Chapter 32: "An Existence, Evergreen"
Saturday, November 2, 2002

…...…...

…...Consciousness…...?

I try to open my eyes. They open, and I am looking up at the tester of my bed.

I sit up and look at myself. At my arms. At my hands.

…...I am definitely alive.

It... it felt like my soul had ripped free from my body. So how can I be...?

I sit up. I am definitely in my room, as if I had laid down in here perfectly normally.

...But, I know I did not fall asleep in here. No...

...My memory returns to me. Talking with Souka. Drinking the tea with Souka.

…...Doing "that" with Souka...

I cannot help but blush furiously.

I cannot believe that she did that. More importantly, I cannot believe that after awhile, I no longer cared that she was because I... enjoyed it...

…...That should not have been something I enjoyed. Souka and I are both female, so why did I...?

…...Why did I let her? Why did I never want to stop Souka, once that began to feel so... pleasant?

My mind wanted to say no, but my body kept screaming yes. This maddening feeling, this desire of mine to want her to keep doing that to me... it simply overruled my mind and my reason.

"Souka?" I look around once more.

Tsukihime Souka is not in my room, but I hear footsteps approaching my door, which opens a few moments later. Kohaku steps inside.

"Ah. You are awake, Akiha-sama. You seem to have rested quite soundly." She says this with a bow and a slight smile.

"...Kohaku, where is Souka?" The question comes out of my mouth almost immediately.

"Ah, Souka-san left yesterday, Akiha-sama," Kohaku says. "She asked me to apologize for her, since she could not stay to greet you when you woke up."

"...Left... yesterday...?" I blink, confused. I... I could not have possibly slept the whole day away...

"Yes. It is Saturday, Akiha-sama," Kohaku confirms with a nod. "It seems your body caught up for the lack of sleep it has received lately."

…...No it is not...

"It... It is Friday, Kohaku... is it not...?" Well, that is a silly question, Kohaku always comes on Fridays...

"Akiha-sama slept through a good deal of Friday. I must say, though, she looked like she was having the deepest, most restful sleep she has had in years." Kohaku smiles slightly.

…...Wait a minute... I remember seeing her...

"…...Kohaku... what did you do yesterday?ǃ" I feel my fists clench my blankets as anger overtakes me. "You clearly did something to my drink, or you would not have stuck around!"

"I did nothing, Akiha-sama. I just set the stage for a little romance." She giggles slightly.

"This was not romance! This was rape, Kohaku! Souka... raped me!" ...Somehow...

"Oh? Were you thinking that as it progressed, Akiha-sama?" The cheshire cat simply smiles.

"...Ah..." …...…well... no... after awhile, I was not able to think of much but how intense it felt, and how hot my body was...

"There's no need to be shy about it, Akiha-sama." Kohaku giggles slightly as she sets down some tea. "I'll confess to spiking your tea... but whatever Souka-san did, she did that of her own free will. I just had a bit of a... hunch, shall we say?" She says this calmly, as if such a thing is a regular, everyday occurrence.

I glare at her, silently. I am... not too sure what to think of this, honestly. Well, if she drugged me, then it is no surprise as to why I had no strength, but...

…...If she did that, does that mean Kohaku wants me to find someone to love?

Why would she want that? She cleans and cooks, and looks for my well-being, yes, but things such as personal relationships are, generally speaking, outside of Kohaku's domain.

…...So why would she care about me having someone?

If she wanted me to have someone, would she not prefer that I have a male, instead of a female?

"...Koha–"

…...She already snuck away as I was collecting my thoughts.

I sigh and lay back in my bed, thinking over what happened.

…...It still seems so absurd to think that... that Souka could do that. To me. To me, of all people...

Why would she want to do that with me? Why would she not prefer someone else? What is so special about me that she would wish to do those sorts of things to me...?

We really have nothing in common at all. Our personalities may as well be polar opposites. I would prefer to lead; Souka would prefer to blend in with the crowd. While I am confrontational, Souka is the type to whom the statement "Live and let live" would apply quite well.

...And yet.

"…...Was it not someone famous who once said 'opposites attract?'" Tohno Akiha speaks in soliloquy.

I... I remember saying that yesterday. Right before Souka had made her move.

Of course. That could be a reason Souka likes me. Because we are so different from the other. Maybe in me, she sees more assertiveness and authority, and in her, I see more relaxation and mellowness...?

But, there is one place where Souka and I are very alike, and that is in terms of body, really. I figure if she were into females, that she would have picked somebody more shapely.

