Chapter 34: "Another New Me"
That afternoon, I knock on Nii-san's door. I desire to check on him, since I have not seen him – if Kohaku is correct – since Thursday, even though he has seen me.
"Yeah...?" His voice comes out. It sounds notably stronger than when I had last heard it.
"It is me, Nii-san," I reply.
"Akiha...? Uh, come in." He sounds a little surprised to see me.
I enter his room, and when I do, I look him over. He is sitting up in bed, reading a book. He has healed considerably since I last saw him. Not fully, but he looks to be in considerably less pain, and his smaller cuts have generally closed up. He is on less medication, with only a single, slow drip to ease his pain.
"Haven't seen you in a few days." He laughs a bit.
I blush slightly in embarrassment at his comment. "I... did not intend to sleep that long. I apologize, Nii-san."
"Nah, don't worry about it, Akiha." He smiles slightly as he readjusts his glasses. "What'd you do to make you so pooped, though? Usually you're pretty good on energy unless you've had a long day."
...So Kohaku was coy with exactly what happened. Clever. Well, I suppose I should have suspected that as soon as he did not immediately confront me with what had happened.
"Ah... well, it is just mental exhaustion," I lie. "And physical as well. I have not been getting the amount of sleep I am supposed to get."
"...The nightmares, huh." His face drops a little.
…...That is precisely the sort of look I was hoping would not show.
I... cannot tell him the real reason. Absolutely not. More than to anyone else, my self-image to Nii-san must be maintained, at all costs. So I will have to swallow this frown of his... even if it hurts me to do so.
"Well, Kohaku looked both a little relieved and a little worried when I had her bring me to you to check on you," he informs me. "She seemed a little... off."
"…...Oh? Please explain, Nii-san." I cross my arms across my chest as I await his answer.
"Well... she was a little hard to read, but she seemed both happy and nervous. I dunno why, really... maybe because she knows you hate sleeping for long periods of time or something," he says with a slight shrug of his shoulders.
...Well, that is true. I usually do not sleep for such extensive periods; certainly not most of the day. I am used to six hours a night, but I will sleep for eight on the rare occasion I have the luxury. But, between my nightmares, and what had happened yesterday... much of Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were merely a blur for me.
Seemingly, in a fingersnap, half of my week simply went by. And when I came to from that fingersnap... a new Tohno Akiha awaited. With new thoughts. New questions.
...Such as, did Kohaku love Nii-san and would die for him.
…...Does the opposite also apply?
"...Nii-san. You love Kohaku, yes?" I ask him.
"...? What's with that question all of a sudden, Akiha?" His eyes, gray under his glasses, square on me in an attempt to read my expression. I will not allow it.
I close my eyes and turn my face from him slightly to prevent him from being able to read my expression. "...I wish to know. Do you love her?" I ask him simply.
"…...Yeah, I do," comes his reply. He still does not know exactly why I am asking him this.
"...Enough to die for her?" I ask.
"Heh, well, me and death don't get along. You could say I have an aversion to it..." He tries to avoid the question.
"That does not answer my question, Nii-san!" I cross my arms.
"Okay, okay... yeah, I would." He looks a little nervous as he says it.
...Maybe it is because he knows I love him. All of him.
...Unconditionally. Even though I will not admit it.
"...Very well. That is all I wanted to know." I feel anger welling up from inside me. I love him, and he knows it, and yet he will love her anyway...
Then, it is settled. It seems they are content to be with one another, and I have lost. I stand up and begin to leave the room.
"H-Hey... Akiha..." he tries to stop me on his voice alone, since he cannot leave the bed.
"No, I am fine, Nii-san!" I leave the room, angered.
Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent.
A knock on my door. I ignore it. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent.
More knocking. Ignored. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Aki–
The knocking progresses to banging.
"WHAT?ǃ?" I whirl around towards the door.
"...Akiha-sama? Is everything okay?" Kohaku.
"Everything is fine, Kohaku. Go back to your duties." Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent.
She leaves. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohn–
…...Where is the next request?
I look around. All that is left... is what is finished.
I... finished it all?
…...It seems I have. A foot-high stack of papers is in the finished pile, and as I look at them, I only now feel the cramp in my hand. I put my pen down with a hiss of pain, and press the thumb of my opposite hand in on the palm, slowly bending and flexing my fingers until the cramp works itself out.
...I guess being angry at Nii-san made me work out my anger by getting actual work done.
