Chapter 42: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy"
After Seo Akira has stuffed her face, she wishes me farewell along with Kohaku. Since Kohaku is also going, the other might as well obtain a ride while they can, especially since Seo's ankle and legs are injured.
"Goodbye, Tohno-senpai! Thank you for the shirt and food! Kohaku-san's cooking was great as always." Seo Akira excitedly waves to me, leaning slightly on Kohaku, her injured ankle taped up with great care thanks to her.
Kohaku smiles, now out of her kimono and back in more regular clothing. "It's nothing, Akira-san. Cooking is something I like and am good at, so I'm truly glad you enjoy it. I'll be sure to make an extra helping when you visit next time, so please call ahead the next time before you stop in if it's a weekend, okay?" Kohaku offers a gentle smile.
"Farewell, you two. Seo, I shall see you tomorrow. As for Kohaku... once again, I wish you to have a good week and will look forward to your visit on Friday." I smile warmly. Though a small part of me wishes Kohaku would stay, more of me wishes for Kohaku's happiness... and I know how much leaving this place has helped her. The fact that she still comes on the weekends shows that she does care for me, and obviously for Hisui... so I rid myself of the disappointing thoughts, and I think of the happy ones.
"Goodbye for now, Akiha-sama. Please take good care of Hisui-chan, Shiki-san, and Len-san for me." She smiles, and walks with Seo towards the limo. After a few moments of putting their things in the trunk, Kohaku helps Seo Akira get in, then it starts up and it begins to pull away.
As I did last week, I watch it drive off, and after it disappears thoughts begin racing in my head as I walk back to my room.
Thoughts of how... strange the last two or three days have been, all things considered.
"...Hisui, I will be in my room if you need to ask something of me," I tell Hisui, who has been in the foyer to see both Seo and her sister off.
"...Of course, Akiha-sama." Hisui bows gracefully as always. "Please rest well."
I nod in affirmation, and I head towards my room. The East Wing of the house, on the second floor. The one room in the house where, generally, Tohno Akiha can almost always be herself.
I walk into the room, and close the door, before opening up the patio door. There is a light but pleasant breeze that is streaming in from outside, and I stand there for a few moments, allowing it to wash over me, to flow through my hair and onto my skin. I take a deep inhale of the steadily-crisping air that is coming with the fall of the sun, and after exhaling it slowly, I turn back into my room.
I walk over to my desk, and as I sit at it, I am able to, for the first time in a long time, more fully contemplate my life over the past week or so.
All of the changes... both good and bad.
A week ago, Tohno Akiha was... well... struggling with herself. Fighting with her demons. Scared. Fearful of what could happen if she lost all control of herself.
Now...?
It feels like more and more pieces of the puzzle that is Tohno Akiha's existence are being found, and put into place.
It feels like... growth. Evolution. Like I'm becoming a better, smarter, more confident Tohno Akiha.
Is it because I feel like my life has a purpose now, after what happened?
Is it because Len has seemingly removed "him" and his influence on my consciousness?
…...Is it because of what happened a few days ago with Souka?
I feel the heat rise up in my cheeks, and my heartbeat begins to quicken thinking about that encounter again.
...An encounter under the clouds, that is unnatural by a biological standpoint, that would doom an organism genetically. After all... it is impossible for two women to have a child together. They lack the male genetics – the gametes of the sperm.
…...But yet, humans are more than creatures of mere genetics.
The human capacity for sentience means that they are capable of doing incredibly irrational things, because they realize what sorts of things they want in their lives – homeostasis, I believe the word is. And a human will do almost anything to see to it that they achieve this homeostasis.
To achieve the happiness they desire.
A condition inherent to humans, and only humans.
Animals of all walks will want to survive, but only humans seem to want to do more than just survive. They want to be able to survive in the way they choose, with the people they choose. They want to be with the people they most desire, because from that, they derive happiness, and from happiness, they find meaning and a feeling of belonging, in terms of life.
And... apparently, seeking out Tohno Akiha is what gave Tsukihime Souka that drive to... well, to do what she did.
I... still cannot believe that, actually. That she, of all people, could ever see me in "that way." I would think if one put a poll to a group of young men, Tohno Akiha and Tsukihime Souka would be considerably down the list of "Whom would you most like to sleep with?" If anything, Hanepin would be first. I am sure of it.
For that matter, I am surprised that she would have the courage to not only take me by surprise, but... to do that to me...
...Or that she was so patient.
