Chapter 36: "Dreamer's Dream"
Human.
He, too, said Tohno Akiha was human.
Even if she refuses to believe it herself, half of the time... even if she considers herself more of a demon than a human...
…...It is what he called her. Human.
Now it is not just me saying it. He said it. That no longer makes it a dream. That makes it reality.
A reality hoped for. A reality desperately wanted by that side of her. To cling to. To be reminded that she is not entirely bad. That she is not without salvation, without redemption.
To be reminded that there are those who care for her. Who worry about her. Who are concerned with her well-being.
To be reminded that, no matter what the consequences, or what you do, if you try hard enough, you'll achieve them.
Just like...
"…..."
Just like... what I dream for.
Those rare but pleasant dreams. Of holding Nii-san. Of kissing Nii-san. Of not letting him go, and more importantly... of never wanting to.
Of wanting him to be a part of my life, now and forever, until the day I die.
Nii-san is my precious thing. My most cherished possession is not something I can hold, or have, at any one time; it is a person independent of myself. And... even though he is in the arms of another, my heart will always belong to him. This basic fact will never change.
Because, when he is there, and when he is around, Tohno Akiha becomes a different person from the usual exterior that she exhibits. The more I think about it, the more I realize... that might be why I truly love him.
Not just for saving my life... but because he was Tohno Akiha's method of escape from the pressures of her life. Her outlet of frustration and fears. He took yelling that was hastily thrown upon him, created by the worryings of a young woman, attempting to find an excuse to yell at him, because the fears that lurked darkly in her heart, she did not have the courage to voice.
But... Nii-san didn't want her to change... even though around him it was merely a matter of time before her usual demeanor failed, and she became more like a meek girl. He would wait for this reaction. He would anticipate it. And when it occurred, he would welcome it, and make sure the girl never felt ashamed of her emotional barrier coming crumbling down.
I cannot help it.
I can keep my usual self among everyone else but attempting to do it to Nii-san... he cuts through it like how his knife cuts through the lines he sees. Cleanly. Easily. Totally. Without any hope of evading it. The sturdy, brick barrier that Tohno Akiha erects when talking to most, may as well be thin rice paper.
...It is as if Tohno Akiha becomes a completely different person around him. More humble. More submissive. Even if she is initially sharp at him, this fades before long, and the girl's true feelings, worries, and doubts rise to the surface, without any cloak to hide them, mask to misidentify them. While Tohno Akiha would never sacrifice her independence to just about anyone... he is the one person that she would willingly surrender herself to, and allow him to do with her as he pleased.
And... that seems to be what she truly wants. To be that totally different person. To be relieved from all her pressures, all her obligations, even if just for one day…...
…...Yes. That is what I will do.
Tomorrow, I will try to be someone other than Tohno Akiha. No... tomorrow... I will be someone else. I will not care about her worries, I will disregard her feelings, I will ignore everything she needs, wants, desires... they will be the needs of someone who, for a day or so, will be effectively dead.
What, exactly, will rise up... I do not know. It is likely it will not be someone she likes…... But who cares about the wishes of a dead girl?
The only thing she and I will have in common is that she will leave the mansion, and this stranger will return to an unfamiliar home. Will she find it to her liking or not? That is hard to say... but it will scarcely matter.
...Well then. Tomorrow is settled. The only thing left today, is to gain answers on that lingering question in my mind... answers if that is what Nii-san wanted, or if it was just convenience that dictated "my" presence in his dream.
And for that, I need to seek out a certain familiar.
I return to my room... and somehow, there she is, waiting for me in my chair.
Finding Len is slightly unorthodox, but it makes sense when one thinks about it deeply. Essentially, she knows when she is being sought, and then will often go towards where the person who seeks her out thinks they will find her.
In this case, I had a feeling she would be waiting in my room, so that is where I went. I was correct.
"Len." I state her name.
She looks up at me from the chair, kicking her legs slightly. She is slightly too short to fully reach the floor from the chair's seat height. Red eyes look at me, as if they were expecting me. She nods slightly, to acknowledge that she has heard me.
"Is it true that when Nii-san returned home one night before we adopted you, he had a... sexual dream of me that you provided...?" The word still is foreign to my tongue. It does not roll off easily, but I find it becoming easier.
As for Len... she simply nods quietly, as always, a childlike innocence in her nod that is belied by the extremely adult nature of the dream. I feel my cheeks warm up as the blood rushes to my face.
"Was... it one he wanted, or was I just the first female in his life you could find...?" I ask inquisitively. "I... wish to know if you influenced his dreams or not..." If Len gave Nii-san this dream, then his love may be unattainable anyway...