Then again, it also does not help that I actually sign the papers.
Traditionally, of course, Japanese families tend to use seals to sign documents. However, my family was certainly anything but the usual. Being a half-human, half-demon almost always means that you do things a little more... unorthodox. As our life is, so is the way we do things.
In Otou-sama's case, he raised me with western ideas and ways of thought. He valued independence and economics, as opposed to the more Japanese mindset of family and tradition. Part of this is the fact that, naturally, males of the main Tohno line never live past forty, and there are not even that many who live to thirty.
This also meant that he favored western ways of doing business. Instead of stamps and seals, he always signed his name, meticulously, with flourishes that made his signature difficult to reproduce or forge.
Thus, it is what I have learned to do as well. Security through obscurity, as it were. It is much harder to flawlessly forge a signature than it is to forge a stamp, after all, and given the Tohno's notable assets and things we control, this is but one way we have of helping ensure some levels of security right from the very start.
My mind now turns to other thoughts, with no more papers to sign.
I yelled at Nii-san. I did not quite mean to, but it is just that hearing that he loved her... it hurt...
...Why... did I really react that way to his words? Honestly?
I know that they fell for one another. They began to do so the night he and I nearly fought to the death. I have acknowledged and accepted their love for one another some time ago, so why...
...Why does it still hurt this badly for me to acknowledge it?
Why did it hurt more for him to say it, but not Kohaku?
Why am I getting jealous over such a thing?ǃ
Akiha, you idiot. You're still letting this silly thing get to you!
All this because you... you are too afraid to find someone else and so you keep futilely wishing for him to change his mind‼!
"…...…..."
…...…That... that's exactly it.
It has nothing to do with Nii-san, or Kohaku. It is because... Tohno Akiha is a coward.
She cannot be true to herself. She keeps wishing and hoping only for her desired outcome, and anything that would go contrary to that desired outcome is deleterious. So she refuses to consider it, or to accept even the utmost of realities, as they jeopardize her ideal world.
So... I keep wishing. And hoping. And desiring him, and only him... even though I cannot have him. Even though I will never have him... I try, and I try, and I try...
The very definition of insanity... trying something endlessly and expecting a different outcome.
Even though I know this, I try anyway. Like some sort of... machine. Like something that can do nothing but what it is programmed, hardwired, to do.
...It sounds like a certain other blue-haired woman that I know.
Even when faced with the inevitable futility of such a choice, I will not allow it to happen. I will reject that reality, and substitute my own.
...But I cannot do that forever.
The simple fact is that I cannot control anyone's hopes and dreams but my own. I cannot control Souka's, or Hanei's, or Seo's, or Hisui's, or Kohaku's, or Nii-san's. All I can do is act how I act, and say what I wish to say, and that is the best I can do. Further steps must be taken by themselves.
However... there is one thing that, in theory, I could always control.
…...My dreams.
...If I can control what I dream... then... I can have Nii-san as much as I want, whenever I want, and nobody will stop me.
"Anyone can learn to control their dreams, though, Akiha. It just takes practice. Practice, and a little determination."
That is what Len told me, when she saved me from my nightmares. From the pain and agony of being a bloodthirsty monster... or... even worse, a monster that is still able to resemble a human, while she secretly rules by force and tortures and bathes in blood and–
"...‼!"
I feel my gag reflexes kick in. My neck swells, and I clench my jaw shut as hard as I can. I clutch my stomach with one hand and resist the urge to vomit. I swallow hard, and painfully, looking at the Tohno Akiha in the mirror. The Tohno Akiha whose hair is a very vibrant shade of red.
Not just the tips... all of it.
Every strand.
My blood is excited once more, and I feel the urge growing to go and show Nii-san how fatal his words are.
I pant laboriously and focus on calming myself. Between being angered and my own memories, I have whipped my emotions into a frenzy.
…...Breathe.
...The swaying grass.
…...Breathe.
...The sun-kissed golden glow.
…...Breathe.
...A partly cloudy sky.
…...Breathe.
...A promised dawn.
…...Breathe.
...A tomorrow that will surely come.
I open my eyes, and see that my hair has returned to normal. My breathing is still slightly quickened, but it is nearly back to normal as well.
I sit back down in my chair with a sigh, and I take my shoes and stockings off, examining my feet and my legs once I do. I... usually do not walk around without them in my usual dress, but right now, it just seems like the right thing to do.
