Chapter 33: "A Reflection of Clarity"

"Akiha-sama, lunch is served," a voice calls out as it comes from my room.

I turn towards my patio door. Kohaku smiles as she brings a tray of food towards the table out here.

"Thank you, Kohaku. Is Nii-san well?" I ask her.

"Shiki-san's recovering nicely, Akiha-sama," she informs me. "Yesterday he was up and walking around, and requested to see you."

...I sigh sadly. I was unconscious. A profound unconsciousness brought about by the events that happened. I... did not intend to fall asleep as I did, but when that happened, it must have been some sort of of strange, primal instinct that told me that I would be protected in my vulnerable state.

"...Did you bring him into my room, Kohaku?" I ask. If... If Nii-san saw me in that state, I would be so embarrassed that I think I would die...

"Yes. And he stayed for awhile because he said you looked the happiest he's seen you in awhile." she bluntly replies.

Gah, Kohaku! How could youǃ? Y, You know that Souka was–

...Wait...

…...Happy? From... that?

That makes little sense. Why would I be happy from such a carnal thing? Especially in my sleep...?

Happiness is something one feels consciously, not unconsciously. It requires that the person who is to feel happiness actually appreciate whatever it is that will be bringing them happiness.

...So how can I feel happiness from something even though I was not awake?

I do not understand. Then again... I do not fully understand much of what had happened yesterday. I only know how intense it felt during the experience... and how it seemed that my body so completely overruled my mind during that period.

...This is perhaps one of those things that one understands with experience, which I admittedly lack. Perhaps, then, the best thing to do is to simply wait it out... and ask Souka.

…...On Monday. Too long...

"...I see," I finally tell Kohaku. "He is resting, I assume?"

"Yes. He knew you would be displeased with him if he were moving too much, so he said he would mostly rest and recover from his injuries. Shall I wake him for you, Akiha-sama?"

...Well, Nii-san's recovery is certainly important. He cannot simply activate his other side to heal, for his other side is just as human as the side he usually displays. Nii-san's abilities are untold centuries of skill, passed down through genetics. They are not the product of human and demon blood mixing in unpredictable ways, such as my abilities are, or "his."

Therefore, the best Nii-san can heal is approximately as fast as a normal human can, towards the higher end of natural human recovery.

"…...No, that won't be necessary, Kohaku. Nii-san should rest. For now, please return to your duties."

"Very well, Akiha-sama." With a slight bow, she walks away from the Patio.

…...A thought suddenly crosses my head.

"…...Kohaku."

"...Eh? Yes, Akiha-sama?" She turns back to me.

"...Is Nii-san important to you?"

She blinks, a little bit surprised by my question. I do not blame her. I am a bit surprised by it myself, honestly. I am not sure what caused me to ask it. It came over me, like an impulse, and came out before I fully realized it.

"Of course he is, Akiha-sama," comes the reply with a smile and a slight nod of her head.

"…...Important enough that you would give your life for him if you could?" comes the second part of my question.

Kohaku's smile fades. It is a strange look on her face.

Surely what must be going through her head right now is her conflicted feelings that Nii-san was once a pawn in her game, and now she and him are lovers, and the inconsistencies that must bring about. That which she was going to use as a pawn in her own game, is now the one she loves more than anyone... supposedly.

But does she really?

To truly love someone, I think, you have to be willing to give your life for them. You have to be able to sacrifice yourself, so that they may live, if you think they will do a better job of surviving and making something of their lives than you could.

...That is why the boy dashed in front of Tohno Akiha, nine years ago. Because he thought the girl would be happier than he would be, if she were killed.

…...That is why Tohno Akiha would do anything for him. Anything at all. Even die for him. After all... she would have died years ago if it were not for him.

Would it not simply be a debt repaid?

"…...Yes, he is, Akiha-sama." Her answer is firm and clear, though, and the look on her face is one of complete honesty and seriousness.

A sort of seriousness that confirms that the woman before me is dedicated to him.

A sort of seriousness that indicates that her feelings for him are quite genuine, and not the loose feelings of a puppet, held up by strings.

"…...Very well. That is all I wanted to know, Kohaku." I inform her.

"...Then, if you will excuse me, Akiha-sama." She once more bows and departs, this time unhindered by my voice calling her back.

I lean back in my chair on the patio and sigh.

…...So she does love him.

Kohaku is a very good liar, but I can tell when she is lying, or when she is pretending to like something and in reality dislikes it.

