Chapter 53: An Epiphany of Passionate Ardency
...Sion is long gone. Only the night air keeps me company now.
The night air... and thoughts.
"Think very carefully about some of the things you've said all along, and then it might come to you."
Her words linger freshly in my mind.
I have said a lot of things over the past week and a half. I have done things that normally I would have found it wasteful, or even ridiculous to spend time in.
Things such as eating a casual lunch, even sloppily. Or shopping for clothes that I usually never wear. Or simply buying the time to enjoy a day with my friends.
But... I can't help but feel the smile spread a little on my face as I think about it.
Those were all surprisingly worthwhile uses of money.
Money may not be able to buy happiness, this is true. But it is an undeniable fact that oftentimes it can be used to buy things that can.
The simple fact is that at that point, spending time with my friends and just... being a little more of a "casual" lifestyle is the sort of thing that I needed. To taste the other side of life.
To see just what being more like Souka could possibly be like.
And on the whole...? I would say it was not that bad. Well, aside from having to shift my forms, but... I suppose I will have to swallow that.
One thing is definitely for certain. I have changed a lot... especially in the last five days or so.
I went from being a somewhat cold and emotionless woman to a girl who has realized all along that she desires someone.
Someone... other than Nii-san, possibly.
Do I want him still? Yes, of course. I would immediately become Nii-san's wife and lover the second he asked. But I have known that for years. That is not the puzzle I have to solve right now. That was never a puzzle at all.
What I have to solve is... since it cannot be Nii-san, and since I do not see any other male able to replace him... what sort of female would I want?
If I identify as bisexual, then surely, I am comfortable with the idea of loving a woman, too. It... is really not so bad. Different, yes, but not exactly wrong, by my thinking. Even if it is abhorrent to some, the simple fact of the matter is that it is my life I am choosing this for, not someone else's. It is up to the person whom I ask to say yes or no to my proposal, and only then are they dragged into it. It is not like they have no choice on the matter, after all.
And is that not ultimately what most humans want? Happiness...?
Some of us seem to have different priorities. For some, the only things they care about are money, or power, or recognition and fame. I already have all of these, but I could honestly say I could live without them.
…...Well, it would be harder without money, perhaps. But it is not like I need the entirety of the vast Tohno fortune.
For there is one uniting force that will, ultimately, combine that of the poorest people in the world, along with the world's richest men...
…...Death.
We are all on this planet for such a brief moment. To us, it seems like a long period, but in the grand scheme of things, we are but mere pebbles in the gigantic waterfall of time, washed away in its stream effortlessly and quickly, and before long, nothing of us remains but what once was. Only the things we have done, created, and left...
…...That is what is left of us, long after the memories of us are gone. Here and there, in the blink of an eye. That is a human lifetime.
I... want people to remember me. And more importantly... to not just remember me as the landlord of Misaki in secret, or as the half-demon hybrid, as Ciel-san probably will.
No. I want them to remember, more than anything else, that Tohno Akiha had a human side as well. A side she wore on the outside, but also a part of her inside. Her anatomy is human. Her thinking is human. Every single organ that is inside of her body would be indistinguishable from those of a human. Indeed, the only thing of hers that is not fully human...
...Is her blood.
Blood, the thing that grants all of us the ability to live. A fluid mostly composed of plasma, erythrocytes, leucocytes, and platelets. A simple combination of four things that permits us to take in oxygen from the air that we need, use it as fuel for our bodies, and fight off disease.
...Truly, a marvelous machine in its own right.
And that machine is but support, a power source. It fuels an even greater organ, connected to it essentially by a series of tubes and wires.
An organ that is capable of surprising amounts of thought. Everything from calculating the sizes of planets, to creation of theories as to how life came about on this planet, and even to imagining fantastical universes that cannot possibly ever come about in reality.
An organ that allows one to recognize that they are one solitary person. An organ that allows a child to look at their hand, flex and bend the fingers, and marvel that they have voluntary and complete control over them.
An organ that is called the "brain."
The brain, where our concepts of self are stored. Where, through various processes, an identity of self is eventually formed in every single person, shaped by life's experiences, lessons, joys, and sorrows.
Where we, ultimately, find ourselves if we simply look hard enough. As I have.
