him. I don't know why I did. Maybe I was just so upset, I just wanted to feel as if someone else cared for me. "Why did you do it?" I ask.

Teddy shrugs. "I don't know, I just wasn't thinking, I guess."

"That's not what I meant. Were you just frustrated with your relationship with Victoire, or did you actually want to kiss me?" I ask. Those are two very different reasons, both with very different meanings.

"You're my cousin, Belle," Teddy reminds me, still looking away from me.

"Discount that for a moment. I'm saying that if we weren't related, would you have still kissed me?" I ask.

"I don't really know," Teddy admits. "It just seemed like the right thing to do at the moment. I thought you-"

"You thought I what?" I ask, confused. "Did you think I wanted you to?" Honestly, I don't know what I wanted. That thought scares me. I shouldn't want Teddy to be near me in that way at all.

"It just upsets me to see you hurt all the time," Teddy admits finally. "You don't deserve that." His hair turns a deep blue color. I don't think he's even aware of it.

"Are you talking about Holden?" I ask. Teddy doesn't answer, and I take it as a yes. "Teddy, you know how Holden is, and you know he loves me. You don't have to worry about that." I think of the other day when Holden yelled at me, and it scared the living hell out of I know he only did it because he cares for me. Still, I can't imagine Teddy ever being that way with Victoire, and she can be just as infuriating.

"I know," Teddy says quietly. "I just want you to be happy."

"I am happy," I tell Teddy. I know he can tell by my voice that I'm lying, because he finally turns and looks at me. Teddy looks so guilty and upset that it makes me feel terrible inside.

"Are you really?" He questions.

"I'm happy with Holden. Teddy, we resolved our argument. He just thinks that he has to take care of me, and I need him too much. And I'm ungrateful to him sometimes. I guess I burden him more than I know. I'm glad he told me."

"Don't you hear yourself?" Teddy mutters, an edge to his voice.

"What do you mean?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows.

"You let Holden say whatever he wants to you, and it doesn't bother you?"

I shake my head. "Not when he says things like that. I'd rather know than not know. If Holden didn't care about me, he wouldn't care how I behaved," I inform Teddy. Why does he take everything Holden says to heart?

"God, you're confused," Teddy mutters, shaking his head.

"What do you mean? I'm not confused! Holden is your best friend, you shouldn't be so hard on him."

Teddy stares at me for such a long while. "I'm not being hard on him. You just shouldn't let him make you feel so small. Belle, you're way more important than you know," he tells me.

I don't know what to say. I don't know why Teddy and Holden are so close, almost like brothers, yet Teddy feels the need to criticize the way Holden is to me. If I had a problem with it, I would have done something, wouldn't I?

"Why do you feel the need to protect me?" I ask. "It's always you. Always. Why?"

Teddy clasps his hands together. "Would you prefer it not be me?" He asks.

"I shake my head. "No, that's not what I was saying. It's just that, whenever I'm deeply upset, it's you who knows how to make me feel more comfortable. I can tell you how I feel about things without you questioning me. I can cry in front of you for hours and not feel embarrassed. Why is that person you and not Holden?" I question, putting my head in my hands out of frustration.

Teddy puts his arm around me. I want to say something, but I can't. Maybe that's what got Teddy and I into this in the first place. We're just too close to each other. We hug, and hold hands, and now we've kissed.

"I think that's something you need to ask Holden," Teddy tells me quietly. "Just tell him exactly how you feel. You need someone who's there for you, and won't judge you no matter what. Someone who loves you and all your flaws, and not just when they aren't interfering with what they've got going on."

I take a deep breath. "You know, now I think I know why everyone in our family marries each other," I say quietly. "It isn't just for the blood. Who better could understand you?" Now, of course, I don't feel that way about Teddy, but it's understandable. I just hope that me being being able to understand doesn't make me any more susceptible.

"Just tell Holden how you feel," Teddy tells me again. "That's all you have to do." I only wish it were that easy. Whenever I'm about to admit my feelings to Holden, I feel like I just can't put them into words. I start crying, and I don't know why that is. Guilt, perhaps.

"Why did you kiss me, Teddy?" I question.

"I told you," Teddy says.

"Not really. You said you- never mind. It's not that important, is it? I suppose I'm just trying to rationalize in my head why I let you kiss me- why I kissed you back. Am I really that pathetic?" I ask. Teddy pulled away when he realized what he was doing was wrong. I just sat there. Why didn't I do anything?

"God, no. Belle, I shouldn't have even put you in that position. I'm sorry," Teddy apologizes.

"I shouldn't have come to you. I shouldn't have stayed over. I should have just dealt with it myself. Because now, I'm more confused than ever."

"Why are you confused?" Teddy questioned.

I feel myself growing agitated, and I'm not really sure why. "Teddy, you know I've never kissed anyone other than Holden. Anyone. You know how Holden feels about me. And then you kissed me. How can I not be confused? You would lead me to believe that you feel the same as Holden," I tell Teddy. I know he doesn't feel that way about me. He can't. I just wish he would stop acting like it. For both our sakes.

(A/N: I'm sorry this chap's short, but I have midterms all week, so I really wanted to get one up while I had the chance. Hope you guys like the chap! Leave a review! :)