The look on her face betrayed no sign that she had anything but genuine words or reactions just now.

"...The power of love." A soliloquy once more.

Love, perhaps the only emotion powerful enough that one is willing to die for those they cherish. Few other things can make even the most peaceful soul willing to not only fight, but kill. To protect their family, their few things that they actually have.

…...Is that why I do what I do? To try to maintain this family, as strange and unorthodox of a family as it is?

It is true that none of us in it are actually related by blood.

Indeed, if anything, this situation is highly unusual. The simple fact of the matter is that three people of those who hunt demons, live under the same roof as a half-demon.

But to me, and to them, our lineages don't seem to matter. We simply cherish each other for what we are. There is no talk of ancient grudges, of historical fights, of whether we could beat the other. The simple truth is that if I were actually serious, I could kill them all.

Kohaku would have no counters against my plundering. Neither would Hisui. Nii-san would be the most dangerous person, since not only can he see my caging hair, he can cut and kill it.

…...But killing Nii-san is the last thing I would want, or would ever think of doing.

I knew, ever since that day where I held his bleeding body, nine years ago as I cried, that I would die for him. First, I would save him, and then once he was better, I would die for him. I promised myself that.

And that is exactly what I did. Since I could not die in his stead, I killed half of myself, so that he could live.

It sounds strange, even to me. I wanted to reward the boy who would die for me with life. It makes no sense. It may have been the knee-jerk reaction of an eight year-old girl. But it was the reaction she had, feeling the sticky warmth covering her hands. Hands that wanted to close the wound on his chest, that futilely tried to stop the bleeding by pressing on the profusely bleeding opening.

They could not. So, Tohno Akiha died a little so that the boy who would become Tohno Shiki could live.

It remained true even through our years of separation. Because I knew that if I died, then all of my life energy would go to Nii-san. Tohno Akiha would be a memory, but Tohno Shiki would live on, and Tohno Akiha would live on inside of him, keeping him alive. Even in death, I would protect his life with mine, as strange as that sounds...

...I feel the tears welling into my eyes. I try my best to blink them away.

Love. Love is the only thing that could make one to do that willingly, with no remorse, no regrets.

Kohaku would die for Nii-san. She truly loves him then, just as I would, because I would sacrifice myself in an instant, even now. I would much rather take the fatal blow than see him die, because if he died before my eyes, then I...

…...I would become the very thing I hate. A monster. One whose mind would be set on one goal, and one goal alone – to destroy that which destroyed her, and made her into a monster. To kill those who killed Nii-san, and to eliminate any of their line.

…...I would not want to be a psychologist attempting to do a mental profile of myself. The truth of myself that I already know... that is frightening enough.

Who is Tohno Akiha? That is simple, now. So lucidly crystalline. It is so obvious, I wonder how I did not figure it out sooner.

Reason as my minor ego, and my opposite desire to be a murderer.

A coagulated, gloomy, melancholy thinking in the intelligence as my major ego.

An antinomian theorem of behaviorism, in all my thinkings.

That... is Tohno Akiha.

Two halves making one whole. One side struggling with another for dominance, but neither ever fully succeeding... because a little of the other piece is in the major halves, just like a tomoe.*

...Come to think of it, Nii-san's knife also has a tomoe.

Then... that is a fitting symbol for not just me, but for the Tohno in general. For like myself, Nii-san has his darker half. And, like myself, Nii-san can control his darker side. The difference was, that I could not until a year ago.

…...A year ago. When it all changed. When all our lives changed for the better.

When demon fought demon, and a third demon directed their macabre, two-man play. And the hero was not even a person, but a thing. A mere strip of cloth that saved the lives of all three. A truer application of a deus ex machina ending, I have never seen.

What had happened after that, when sanity returned to us all... I will never forget that.

As we walked home, I rested Nii-san's injured body on mine, supporting him the whole way home by wrapping his arm around my neck and allowing him to lean on me for support, even though I was myself injured. Having come back to my senses, I did not care about my cuts on my legs and hands, or the blood, both his and mine, that soiled my blouse and dress and undergarments, or the pains, or the tears in my clothing, or the fact that I was going to hurt the next day and several days thereafter, or anything else that was injured on my body. I did not even feel them, to my recollection.

All I cared about was getting Nii-san home, safely.

Kohaku silently followed, like a child who knew she was in trouble, caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She did not say a word the whole way home, and when we all returned, she simply and wordlessly retired to bed.

