Chapter 41: "A Moment In Time, Frozen Forever"
We walk into the kitchen. Kohaku is there, preparing dinner already, humming to herself quite happily... no doubt due to the time she got to spend with Nii-san. She turns towards us when she can hear me walking into the kitchen. "Ah, welcome home, Akiha-" She then sees my clothing. "-sama..." She actually stops stirring the pot of food for a moment.
"Good evening, Kohaku. I hope you do not mind cooking a little more for our guest?" Seo pokes her head out from behind me and waves at Kohaku.
"...N-Not at all, Akiha-sama. But, your clothing..." Her eyes trace up and down my body. Of course, I am still in the outfit that I purchased earlier. It is perhaps a little dustier than I would prefer it to be, but that is nothing a short wash will not take care of.
"What? Do you like it?" I throw my hair back a little with a smile, and then do a slow circle so that Kohaku can see the entirety of the outfit. "It is not my usual form of dress, but I think now and again it will be nice during the warmer months."
"...Well, if you say so, Akiha-sama. It's just not something I expected you to like wearing very much. You're not a casual person usually, so it's a bit shocking, but if you like it that much, then I'd say it suits you well." She smiles back.
Whether she is just tacitly saying she does not like them or is genuinely expressing her approval, I am unsure... but, does it really matter? They are my clothes, not hers. And if she covets them... well, admittedly, she would not be able to fit in them, anyway.
"Thank you, Kohaku. Ah... I also got you something, since I went shopping." I begin to dig in the bag that contains the remainder of the clothes. "...Ah, there it is..."
"M-Me? But Akiha-sama, I don't really need anything..." Kohaku seems genuinely stunned that I would think of her at a time like this.
"Yes, well, I got it anyway. It was just too perfect to not get you." I pull the shirt out, and hand it to her.
Kohaku raises her eyebrows in surprise, and reads in good, but heavily accented English. "I'm the chef, that's why!" She laughs, getting the joke. "Thank you, Akiha-sama. It's very fitting." Unlike Hisui, such humor is not lost on Kohaku.
"Think nothing of it, Kohaku. It is not much. Ah, yes, please give this one to Nii-san before you leave, as well." I take out his shirt and carefully, perfectly, fold it before handing it to her.
Kohaku blinks in confusion, not understanding my mood... but she acquiesces to my request. "Very well, Akiha-sama. I will give it to him when I leave." She smiles.
"Yes, thank you. For now, please concentrate on your cooking. I have distracted you from it long enough." I walk to the freezer, grab two ice packs, and take the bag with the two remaining shirts inside. "Come, Seo. We shall go to my room." I walk past my kouhai, and notice out of the corner of my eye that her expression is notably shocked.
"Y... Your room, Tohno-senpai?" She asks me in disbelief.
"Yes. Unless you have a problem with it for some reason?" I stop and look at her.
"N-No! I, uh... I've just never been in there before... eheheheh..." She laughs nervously.
Well, I can see where she is coming from. Usually one only allows those closest to them into their private bedrooms. It has a certain... connotation, of intimacy.
Certainly, it would be quite the topic of gossip around the school if they heard of this... well, not that such gossip has not already happened once or twice. But Seo Akira being my "favored" kouhai is a bit different from Seo Akira being invited into my bedroom.
Is Seo that close to me...?
…...I suppose she is.
"Haaaaaah."
Seo Akira sighs in relief as she finally gets to sit down and apply the ice packs to her legs. I am not feeling in too much pain, so I gave her mine.
"God, they're killing me. It feels like somebody kicked me really hard in the back of my leg..." She complains, carefully putting light pressure on the backs of her legs, near where the pillar had fallen on them.
"Yes, apologies. Usually we would have used the limo, but a walk would do better for the blood circulation. On the upside, you got some good exercise, and probably built a little bit of muscle with all the walking we did today." I smile and cross my legs.
"Heh, losing a little bit of weight wouldn't be too bad, I guess." She lifts her cup of tea up and sips it.
"Well, exercise is an important thing. It keeps you in shape. Besides that... it helps catch the eye of admirers. Surely you know that, right?" I ask her with a smile.
The blush on Seo Akira's face indicates that she understands what I am suggesting all too well.
"Good. It would be a shame if I would have had to explain that to you," My smile grows much wider as I sip on my own tea.
Seo clears her throat after she puts her cup of tea back down. "So, uh, Tohno-senpai... now that we're here..."
...Seo Akira cuts right to the chase, as the expression goes.
"...You want to know about what happened, huh." My voice takes on a subconsciously colder tone, I notice after a few seconds.
