Chapter 48: "An Image of Infinite Clarity and Beyond"
That night, I lay awake in my bed, thinking about today, and myself.
How I seemed to come to the conclusion that I can, indeed, find love from even someone unexpected. Someone who does not need to be Nii-san.
...As it turns out, they do not even need to be male.
I got the answers I wanted from Souka. I am more than a friend to her. I am someone she can... be sexual with, it seems. Someone to whom that "dirty" act is not a thing of ugliness, or a thing that is improper...
…...It is simply the ultimate extension of the love she has towards her roommate, Tohno Akiha.
I still do not fully understand her reasons, but I do understand her logic. That is fairly simple to grasp.
To her, Tohno Akiha is a very dear friend. Someone whose feelings, thoughts, opinions, well-being... these all matter to her. How she is doing matters. How happy, or sad, or frustrated, or scared she is feeling matters.
She cared enough about me to love me... not just emotionally, not just platonically, but quite literally physically, with the ultimate intimacy... the kinds one usually is only supposed to give to those they really, truly love. And for Tsukihime Souka, it mattered not that we were both female, because apparently, to her love is love, regardless of the gender of the receiver.
Tsukihime Souka wanted me, even if only for that once, to feel loved. For those brief... what, ten minutes perhaps? Even that ten minutes...
Ten minutes that will last a lifetime.
...Ten minutes that will always be among Tohno Akiha's memories.
…...Ten minutes that seemed to last forever, and yet were over all too quickly.
"…...It is silly."
It really is. To go from feeling threatened, to pressured, to curiosity, to interest, to pure carnal desire, all because a certain part of our bodies are being touched in all the right ways...
…...The human body truly is an interesting, and complex, machine. Push the right buttons, touch the right places, and you can turn even the most sane, logical, rational thinker into someone unable to ignore the call of thousands upon thousands of generations of mating instinct.
Souka ultimately managed to get me to that basic state of mind... with a little help from Kohaku. But... now I am beginning to wonder if she even would have needed that.
Why? Simple. Tohno Akiha... is so repressed that even a simple kiss would have paralyzed her to the rest of the things that Tsukihime Souka would have done. She would have been so surprised that she would not have resisted at all.
Before then, I would not have allowed anyone except Hisui, Kohaku, and Nii-san to see even my undergarments... and even then, only if really necessary, or in Nii-san's case, if we were to... well, consummate.
Now, though... I find myself thinking about my new identity, my altered sense of self. The last time I felt a change this jarring in my system was when Otou-sama told me I was not human.
...And yet.
Here I am, with human thoughts and worries ever since I woke up on Saturday, and very human reactions to the words Souka was saying.
I was pretty, she said. Even though my sizes were really only slightly larger than Souka's, and nowhere near Hanei's.
It was because of "how I use it," she said. That it is not all about physical attributes... but how one carries themselves.
...Well, a larger bust would look out of place on my frame, I suppose. Hanei's body is more built for that, but my body is generally slim, and perhaps slightly athletic. It is not made for voluptuous curves, but for a slim, graceful sort of beauty...
...So, I guess she was really saying that I should stop worrying that my chest is not as large as I would like, or that my rear is small and somewhat flat. That I am fine just how I am, and should not change a thing.
…...The more I think about that, the more I begin to like the idea.
After all, every person differs in many ways. Hair color. Eye color. Height. Weight. Ethnicity. Bodily proportions. Women differ in sizes, and men differ in... genital sizes...
So... I should really stop worrying about mine.
That is the whole point that Souka was trying to make. I cannot change my sizes, but...
...Those who matter do not mind... and those who mind, do not matter.
Yes. That is all. It is that simple.
Forget what others think of your choices and relationships, as long as they are not a part of your life. If they are, then, and only then, does their opinion matter. It is nobody's business but my own whom I love and whom I do not, even if other people attempt to make a great deal out of such a thing.
So I should just be concerned with finding someone that makes Tohno Akiha happy. There is no "What if the press scandalizes me?" or "What if the public does not like it?" Our businesses are businesses; does it really matter if the person running them likes women or men, so long as they do a good job?
No, it does not.
My personal life and the things I do to keep our family's positions are two totally separate parts of the life of Tohno Akiha. The only things they have in common are that they both demand time, energy, and investment from her.
But for far too long, it was only focused on one of those two. The business side. Because I was saving myself for the love of one, and only one, person, and I would foolishly accept love from no other.
That Tohno Akiha would attain Nii-san's love, or die a virgin.
But... that all changed on Friday. When Souka surprised me, and gave me an experience that I can now never forget. Showing me that love can sometimes come from directions and people least expected.
"Akiha-sama. Do you know what they say about love? One cannot help whom you fall in love with, and that it is pointless to fight it."
Kohaku's words, from awhile ago, come floating back into my memory.
...It is ironic.
The woman who was raped for nearly half her life... the former living doll, knows more about love and loving than I, who had the best education money could obtain, knew. Practical experience, being inherently worth far more than the best in books.
And she secretly went about slowly acclimating me to the ideas. A hug here, a smile there. A kiss laced with drugs. Gentle words of passive encouragement. Even her seemingly arrogant and haughty laughter at my surprise of the subject...
…...It served to fuel me to find out more.
...Perhaps more than anyone else, Kohaku wants Tohno Akiha not just to find love... she wants her to feel love. To experience it in all of its dimensions. Not just emotionally, or platonically, but physically as well.
To this end, she made my body unable to resist Souka's advances.
And she proved she wanted me to know this, by waiting until I noticed her before she left us so that we could have our privacy in our intimacy. To know that she had some part in this...
"...Why?"
I do not understand her logic fully. I think I am in the right general direction with it, but I do not fully understand Kohaku's mind.
I mean... if what happened last night WAS real, then Kohaku basically gave Nii-san permission to be adulterous. To have sex with me. So I think it is a dream, but... I do not fully know, and I am afraid of finding out.
If I get it wrong, it could be very embarrassing and awkward for us all. For myself, and for Nii-san, and for Yumizuka-san. And... well, I doubt we will be able to look at each other without feeling embarrassed for quite some time.
But if I am right... then... I really did have sex with Nii-san. And I did not want it to end, ever. But like all good things... it must end sooner or later.
The body is not built to maintain any physical state except for homeostasis over such an extended time, and arousal is no exception. If held too long, the body begins to ache from all the trapped, stagnant blood. In order for homeostasis to be achieved, this stagnant, stale blood must be recirculated through the body.
...Only orgasm will return the blood flow away from the genitals and back into general circulation.
And that feeling... is one that is impossible to describe. Supposedly, everyone experiences that sensation a little differently. The only generally agreeable thing about it, from all people, is that it is generally a good sensation, and if hard enough... can induce a deep desire to want to sleep.
...The one Souka brought upon me was hard... but it felt nothing like the one that I had from Nii-san and Yumizuka-san. The feeling that it was as if my entire soul was being ripped from my bones, ultimately held to my body by only gristle and sinew.
...That will remain a treasured memory forever, too.
...Even if it was a dream... it was the most realistic dream I've ever felt. Even if that really was just a dream... it is something to treasure. Something to remember. Something to never let go of.
Why? That is simple. For a few moments... Tohno Akiha had everything she wanted, and for those few moments, she could live happily ever after. Even if it is not reality... for a few moments, her mind gave her the ultimate reward. No... the ultimate reassurance, that she has experienced it, and that the important thing was to love, and be loved, in kind.
I sigh, and look up at my bed's tester. It hangs, like a curtain or a sheet, closing me off from the rest of my room. Giving me full and complete privacy, as well as holding in the warmth a little. The wind from the slightly opened doorway to my patio creates delicate ripples in the fabric, and it is like looking at the surface of the ocean, surrounding me on all four sides.
...This time last night, Tohno Akiha either had sex with Nii-san, or she was dreaming of having sex with him. Reality was happening... or a dream so real that I can accept it and embrace it as if it were.
One thing, however, is the ultimate feeling that I get... regardless of whether it is a dream, or whether it was actual reality.
"…...It was good."
That much is undeniable.
I do not know for sure, and truth be told... knowing would ruin it. The fact that I do not know... somehow, that makes it even more precious, even more treasured. I am unsure why. But... I feel I do not want to find out, even though a small part of me insists that I should do so.
Somehow... finding out would ruin the magic of it. Knowing that Nii-san and Yumizuka-san did that willingly will form a stronger relationship, but... then I will not be able to help but look at them sexually. On the other hand, if they did not do It, it will seem as if I am a perverted woman, and... well, I do not wish to suddenly become promiscuous just because of that one episode.
"...Some things in life are best left unanswered." I agree with myself by nodding.
Yes. Like this. Regardless of if it was real, or just her imagination, the simple but pure pleasures Tohno Akiha felt from it was enough to be satisfying. Not every question in life needs a concrete answer... sometimes, one should just live for the moment.
No... satisfying is not quite the word that would describe the events of last night. Exhilarating... that is more appropriate.
Satisfying would be something being "merely" enjoyable. This went beyond such a insignificant level of pleasure. This was something that... well, words could not fully express how that feeling was...
This was... a full blown bodily pleasure that was so intense that the primal portions of my mind took over, reacting solely on instinct. The biological, instinctual urge to reproduce. To get the male deep inside of me, and to release as much seed into my womb as he possibly could. To mark me. To make me his breeding female.
...That is why my body felt even hotter when I began pushing myself up and down. To encourage me to keep doing it, to speed up his orgasm, as well as my own, for the female orgasm can cause a man to have his own, and the cervical contractions would suck the sperm into my uterus with ease, like a person taking a drink from a drinking fountain
…...That is why our orgasms timed themselves so perfectly. As he released into my vagina, my own body released its fluids and built-up tension, as the muscles made my uterus contract and my cervix open and close to draw the semen inside of my womb, to allow it to better enter my womb in an attempt to impregnate me...
...It is strange how a girl could... want that.
Women are usually very particular about how others perceive them. We do not want to appear dirty, or tired, or in any way unattractive. There are some women who will go to great lengths to avoid the need to belch, or break wind, because it is supposedly "unladylike."
...Yet this is somehow supposed to include all things sexual? As if it is bad for a woman to want to desire someone to give you simple bodily pleasure, but not a man?
…...Ridiculous. A woman should be fully in control of her own body, just like a man should be in full control of his. If... if I want to sleep with someone, that should be my choice, and nobody else's!
So if I want to sleep with Yumizuka-san, and Nii-san, and do sexual things to them, and have them do sexual things to me... that is our choice...
I turn over onto my side, and sigh wistfully. I feel the light heat in my stomach again. A heat that I am slowly beginning to recognize the purpose of.
...The heat that means I am aroused a little.
Now that I have... experienced that... I know that I want someone to help me relieve it... and wishing someone were here to do that with me. E-Especially Souka.
Because, while I could order Hisui... that would almost be rape... plus, Kohaku would be very unhappy with me, and I have learned my lesson on making Kohaku unhappy.
As for Kohaku herself... Kohaku is not here on the weekends, so the earliest I could even think about asking her would be much later this week
Yumizuka-san would be awkward, especially if that turned out to be a dream and thus she has no interests in girls at all... and Nii-san would DEFINITELY be awkward, because, well... he would be cheating on Kohaku, which goes right back to the point of not making Kohaku angry, lest I wind up with a needle the size of my forearm squirting medication into my brain.
…...There is Len... and as a bonus, the girl is very unlikely to refuse an offer of sex, due to her nature... but, that would be selfish of me. She is Nii-san's familiar, not mine. And, it is fully possible she is already asleep with him, meaning that I would have to check tomorrow...
...Though, it would not hurt to check, I suppose.
I pull away the covers, and walk quietly out of my room, to Nii-san's door. I open it quietly, looking in.
...He is asleep, his glasses off and on the end-table, his hair a bit of a mess from some light movement.
Len is curled up by his feet, into a small ball, in her human form. The expression on her face is one of contentment.
And next to him... much to my surprise... is Yumizuka-san, with the most peaceful and serene expression I have ever seen. One of simple yet pure bliss, peace, and happiness.
I smile softly to myself. It is a wonderful image. I close my eyes so I may recall it later, etching it into my memories. I want new ones. I want new ones to replace the old ones...
I walk over carefully, and bend down, and give Nii-san a slight, quiet kiss on his lips. His lips press up slightly even in unconsciousness, and he mmms softly from deep in his throat before settling back into his slumber. His arms squeezes the pillow that is supporting his head carefully. Protectively.
...Perhaps he is dreaming of protecting me. I can only hope... but even if he is not, I will love him anyway. Because that... is what Tohno Akiha will always feel towards Nii-san... the person who saved her life nine years ago.
"Thank you, Nii-san. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for loving me until the end." I bite my lip, trying to stifle the urge to sharply inhale.
He does not awaken. His shoulders slowly rise, then fall, as he sleeps, as he quietly breathes in his deep slumber. I smile, and turn my attention to the second person in the bed...
…...Yumizuka-san.
Her cheek is resting gently on his chest. Her upper body, like Nii-san's, is rising and falling slightly with her breathing, even though she no longer has a true need to breathe – then again, one cannot easily un-remember that for much of her life, she needed to breathe much like Nii-san or I did. Her arms are wrapped around him, and do not seem to want to let him go at any cost.