I tend to hide my feet. I do not particularly like them. I do not feel they are elegant or ladylike. Rather, I find them a bit short and stubby. The arch is not high enough. The toenails are too squared.
Without really thinking about it, I massage them, closing my eyes slightly at the comfort that fills my body as I flex and bend them, squeezing them, even cracking the toes, listening to the melodious popping noises that are produced. It... It is unladylike, but right now? I honestly do not care about being a lady.
Instead... I desire an existence like Souka's. One where I am so sure of myself, so self-confident, that I could not care less of what other people think of me, or my attitude, or any aspect of me whatsoever.
I envy her for that. I envy the fact that she can be so free with herself, while I cannot. Like it or not, there are some things that will never change with me, and this is one of those things.
…...But that does not mean I cannot at least think about or imagine it. After all, a healthy imagination is an important thing in just about anyone. Fantasies are what truly drive the world, because today's invention is tomorrow's household necessity.
I close my eyes fully, and picture myself. I try to imagine what sort of clothing I would wear.
…...For some reason... I see myself in a short-sleeved hoodie. Not long-sleeved, like Souka's, and DEFINITELY not blue like hers. I think I like red. A nice, deep red. Just like my dress, and my long button-up dress for outside. I do not like it when my hair becomes red, but I like red clothing, and the color in general. It just feels... natural to me.
…...A T-shirt would be an interesting, if unusual, garment for me to wear. I have worn them before, but I have never felt very comfortable in them. I think they just point out my chest... or rather, the lack thereof. But for some reason, I see a long-sleeved T-Shirt as my garment of choice, underneath the hoodie. The sleeves are slightly longer than on the hoodie – while on the hoodie they reach down to about the middle of my upper arm, on my t-shirt they are down to about the elbows. It certainly has long sleeves for a T-Shirt, but that is what comes into my mind. Either way, the shirt will have to contrast somewhat with the hoodie, so I think here a nice orange would suit.
...Lower clothing…... s-shorts...? I have... never really worn those. Why would I ever pick those? But yet, they are the first thing that come to mind... and they are fairly short, for a reason I cannot possibly explain... Approximately the length of Yumizuka-san's school outfit's skirt. Why I would pick such shorts, I do not know... well, shorts are different from a skirt, though. One's underwear is not exposed in shorts... unless they are so loose around your legs that one can see up your leg if you sit, anyway. Although they would decrease my flexibility... but in reality, only if I am attempting to do splits or kick the height of my head or something of that nature, which are things I generally do not do. I can do them, but there is little practical use for the former and only rarely for the latter.
...Do I keep my hairband? Hmm... generally, I think so. I do like my hairband, and it does have a functional use. Still... sometimes it would be a nice change of pace to take it out, and enjoy the wind being unbroken by it, even if I do have to pull my hair out of my face more often as a result. But even if this is a different sort of me, it is still definitely me, and I would think that this version of me would keep her hairband. Long hair is not a nice thing to have, if it constantly gets into your face, and this is but one way to make sure it would say out of my eyes.
...It is incredible, really. It looks, in some ways, nothing like me, or to my standards. And yet... I can see myself being fully comfortable in this sort of clothing. Because being in clothing like that... would be liberation. And liberation is exactly what Tsukihime Souka is feeling when she is out of her school or shrine maiden uniforms.
"...Heheh..."
I cannot help but laugh at a silly thought that suddenly enters my mind. Shrine maidens are supposed to be a symbol of chastity, of purity...
...And yet there Souka was, in regular clothing... touching herself even as she brought those sensations to my body. She... looked like she was enjoying herself. I was not able to look for too long... my own body would barely even respond to what I wanted it to do, so that is of no surprise. But from what I saw... she was quite as aroused as I was.
I did not think that she would have whipped herself up into a frenzy of lust so easily, just by virtue of the fact that it was me that she was doing it to. But Tsukihime Souka is the sort of person who defies just about all expectations that one could reasonably put onto her. Indeed, even though what she did is not so surprising to me now, the fact that she would have the fortitude to try it on me is still something worthy of mention.
...There is also the fact that I let her continue to do it, as well, even though I could have stopped her at just about any time. But I did not.
No... I... wanted to feel that, after awhile.
...It was a strange feeling. Strange, and unusual, and a little frightening at first. But, after a short while... it was simply... warm, and pleasant, and addicting. The sort of thing that tells one "You are loved by me, and this is just one way of me telling you that."