…...Someone like Hanei.

Attractive, always smiling, well-proportioned, ever-approachable Hanei, the sort of girl who will chip in with her whole heart to help you. Not the plain, expressionless, flat-chested, standoffish Tohno Akiha, whom is so perpetually busy with a myriad of different things that it is almost pointless to ask her to help out.

And yet...

"…...Why me...?"

I do not understand. I do not understand a thing, really. Trying to analyze her actions... it just does not make sense to me.

I see no reason that Tsukihime Souka would have to have ever done that. And yet...

…...She did. To me. With me. Literally holding parts of me in her hand, her lips on my skin, and her fingers... inside...

...Thinking about it causes a heat to rise to my cheeks.

If what Kohaku says is true, then Souka did that of her own free will, and Kohaku simply made it easier for her to do. It is fully possible Souka does not even know my tea was drugged, and as she claimed, she simply "made things easier." I am not sure if I believe her or not... but what has happened, has happened.

The good feeling in my crotch is verification of that.

…...I sigh in displeasure. This would be so much easier, if she were still here. I would have the answers I seek.

But... if it is Saturday... and I see no reason for Kohaku to lie about such a thing... then I will not see Souka until Monday. Saturdays she is often at her family's temple and preoccupied with tasks there, and Sunday is usually when she goes to her concerts and she is almost always gone for nearly the entire day.

I throw the covers off of my body, and look. I have been re-dressed. Likely by Kohaku in my sleep. It is as if I had simply laid down to nap for an hour or two, and thus never bothered to change out of my usual clothing.

…...But, if that was the case, I must have been in a very, very deep sleep, for me to not even notice I was being re-dressed. A sleep so deep I did not even stir.

...Did... Kohaku look down there while I was asleep?

…...Why am I thinking about that?ǃ Stop it, Akiha! That is not you! This... this was just a random occurrence. A freak random occurrence. Just because you did such a thing once does not mean you like it. You were drugged, and it was rape! Well... possibly rape! …...Maybe…...

…...But then why did I think about Kohaku taking advantage of my profound unconsciousness? Examining calmly, with a slight smile...?

...More importantly, why did my body heat up slightly at the thought?

I, It is not as if Kohaku has not seen there before... there have been times where we have bathed together, and there have been times where I was so ill that I could not leave bed, not even to use the bathroom, and so she would calmly clean and change me, even as my cheeks burned with heat.

...It is because of the fact that now I am associating it with these carnal acts, is it not...?

…...…Could I actually... like that? Even though it is wrong? Even though it is filthy, and disgusting, and absolutely humiliating to allow someone else to see between my legs... is it something that I should like and encourage in the hopes of having an experience like yesterday's once more...?

"…...Why should I like that?" I once more ask nobody in particular.

…...A relationship is supposed to be between a male and a female. That is why there are the opposite sexes, because humanity has developed not as asexual, or hermaphroditic. Rather, it takes two genders – male and female – to create a life. Through millions of years of evolution, this simple fact has remained.

...And yet.

The relationship I just had with Tsukihime Souka was not such a relationship. It was a female with another female. From a biological and evolutionary standpoint, such a relationship is completely pointless. A female cannot ever impregnate another female, just as a male can never give birth.

…...Yet my body was hearing none of that yesterday.

All it knew was it was being touched, and sucked, and rubbed, and... inserted into, and it craved more. More. More. It did not care Souka was a girl, it just wanted her to keep doing all of these things and to never stop until... that thing happened. "Coming," as Souka seemed to call it.

Is... that what a climax must feel like?

According to Otou-sama, the man must climax to impregnate the female, but if the female does such a thing, it serves no purpose, and there is no logistical reason for a female to be able to have such a thing.

…...But it was one of the most intense things I have ever felt in my life. More than killing "him." More than nearly killing Nii-san. My heart was racing rapidly in my chest both of those times, but when Souka was doing those sorts of things... I have never felt more alive in my life than I did then.

Surely, I am not the only woman in history who has ever found herself at this sort of phase. A phase of confusion. A crisis of self-identity.

Torn between wondering not just whether it was right or wrong to do that, but... torn between if I actually want and desire that now.

I will admit... it... felt weird at first, but... after a few minutes, I no longer cared that Souka was even doing it. My body felt so strange, and altered, and I thirsted for it more and more with every touch, every rub, every taste of my skin that she did.

My body did not know it was a girl, so it desired penetration. A desire spurred on by Souka's fingers. It wanted more than that. Something longer, and thicker, and...

