Chapter 47: "The Name for Thinking by the Window is..."
The rest of the day... it is such a blur. I scarcely remember any of it.
In fact... I do not even really remember coming home, or what happened when I did. I am sure Hisui greeted me, and maybe Yumizuka-san, but I cannot remember.
Instead, I just find myself sitting by the open window in my room.
Thinking.
Thinking by the window.
And I cannot put the name on how I feel right now. There... There is conflict, and emotions, and questions, and desires, and hopes, and wishes, and dreams...
It is almost too much for one person's mind to handle. Even if that mind is used to juggling several things at once such as my own. Questions upon questions. Answers that depend on answers that depend on yet more questions.
I understand Souka now. I understand why she did it. She must have seen how much Seo's doujinshi was affecting me mentally, and figured someone had to step up, so to speak, and that it may as well be her.
...Her ideas on how to change it are certainly very unorthodox... and very, very effective.
What sort of friend would dare to be so... physically intimate? That she would go from being a roommate and a friend, to someone sexual?
...Tsukihime Souka, that is who.
Souka was never the type to follow "normal" rules or conventions. It had part to do with her identity of an individual making a choice for themselves, and refusing to be bound or shackled by society's expectations. If Tsukihime Souka is going to do something, it is because she wants to do it... and for no other reason whatsoever.
That is why she did to me what she did to me. Because she wanted to do that to me. There was no ulterior motive, no real reason to corrupt her friend... she simply felt she was lonely, and sexually frustrated, and took it upon herself to give me a good time, as one could say.
She wanted me to feel that, to experience that. And not just feel and experience it... but feel and experience it from someone I knew. Someone I trusted.
…...Someone I would not really resist.
That is a key factor, of course. Were this some stranger, I would have resisted immediately. Were I not comfortable in her presence, I would have not allowed things to get to that level. Instead, thanks to my comfort around her, and perhaps a little bit of Kohaku... making things happen, I either allowed it, or was simply too out of my mind to think about disallowing it.
"Still... it felt nice..." The admission comes freely out of my mouth.
I... I have to admit that it did. I must admit that the more I think about it... the more I realize that I liked how that felt. Even if Souka was a female.
Because, in the end, that is just a part of why she did it.
Tsukihime Souka simply cares for me. For her friend, living a very different life. But despite our differences, we have similarities...
...A desire for love. To experience it, to feel it... to give it.
I want to give it. To Nii-san. And... maybe I did. I do not know. I am a bit afraid to confirm that...
...And yet I can feel the heat building in my stomach from thinking about it. Hear that thought in the back of my mind that is whispering "Go ahead and do it."
As if encouraging me that this was a perfectly natural, rational, even logical decision.
I sigh and shake the thoughts out of my head. I cannot focus on them now. I have to think about myself.
Can... no, does... no... is Tohno Akiha bisexual?
...Such a simple question. It could be answered by a yes or a no. But... I do not know the answer to it. Sitting by this window is not bringing me the answer, even though it is quite after dark, I notice. Well, of course. It is November. The sun is setting before 5 PM now.
My enemies will be stronger, as a result. They have more time to be active. And increased activity, of course, means that I need to take some precautions, such as serums for infectious bites.
...I can die at any time fighting them. And, I do not want to die without having experienced love.
I think I am feeling this towards Tsukihime Souka, but... I really need more time to feel it out, to see if it is, indeed, true love, or just a desire for attachment, from knowing her and accepting her presence and impact on my life for all of these years.
There is more to love than procreation. I realize that now. It is not merely about making heirs, even if that is all Otou-sama told me.
Rather... it is about giving someone moments of happiness, even if they are both more brief than either of you would like. The ability to come home from your stresses, your worries, your troubles...
...To someone who will welcome you with open arms, and make your heart feel just a little bit better with a smile, or a reassurance.
...This is what Tohno Akiha lacks. For years, her love was put onto Nii-san. A Nii-san that could not be there for her, but just keeping him in her thoughts was good enough. Keeping him alive, and braving the pain of it... to me, that was love, and in that, I found solace.
Then... is my contemplating this choice acceptable? I sigh as I sit back slightly, feeling a chilly breeze blow through my hair. I consider, briefly, getting on my heavier winter coat, but ultimately, I change my mind, and enjoy the chilly breeze for what it is.
Well, let us look at it realistically, first of all. publicly, the head of the Tohno having a female lover would be scandalous. Possibly the only thing more scandalous would be "incestuous" love for her brother.
...And yet.
…...Whose business is it that they check up whom I decide to love? Tohno Akiha or not... I still have feelings. I do not express them very often as I partially do not like to, and partially because Otou-sama steered me away from that.
...But, the only people to whom it should matter whom I love is myself, and whomever I fall in love with. Whether it is Nii-san, or Souka, or whoever... it would be our private lives, and our private business.
Therefore, whom I love is my matter, and the matter of the person I love, and nobody else should have the right to tell me who I can, and cannot, have.
...Yes. Balancing this all may be difficult, but a Tohno does not accept failure, and my private life is nobody's public business. If I have to put on an external appearance, that is fine, but my heart is mine and mine alone except for those whom I share it with.
Then, it's settled.
"...I am bisexual, it seems."
It comes out of my throat surprisingly easy once I allow it to.
If I can accept that it is my choice whom I love or not, there is no reason to not accept a female as my lover, despite what others say.
Because... love is love. And we should all be entitled to seek it from whomever we choose, whether they are the same gender as we are or not.
Really... why does our society place such an emphasis on it being "right" or "wrong" to love another if they are of the same sex? It is much more of an issue in the western world than here, but there is still a stigma of mistrust, of it being "forbidden."
...Just as my love for Nii-san would be.
You cannot help whom you fall in love with. Even if it is the person whom you thought would be least likely to be your partner in that way... the mind works in some very strange and odd ways sometimes. For most, there would be any number of potential partners.
For most, it is simply a matter of finding someone who has the same interests and desires as you do, and making them work, together, mutually benefiting both participants.
For me... the choices are significantly narrower.
Of course I would be Nii-san's wife if he asked, but... if he does not, I want someone in my life. Someone who I can look forward to seeing, to feeling. Someone whom will just accept me for what I am. Someone who could see all that I am, and everything that I could never be.
And, right now, there are only three other people I could see filling that void.
...Seo Akira, Misawa Hanei, and... Tsukihime Souka.
Souka would be the most obvious choice. She very obviously has an interest in me, but... is that interest only of a friend, or is it one of a lover? I think that Souka cares for me deeply as a friend, but... as a lover, I honestly am unsure. Though... having her by my side would be... nice.
...Then, what about Hanepin? She is gorgeous, but... that is the problem. While she is gorgeous, and I am certain she would be 100% faithful, her mentality, or rather, the occasional lack thereof... that is a problem. The last thing I need to be doing is explaining to Hanei why my hair turns red whenever I work myself up...
...So that leaves Seo. But is Seo emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship? She is only fifteen - well, almost sixteen, in two more months. She generally still acts whimsical and is childlike at times. But yet... by doing those very things, I envy her sometimes.
My childhood was, for all intents and purposes, dead at the age of eight, when Nii-san had his accident and then father had him move. I... I had no real time to be a girl anymore. I had to become a woman, immediately... and not just a woman, but a successor.
The child, Tohno Akiha, died, and the heir, Tohno Akiha, was born.
And for another eight, nine years, she was able to live that way because she had to. Because it was necessary to ensure her survival, and the survival of the Tohno. Because she needed to live for someone, even if that someone did not and would not ever know.
...And that all changed due to Friday.
Because after Friday, she realized just how much she valued her life being different from how it was. How important it would be to look at things from alternate views, alternate perspectives.
I must admit... getting out of my head for yesterday, even though it was not as long as I would have liked... it was oddly... thrilling. The clothes. The food. It had its own admirable aspects. So it was not as refined as what I usually wear or eat... but it was still comfortable, and I did enjoy the hot dog.
Simply walking around, and having Seo and Hanei with me... it was enjoyable, in a simple, pure way. I paid a good deal of money that day, but in the end... their smiles were repayment enough, and for some reason I cannot fully explain, I felt content with that being my payment, as opposed to hard currency.
...I could have done without being forced to reveal myself to Seo, though.
While what had happened inside the haunted house was simply a freak accident, it is still not something I would have willingly done. The fact that Seo's life was on the line forced me into action, and panic forced me to divulge that side of myself. It was either that, or risk my friend becoming paraplegic... and I would not be able to live with myself if I knew that my pride or fright at the revelation would result in permanent harm to her.
So... I said, possibly for the first time in my life, that my friends were more important than keeping my secret. And thus, Seo Akira can walk today.
I do not have regrets over doing that though. While I did the best I could to skirt around her questions, I know Seo is not a stupid girl. She knows very well how serious I treat things, so I suppose that in some way, my quasi-explanation of what the Tohno really are is serving as a test, a test of how well she can keep a very deep secret of mine indeed.
Because if she cannot, I will literally kill her, unless she kills me. If she outs me as a demon, I will become one, just as she requested. I meet force equally, so how hard my reaction is, depends on how firm the accusation is.
But the truth of the matter is... Tohno Akiha is not a full-blooded human. Even if blackness completely consumed her heart, she can never be as monstrous as one who rose from the very cracks of hell,for she is only part demon. She will not have the extended lifespan of a full demon. At best, she will have a normal human lifespan.
At worst... seven or eight more years, although in theory I could have a myocardial infarction and drop dead right now. It will not happen, of course; I keep my body in good shape, but still... Oka-sama died very young, but she was a full human, as opposed to me. A pure human body will always be more frail than mine, and I can take blows that would kill a human. Likewise, it takes more violence in order to seriously damage me.
I stand up and open the doors as I walk out to the balcony, looking up. The blue of the day has been replaced by the black of night, with tiny little spots of light blinking like tiny little eyes. Each of them, looking down at me as I look back up at them. Dancing in the black sky, like little fireflies around a tree.
"...I guess it cannot be helped," I say with a sigh, but a slight smile.
Yes. That is what I am now. This is me. This is who I want Tohno Akiha to be from now on.
Someone who can accept either a male... or a female... as a lover. Because, Tohno Akiha wants to love, and be loved. Regardless of what gender it is. Not even the fear of her secret becoming known is as much of a detriment as it once was... because, well, if worse came to worse, I could kill them... or have them killed. After all, the Tohno are a family with powerful connections, so it would not be too hard for me to find some assassins to hire if necessary...
…...No, what am I thinking? I doubt my friends would reveal that side of me. Even if they did... who would believe them? Only a handful of people in the world would find something strange with my blood, compared to most humans. To a regular hospital, my blood, while uncommon, is certainly not impossible to find, if only because they don't know what genes to check for that shows one is actually not fully human at all.
Tohno Akiha has learned that she cannot truly live a solitary existence any longer. Well, it was not fully solitary, with Hisui and Kohaku and Nii-san here, but it was about as solitary as an existence can get while maintaining communication with the outside worl–
I am startled by someone touching me. I whirl around. It is Hisui.
"...Akiha-sama? Is everything okay?" She looks at me worriedly. I sigh, as I try to calm myself down.
"...It is not your fault, Hisui. I have just been thinking of things. Do you... have a moment to share your opinion with me regarding something...?" I ask her directly.
"...Eh...?" She blinks, looking slightly stunned, no doubt by the sudden question being laid out. "...O, Of course, Akiha-sama. What do you want to ask me?"
I swallow my pride. If... If I truly do love both men and women, then, I must be able to say it to Hisui. "Well... last Friday, ah, something happened, and since then I have been thinking..."
She looks at me. "Of course. You're referring to the sex you and Souka-san had, yes?" She says this with a perfectly straight face, as if she had known this all along.
"H-HISUIǃ?" Who told her?ǃ? They're going to regret this immedia–
"...I was the one who cleaned you up, Akiha-sama," Hisui says with a deep, noticeable blush. "It was impossible not to notice..."
...Hisui cleaning me? That means that she... s-saw my private parts, and...
"...Y-You did?ǃ But Souka said she got Kohaku and–"
"–and Nee-san got me," she says calmly, although the blush in her cheeks begins to noticeably deepen.
Surely not nearly as deep as mine must be. I can feel the heat streaming from them.
Hisui. Hisui is someone whom both Kohaku and I wanted to protect from such... corruption. Kohaku had a far better reason than I to do it, I admit, and as noble as my intentions are, I do not think I would be able to endure nightly rape, as she had, just to protect her sister's purity and innocence.
…...More than that... I do not even know if I would be able to make such a decision, in order to protect a friend.
It is a sad thing to say, but Tohno Akiha would rather die than watch her friends come to harm... even if that means she is only dying so she does not have to see them tortured and then killed. Friends are one of the few things she can safely have in this world, and pretend that she is just like everyone else in this regard, no matter how different she actually is.
And yet, was there not someone who once said that strange people attract more strange people?
Both of my roommates and my kouhai would appear perfectly normal externally, as do I. Internally, I know that the strangeness in my roommates extends to their personalities, and not to any abilities bestowed upon them by way of birth.
So... while Kohaku protected her first and foremost, once I figured out what was happening, I tried to protect Hisui. I tried to protect Kohaku, too, but by then she was like a doll. To her, going into Otou-sama's bedroom to have her kimono torn off and her body penetrated was necessary just to sleep, otherwise it simply did not feel right.
"Permission to speak freely, Akiha-sama?" Hisui's sudden words bring me out of my deeper thoughts.
She looks at me quite seriously. A look that clearly says "I have an opinion on this issue, and I would like you to hear it."
"Of course," I say without really thinking about it. I want to hear Hisui's opinions on this, very much. I know Kohaku is okay with it, especially if she drugged me so I had it in the first place, but...
"Y... You'd be okay with it, even if I did, though...?" Her voice, up until a moment ago firm, suddenly falters somewhat, but not much, as she remains as determined as ever to want to state her mind on this issue.
"...It would be silly of me to ask for your opinion and then just summarily ignore it, would it not? No, Hisui, I want to hear what you think on the issue. I know it may be a little awkward, but... please. It is important to me..."
Hisui closes her eyes, clasping her hands lightly in front of her. "Very well then. I will give my opinion on this, but what Akiha-sama does with this information is completely up to her." Hisui takes a deep breath, then a slow exhale, before she continues once more. "What Akiha-sama does with her personal life, is Akiha-sama's business. If she thinks she will find happiness with a female, then that is what she should do." She smiles slightly.
E... Eh...?
H-How can you say that so... normally, Hisui? This is not just a small, regular decision! I, If you do not like it, I have to replace you, and I do not think that would do very good for Kohaku's mentality... or my mortality.
"Y... You sure you are okay with this? If you agree it is okay, then there is no stepping back, you know...!"
Hisui blinks and tilts her head ever so slightly. "Yeah, I know. But what would changing whom you're attracted to actually change anything, Akiha-sama? It doesn't change your personality simply because you are romantically interested in a female. Well... it might, if you find yourself happier and more at ease in your life, but..." Hisui clearly trails off, her own speaking momentarily consumed by the sink that is next to her.
...Hisui speaks the truth. It could change Tohno Akiha... perhaps drastically. In some ways, it certainly already has, if she was willing to be sexual with another girl, dress in clothes she would normally never wear, and show a side of herself that she would not normally show unless it was under the most dire of conditions.
But... it is not the first time in her life that she found herself changing, altering. Just as waiting for Nii-san, and loving Nii-san, changed her. First by keeping her alive, and then by showing her how lonely she had been without someone to fill that void...
The need to love, and be loved... it is a basic human emotion. Even as mechanical as I seem to be sometimes, the simple fact of the matter is...
...Tohno Akiha is human.
…...And humans need love.
"...If it made you uncomfortable," I begin, "I would not force you to stay here if you did not want to, Hisui. You know that."
"I've already made my mind up on that, Akiha-sama. Akiha-sama's personal life is none of my business unless she wants it to be." She closes her eyes as she speaks her second sentence. "Unless, of course, Akiha-sama wishes to make it my business, in which case, it is my duty to help Akiha-sama in whatever way is requested of me, if I can."
"...I see," I say. "Thank you, Hisui."
She opens her eyes, and smiles. "That said... regardless of where your interests lie, Akiha-sama, I wish you luck in finding whomever is right for you. I'm sure they're out there, somewhere."
And with that, she bows, and excuses herself. I watch her as she walks off, her gait and movement completely normal. It betrays no anger, or no facetious lie so that I heard what I wanted to hear.
No, those were obviously the true feelings of Hisui.
I look back up at the stars after the image of Hisui is but a memory. Like thousands of little sparkles, they hang in the cool night air.
Somewhere, right now, maybe... Tohno Akiha's future love is looking up at those very same stars, filling their eyes with their simple beauty and grace, sharing an overlooking view with one whom will have their heart belong to me, and likewise, my heart will be theirs.
"...I do not know where you are, but someday we will meet, I am sure..."
With this promise, I walk back indoors, closing the door to the balcony behind me. For now that I know who I am... it is time for me to settle on what I want.
It is only fitting that I feel I am attracted to both sexes.
After all... my life, my struggle, is a carefully-maintained balance.
Would this not be exactly what sexuality is, as well...?
Next Week (5/1/11) – Chapter 48: "An Image of Infinite Clarity and Beyond"