"Yeah. You promised." Her own voice and expression turns notably serious. Like that of a woman who will face her assailant, rather than submit to his will.
"...Just remember, so did you." I look straight into her eyes, testing her resolve.
"Yeah, yeah, I won't tell anyone, I promise..." She nods affirmatively, and even looks me straight in the eye.
"Good. Because if that got out, it could have fatal consequences. I am not joking in the slightest." I glare at her even harder. Almost... daring her to meet my gaze.
But she does more than meet my gaze. She even... seems to welcome it a little, nodding slightly. "...So what is it?"
...Well then. Here goes nothing. Say it all before Tohno Akiha fully returns...
"...Have you ever heard of a case where someone can seemingly have two sides to them at once?" I cross my arms and sit back in my chair a little.
"Uh, yeah. Like, uhh, what was that one western novel... uh, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?" Her face scrunches a little in thought.
"...Yes, I suppose that would work. You could say I am one of those cases. There is a naturally dark side of me, that gives me power... but it comes at the cost of some of my humanity, as it were."
"...So... you're a monster?" She asks simply.
Immediately, I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and my hands clench themselves slightly.
No, I am not a monster... I am a human. And the human side of Tohno Akiha knows that Seo Akira did not mean to offend. She is merely asking, as anyone would.
So I sigh deeply, to clear the thought, as opposed to acting upon the urge to reach out and choke her.
"…...Yes and no. I could become one if I were weak-willed... but I do not plan on it. I have it well under control," I say with the best sincerity I can put forward. "You will not have to worry about me becoming so... crazed that I would harm any of you. Ever. Please... trust me on this."
Silence, as Seo Akira takes this all in, looking me over carefully while adjusting the ice pack on her ankle.
…...How I wish I could see her thoughts right now.
Am I a monster to her? I do not want to be. Even as mean as I can be to her sometimes... I still consider Seo Akira a friend, and I want her to consider me that as well.
"Oh..." She blinks for a few moments, as this sinks in. "…...What about Tohno-san? Is he... uh, like you, and can change, too...?"
I shake my head, and sip my tea to moisten my throat before beginning. "No, Nii-san is not quite the same as me. He has a dark side to him, too, but it is one he is also well in control of. You do not have to worry about either of us becoming Mr. Hyde, as it were. I promise."
"So... his hair goes red like yours, too, too?"
"No, no... Nii-san's powers are in his eyes, not in his hair," I explain. "But as I do not wish to explain things without him knowing, you will have to ask him for that, sometime."
"...His eyes turn red?" She asks with surprise.
I have to laugh slightly at the idea of Nii-san's eyes changing to red. "No. Blue, actually. But once again, that is something he and you will have to discuss."
"Oh. Well... okay, I guess." I can tell from the sound of things that she does not have the answers that she seeks, but that is how I want it.
After all... if I told her everything... I probably would become a monster to her.
Fundamentally, Tohno Akiha is half-human, and half-demon. There is no way to get around this simple fact. Even though I am revealing some of this to Seo Akira, I am being very careful not to reveal it all. If I revealed it all... then that may cause irreparable harm to our relationship.
Yet... she is taking the small amount of information I have given her in surprisingly good stride. Whether she is unable to understand it, predicted it, foresaw it, or something... I do not know. It is impossible to tell, and Seo Akira's face shows thought more than anything else.
...Perhaps if she proves I can trust her with what I have given her, then someday I will give her more. But not yet. After all, it would be difficult to explain to her how I have demon blood in my veins, and how I could, quite literally, become not unlike Mr. Hyde.
But Seo Akira and Tohno Akiha have both been through enough for one day. Walking around has drained us physically, and the freak accident in the haunted house has drained us mentally. Right now... I just wish to have her here as a friend, as someone whom I can hold a conversation with and enjoy the simple pleasure of passing the time with someone whom is special to me.
Seo pulls the ice bags off her legs and flexes and stretches them a bit. "A little stiff... I think they'll be okay, though. I wish that my ankle..." She stops in midsentence, and looks at me strangely.
"…...Seo? Is something wrong?" I blink and look around. Nothing seems out of order...
"W-Wait there, senpai!" She dashes back into the house. I watch her as she runs inside, stunned slightly by the fact that she is able to run with hardly a limp. The ice pack and medicine that Kohaku gave to her are definitely working, with the speed she ran off at.
"...Strange girl..." is all that my mouth can say.
A few moments later, she returns with some of her art supplies. "Just stay exactly like that, please!" She sits in her chair and begins sketching quite rapidly.
…...Ah, I get it now.
I have turned into a study for her. Well, she worked hard in bringing those bags back, and I suppose I can trust her enough, so I simply smile and sit as I am, occasionally sipping on my tea.