…...It is embarrassing to admit that Souka brought me to such a state. At the same time... I suppose it would be pointless to hide it, as well.

To feel that hot. To not be able to think clearly, your mind only being able to focus on the searing, intense sensation that a person sucking, or rubbing, or licking just small pieces of one's skin can provide.

It was blinding. It was paralyzing. By the time my mind was able to begin comprehending the situation I was in, another sharp blast would shoot through my body, and before long, it was as if breathing was the only reliable thing my brain could control... and even then, they had extreme difficulty in keeping air in my lungs. It would enter in sharp, hot gasps, and exit through moans and sighs and the occasional grunt.

All of that from someone rubbing and licking a clitoris.

…...I have never experienced anything like those moments in my life before.

A virgin. Because I was raised with the idea that a relationship is between man and woman, and that, as head of the Tohno, I should strive to make myself as pure, and marry as high-class a person as possible...

That is what Otou-sama would have wanted. But Tohno Akiha is no longer a child. No. She can make her own decisions, judge her own rules, and police herself. That is why the only male I will ever have is Nii-san, but...

…...…Is it okay if it is not a male? Could I be just as happy... maybe even happier... with someone like Tsukihime Souka at my side…...?

I am... lost within myself. I... I still want Nii-san, if I could have him, but... could I have a female, too?

Could I wind up having a female if I cannot find a male to fill Nii-san's role in my life as someone to love me?

Just like any other person, I have needs. The need to love and be loved is an almost fundamental one to a human being. As humans are, by nature, social creatures, it is important to them that they not only love, but also feel loved. To not feel loved is to ensure a slow, lonely death. How a true demon like Kishima Kouma can live a simple life as he does, a hermit away from society, purely boggles my mind... but, well, if it works for him, it is certainly one less person I have to worry about cleaning up the mess of.

Nii-san, however, cannot meet my needs. He seems to love Kohaku, and I would not dare to get in the way of such a relationship, given that it can be... deleterious to my health, shall we say. Therefore...

...Well, if I try to do that, then who? The only real females in my life are Souka, Seo, Hanei, Hisui, Kohaku, and Yumizuka-san.

...It cannot be Kohaku. That would be... awkward. Besides that, she has been abused enough, and I am quite sure her mind has a very twisted idea of sexuality. It is why she seemed to be perfectly fine with drugging my tea so that Souka would have a much higher chance of success, even if Souka, herself, did not know my tea was drugged. Perhaps it was for the best, though...

Hisui would also be out. I do not really foresee her even having a social life even after she regains more of her emotional self. Without that, it will be very difficult to find a partner, as she will have to find ways to help establish herself; however, Kohaku can almost certainly help her comes to terms with that.

Yumizuka-san... is, well, thankful to me for all that I have done for her, I am sure. At the same time, I am not protecting her just to look at her in that way... and for that matter, I do not know what her actual feelings on a girl-with-girl relationship would be. It would be difficult, I am quite sure, for her to see me in that way... though I do admit that from what little of Yumizuka-san's body I have seen, I wish I had a figure like hers.

...Then, that leaves Souka, Seo, and Hanei.

Seo... is out of the question. Too hyper. Too young. Cute and charming, but she would drive me up the wall with her antics, and her common faux pas of choosing the wrong words. There is also the simple fact that the girl is also uncomfortably close to Nii-san... and, well, the last thing I want to have to be doing is buying birth control for my kouhai, as it will anger me even more if people begin to assume that I am the one who needs it.

...Hanei... I am unsure. I am glad she dreams of things like sexual encounters, but... Hanei is probably about as sexually experienced as I am. …...Well, before yesterday, anyway. She is simply too pure and too sweet to be anything but a virgin, and it would quite surprise me if I found out she had sex... and naturally, I would want to hope whomever she mentioned, I could dig up some information on. Hanei is simply too kind for me to stand by and watch as people tinker with her, taking advantage of her kind, sweet, gentle nature, to try to be carnal with her, to use her as a vessel for their own pleasure. Unacceptable. I will not allow it.

…...Souka... I really do not know what she wants. I do not know why she did it. I do not know how long she planned it. I do not know why she chose me to do it to, of all people. I do not know why it ultimately all boiled down for me. These are the questions I want the answers to the most right now, and they will be denied to me for another few days.

I sigh, frustrated. Once again, Tohno Akiha has to wait for her answers... and she is very impatient when she seeks them.

I dislike waiting. I am impatient when I want to know something, and I will seek the way to find the answers.

...But I know the answers right now lie with Tsukihime Souka, who would, naturally, be very difficult to find on the weekends. There is no way to get a hold of her, save an absolute emergency telephone number... and obviously, calling someone up to ask them "Why did you have sex with me?" is a rather silly thing to do.

Knowing her, she probably has some simple, quick, and obvious answer that I have completely overlooked. It is rare, but it is possible. I am usually quite thorough in my work, but that is not to say that a mistake or two cannot slip in. Tohno Akiha is, after all, human, and the simple, fundamental fact is that humans occasionally mess up on things such as calculating. Overlooking something like this, while unlikely, is certainly possible.

I get out of bed, and walk out to the patio. The chars are just as they were. Everything is in place. Completely cleaned, set up as always.

One would never know what happened here yesterday, if they looked. All is as it should be. The chairs are in position, the table is back to where it was... everything is intact as I generally leave it.

…...There is no hint that yesterday, on that very patch of floor, Tohno Akiha was introduced to the world of girl-with-girl love by Tsukihime Souka.

My mind flashes back. Souka, in between my legs. Touching. Kissing. Feeling. Tasting, as my hands clutched her head, and animal noises of satisfaction expelled themselves from my throat...

...And I... I could hardly stand it. My whole body felt like it was roasting. I could not breathe. I could not think. I could feel fluids pouring out of me, both from between my legs, and from my mouth, and I was beyond caring about how... inelegant and unladylike it must have looked. As it continued, I no longer even cared about being seen in such an embarrassing, humiliating, and shameful way – and if they were male, I know my body would have presented itself to them. To want the animal desire of being filled in the vagina, to want them to mark me, to make me theirs...

But before I knew it... It felt like it was all over so suddenly... like mere seconds had passed before my body could not take the sharp, piercing heat of the lightning bolt that seemed to fire directly into my brain from my groin, with every kiss and lick that Souka took.

And, when the time came for me to "come" as she called it…... I thought I was dying. It felt like death, I would guess. I would not know... Nii-san would, but... I would not dare to ask him of such a thing right now. If I did, he would likely ask why, and I do not want him thinking less of me just because I shared one moment of sexual contact with another girl. I want him to think that I am his, and I will gladly be his wife, his lover, and his eternal companion, in this life and the next.

...It was sharp and intense near the end. It blinded my senses. My body responded on its own, without me willing it. Hips surged. Cries of desire emitted. Hands pulled on hair. Toes curled inside my shoes...

…...Is that why it is such a powerful thing that people would break apart families? Simply for the sake of carnal, physical pleasure? The desire to want to feel that with something new is something that is new, and different, and thus the male feels a natural desire to want to have sex with her, too...?

...I do not think I will ever understand that. I... I would love those sorts of sensations, but not to the point I would lose someone over them. That is why I will not consider Hisui or Kohaku if I did wind up liking a female. It would complicate things, it would remind Kohaku of some very bad memories, and Hisui... does not even take to opposite-sex relationships very well, much less girl-with-girl. And, of course... it would be awkward.

...I am thankful, at least, that there are no neighbors or places around the mansion that could have witnessed what took place here yesterday.

...Well, there was one.

The only witnesses... were the clouds.

I look up. They still float in the sky. Large, white balls of cotton over my head, looking down at me as I look back up at them. As if I could reach out, and grab them, and use them to dab the sweat that has formed on my brow as I try to make this decision.

A blue sky. Blue, a color associated with sadness, but also with hope and optimism.

...It would be truly surprising if colors could not adequately express emotions and ideas.

...Perhaps, it is a signal. A message.

Perhaps the heavens themselves are saying to not be afraid of the future, but to face it. To embrace it, with arms wide open. To not be afraid of the things that it may be, and to simply take a chance on it. To hope for, and wish for, the very best. For if humans were unwilling to take risks, then our world would be a much more dull and colorless place.

Then... I think I shall. I still have questions, yes. Lots of them. Lots that shall not be answered for a day or two, at least. I still do not know if I am making the right choice or not. However, I have decided that I can definitely agree on at least one aspect of this all.

"…...I will keep an open mind on it, at least."

As if signifying its approval, the wind blows through my hair, in an embrace.

...I am not sure why she did it. I just know that... she did.
And... I know that even though it was Souka... I liked how that felt...
...Maybe there are choices other than Nii-san...

Next Week (1/16/11) – Chapter 33: "A Reflection of Clarity"