Yet just because the question of the moment finally gets answered, the brain is not satisfied with that. It must have more data, more input. It must continue to process. A never-ending machine of calculation that only stops when the power source that keeps it running shuts down, after perhaps seventy-five or so years of continuous use.
...A remarkable running time for such a machine.
Even though I have found the answer to what I am, however, the brain simply moved on to the next question in its never-ending stack. When it got an answer to whom Tohno Akiha was, it simply and calmly asked "Whom does she want?"
And thus, here I am on this bench.
It still feels a little weird to not only know I am thinking these things now, but to accept it, even... I caught myself looking at even Sion's behind just now. Sion surely does not have that sort of interest in me.
…...Or does she?
Without even asking it to, my mind entertains the thought for a moment. After all... in my mind, Sion is what I want her to be. And she has a rather nice figure to go with it...
I sigh as I force that thought to go. No... Sion is not the sort of person I have feelings for, despite my mind trying to delude me into thinking that I do. I have more important things to think of now.
Namely, if I am going to take one of those six to be mine...
...Well then.
I cross my legs under my dress and look up at the night sky, with its twinkling stars. Thousands of tiny spots of light. Each a sun, a number of miles away that a human mind cannot comfortably compute, so we have invented larger and grander scales of measure to assess this distance, into something that is more comprehensible for us to understand.
...They are my company tonight. A night where I intend to seal a fate.
...But whose fate? All of them have been on my mind, in some way, shape, or form.
All of them have aspects I like and do not like. Admirable traits I wish I could have, and inherent flaws that I am glad I do not. Things that make each of them a little bit different, and in an odd sort of way, their own people.
"...Your words are not helping me, Sion," I say with a bitter dissatisfaction.
I sigh. So much for that.
Maybe it is easy for her partitioned mind to pull apart, but not for me. I am intelligent and educated, but I am not able to divide my mind and think parallel as Sion could so easily. I have enough of a problem with keeping things straight as they are, much less that.
But... really... is it that hard?
No. The simple fact is that all of us have some friends whom they feel... closer to than others. Even if we have many friends, there are levels of friends. There are friends whom you are happy to see, then friends whom you want to spend time with...
…...And then there are friends to whom you will share your deepest, most personal secrets, and trust in them not to whisper a word of it to another soul for the rest of their days. Pinky swear.
I have quite a few people whom I could consider friends, but those six... only those six... would be those whom I could consider really, truly close friends.
They have all been on my mind in some form. Hisui and Kohaku have been a part of my life longer than any other; I have grown up with them. Yumizuka-san has been in my thoughts since I met her, and naturally, Souka, Seo, and Hanei are my friends.
They are people whom I can be a little less worried about how I will look to the outside world with, and be slightly more myself. People to whom I do not have to show false emotions, or say the words they want to hear, or agree with whatever thoughts they are entertaining. They are that rare, special breed of person that I probably do not think about often enough... and more importantly, that I am actually sorely lacking in my life. The sort of people that, truth be told, I probably should get to know. The sort of people who provide alternate perspectives, opinions, and realities – always an important thing for anyone to have.
They are all important to me. But...
...Are any of them more important than the other?
Well... not really. They are all important, but for different reasons.
Hisui, I seek to protect. Kohaku is her main protector, but ever since I learned what Otou-sama was doing to Kohaku, three years ago, and why he was doing it... I sought to protect both her and Kohaku from him. For Hisui, she was spared most of the pain and suffering, but it was only a matter of time until she found out what was happening, and she did not take it very well at all. It was only after a year ago – after the fight Nii-san and I had – that she was able to really begin to grow emotionally as a person. Her growth is still incomplete; she has been sheltered from a lot of things, and it will take a few more years hence before she is really able to be introduced into the world proper. However, the fact that she has learned that it is acceptable to take risks, to ask questions, and to make her own judgments shows that her growth is accelerating. It is why I rarely treat Hisui as "just" a servant; rather, I suppose it would be best to say that in a lot of ways, she has become a younger sister of sorts... even if she is half a year older than me.