She looks up repeatedly as she sketches, before looking back down. Her left hand, holding the pencil, moves surprisingly quick and with grace. Strokes are regular, and with purpose. She licks her lips unconsciously as she draws.
I have seen her finished art before, of course, but that was in that doujinshi...
...Where we were kissing.
It was bad enough that we nearly split our friendship over that silly little doujinshi of hers. But that is in the past now. We are still friends, and I want to keep it that way if I can.
At the same time... I cannot help but think about it, really. A lot has happened in the past few days... so much so that I had nearly forgotten about this. This whole thing, really, that turned my life upside down.
What foolish thinking that was. I remember full well asking myself how two women could have such a relationship, and have it be fulfilling for both...
...Tsukihime Souka showed me just how that could be done.
No... she did more than show me. She... she made me want what she was doing. More and more and more of it, until I could not stand it anymore, and my mind was gone, replaced by that of an animal who simply wanted to rut.
Because of that... I have a considerably different perspective on something like that, thanks to Souka…...
…...Would that be truly so bad, I wonder?
I am not sure. I assume an older Seo Akira would be more emotionally stable and realistic, and not still living like a child who is resisting growing up. No, she would definitely be much more adult in her thinking and her manner.
She is showing that she is capable of being an adult, when she wants to be. She looked at me very seriously when I tried to see if she would be scared off by my threatening her. A year ago, it would have no doubt made her back down.
Instead, she not only met my look... she almost... encouraged it. On those grounds, I told her.
Plus, it is not like Seo Akira does not have traits that are admirable. She does have qualities I like. Hardworking. Meticulous. Studious.
…...Pretty.
She is very pretty. Her attractiveness has made her quite popular among many of the students, even the older ones. There is little doubt that at Asagami Private Girls Academy, Hanei is still at the top when it comes to idol-like looks, but Seo would probably turn in second or third despite her relative youth. While Hanei has the womanly feminine charms, Seo might be the cute little sister everyone wishes they could have.
...Admittedly, even I would not mind having someone like that. I have always wondered what sort of person I would have been to a younger sibling... would I guide them? Would I help them cope with our familial curse? Or, as is sometimes the case, would the youngest actually be the strongest, there for even her big sister when her doubts would flare up again...?
...I would not mind someone like that in my life, I will admit.
I talk with Hisui, Kohaku, Nii-san, and occasionally Len about my problems, but... they are not the same. Hisui was always uncomfortable when I brought it up. Kohaku would just encourage me on anyway, for she was a doll until a year ago. Nii-san and Len are both very recent entrants into my life.
No... for years, Tohno Akiha had to suffer silently and alone, even after she stood up to the man who was increasingly a shell of what she loved in her father. Even after she protected Kohaku from his abuse at the cost of his life...
...She slowly became consumed by her own inner demons herself.
She could not find that peace, that solace, that simple joy of having someone to talk to, to tell her things would be fine and to be strong, if not for herself, than for others. Kohaku would tell her these things, but it lacked sincerity. A doll, after all, only has emotions if the puppeteer does their work in putting them in, and rather than put them into her, the puppeteer raped them out of her.
Yet the girl who is drawing my picture now... has personal feelings for her senpai. Despite the meanness. Despite the occasional "tortures." Even despite the spats we had...
...Seo Akira still values the company of her senpai, Tohno Akiha.
...It is strange, really. Seo is approximately my sizes. We could share bras. I think her hips and waist are slightly larger than mine, but I would not know the exact sizes. She is two years younger than me, but surely that is not the factor that makes her fairly popular, and it makes me very feared.
So what does...?
Is it because my reputation precedes me?
Is it because Seo Akira is simply so cute that people will naturally like her?
Is it because girls tend to like cute things, and to many people, Seo Akira would be the epitome of "cute little sister?"
No... I think it is none of these. What it is, is simple.
Seo Akira has a far more enjoyable personality than Tohno Akiha.
Seo is polite, accommodating, energetic, friendly. Tohno Akiha is also polite, and to an extent accommodating, but energetic only towards family matters, and that energy is forced. And friendliness is not exactly one of my qualities. I do not want to complicate other lives with my own troubles, problems, and worries. Few people could understand the pain I go through.
Fewer still could actually help me.
...Even fewer would be able to love me.
"…...We live alone, and we die alone."
"Eh?" Seo looks up. "What did you say, Tohno-senpai...?"
"...It is the first thing I remember Otou-sama telling me. 'We live alone, and we die alone, Akiha.'"
"…...Oh..." Seo looks unsure of what to say about that, and after a few moments, returns to sketching.