It is not the usual love a friend shares with another friend, to be sure. This is the sort of love that is... well, more personal, I suppose. This is not something I see Souka doing with just anyone. I do not see her treating Seo or Hanei in this way... and if she has, they are all doing very good jobs at keeping it hidden from me. I would not suspect any of them to be in this sort of relationship.
…...But what if they were?
What if Souka has been doing these things without me knowing about it? It would certainly explain Seo's rather... torrid mind and imagination. Well, that and the simple fact that she is, of course, "at that age" as the saying goes, where hormones skyrocket in both males and females, urging them that now that they have reached sexual maturity, they should already be seeking to mate, to perpetually propagate the species, to ensure its continued survival.
…...But obviously, two girls cannot make a child, and neither can two males.
From a purely biological standpoint, same-sex relationships are useless for continuation of the species. Therefore, such relationships are purely for the emotional and mental gratification of the participants.
Therefore, the only reason Tsukihime Souka did that, was because she loved Tohno Akiha. Pure and simple.
She simply wanted to show how close she felt to her. Close enough that she felt that she could do such a thing to her. Close enough that she was sure that once it began, Tohno Akiha would not stop her.
…...And she was right.
I did not stop it. And more importantly... I wanted it after a short while.
I wanted to feel all of the things she was doing. I wanted to push myself into them. I wanted to lose myself to this maddening fit of pleasure that she was bringing to my body, through lips and fingers and words...
...It was... intoxicating.
It made me feel so many different things at once that it was almost impossible to describe it all. An intense heat, and a desire to give myself completely to the sensations, to the feelings.
It made me lose all sense of privacy, or modesty. I would have been more than willing to expose myself to anyone, almost, as long as they would have continued to stimulate that maddening desire in me.
…...But I especially wanted Nii-san.
In the back of my mind, even though part of me would have been horrified to know he was seeing me that way... the rest of me wanted him.
Wanted to feel him embracing me.
Wanted to feel his touch making my skin burn.
Wanted to feel him entering me, claiming me, making me his…...
...I blush. I am beginning to feel a heat build in my lower stomach. I am... arousing myself by thinking about it, and remembering it...
But, it is pointless to remember that and to feel aroused when one is not around to give bodily pleasures for it.
With a slightly disappointed sigh, I shake my head of the thoughts, and after putting my stockings and shoes back on, I head towards my door, opening it, then closing it behind me, and I begin to walk down the hall back towards Nii-san's room.
It is not right to be mad at Nii-san. He is not the actual cause for my anger. The truth is, that I cannot face facts with myself. That my own stubbornness is really the root cause.
Tohno Akiha has to swallow her pride. And swallowing her pride is never something that she has been good at. She has never been taught to swallow her pride. She has never been taught to do anything but enforce her way, her rules, no matter what.
...But real life does not work that way.
Living with other people means that one must compromise. They will never get exactly what they want out of a relationship, especially one that is romantic and sexual. Money cannot buy love. It can buy the appearance of it, but this is a mere shade.
Furthermore... Otou-sama is here no more. He has ceased to be. Therefore, while he raised me with values, and things I should do...
…...Are they not but guidelines now?
Who is going to chastise me if I choose to do things differently from how he would? Absolutely nobody. Hisui and Kohaku are both loyal to me, and Nii-san... well, he was indifferent to Otou-sama for some time, until he found out the truth of him, and of the Tohno, and that made his opinion towards him sour.
Nowadays, I suppose he would be more indifferent on him, recognizing him both as someone who was a monster and a victim. For Otou-sama was two very different people.
The kind Tohno Makihisa, who could be very protective and watching over the three of us.
The monster Tohno Makihisa, who slaughtered an entire family, put me through a grueling upbringing, and had to rape Kohaku on an almost daily basis just to survive, by a thread, to teach me the most important things that I needed to know, for he knew his time was extremely limited and had to cram what should have been a gradual lifetime's worth of lessons into a handful of years.
He is gone now, and will never return. Therefore, while his lessons will last me the rest of my life... his lifestyle does not have to be mine.
...Yes. That is the right course of action, I believe.
I certainly owe Nii-san an apology, at the very least... and if I am to truly be a new, and better person, it is but the first step in a long journey.
Yes. That is precisely it. Otou-sama lived how he did, but I am not Otou-sama.
While I can, and have, learned from his lessons... following them to the letter...
...That is not necessary. I am my own woman, not a female clone of Otou-sama.
Next Week (1/30/11) – Chapter 35: "Two Will Be As One"