Chapter 9
Thanks for all the reviews! Glad you like seeing Johanna. I was nervous about writing her.

At first, Johanna didn't respond to Castle's answer, making his heart sink. Who knew Kate's inhibitions better than the ghost of the woman whose death caused them? They sat in silence while he listened to the sound of his own breathing.

Eventually she did respond. "Richard, I know Katie holds back from you too much and that it's been a struggle. But you have your own faults where she is concerned, primarily in underestimating her feelings for you."

Castle started to deny her statement but he stopped. There was some truth to it. But what was he supposed to think? "Sometimes she makes it so hard."

"I know, dear." She sounded like she really did. "But do you really think she doesn't want to marry you?"

He shrugged but realized she couldn't see him. "When we are together, I can see how much she loves me. She's got this … well these looks, this sparkle in her eyes. God, I love that. Anyway, I remember the first time I saw it. She was seeing this guy, another cop, and she hadn't told me about the relationship. I caught them kissing and she was gazing at him like that. I hadn't seen that before, the look I mean, and it was like a truck hit me, realizing how much I wanted her to look at me the same way. It actually physically hurt once I realized that.

"Over the years I'd see hints of that look directed at me, but because of whatever the circumstances I wasn't completely sure she meant them."

"But now you know she does."

He smiled. "Actually, the looks she gives me make the ones she gave Demming look like she was cross-eyed. I remember the first time she looked at me so strongly, after the bank robbery, and she just looked so relieved to see I was okay. That was before we were together."

Johanna whispered. "You could see it then."

"Yeah, and they just get brighter and brighter. That's why I could wait on hearing her say 'I love you', because those looks said it all." Now his smile fell.

"But?"

"Not a but, just that having the looks on top of the words, God, I don't think heaven could be better than that." Castle's eyes scanned the darkness. "Of course, I don't think hell could be worse than this."

"So tell me again why you would doubt she wants to marry you?"

Castle sighed. "I just—when we are together, I have very little doubt. But she's hardly with me nowadays."

"Because of her new job?" Joanna asked.

He cringed. He felt guilty complaining. "Kate has described this job as a dream job so I know how important it is to her, but every week it seems like I am seeing less of her and less of her. And the pride in me wonders how she can call it a dream job if…"

She finished. "If she sees so little of you because of it?"

He hadn't dared voice it out loud and hearing it said made Castle all the guiltier. "So now you know how selfish I am."

"Oh, Richard," she chuckled, "I don't think you're selfish, at least not where my daughter is concerned. But are you sure she would still classify it as her dream job?"

"Why wouldn't she?"

"Because of the reason you said: she sees so little of you." She said it so matter-of-factly.

He didn't think so. "I don't know. She hasn't slowed down at all. If anything she's sped up."

"You think she's happy about that?"

"Of course not!" He was getting annoyed. And he didn't like he was going to be spending his last hours alive arguing with the ghost of Kate's mother. "Look, I know this is hard on her like it is on me, but she's making a difference out there. She's doing a job which helps save lives. What am I doing? Nothing."

Even though Johanna didn't say anything to that, Castle knew what she was thinking. She started to open her mouth but as if he could see through the darkness, he cut her off. "I know what you're about to say. Maybe that's why I'm so miserable. Maybe that's why I'm so sad. My life revolved around her for years, and with Alexis gone, too, I'm lost.

"You know how stupid I feel? I'm in my forties and I feel like I don't know what I want to do with my life. How pathetic is that?"

"Richard, you're a writer. You help people with your stories—"

"My stories have done nothing to help people! They're just mysteries, and writers like me are a dime a dozen—"

"Your stories helped Kate!" Johanna yelled, her voice echoing off the walls. "They got her through my death."

He was frozen at her words. "Wh— what are you talking about?"

She sounded frustrated now, though if it were directed at Castle's self-depreciating remarks or the fact he didn't know this fact, it wasn't clear. "She was able to get through my murder by reading your stories. That's why she was such a huge fan."

He sat in shock at what she had told him. This couldn't be true. No doubt he was going crazy now that the end had come, and this hallucination was lying to him. "No, you're lying."

"Why would I be lying?"

"Because this—you aren't real. Roy, Royce, and you are all just in my head!"

Now she laughed. He didn't get what was so funny. "Why are you laughing?"

"Of course we are in your head, Richard, but that doesn't make it not real."

That sounded so familiar, but he couldn't place it. Her laughing was pissing him off though, so he turned his back on her. Trying to concentrate and block her out he stared straight ahead, not sure what direction he was looking in.

After several minutes she asked, "Feel better?"

"No!"

"You will."

Now he rolled his eyes. When his eyes looked up, he was struck by the ceiling above him. Apparently it flanked up and he was looking at how some of the minerals in the walls twinkled. Leaning over, he couldn't help but think how pretty they were. Wait, how-

"Hold on, what is that? Why can I see light?" He tried to turn on his flashlight but it wouldn't come on. He shook it desperately, but nothing happened to it. However, the ceiling was becoming clearer. How?

He reached out to hold onto a part of the wall as he stood up to get closer. That's when he realized he could see the outline of the wall before him. It wasn't a wall at all, not a full height one. It went up about five feet and then flattened out. Reaching out to it he could almost see shadows before him. When his hand felt what he thought his mind imagined, he jerked it back.

"I really am crazy!" He turned around to look at Johanna but she wasn't there. He could sort of see where she had been sitting, but she was nowhere around. "Johanna?"

She didn't answer. Castle went back to the half wall. He could swear he could see even more detail than before. It was like light was slowly coming in but how was that possible?

With nothing left to do he waited, watching what happened before him, and little by little he could see more and more. What he was standing in front of actually appeared to be the bottom of a shaft. And with the rays of light Castle knew he was feeling heat.

"Oh my God, it's the sun!" Instantly he went forward. He could see his hands, even the scrapes and cuts on them. His reaction wasn't something he could have ever written. He started to laugh.

Without a moment's hesitation, he started working his way up. This tunnel was different than the ones he worked through before, less rocky, but dirty and softer. He could see plant roots sticking out and attempted to use them to help him up. They didn't hold his weight and would snap and he would fall back. Not undaunted, he just kept climbing. The incline wasn't that steep, and the earlier cave journey had given him so much practice he worked his way up faster than he thought possible. Of course, it could simply be because he now saw a way out and it gave him more energy than a river of water.

Closer he got and he could see sky! The blueness never looked so beautiful. As he got to the mouth, he heard a noise, something he hadn't heard in a long time. Cars! He must be near a highway. When he made it to the mouth, he was so excited he couldn't stop and he went tumbling out, only realizing too late that he came out on the side of the hill.

He rolled down the hill, but the grass was soft and not having to hold onto a flashlight anymore he was able to get in control quickly. Sitting up, he was beside a highway! He had no idea where he was, but the cars were driving by him. Surely he could flag someone down.

Taking it slowly - he didn't want to wind up emerging from the underground only to fall into the path of an oncoming truck - he made it to the side of the road. Waving his hands, he jumped up and down, screaming for help. Castle knew he must look like a lunatic but he didn't care.

People honked, which frustrated him, but he kept jumping and screaming. Eventually someone would either stop or even better, call the police. He just needed one person.

I admit it. I borrowed (paraphrased) a line from Harry Potter. If you want to guess which one in your review, I can give you another spoiler to the next chapter.