Kohaku, for her part, has a thirst to survive probably greater than anyone I know. Such rape and abuse would have crushed a lesser woman, or even a man; not her. She endured, and half-lost her mind from it... but she endured because if she gave in completely, she would not be able to look out for Hisui... the one person to whom it was worth suffering and giving her life for, much as I had for Nii-san. Despite the abuse stopping, she could not stop her plans, stop her thirst for vengeance, until in a purely random quirk of fate, Nii-san returned a ribbon she gave him when he left... and she remembered everything, shattering the cycle. Saving my life, saving Nii-san's life... saving us all, and then moving on, as one eventually must do with all griefs and pains, as hard as it is to swallow. She has been working her hardest to make amends for the sorts of troubles she has inflicted upon us all, and has shown a surprising degree of flexibility and tolerance... highly admirable traits in just about anyone.
I have cared for Yumizuka-san because, like Sion, I am trying to get that cure for her. To give her a normal life. She would not have to thank me, or repay me, or any of those things... her friendship is payment enough, I think. She cares deeply for both myself and Nii-san, to the point where even though it rightly disgusted her, she cleaned my vomit without complaints when I had my nightmare last week. That sort of sacrifice, just because I have given her a few simple, small things... that sort of service deserves to be rewarded, I think. Yumizuka-san has been unfortunate in luck, and while I cannot change the circumstances of that, I can do my best to try to reverse what has befallen her, with the means I have available to me. I have been a fairly firm believer in helping out those who are less fortunate than myself; if money is no real object and I will still be able to live my life the way I always have while giving some portion of it away, what good is it if it just sits there? It is best to put it to use; therefore, I will help fund that cure, as it provides a very interesting prospect – and if it works, it may even be lucrative, admittedly.
Hanei, well... she is very pretty, one of the prettiest girls I have ever met, and she brought me out of school earlier, and it is a good thing she found me. What if I had cracked my skull open then and there? To have bled to death in our dorm, on our bathroom... and, for that matter, to die with my underwear around my thighs... it would have been so embarrassing that if the blood loss did not kill me, the fact I would have been found that way sure would have. But more than that, Misawa Hanei is a pure, kind soul, the sort of girl who I feel would find it almost impossible to truly think bad of just about any person. She is the sort of friend that I wish almost everyone could have, the one person whom, no matter how depressed, saddened, or hurt you feel over something that life has forced you to deal with, would be there to comfort you, even if it is with just a smile and a simple "It will be okay." One should never underestimate the power of such simple things, and it is in her simplicity that Hanei is number one.
Souka... well, how could I NOT think of Souka, really, after what she did...? It is hard to not think of someone you have been sexual with, especially if that person was your first time; the first sexual partner a human has becomes the paragon by which all others are ever measured. Every time I see her or think about her, I heat up a little inside, no matter how warm I am... a feeling that is both pleasant and maddening. My body is somewhat associating Souka with sex, I think... but that is a natural reaction to a lover. But more than that... Souka has always been a level-headed voice of reason; a perspective on a more laissez-faire sort of attitude on life. The maxims she seems to operate by are "Treat others how you want to be treated" and "Everyone is a person." Indeed, in all of the years that I have known her, I have never seen Souka out to explicitly hate anybody; if anyone gains her ire, it is because they have earned it, and not from appearances alone.
Seo is important to me too, because she is someone who seems to look up to me, and cherish me. She did draw that doujinshi of me and her. She is more than happy to have her lunch with me, and share it with me. She was with me even when I was not me. Even when I had to come back... I did it to protect Seo. Someone who I have been with on committees, and projects, and various other things, and I shared my thoughts and past once she saw it, and she always seems to be interested in trying to get me to do things. She takes my abuses in the greatest strides; never complaining, and never really saying I have gone too far except when I cornered her. And yet despite all of that, the girl still loyally follows me, values my opinion, wants to hear what I think of some thing she has done, is greatly encouraged by my praise, and...
…...…...…...…...…...
I... I have shared a lot of myself with Seo. A lot more than I have with Souka or Hanei... indeed, only Yumizuka-san, Hisui, Kohaku, and Nii-san know more of my deepest secrets than her, probably...
I have... opened up more to Seo Akira than I thought I would. More than I willingly would to most people. Because... she is the direct opposite of me. Innocent. Cheerful. Creative...
And yet...
...When we argued, I allowed her to take charge of it. Not only that... I accepted my loss. And even then, I felt utterly and completely guilty for doing it... so guilty I could not get my mind off of it, and apologized to her immediately the next day.
But... more than that... she looked just as guilty as I felt.
…...It was just as important for her to apologize to me as it was for me to find her. And she even knew me enough to know I would go to our dorm first thing in the morning... using the very trick I had used on her the day before.
And then, we ate lunch. For real. No false pretenses. And we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, neither of us really wanting to go...
...Does she feel this way about me, too?
What if she, herself, is debating this? What am I to her?
I look at my hands. They're shaking...
...I grab at my hair. The tips are red...
…...I feel short of breath, and my heart racing in my chest...
"...I love her...?"
As if confirming it, my heart shudders.
...But... her?
Why her?
I find myself asking the very same questions I had asked a week ago... but... now I'm almost hoping she does...
...Almost? No, I am...
...I want her to. I... I want her to think of me as more than a Senpai, or a friend, or even a close friend...
I saved her. When I lifted that heavy pillar from her legs, I was not even thinking of myself, I was thinking of her...
The day I got away from myself, I bought her things because I wanted her to be happy. A shirt. Art supplies. A trip to the amusement park...
I have had her in my home more than just about any other guest...
Why her of all people, when she does so many things wrong?
Flaws are inherently human, but it seems like sometimes Seo cares very little about her flaws. Ignorantly, almost.
...But then...
"…...…...…Opposites attract."
That... that's exactly why.
The carefree heart of Seo Akira is that of a normal teenaged girl, compared to the cold heart of marble that is inside the chest of Tohno Akiha.
The last time I felt like this... was when what Souka was doing to me.
…...Nobody else would make me feel like this... just thinking about it, and what she thinks...
I, I'm... nervous...
I haven't felt like this in a long time...
...It's almost stupid of me to have not realized this earlier. All of the signs. All of the little hints. All of my feelings, all of my worries...
…...Of all my dreams, the only one where it seemed to not be focused on sex was Seo. As if... as if my mind wanted to protect her purity. Her chastity.
On one hand... one side of me desperately wants Seo to admit this, that she really has had feelings for me all along... and that I have simply been too blind to notice this until now. On the other...
…...She already said she does not have a genuine, romantic interest in another girl.
Well... neither am I, right? I like both. Lesbians only like the other, so I should be okay, right? I will have to ask her when we have lu–
"...Oh god!"
...It's Wednesday by now, isn't it?ǃ
I, I have to hurry back to the mansion, or I'll never get up in time to talk to her...!
With a kick of my legs, I jump off the bench and begin running as hard as I can as the stars twinkle their farewells.
By the time I reach the gates, I have lost track of the time. It is definitely still night, but who knows for how much longer...
I jump hard to try to clear the gate, only for the back end of my dresscoat to catch it. Instinct makes me lunge for the ground and barely manage to roll with it. Although thankfully it's not torn, my body crashes hard with a terrific THUD.
...And the searchlights come on and immediately point me out, having tripped off the seismic sensors.
…...Well, shit.
The only reasons the dogs are not attacking is because they smell me. They know the scent of their mistress too well, so while normally someone would be getting torn apart by now, the worst that I get is a bruise to my side, and my ego, perhaps.
However, the door flings open within moments, and in the doorway stands Yumizuka-san... or rather, she stays in the lobby and shouts so the dogs do not attack her. They do not like her very much, and I do hear them stir a bit as they catch wind of her scent.
"Akiha-sama?ǃ Where have you beenǃ? I was this close to waking up Tohno-kun and telling him you went missing! If you were going for a walk, you should've told me!" She stands there, hands on her hips, angrily lecturing me.
…...Even her anger has this undeniable cuteness to it.
I get up during her yells and dust myself off, wincing slightly as I brush the side I came down on with my body weight.
"I had my reasons not to say anything, Yumizuka-san..." I begin walking down the pathway, occasionally lightly jumping or avoiding a trap that will be waiting for me to trigger it.
"...You look nervous... is everything okay?" She gets worried.
"I am fine... please, just let me get some sleep. What time is it?" I walk into the lobby next to her.
"About... 2 AM... why...?" She moves aside without really thinking about it.
"...Good. I can get five hours. Tell Hisui to wake me up at 7 AM. Sorry to scare and worry you!" I race upstairs. To my room. To my bed.
Tomorrow will be an important day. A very important day. And I do not want to take it in any less but the best possible mental state...
...Because, tomorrow...
...Tomorrow I will run into Seo again.
And when I do…...
Next Week (6/12/11) – Chapter 54: "Fountain of Youth"