...But much to my surprise, Len pulls herself out of the chair and approaches. I note that she walks with determination, and her hands are lightly balled into fists.
"...Ah... is... that something you cannot tell me for some reason...?" I ask, trying to defuse the situation. Child's body or not, Len is still not someone to trifle with...
Reaching up on tiptoe, she touches me lightly on the forehead. Immediately, it is as if I had just taken one of Kohaku's drugs. Within seconds, my vision blurs, then swirls. Afterimages of the room are produced as I stagger slightly.
I feel... strangely exhausted. I struggle to maintain my balance for a few moments, until I collapse onto the side of my bed. I attempt to get up, but only manage a slightly feeble raising of the limbs and my head before my strength is completely gone, and my body relaxes.
Within moments, I am unconscious.
…...?
…...Where am I…...?
I look around. I am...
...In Nii-san's room.
I look out the window. It is dark outside. It is hard to make out much detail on the sleeping face of Nii-san, but it is fairly easy to pick out the more prominent facial structures, such as eyes, nose, or mouth. He appears to be sleeping somewhat peacefu–
...? Someone's approaching. He looks towards the door, too.
It opens. And…... I enter, along with Kohaku.
"?ǃ" I gasp slightly in surprise.
H... How can I enter the room with Kohaku? Especially since she is at her other employers right now? I am right here! I look down at my hands, or I try to, but I do not see anything...!
"No... this is but a memory now, Akiha. A memory that Shiki and I share."
...Len's voice. Ah... of course... this makes sense, then. I am... in the dream that Nii-san had.
…...Then, the Tohno Akiha who is talking to him is the one he dreamed of, and the one who seems to be invisible and spectral to all but Len, remains hidden and unknown from sight.
...I watch them talk. Watching myself and Kohaku talk to Nii-san is a strange experience. It is not rather unlike one who practices a speech in front of a mirror, over and over, until they get it right.
"In other words, Nii-san, you see us more as family than you do as women?" My doppelganger speaks calmly, coolly... in a way I never truly could in front of Nii-san. "…...I see. It might be good for you if that was really true."
The words are mostly brief, fleeting. As if not fully remembered or realized.
And... and I watch... as he weakens, under my doppelganger's gaze...
…...…Wh, What?ǃ Why am I ordering Kohaku to do that?ǃ H-Hey, stop this, Kohaku! I try to grab her arms, but my hand uselessly passes through, without grabbing hers, as she begins to tie him to the bedposts.
...And I watch, as she begins to remove his clothing... feeling heat begin to flare up in my stomach…...
...Sh... She is... well... being sexual with him, and... I'm watching?ǃ Th, This isn't something I would want, ever! I force myself to turn away from this sight. I don't want this. I don't want this at all!
…...Well.. this IS a dream of Nii-san's, so I suppose I wouldn't act myself, but... this is still not me! Not in a hundred years would Nii-san imagine me to be this sort of sick, perverted woman who would just so willingly force this sort of thing upon him!
...But... before long, my head refuses to remain turned. Whether a dream or not... the desire inside of me grows and grows. It... it wants to see him... and his private parts...
Looking back, I see that Kohaku has him inside of her mouth. Bobbing slowly, sucking carefully, making him twitch and writhe in his restraints, as pleasure clearly surges throughout his body...
...I blush as I watch her... well... handle him. Along with my doppelganger, who is watching far more intently than I am.
"…...!"
As Kohaku... does those things...
...My doppelganger sits in the chair and... begins to rub herself between the legs. A contented noise comes from her throat, followed by a small sigh, and her hand moves up and down...
S... She's masturbating... I think...?
I... I don't get it... No, this cannot be something he dreamed of on his own. This is clearly something Len inserted into his mind!
"...Len... You can stop..." I announce as firmly as I possibly can.
As if on command... everything freezes in place. All motions cease; all noises stop. I take a few moments to calm my breath, and moisten my parched-dry throat with saliva before I walk around in the room, and examine everything.
Nii-san... with a face I have never seen before. Tied to the bed, his arms and legs unable to free himself. I feel the heat in my cheeks swell in embarrassment, as I notice his eyes are looking somewhat vaguely in the direction of my doppelganger.
...Kohaku. Licking and tasting his most private places. She... looks as if she were enjoying it. The faintest hint of a smile is on her face. She lightly grips his penis with one hand, her other stroking his left thigh.
…...My... doppelganger... her dress off and her thighs are spread wide apart on the chair, touching herself, with a face that is absolutely not mine. Her underwear, soiled with arousal, is immediate and obvious...
I blush even more deeply as I remember I am looking at myself. No. No, no, no, no. One does not purposely look at themselves being so... lewd!
I quickly pull my eyes away. That is just wrong... what I am doing is wrong, why I am having Kohaku do it is wrong, and that is not a look that belongs on my face...
…...Yet, at the same time... I would be lying if I said if some part of me did not want to be touched, or taken right now... In the back of my mind, thoughts of asking Len to make Kohaku disappear, and leave the rest of the dream alone, so I can impale myself on Nii-san and satisfy these bestial urges within me course throughout my head, fogging my brain, trying to destroy my logic, my reason...
"Th... This is really what he dreamed of?" I look around the room for Len. I feel her presence, but I do not see her anywh–
My eyes turn to the window as they glimpse movement. As if it were a perfectly commonplace thing to defy the very laws of physics, the familiar steps through the window without even opening it, and she simply nods in reply to my question.
"...But... I am not even doing anything to him. Kohaku is–"
She walks up to me, and, with a slight smile, touches me lightly on the forehead once more.
In an instant... it feels like hundreds of thoughts slam into my brain from this, added into my mind and my memory by someone whose very existence is meant to be able to do such things. Blinding torrents of information, tightly spiraled into my brain, and seared into it, like cattle would be branded.
…...Potentially several hours' worth of information is imparted on me, in an instant.
And with it... come the answers I seek.
"...He... did this... because..." I speak slightly, with my voice trembling, as the realization of just why Kohaku is here makes itself clear with these thoughts that enter my mind as if I had just solved some cosmic riddle.
Hisui takes care of Nii-san's laundry and room, but as she was afraid of dealing with most males at the time, usually it is Kohaku who interacted with him more directly. Then, it would make sense for him to have her here...
...Because he could not think of me in that way.
Even if he did want me... he could not dream of Tohno Akiha doing these things to him, of Tohno Akiha satisfying his primal, carnal instincts. He could not see his beloved little sister as being anything but a little sister to him... and could not see her as a woman who has wants, needs, and desires with him.
So he had... a secondary option. Someone who would be more "socially permissible." To be a proxy, of sorts...
That person, was Kohaku. A more socially acceptable alternative. One who was not related to him by blood or name. One whom nobody in society would object to a relationship forming between them... well, except for myself or possibly Hisui. But this was before that formed...
It would not matter how sexual Kohaku became with Nii-san. It would be seen as two adults making a mutual choice, and since they are not related, society would deem the relationship to be acceptable by its standards.
"...And you did not influence or force this on him at all, Len?" I ask of her.
The blue-haired girl simply shakes her head, the only other noise in this otherwise quiet room being the slight shuffle of her hair on her clothing as her head turns a few times.
Then... he did truly want this, and Len had no influence on his dreams at all. This was Nii-san's true desire...
A desire to have the one his heart yearned for, but could not.
...A desire to love the girl who loved him to be more than just his sister.
…...A desire for his sister to be his partner. But his mind could not see Tohno Akiha as someone who could be both his sister and his sexual partner...
He wanted Tohno Akiha, but since he could not see me as someone whom he could do that with, he needed a way for me to be present while his desires were fulfilled. Thus, Kohaku became a surrogate, because after all, all he has to do is close his eyes and believe it is me, for it to become me... just as Kohaku herself had stated as she began stimulating his body...
…...And then, he would orgasm. Into "me"... into a willing, accepting female.
"...And... I presume that is what happened?" I ask with an unusually shaky voice, my body trembling slightly.
Len smirks softly... and I feel her hand travel under my dress and caress my groin as she motions her head back towards Nii-san and Kohaku on the bed. I quickly pull away, but not before I become aware of the distinctive feeling of soaked fabric being rubbed...
I... Is she suggesting I enjoyed watching Nii-san and Kohaku have sex?ǃ A... Absurd! Absolutely absurd! I would never want to watch Nii-san having sex! Ever!
"F-Forget about that now, it isn't important!" I grab her arm and pull it out from under my dress, and then step away. "Telling me what I want to know will be enough, thank you!"
She pouts very slightly, before her voice enters my head. "I bet if you didn't know it was a dream, though, you'd be a lot more willing..." She giggles a little, and as she does, the pout changes into a very daring smirk.
Somehow, I do not like the tone of that giggle, or the smirk on her face.
"...J-Just answer me, Len. Did he do that, or not?" I cross my arms and glare at her, to get an immediate answer, trying my best to appear firm.
But the smirk just turns into a slight, grinning smile, as if she was expecting me to do this, and it widens even more as she licks her fingers that have my moisture on them before she answers, rewarding my incredulous stare by speaking audibly this time. "Shiki did not care who it was touching him after awhile. All he could do was look at you, and see what you were doing, and hear your voice. Soon, he gave in totally and completely. And once he did, and thought it was you doing that to him, he came as hard as he could into Kohaku's mouth... I had a feast of energy from it." She licks her lips slightly at the memory, as well as to clean my remaining fluids from them.
...Then, we truly are in the same, awkward position.
Of loving one another... even in that way... but both of us being too afraid to express it.
Of desiring the other, and wanting to be lost in the other.
Of the taboos, of all of the bonds of family we would be breaking. A secret wish, desired by two people...
…...Both afraid to admit it to the other, so they both settled on a defense mechanism.
Me, never telling him that I wanted it.
Him, never telling me that he would like it.
It is no longer a question of "Would he like to?" then. It is now a simple question of why he finds reasons to abstain from it... the best one I can think of, would probably be due to the obvious "illegal" nature that such love would produce. The act of incest.
…...But it was never an issue of "would it be legal." It is legal, because we are unrelated in anything but name only...
...And even if we weren't... even if he was my brother by blood... I would not care. I would still love him. I would still desire to be his partner, now and forever.
Because... I love him more than words could ever say.
Nii-san was never formally adopted into our family by Otou-sama, so I suppose technically we are only brother and sister if we both believe it to be, but...
…...I still call him Nii-san. I still consider him my brother. I could call him "Shiki-Niisan" but that just... does not feel the same to me.
A bond that was formed with essentially a stranger, by a cruel twist of fate. And, being male and female... I suppose we both could not help but react purely by animal instinct. That instinct that draws the opposite sexes together, to continue the cycle, to beget the next generation of the species.
...I... I am conflicted... but... if that did happen, and we did do that... would I still be a sister to him? And if not... what would I become to him...?
Would he expect me to become some kind of servile housewife, or obedient girlfriend? I cannot do that... and more importantly, I will not do that. I love Nii-san, but I have my own ways of thinking that cannot change so drastically... not even for him.
Would he want to run away from this place with me, so we can live in peace and happiness forever? Well... as pleasant as that would be to me, there is no way I can just magically stop attending to the duties of the Tohno.
But... more importantly...
"...I... I do not want him to stop being Nii-san."
No... I want him to remain just the way that he is. I want him to remain exactly this way... for better or for worse. Even though he does certain things that really anger me... I do not want that to change, ever.
Len walks over, and smiles. "Well... how would you feel if this were real afterward?" Her somewhat rare voice in my head, once more.
"Ah..." I think. I remember how Nii-san reacted quite well, because of how shocking it was to me.
I smiled as I wished Nii-san a good morning after he woke up fairly early for him, and then when he looked flushed I felt his forehead... and he broke and ran.
…...…To be fair, I probably would too, if it were me and I had dreamed of Nii-san doing something to me... or watching as something was done to me. I, I was so... filthy, and depraved... in that vision...
...And rubbing myself, like Souka was.
The sight of this caused him to view me not as a sister, but as a woman... and so he gave in to the pleasure that had been building in his body...
…...And if Len is right... then... he was imagining it was my lips... and my mouth... that he was releasing into when he could not take it anymore...
...How... unfair... that Nii-san can have a dream like that, of me... and yet... I have had only nightmares...
"You did have nightmares. But you are in control now, Akiha. Just remember... you are the creator of your dreams now. If you wish them, they will come true..."
...She is right. I have not felt "him" in my soul since my nightmare on Thursday night, into Friday morning.
…...Then, I suppose if I want to dream of Nii-san... all I have to do is will it.
"A... Alright. Then, allow me to awaken, and I shall try to dream of Nii-san tonight."
Yes. Tonight, before Tohno Akiha goes away.
But Len... shakes her head. She points outside, to the window, where the sun is already beginning to rise.
"...M-Morning?ǃ But we've only been here for... what, fifteen minutes?ǃ" I exclaim.
My question is ignored. Len simply turns and walks back through the window.
"W-Wait! Len!" I try to chase her.
"Sorry, Akiha." Her voice enters my head one last time.
And, just like my last dream, the world shatters into fragments...
...Such a perverted dream, that Nii-san had...
...But... then again... he... had one of me... of me, doing those things...
…...Why do I find that so... arousing...? I shouldn't, but...
Next Week (2/13/11) – Chapter 37: "Vicissitude of Consciousness"