Normally, I would have berated her. After all, what good is it to chastise a servant when they break a cup, but not when they attempt to kill you?

...But, berating her was the furthest thing from my mind.

All I cared about was getting Nii-san back to his bed. I laid him down in his bed, and endured the pain that throbbed everywhere in my body, until I could tell that he was asleep. When he finally was, I walked to my room and collapsed on my bed, face first, not caring that I was still in my normal clothes and boots, or that the blood would stain into my sheets and pillowcases.

Kohaku... for her, however she was feeling... somehow, I felt that was punishment enough. That was my last thought before my brain shut off. I think I was unconscious before my body fully settled.

Nii-san and I spent the whole next day sleeping. Not caring about what had happened, not thinking about how we would talk to each other, no dreams, for better or for worse... our minds and bodies needed absolute rest; they did not have any energy to spare to create a dream. I remember awakening, well into the next day, in the exact same position, my body having not moved an inch in the fifteen hours I slept.

And sure enough, the next time we saw each other, later in the day, it was just as always. He was late for dinner, and I made my displeasure known, and he looked uncomfortable enough for me to know he understood that.

And life went on.

It is rather stunning how quickly life returned to almost... normalcy. Once we healed, it would be almost absurd to think we had ever nearly fought to the death.

That is not to say, of course, that some things did not change because of this event, of course. The biggest difference was not in Nii-san or myself, but in Kohaku.

The next day, Kohaku did something she had rarely done to that point – she asked me a question. I was understandably surprised, but I answered the question, something about if I believed in redemption. I replied in the affirmative.

Over the next few days, she began to get more and more inquisitive. She asked things. She thought. Her emotion was no longer just a chiseled smile.

...She cried out in pain when she cut her finger preparing dinner a week later. It was then, as I sucked and licked it clean until it stopped bleeding, and she replied "You don't have to do that, Akiha-sama," instead of simply passively allowing me to suck on her finger, that I knew Kohaku was fully okay.

As Kohaku began to change for the better, so did Hisui. No longer as silent, or as submissive. While her changes have been more gradual compared to Kohaku's, there is no doubt that seeing Kohaku change has allowed Hisui to begin to change, herself. She asserted herself sometimes. She reacted with enthusiasm on the things I remember her enjoying. Once, in a slip of the tongue, she accidentally called Nii-san "Shiki-chan" just like she used to when we were all children, causing her to turn as red as a cherry, and giving both Kohaku and Nii-san a good laugh. Admittedly, I had to stifle my own laughter, lest I lose a servant from her dropping dead due to embarrassment.

Nii-san also changed, slightly. He realized that I was still very important to him. Perhaps not a lover, but the very next rung below that. Even with Nanaya Shiki fully in control of his mind... his hands could not will the knife down, because I was simply too important to this person, and there was enough of a human to overrule the killer. Had it been anyone else – even Hisui or Kohaku – I think it would have been very likely for Nii-san to bring down that knife, and end their lives.

But because it was me... he could not. He valued the girl too much to end her life. He valued her more than he valued the urge to kill. As a murderer, Tohno Shiki is a failure, pure and simple.

…...And me. Even in my state of mind, where I lusted to kill him as the ultimate challenge and punishment for him getting out of bed... I could not truly kill him either. Enough of the human side of Tohno Akiha remained to make the demon miss ever so slightly. That is why it attempted to take its – my – our, lives.

And that grand climax never came to be because at the last possible moment, the director of that twisted play called it off. It is why Tohno Shiki is still who he is, and not a murderer, stalking the night. It is probably why Hisui and Kohaku are still alive, as well.

It is why Tohno Akiha exists today.

...That is why she is trying her best to become a better person.

…...That is why she is... okay with Kohaku, and even Yumizuka-san, sharing love with Nii-san.

Because there are people in my life who love me like that and I have been too blind to realize it.

If Yumizuka-san is the one who was hopelessly wishing for Nii-san to love her... then, how long has Souka thought of me in that way?

We have been friends for a few years. Not the four or so that Yumizuka-san and Nii-san have known each other for, but definitely for around two, or two and a half years, I would say.

...Yes. That sounds about right. Seo did not come to our academy until the next year. She was still in the elementary school compound, at the time we met, around 1998.

Back then, I thought that Tsukihime Souka was, besides having an unusual last name, a definite slacker and an outcast. She seemed to have a bit of an attitude, and we shared a class. I sat in the third row, fourth seat, and likewise, she sat in the fourth row, fourth seat.