How long has she been desiring to do that to me, to give my body such carnal stimulation...?
I do not know if Souka knew that I was... well, untouched like that. If she did, she did a good job of making me... feel things. The right places, the right words...
It was my first time. Before this, I had absolutely no clue about how two women could love each other, how it was possible for them to have sex. And of course I was resistive at first.
But after awhile, my body would simply not do what I wanted it to do... and then even my mind became incapable of protesting. All it could think of was "spread your legs so she can access it more. Rub yourself against it. Thrust your hips harder into it. Savor the delicious feelings that it brings."
Before long, it did not care that it was the fingers and tongue of Tsukihime Souka doing that to my body... indeed, it may not have cared whoever it was doing that. It simply wanted it, wanted all of it, and wanted her to do it until it was satisfied.
...Progressively, the conscious thoughts of Tohno Akiha left her, and all that was left was an instinctual craving to mate... to achieve a climax to the uncomfortable pressure, and too much heat for even me to handle, and nerves firing everywhere with every touch of my skin, of my body...
...And especially... well... down there.
...My only regret... is that it ended too soon, honestly. I really had no chance to make it pleasing for her... she was only getting started, when I was getting finished...
I... I wanted to feel more of it. It felt so good it was maddeningly addicting. And to know that Souka did not care about the mess...
...It felt like it was a little too soon, if you ask me. Losing consciousness was bad enough, but to do it so quickly...
...I feel a little embarrassed that it all happened that fast. Just as I was beginning to truly enjoy it, my body quit on me. Everything faded away, and... that was that. I wake up, and Souka is long gone. Not just from the room, but from the house.
That leaves me with all of the questions, worries, and doubts that have been plaguing my mind, and my thoughts, this whole weekend
...Did... Did my lack of endurance offend her? Did she assume I had done that before and so would last longer...? No, she couldn't have. I think she somehow knew I never had it before, but why did she leave...?
Perhaps she had things to do afterward, and knowing that today would be culture day, she simply took advantage of the extra time granted to her in order to go and do things that she would otherwise have had to put into the rest of her week.
…Perhaps she did stay for awhile, but I simply did not wake up in time. Between that encounter, and the general lack of sleep I had the previous several days, it is little wonder that there is a distinct possibility that I simply slept far too long, and my time simply ran out.
…...Possibly she left simply to avoid the wrath of Tohno Akiha, knowing full well that when she got up, she would be insisting and demanding a conversation with her... at a minimum.
...Does she really think I would be that angry at her? I was surprised, sure, but... angry? I do not think I would go that far, even if something like that happened...
There has to be some sort of deeper meaning behind her departure, then. Perhaps...
…...Perhaps she felt I would hate her forever, and so simply left afterward...?
Why would I hate her over that, though...? I mean, I see why I SHOULD hate her over that... but that does not mean that I must hate her over that... it is my choice, after all, and I do not see this as a choice worth hating someone over. There are far worse things Tsukihime Souka could have done to me than to give my body sexual gratification...
I sight heavily. I feel myself getting frustrated. Now here I am, doubting that one of my friends even likes me.
But... that is a silly thought, is it not? Souka still likes me. She would not have been my friend for the last several years if she could not tolerate me. Souka likes me a lot more than I thought she had, or she would not have been able to work up the nerve to try such a thing.
After all, even a male knows he cannot just expect to bed a woman on the first opportunity. If he succeeds, he is either God's proverbial gift to women, or else the woman is of dubious moral character. And I seriously doubt it would be the first of those two.
…...Perhaps Souka truly IS a male in a female body. It is something I would expect out of a male, yes. To take advantage of an opportune moment, to make use of the "right time" as it were, knowing my guard would be down due to her visit...
Still... thinking about that night... about Friday... of all days, the day I wanted to most forget... it turned out to be one of the most memorable days in my life. A day I doubt I will forget. From the whispers of the girls around the campus, you always remember your first, even to your dying day.
...I know not when my dying day will be, but so far, it is holding up.
I can feel my cheeks flush... and my heart race... and I can feel myself... twitching down there, as I had to Souka's touch. My brain is trying to urge a hand to move down there, to cup, to touch, to experience the same exhilaration that Souka had inflicted upon it...
But I should not think about that. Souka is not here, so there is nobody else to do that with, even if I desired it. Me touching it would be... fairly pointless, if someone else is not there to do the rest, right...?
I regretfully shake these newfound thoughts and desires out of my head, and return to a book I have chosen to read. It is about a young woman who is starting her life over.
It is perhaps 10:30 or so when I decided to put the book down for the night, having read a chapter or two. Good. If I fall asleep by 11 PM, I can get six hours of sleep if I wake up at my normal time, six and a half if I indulge myself a little, or seven if I take only an extremely quick shower. I suppose it will depend on how I feel when the alarm rings at 5 AM, assuming I do not wake before and no longer feel tired.
I do know, for a fact, that short of death or a disease that cripples me, I will not miss going to class tomorrow for the world. Even if a regional branch head of the Tohno died, I would be delaying my trip until I could talk with her. I have been wanting to talk to Souka ever since I awoke... I can only hope she is there early tomorrow, as well.
I walk over to my bathroom, and I begin to strip out of my new clothing I had purchased. While it was nice and comfortable, it is not something to sleep in.
Once I strip completely to near-complete nudity, I cannot help but look down. My nipples seem to be somewhat stiffened, and my skin seems to be slightly flushed.
I blush at my body's own reactions.
More importantly, I blush at the fact that my body is reacting so... readily. I, It is just me... there is no reason whatsoever for it to react the way that it is. I am not an object of sexual desire, so my body should not arouse from seeing what I have seen hundreds, if not thousands, of times in the mirror by now...
…...But the body never does listen to reason, does it?
The mind of the body is a different place from the mind of the soul... and not even I can escape the fact that from a biological point of view, all my body wants right now is... sexual things and desires.
For some reason, Souka seemed to really like it. How it reacted. The cries that came out of my throat. The involuntary movements. The smell of that place... of my private areas... seemed to drive her into a frenzy of lust. I was too out of it to notice it myself, but in my bathroom, I can notice the faint odor.
…...An odd thought crosses my head. It makes me blush. Why would I ever do something like that...? Smell another girl there...?
I lower my underwear and sit on my toilet, and sigh. As I do, I cannot help but look down, and notice that my anatomy is... still a little reddened from Friday, and remembering Friday actually makes it quiver slightly.
I feel even more heat rise to my face and, specifically, my cheeks. Hopefully, the need to urinate will take away some of this feeling. I take a deep breath, relax, and wait for it to begin.
A few moments later, relief begins to course through my body, and I feel the liquid flowing out from me... but sadly, that does not reduce this sensation between my legs.
…...…...
…...I press my thighs together to try to reduce it. This is uncomfortable. Just... go away, please...
The sound of liquid waste filling the toilet is audible in here, but it is not relieving the craving. If anything... it is... making it worse...
...Then, I've thought about Souka too much, and now my body is expecting the sort of relief that she provided to it. It is not looking for the removal of bodily wastes... it is looking for a sexual relief. A release of the tension it has built up. Looking down at my anatomy made me remember what we did last Friday... and remembering it has altered my body's state into this...
I... cannot believe this. She is not here, so stop... there is no point in feeling this way...
…...And yet... it does not stop, even as my liquid waste does.
I sigh in frustration, spread my thighs a little to give my hand easier access, and carefully gather toilet paper to wipe the fluids. I fold it over upon itself twice, and then begin to wipe.
"Kha–?ǃ"
An involuntary cry comes out of my throat, and I shiver furiously like I was dying of cold as I wipe. For some reason, my body is INCREDIBLY sensate there at this moment...
I look down upon myself carefully. The... labia, I think... have become slightly swollen and reddened. The clitoris is sticking out a little, and I can tell it is twitching slightly with the beat of my heart. But they are not the only things I notice that has become strangely altered.
It is…... a fluid?
But, it is not urine. Urine would not have this sort of sticky, stringy consistency. It is certainly not blood. And it cannot be saliva.
…...Then... it must be arousal fluids... mine...?
...From... wiping myself? I thought women only supposed to produce this when they want to have sex...?
…...Is my body seriously suggesting that it wants me to have sex while I am in a bathroom? Where... people go to eliminate all of the things their bodies have no uses for...?
...No. That is just too weird. I very carefully dab up the fluids with some more toilet paper, until I detect no more, and get changed into my clean underwear and nightgown. I walk back into my bedroom, and curl up into my bed, closing my eyes, doing my best to ignore the pangs of discomfort my body is forced to go through.
It wants something. It wants anything. But... I have nothing it can be offered, so I will just have to suffer through with these feelings, until they go away... or until I fall asleep.
It is warm. It hugs me, as it always has. There is no doubt that with this level of comfort, I shall fall into a deep sleep before I know it.
And tonight, I will dream of Nii-san. Just as Len said that I could. I close my eyes, and think of him... and only him…...…
...Nii-san... I will see you tonight. I promise...
…...…...There is a knock at my bedroom door. At this time of night...? Probably Hisui, or Yumizuka-san.
My eyes open up, and I sit up slightly. "Yes? Who is it...?"
"Akiha... can I come in for a minute?"
…...Nii-san...?
"...O... of course," I say. "Please, come in."
The door opens, and Nii-san enters. His wounds have healed rather nicely, and he seems to be no longer limping. For this, I am relieved. He came home in rather bad shape, but now that he has a full life, he heals about twice as fast as he used to, and since his body was so used to healing with half of a life, it has accelerated his healing to be at the peak of human limits. Perhaps even slightly faster.
"What is it, Nii-san? I am attempting to go to sleep, so please do not take too much time." I look at him, carefully, resting my hands in my lap.
He walks over, and sits on the foot of my bed. He appears to have some kind of heavy burden troubling him. "Akiha..." he sighs a bit. "...Akiha, how can you do it?"
"Eh? Do... what, Nii-san?" I blink, confused.
"How can you put up with me and all of the things I do? I lie to you, I ignore you, sometimes I don't even really think about you, so why...?" Like an out-of-control faucet, Nii-san sprays his worries, doubts, and fears all over, unable to hold them back any longer.
...But why, he asks? That is a very simple answer.
It is because I love you and want to be with you. Forever.
That is what I want to say. But... Nii-san does not see me in that way outside of dreams, so...
I sigh, and offer a half-truth, to try to assuage my own apology to myself. "It is... because that is what a sister does for a brother, Nii-san. She supports him even if she does not like the decisions he makes. A family must be on the same page if they are going to be there for each other, so even though you have fallen in love with Kohaku, I shall always love you, too."
...I would like to finish it with "...in all the ways a woman can love you, Nii-san," but I know he will not hear it... or worse, will misinterpret it. So I force that part of the sentence to stay in my brain. What I have told him is close enough to the truth without it being the actual truth.
He smiles at my words just the same, however. Nii-san's smile is... radiant. It fits him so well.
"Akiha... you've given me a lot, you know... I haven't given you much, though." He sheepishly confesses with a sigh. It is almost as if I can hear him say "I guess it cannot be helped."
I look at him, and cross my arms slightly. Well, at least he is honest with himself. More importantly, he is acknowledging the one-sided nature of this relationship that we seem to share. I give, I give, and I give, and I receive, on occasion, a smile or a compliment. But past that...
"Well, that is true to an extent, Nii-san," I announce to him, with a sigh of displeasure, closing my eyes and looking away from him. "You have happily left me on my own and broken my rules without my permission, so why do y–"
My speech is interrupted by a kiss on the lips.
My eyes widen as I realize that.
My heart stops beating. I can hear the blood inside of my body swirl completely, like a lake undergoing a seiche.
Nii-san and I have kissed before... I remember when we were kids, he once kissed me on the forehead in the garden, so why...
…...…Why does my heart stop like this from a simple kiss?
Because it is him, isn't it...?
That is the only thought my brain can process.
His lips, pressed against mine. Warm. Soft. Full. Just like they were nine years ago.
His hands embrace me. Carefully. Slowly. Lovingly. Protectively.
I feel the heat in my body rise. Just from this... just from this, it feels like...
...Like I did with Souka...
Nii-san breaks away from me. I had hoped it would last forever. Tohno Akiha could have died in Nii-san's arms then and there, and it would have been a happy, peaceful death, with no regrets or complaints.
He looks at me, with bright, gray eyes due to his glasses. I look back at him, with eyes that are blue and filled perhaps slightly with tears. My breathing has quickened, and to compensate for stopping for a moment, my heart resumes its beat, beating faster to catch up for those few moments that Tohno Akiha had died.
"Akiha..." The simple, quiet declaration of a name.
"...Nii-san..." The similarly simple, quiet declaration of someone for whom a name is not respectful enough.
His lips once more seal over mine, and he kisses me more deeply, more fully... and I find my body's resistance all but gone.
As we settle back on the bed, lips still pressed, bodies still embraced, heat surely rising within both of us, only one conclusion can be reached in my mind.
Nii-san... and I... are... about to have sex…...
I... Is this real...?
Am... am I really going to...?
Are me and him... going to do... that...?
Next Week (3/27/11) – Chapter 43: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy, Part II"