I do not blame her for not really having anything more to say. It is a hard thing to reply to in such a way that the conversation remains positive, instead of acerbic. Such a fatalistic statement is the last thing most fathers would tell their daughters.
...Unfortunately, Tohno Makihisa was anything but "most fathers."
The life of a Tohno is a very difficult burden to handle. I am thankful that some others in my life do not have to handle such difficult burdens, like Nii-san, or Kohaku, or even Len. Hisui will likely find someone someday, and I know she would make a terrific housewife... well, assuming she can find a husband who knows how to cook and enjoys it. Perhaps even Yumizuka-san might be able to find someone, if we can gain either a cure for her or if she can find a vampire just as noble as she is. I am not so closed-minded; I know there are some very noble vampires out there, such as Arcueid-san.
But I...
…...I will die alone.
I will simply have to accept it. There may be those in my life who can please me and bring me some measure of happiness, but a life partner is not in the cards of Tohno Akiha. It would take a person of incredible courage, and understanding, and selflessness to love someone like me truthfully. Even though Souka could love Tohno Akiha, the person... I do not know if she could love Tohno Akiha, the soul. The soul that is a mixture of human and inhuman blood.
...A bastard of both, and unable to be fully accepted by either.
I sigh a bit as I feel my usual melancholic thinking fill my brain again. Even though I am smiling for Seo, this is a false smile. It is just for posing. It is not the true feelings of Tohno Akiha.
Love... I guess that is what I wish for now. I can no longer be alone, and now I am starting to get to the point where I do not want to be alone by myself in terms of romance. Since I cannot have Nii-san... my mind is simply following basic human instinct, seeking out that which makes them happy.
...But only Nii-san can make me as happy as I wish to be, right...?
If not him... could Souka? If I told her these deepest, darkest secrets... would she reject me? Would our relationship end because she was scared of me...?
Would she say "I don't care about any of that, Tohno, you're my friend and no matter what you are, I always want to be that?"
...Would she say "I've known you were what you were all along, and I don't care what you are, because none of that matters to me, and just seeing you smile is all I want...?"
…...I wish I knew. These questions have been burning in my head ever since I woke up from what she did on Friday. I want answers to them...
...Hopefully, I will get them tomorrow. I am sure to see her in school, at some point of the day.
Perhaps someday, I will be lucky and blessed enough to find someone who understands, who is not scared of the darker aspects of Tohno Akiha, loves her completely, and trusts her fully.
Maybe not.
I do not know, and thinking about it is making my heart hurt.
"All done!" Startling me from my thoughts with a squeal of glee, Seo Akira bounds out of her chair and shows me the sketch she has produced.
"...Wow," is all I can say as I survey the carefully-drawn scene before me.
I am actually rather genuinely impressed. It seems the doujinshi she bought a week ago had already slightly altered her style. She was paying particular attention to my face, hands, and legs, and there is some detailed shading. It is still only a sketch, and not a finished drawing... but on the whole, it is surprisingly pleasant.
"Yeah! It's not done yet, but I like where it's going. I'll probably scan this and put this up on my page." She beams with pride as she looks over it.
I blink. "Your... page, Seo?"
"Yeah, I have a page dedicated to my drawings on my website. I go under the artist name 'Mirai-hime.'"
...Ah yes. A... webpage, I think that call it. On the internet.
"Tastebud Princess is quite an appropriate name with how you eat sometimes, Seo. You had three servings the last time you were here."* I say with a slight smile.
"Hey, I'm using the characters for 'Future Princess!' As for the dinner... I can't help that! It was good!" She pouts.
Ah yes, the fat is not in her stomach, or her rear end – but in her head...
"So say you," I reply as I sip my tea.
"Akiha-sama, Akira-san, dinner is ready!" The voice of Kohaku, calling out with impeccable timing, informs us that dinner is ready.
"YAY! FOOD!" Seo practically shoves the drawing into my lap and runs out of the room.
I look at the sketch. Already she has forgotten about my remark, the silly fathead.
...It is made with great care.
She was really trying to bring me out, I think. The more that I look at this, the more that I realize that even though this is but a sketch, and only somewhat finished, a lot of effort went into it. It is far more work than most people realize to create a work of art, whether it is a musical recording, a drawing, or a written work.
…...Hmm. I think that after she scans it, I shall ask her if I may keep it.
* In Japanese, both the characters for "Tastebuds" and "Future" are pronounced the exact same way, as "Mirai." In other words, they are homophones.
...That is really all I want.
Just... someone to make me feel worthwhile. Like a person.
But why should something like that be so... important...?
Next Week (3/20/11) – Chapter 42: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy"