Chapter 46: "Inner Shade"
I walk to the dorm, and unlock it with my keys. I enter quietly.
"Mornin', Tohno."
...And find a smiling Tsukihime Souka waiting at the table like she'd planned this all along.
"Yo," she says, with a bit of a grin on her face, eating some salad that is in front of her.
My heart, along with my footsteps, stop dead.
She laughs a bit. "C'mon, Tohno. Shut and lock the door. How are we gonna talk if you're standin' there like a statue?"
Her words bring me back to my senses. "R-Right," I say as I set my bag down and shut and lock the door. I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks already.
"Had a feeling you'd be showing up here. I knew you would when you didn't show up this morning." She grins. "So I figured I'd sit and have my lunch in here. Good to know you're as predictable as ever, Tohno."
"Y-Yeah..." It is all my mind can manage as I pull my lunch out of the fridge. My "backup" in case I do not have time to have a lunch prepared, for days such as today. I sit down.
Souka looks at me and grins. "You feelin' okay? You're as red as your dress back home, Tohno."
"I-I'm not!" I stammer out.
Souka simply laughs. "Don't worry. It's okay. I'd be too, if I were you on Friday..."
I feel the heat rise even more to my cheeks at her words.
...Friday.
The day where everything changed forever.
Where a good friend had become... more than that.
When my way of thinking was forced to be change... through manipulation that felt so good, it's almost selfish to enjoy it.
When, in a way, the old me died... because the old me would never question herself, or her motives. And the new me was born... the one who seemingly is constantly doing those very things.
"Y... I cannot believe you did that, Souka... but... at the same time... I should have seen something like that coming. Only you would have the guts to do that..."
"Ain't it the truth." She laughs slightly and sticks her fork in some salad, putting it in her mouth. "I've been thinking about doing that for awhile, ya know. Just had to find the right place and time... and that seemed like it. So I went for broke."
...And it worked. The resistance I had quickly melted when she got to the right places... said the right things... did the right actions.
In its place... feelings of wanton lust and desire, despite myself. Despite not wanting it at first, before long, all my body could do was crave more and more of it... until it all but openly communicated its desires, with strange, animal sounds from my throat... and fluids from a place that most people should not see.
"...And I hated it at first, and wanted to get away from you, but I–"
"–But after awhile, you weren't caring, were you?" Souka finishes my sentence.
...No. I did not care.
…...No, more than that... I could not care. By that time, even if Nii-san, or Hisui, or even Inui Arihiko had walked in and witnessed that scene... I would have been more frustrated with the stimulation stopping, rather than my own modesty or embarrassment at my genitalia being so open for display.
Furthermore... I know deep down that in that state... if they would have wanted to do something... I would not have resisted in the slightest. If... If anything, I would have probably pulled my labia apart, and watched as they crawled between my legs, to insert fingers or a penis…...
I feel my cheeks flushing deeply with blood at these thoughts... E, Even now, they are causing my body to heat up, and that increasingly-familiar heat is simmering in my stomach.
"...No, I... I wanted... it..." I blush hard at my words.
Souka grins slightly. No, more than slightly... she grins like death itself. "It's okay to admit that you liked it, you know. You certainly looked like you were. I took a look at your face as I licked you and it was so hot that I felt my clit throb and just couldn't take it anymore."
S... She did what...?ǃ
The blood, which had been flowing from my cheeks, quickly returns to them. "I... That look... pleased you...?"
"Pleased me?" Souka looks at me as if I'd grossly understated something. "It was fucking hot, Tohno. You have no idea how hot you look when you're aroused, you know that?"
"I-Idiot, if I knew I wouldn't be asking you, would I?ǃ " I feel my hands slap down at the edge of the table as I stand up out of my seat.
Souka laughs. "Eh, you got a point. I keep forgettin' you're new to this stuff. But... was it as good for me as it was for you, hmmmmm?" She gives me a look that pierces straight through my soul.
"Ah... w-well..." I try to find the words. The words that I have yet to find that describe how it felt.
...Good.
That is the one that kept going through my head when it was happening. Over and over. Good. Good. Good. That licking is good. That touching is good. That kissing is good. That sucking is good. Those fingers inside me are good. My whole body feels good...
...And hot.
Heat surged through me with everything she did. All those touches, all those kisses, everything caused me to shiver, shake, and eventually sweat.
"Just be honest, Tohno. Don't think about the right words... just say how it felt." She smiles and lifts another forkful of salad to her mouth.
"Well... okay then..." I sigh, and open my can of Iced Tea and take a swig before I begin, as besides settling my throat, it also gives me a few more seconds to compose myself. "Well, at first, as I said, it was bizarre, but before long, my body began to feel hot... and good... each thing you did made it feel more hot and good... and after awhile, my brain couldn't even think clearly... or at all when you... curled your tongue..."
...That thing.
That one, specific act, killed even my thoughts.
I could think of nothing but the feeling of bumpy, moist tongue, completely encircling and lightly sucking on the highly sensitive lump of flesh that was trapped within.
...If one looks at it from a sort of a different perspective... my clitoris was the penis, and Souka's curled tongue was the vagina.
…...It's little wonder that I lost all thought and could not help but orgasm almost immediately.
Souka grins, practically beaming with pride. "Yeah. Best way to finish a girl off. My secret weapon. Curl your tongue around her clit and pretend her clit's a cock, and your tongue's the pussy, and fuck it. It worked, didn't it? You came so hard it got all over my top."
I blush furiously at her words. If any more blood enters my head, I think it will pop off of my shoulders and leave a terrific mess.
Such... unladylike words. They are not words I should be surprised that I am hearing from the mouth of Tsukihime Souka, to be completely honest...
...And yet, I am.
They are words she, nor I, should ever be saying. I... I did not say those words...
...But I did say "Cum." To Nii-san. And not just that, but to do it inside of me. Even... even though I do not want to be pregnant yet, my mind was gone, and all I knew is that I wanted to feel him ejaculate into me, to make me his, to know he was trying to impregnate me...
…...And when he did, a violent finish ripped viciously through my body. My vagina, squeezing... no, almost milking him. Coaxing his release further. Encouraging as much of his semen out of his body and into my womb as it possibly could... to maximize my chances of pregnancy.
But... I should be okay... I bled two weeks ago, so I am fine for now.
"I... I'm sorry... Ah, I didn't intend to do that, so if I soiled your clothing, please forgive me... I, I'll pay for the dry-cleaning debts...!"
"FORGIVE you?ǃ Tohno, it was so fucking hot watching you come that I came right after you did." Souka looks... shocked...? "Why would I want to clean that? Heh... at least not until the smell leaves it..."
...I blush hard at the thought of Souka having an orgasm as I was having mine.
My mind easily recalls the images. Souka, with her top undone, unzipped. Nipples, sticking out.
A hand between her legs, rubbing passionately.
Sweet, quiet gasps and grunts coming from her throat.
Then... my release hitting her on accident... a faster, frenzied rubbing, until she stops, and her thighs clamp on her hand, her breath held in her lungs, a look of agony and yet desire on her face, as fluids begin to drip off her fingers, down to her underwear...
I... wish I could have seen it for real...
...But why do I wish to see that...?
More importantly... why... did she like the fact that I released on her...?
"Was... was it good, Souka?" It is the only question my mind can almost stupidly ask.
"Considerin' you're my friend and I had a feeling it was your first time? You were fine. More than fine, in fact, because it made me glad to know I was making you feel good." She smiles. "The look on your face... it was worth it just to see that, Tohno."
"I-I see," I say. "You were gone before I woke up, so..."
"Oh, yeah," she says. "I knew you'd pass out, if that really was your first... plus you came damn hard even if it wasn't. Well... you passed out... I cleaned you up, made you presentable, and I got that maid. Uh, Kohaku, I think her name was. She said to leave it to her. Nice woman."
"Yes, she is," I say somewhat flatly. Souka has no idea that Kohaku drugged me, it seems.
...But.
If she hadn't, then in a weird way it might have shattered the relationship Souka and I have. I would have gotten away and probably ordered her to leave my home, and instead of eating lunch together, we probably would not want to talk to each other, so...
...Maybe it's Kohaku's subtle way of saying to keep an open mind, too. Even if her methods are unusual and contradictory to most people, her thinking is in the right place, more or less. Maybe... it's her way of apologizing for taking Nii-san. Her logic works this way, sometimes...
"So... did you like it, Tohno?" She looks at me as she takes a sip of her drink. Orange Juice, from the looks of it.
"W-Well..." I feel the color surge forth to my cheeks.
"Yesssssss?" She eyes me like a bird of prey.
…...To say I did not like it would be a very vicious lie, but...
...Is it wrong to have liked that? No... didn't I ask myself this question before and answer it myself?
Just... stop it, Akiha. Be honest... is that not what Otou-sama told you...?
"...I... cannot say I did not like it..." I say it as meekly and humbly as is possible when one admits she enjoyed such an activity, regardless of how wrong it was morally. It is like watching a bloodsport... satisfying the animal portions of the human mind, even if the brain does not want to acknowledge that part.
To which, Souka grins. "Had a feelin' you would or I wouldn't have pulled it. It definitely looked like you were, or I probably wouldn't have even dared. You need to find a way to relieve stress more, Tohno. That's as good a way as any."
"...But it requires someone. I, ah, cannot exactly ask Hisui to do that, and Kohaku... well... she had some bad experiences and I will leave it at that. So..."
"...So you want me to give you head every so often, is that it?"
"S-SOUKA‼! Don't state it like that, that's so... vulgar!"
She laughs. "Jeez. I even get you off and you're still embarrassed by it, Tohno. Screw thinkin' about if it's right or wrong or if it's good or bad or not. Your body'll let ya know if you like it or not. Just accept it for what it is, ya know?"
...I suppose she does have a point if one thinks it through logically.
After all, everyone likes and dislikes certain things. Nii-san generally dislikes western snacks and food most of the time, but I am more tolerant of western style dishes. Then of course there are things such as clothing. I prefer dresses, Souka likes pants, and only dons a skirt because she must for our uniforms. Although, I think she looks better in a skirt than she gives herself credit for.
Then... if one likes something... regardless of what it is... should they simply be allowed to enjoy it?
No... such language is dangerous. If it is murder... should they be allowed to kill? Of course not. If it is sexuality, fine... but what if it is with a child? Or someone invalid? Or someone senile...? All are disgusting, generally speaking.
...But that is not what she is trying to say, I think.
No, she is merely telling me that if I enjoy the activity... and it is legal... and no harm comes out of it... then, what is the problem?
And... in that...
"...I suppose you have a point," I finish my thought. "But still... it would be a lot more acceptable if you were a male..."
"Heh... you're telling me that just because I'm a girl, that it's less okay than if it were a boy licking ya?" Souka gives her usual, cocky grin.
"N-No, that is not what I am saying at all...!" I manage to stammer out.
"Tongue is tongue, Tohno. So are fingers. If you were blindfolded and someone did that to you, would you know if it were a male or a female?" Souka smiles, her expression turning almost... catlike.
...Well, of course if I could not see them, I would not know if they were male or female based upon that... well, maybe, as males tend to have somewhat more body hair and generally more squared fingers than a female would, but... for the most part...
"...Well... probably not, until I felt facial hair or heard their voice or something..." I am forced to admit.
"Exactly. And besides, what you do in your home is your business, not anybody else's. So what's it matter if a girl eats you out now and again? Considering how much stress it relieves, it's worth it." She eats another forkful of salad, as if this conversation were perfectly normal and natural for two friends to have.
The problem is, it is not! Most girls would not dare to discuss such... awful, carnal things as this! It... well, it is not something so casually discussed! The way Souka makes it sound, it makes it sound like everyone is some sort of lecherous pervert, crazed with lust, and thinking of nothing but fulfilling their own awful, carnal needs!
But yet... the way Souka spoke of such sexual matters so smoothly... she speaks from experience, from the sound of it.
"...How did you figure that out, Souka? That, erm... that you liked... you know..." I blush, being unable to complete the sentence.
"Honestly?" She sits back and stretches for a moment, as she searches her memory. "One day when I was about eight I was sweeping up the shrine. I got bored so I pretended to be a witch riding a broom. I noticed after awhile it felt funny when I moved the broom against my body between my legs. It felt weird, but in a good way, so I kept doing it... until dad found me, anyway. He wasn't very happy. Needless to say, mom took me aside and gave me 'the talk.'" She laugh a bit in embarrassment.
...The talk. Of course. Even Otou-sama and I had "the talk." About sex. About what a man and a woman do to create a child.
All I really learned from Otou-sama regarding "the talk" is the importance of an heir. Nothing about how a woman could do it to another woman, or how intense it could feel, or how much I would crave for that stimulation once I'd experienced it... not a whisper, of any of it.
Souka... well, Souka was raised similar to me, but even more harshly. It is why, despite being a woman of the same social class as myself, she shuns expectations of "nobility" and such. Souka dressed casual, acts casual, talks casual, and could eat even the cheapest of instant food without throwing up, somehow. She is the sort of person a common person could approach, and talk to, without fear.
...I envy that on her, really.
I... want to be more accessible to more people. While I like my reputation just fine, at the same time, I would also like for kouhai to be able to approach me if there is a very serious problem that needs my help. To this day.. I cannot be that person, and it is somewhat annoying.
"So long story short... mom said I shouldn't be doing that out where people could see me, but in my room, it was perfectly okay. So I discovered what my body liked and went from there. The older I got, the more I found myself attracted to girls... especially pretty ones like you and Hanei and Seo." She smiles.
I blink. Me? Pretty...? Attractive, sure, but... pretty...?
Why... would I be pretty...?
There is nothing attractive about me or Seo. I mean, we have no real womanly curves, or much in the way of breasts to speak of.
I-I do not get it. Is that not attractiveness?
"I could see Hanei, but... why me and Seo?" I have to ask.
"Seo? Well, she's a cute little thing. Peppy. Cheerful. I kinda like that about her. As for you? You're gorgeous, Tohno. You've got an attractiveness to you, even though you're not some big-boobed knockout like Hanei. It's not about what you got, but how you use it, you know?"
...Not really. I do not see why someone would prefer smaller sizes. Evolution favored larger breasts and rears as indicators of a fertile female, so... why would she want someone smaller? I have no breasts, and my arms are a bit long, and my stomach is not as thin as it probably should be...
Yet... I am still attractive...?
I do not understand. I do not understand Souka at all here. While I certainly do not think of myself as hideous or ugly... I am also not exactly the type who would have men chasing after her and trying to woo her.
It would take a... well, a very open-minded man to try for something like that, and even if I were able to find such a person, they would not be able to approach me due to my heritage... if I inverted... and returned to my mind to find myself staring at their shredded corpse... I think I would lose all of my sanity then and there, immediately, forever.
"I figured if you would have done this to anyone, it would be Hanei, and not to me, Souka. After all, is Hanei not attractive...?" I ask honestly.
"Eh, I dunno," she says with a bit of a scratch of her head. "Hanei's a knockout, but I don't know if she'd go for something like this. She might not understand it, or worse, misinterpret it. I wouldn't wanna put that on her. 'sides, you know how the girl seems to think we're gonna rape each other... heh, couldn't you see it? 'Sou-chan raped me, Akiha-chan! It was good!' You woulda had my head on a platter within an hour," she says with a laugh.
...Well, true. If Hanei HAD come up to me and said that, in her usual cheery voice, I probably would have choked on whatever I were eating, or spit out whatever I were drinking, and no doubt have confronted Souka like a woman possessed. Obviously, there are very few male staff at Asagami, but that does not mean female-on-female rape would be impossible, either.
"I see," I say. It is a rational explanation. "Then... you identify fully as lesbian? No matter what sort of men you know in your life, one could never love you that way?"
"...Hm." She says as she bites her lip slightly, her eyes rolling upward slightly as she mulls my words. "...Honestly? I wouldn't say never. Most guys aren't jerks or anything, but I'd have to find one that understands me, ya know? If he wants some submissive housewife crap, he's out of the running. On the other hand, if he were cool with me being me, and wasn't expecting some passive thing who'll just feed him, then fuck him? I'd give it a shot, at least. After all, ya never know who ya love until you try it, right?"
…...Tsukihime Souka demonstrates that even under the casual, relaxed exterior, there is a surprisingly sharp, intelligent mind.
"...And liking both is okay?" I ask.
"...Huh? Yeah, sure, of course it is. Of course, don't be sleeping around on someone if you get them, but it's not like liking both guys and girls is wrong. Well, some will say it is, but screw 'em." She dismisses this criticism with a wave of her hand. "Just be happy with someone, Tohno. Boy or girl, it don't really matter, if ya ask me. You're only on this planet for a short time... so ya might as well find someone who makes ya happy, and spend time with them, because one day, your time is up and so is theirs, and ya don't want to be dyin' and regrettin' your choices, right?"
...Souka has a very good point. "...I see..." Then... how I feel is okay, I guess...
"...It's because you're thinking you're bi now, huh?"
"...Eh? Bi...?" I blink.
"Yeah. Bisexual. Means you like both guys and girls. I guess I did REALLY good if I got you thinking like that!" She laughs, slightly pridefully.
"I... I'm still not sure if that's... for me, so to say," I confess.
"Well, tell you what, Tohno... if you decide that's for you, and I'm not busy..." ...She licks her lips.
"H-huh?" I blink as I look at her.
"Isn't it obvious, Tohno?" She looks at me... almost like she wants to pounce.
...I get the message.
It means that... if I really want to, Tsukihime Souka will continue this altered friendship, the one that has corrupted itself into its current state.
...One where she will strip me and happily pleasure my body until I achieve orgasm, again and again, until I cannot take it anymore...
"...I-I'll consider it," I say a little nervously.
She grins a bit as she usually does, and she points lightly at my lunch with her fork. "Good to hear, good to hear. After all, I wouldn't wanna force that on ya... but for now, get eatin', Tohno. Unless you wanna be one hungry girl for the rest of the day...?"
I look down at my food. I realize I have not touched it since I sat down except for the sip of Iced Tea. My stomach growls, as if to confirm this fact.
"...Of course not. R-right," I say, and I mumble "Itadakimasu" to myself as I begin to eat.
...Bisexuality.
It is certainly something I had not considered before...
Liking both men and women...? Is... that possible...?
Next Week (4/24/11) – Chapter 47: "The Name for Thinking by the Window is..."