She should be watching the mansion, but this is a picture I do not wish to disturb. For the first time in a long time, perhaps, Yumizuka Satsuki is truly happy. The gentle, peaceful expression on her face shows that.
If nothing else... she deserves these slices of happiness as much as anyone else.
I likewise lean over, and very carefully kiss her on her lips. She smiles and her lips press back slightly as she's kissed, and I hear her softly whisper "Tohno-kun..." as her arms tighten slightly around him before she falls back into deeper sleep.
She is obviously dreaming of the one who has her heart. A rival, in one way... but looking at her now, and seeing this simple, pure happiness... I forget all of that. I forget that she is a rival for his affections. I forget that she is a vampire. I forget it completely... because the look on her face is the look that only a person who, deep down, is still human,can ever have. This simple look of bliss.
"…...And thank you too, Yumizuka-san. Thank you for showing that even in darkness there is nobility. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for being there more than most servants ever would be." I rub her back slightly, which causes her to moan very slightly from deep in her throat as she hugs Nii-san closer; her cherished, most precious object.
...It would be wrong to be angry at her, even for this. I will not complain about it. After so much pain... a simple night to hug Nii-san is hardly even enough. Between the four of us in this room... we will likely be all quickly alerted to an intruder, at any rate... so ultimately, maybe I do not need her to do night sentry duty so much. Maybe I should simply allow her to have peaceful nights like this, with Nii-san.
...Last, but not least, is the young girl sleeping at Nii-san's feet, curled into a small ball and yet looking content. The girl with light blue hair. Perhaps influencing a dream of Nii-san's, or Yumizuka-san's... maybe even giving them happy moments of bliss. For in a dream, they are safe to do as they please, while there is no risk or danger. Well... not that Nii-san would be able to impregnate a... Dead Apostle, I think Arcueid-san called them...? At least... not as far as I know, anyway...
...She, too, gets a soft kiss. Like Yumizuka-san, as if it were a natural, common reply for any woman, her lips press back in instinct.
"...And you, Len. Even though I do not say it very much... thank you for helping me when I needed it, and thank you for becoming a part of our family." I feel a smile form across my face without even trying.
I can say all of these things honestly, with all of my heart.
Because, Tohno Akiha's family loves her, in their own ways. And... she loves them back in her own way.
I sigh happily. It is strange. To feel this happy, just because of that... because of saying a few honest words, to people who are so good to me that really, I do not know how I could ever repay them.
...Really, it is like an enormous weight has been lifted from my being. It is like I have somehow become more human, just by that simple act Souka did.
And, it is true. Because the concept of love to a demon, is a foreign one.
Only a human can experience real, true love, of the sort I did.
...And Tohno Akiha... is half-human.
That simple action made Tohno Akiha slightly less demon, and slightly more human. And within that extra humanity, she is finding peace and happiness.
Perhaps I do not know exactly who, but now I know that I will certainly find love. It may happen in ten years, or it may happen tomorrow. But it will happen.
Tohno Akiha will break the family tradition of living and dying alone, even if it is with a nontraditional partner. The cycle that has continued for generations stops here. She will find someone whom she loves, and whom loves her, and is not scared by what she may turn into. Because... I can beat this, if I wanted to. As long as I keep my demon self in check... and have a happy, stress-free home... I will live a normal lifespan, as opposed to the fifty or so that most Tohno women get.
"...Thank you, all three of you, for this gift. I will not forget it for the rest of my life." I whisper quietly to all of them.
I quietly exit the room, leaving the three to their slumbers. I have impinged on it enough. Walking back to my room, I cannot help but silently smile to myself the whole way back, even in the darkness. I am sure that it illuminates the hallway as if it were a flashlight.
I re-enter my bedroom, and lay back down on my bed. Somehow, it is as if my mind wanted me to check on Nii-san and let those thoughts air out before it decided to allow me to sleep, for I do not lay down on it for very long before I can feel tiredness and a desire to sleep beginning to overtake me.
I slide under my covers, and grab a few pillows and, after stacking them, I lay my head on them. My consciousness is beginning to recede... I can feel that.
"...I love you. All of you." The quietly whispered feelings of the heart of Tohno Akiha.
And with these words, my eyes flutter shut and my brain allows me to slip into unconsciousness.
...Goodnight, Nii-san.
Goodnight, Yumizuka-san.
Goodnight, Len.
Next Week (5/8/11) – Chapter 49: "Uncharted Territory"