Even at that time, her conversation was just so... vulgar. Not in the perverted sense, but in the sense that she spoke her mind, and her mind was sometimes not the "right" response, as it were. Souka's blunt honesty has always been a part of her character, and I seriously doubt it is something that will be changing anytime soon.

It might as well have been a dragon fighting a tiger. I was polite, but she was just so... different that really there was nothing worth noting her for, much less liking her for. She proved she did not slack fairly quickly, but she was still the sort of person who looked like they would be more comfortable among the boys in the class, gossiping about which girl they would like to try to send love notes to, or undress with their eyes.

Thus, much to my surprise one day, she actually came up to me as I was eating my lunch, and she had the guts to ask if she could sit with me and have lunch at my table, with someone whom she did not have a particularly good or bad relationship with, for better or for worse.

I admired her courage. For that reason alone, I allowed her to sit at my table.

And so, what started purely as a one-day event, eventually progressed to the point that every day we ate lunch. I learned a little about her, and she learned some things about me.

More importantly, I slowly learned that her unusual manner of dress and unladylike manner were really her form of passive rebellion.

Born to a family who owned a shrine, she was expected to tend to it, and tend to their strict code of moral conduct – a code so strict that it still bothers her to recall it, even now, when we are close friends, and one that is supposedly even worse than my upbringing. I seriously doubt this, given that Souka has no idea of what exactly the Tohno are, but... there was more to it than that.

A part of me... found itself wishing I could be more like her. So self-confident, so assured of herself, so positive of her identity that she could wear such casual clothing and speak in such an "undignified" way perfectly, whereas I would not be able to.

Because until then... I never really knew who Tohno Akiha was.

Then, the next year... we found that we were both going to be sharing a dorm, and were both intrigued enough by the other that although we could have put in requests to change the arrangement, neither of us wished to. Not long thereafter, Misawa Hanei, the school idol, was slated in as our third roommate. The year after that, Seo Akira had finally joined and our little group was complete.

…...I cannot help but smile even though I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. It is bittersweet.

These girls accepted me as I was. They were probably the first people I found myself loving, even before I knew what love really was. A simple, pure, honest love that anyone has for their friends.

Why? That is simple.

As I said before, Nii-san would be the last person I would want to invert next to... but Souka, Seo, and Hanei are second. Because I would be afraid of killing them. Souka and Hanei have no special abilities that I know of. Seo has limited precognition, as I have learned since she began to be a part of our little group, but other than that, she is just as human as they are.

It was not a sexual love, but I still loved them. Sometimes I hated them, too, but that is also a part of love, is it not? To love something, you also have to hate it sometimes, right?

…...But in the end, Souka remained Souka through and through. Just as she had the guts to come to my table all those years ago... yesterday she had the guts to be sexual with me.

I really should have seen it coming. It is exactly the sort of thing she would do. Only Souka would ever pull such a thing.

…...For that matter, only Souka would really be able to get away with it.

I would have probably freaked out if Hanei suddenly jumped on me like that. If anything, Hanei is TOO naïve about her sexual capacity. And Seo... is still too young. Plus she probably knows I would thrash her good, for trying to turn our relationship into some ero-manga.

Still... that is what let Tohno Akiha grow, I think. She went from being alone in the world... to having friends... to having a lover, possibly. That is why I could not really see myself for who I was until now, in the end. I had ideas, but...

...Now, I know that love has things to do with it. To love someone, is to want to die for them if it comes down to it.

…...And, perhaps that is how Tsukihime Souka feels about Tohno Akiha.

But I will have to wait until Monday to find that out. Souka's schedule keeps her perpetually busy almost every Saturday, and it would be extremely rude to interrupt the one day she reserves to herself to let off all of her stress.

Still... Monday... It seems so far away...

With a sigh of harmony with both of Tohno Akiha's egos, I wipe my cheeks and eyes, and begin to eat my lunch. It would be a shame to let Kohaku's love for me go to waste by not eating these delicious sandwiches.

* Tomoe - A traditional form of Japanese symbol somewhat like a Taijitu (AKA a Yin-Yang symbol) but with possibly multiple whorls.

This is strange. I feel myself thinking thoughts I never cared to think of before.
Loving someone... I'm not supposed to love someone. Otou-sama made that clear.
But... I am not Otou-sama... I am Tohno Akiha. I... will decide that for myself.

Next Week (1/23/11) – Chapter 34: "Another New Me"