Chapter 54: "Fountain of Youth"
Wednesday, November 6, 2002
"...–ma. Wa... up, Aki... time for school..."
A voice, distant and echoing, enters my perception. I groan, half-consciously, as I roll over. I don't care who it is. I just want them to go away...
...Until a purple-haired reminder flashes through my mind, causing me to bolt upright and out of my bed, suddenly very much awake. It also makes Hisui cry out slightly in surprise.
"I am up, Hisui. Thank you, I will see you later!" I hurriedly grab my seifuku and run to the bathroom.
"Akiha-sama, you're in a rush this morning..." is what I hear Hisui say as I shut the door. She seems, in so many words, surprised by my sudden burst of energy.
There is a good reason I am feeling so energetic, though.
I must take a very quick shower. I only have about half an hour to spare, as I really do not like to make my driver rush here or home if he does not have to. That could bring the risk of a fatality for us both. And I do not think any of my friends would like it very much if they heard I was killed in a car accident...
I feel my body tingling and shaking, like I am about to fight some hideous monster like I do every now and again when I prowl the city. It is usually a feeling I can swallow and force down, and by the time combat begins, those feelings are gone.
There is just one problem, this time.
This monster is not a physical entity, but a mental one.
This monster... is Tohno Akiha's self-doubt and nervousness.
And those are enemies I am completely unfamiliar with.
I have not had anything to be nervous for in about a year, when I knew Nii-san was going to return here. It has been so long that I almost forgot what being nervous feels like, really. This feeling that even though you have the answer, you do not know the outcome...
...It truly makes one feel like they are alive.
I know for a fact that since today is Wednesday, unless she is ill, I will see Seo. We will share lunch together. That is what we agreed to do last week.
...Has it really only been that long?
A week ago, we were arguing and fighting over a doujinshi. One that she initially claimed was not me and her, but then confessed that it was, because she was not sure of how I would react.
And she admitted that she had no true romantic feelings for me. It was... just an odd image.
And yet I am the one here who is realizing that out of all the people whom I feel I could love... it is somehow Seo Akira.
Why?
Because she is the things that I wish I could be sometimes.
Because she is, simply put, the direct opposite of me.
Tohno Akiha has had to live every day of her life, as long as she can remember, hearing words that are seared into her mind forever. "We live alone, and we die alone, Akiha." Meaning that whatever time I get on this world... it is already borrowed time.
The world has no place for monsters such as the Tohno, and that includes myself. Every day I live, it could potentially be my last. I may invert without warning from some extreme stress, and it may be impossible for me to change back.
Every day a struggle. Every day a worry. Every day a borrowed existence ekes out another day of survival.
That is the life of Tohno Akiha.
…...And then, on the other side...
The ability to go through life without worries or troubles. To simply enjoy life.
Seo Akira needs no reason to enjoy life, unlike Tohno Akiha.
I feel content when I have everything in order, when our businesses are doing well, and my city is relatively free of anyone intruding on it.
Seo Akira enjoys life simply because she is alive.
It is a feeling I could not fully understand until I tried to put myself in her shoes. Waking up as a different person, doing things I would never, ever allow myself to do...
…...The deeper lesson in that was to be open to experiences other than the ones you are used to.
Loving Nii-san is what I have done for the better part of a decade. I still love him. I will always love him, until there is not a cell remaining that can identify itself as "Tohno Akiha." Nothing can, and ever will, change that, unless my mind is completely destroyed. I am sure of it.
But, the last few weeks have taught me a few important lessons.
I should not close myself to other choices. Other things. What happened on Sunday, then, was overall good...
…...Even revealing myself, ultimately.
The secret of me is still safe from Souka, and Hanei. Yumizuka-san knows it as well, but...
...Seo was the only one whose dream was not a sexual one.
My mind, so craving for that carnal simulation... every other one that I dreamed of, they were either overtly sexual, or I was sexual to them. But Seo...
...Seo's was a simple, wonderful romance. A love without the need for it to be a purely physical kind. An emotional high that somehow is more intimate than being physically in love. The only physical interaction...
…...A kiss, right at the end.
And yet, somehow, that dream was more passionate and resonated with my heart more strongly than any of the other ones did. Not even Souka gave off that feeling, nor did Yumizuka-san. Not even Hanei felt like that... although my body seemed to be quite willing to partake of the sexual beauty that Misawa Hanei will exhibit naturally.
How is that possible? How can one feel an even more close bond with someone while barely even touching them?
The mind works in mysterious ways. Obviously, the physical part of a relationship is just as important as the emotional aspects, but...
...It is almost like my mind was saying "While you love these girls for their sexual features, you love Seo for something far deeper and more personal."
And... it is right.
I really do not view Seo as an object of sexual desire. For one, she is still only fifteen. I mean, she is still in her last year of junior high, but next year she will be officially a first-year in high school. Not that it matters much; the junior high classes are held in the high school building so that the students can get acclimated to it, as it is much larger than the Elementary school complex on the other side of the campus.
...And yet.
I would not mind being that way with her. I... I would not be quite fully sure of what I was doing, but if she would let me try that... then I would do it. It is just not the main REASON to do it. I kind of get the feeling that with Souka and Hanei, it would be... and Yumizuka-san would be a mix of both.
But Seo... Seo would be something else. Seo would be someone who I do those things with, yes... but not for my own greedy bodily pleasures. No. It would be a bond, a way of reinforcing our love.
Love... and trust.
Trust in a relationship. The most important and necessary thing to foment love.
And there has been a lot of trust I have placed in her lately. The most important thing being, of course, my actual self. That side of myself that even I try to deny.
…...But Souka or Hanei didn't mention it at all. Therefore, Seo has not said it. Seo has kept my secret. She did not punish my trust in her... although I suppose that it could have been fear, as well. She would constantly call me a demon, but... well, she found out that her own name for me was actually more true than false.
And how did Seo Akira react to that...?
...She did not seem afraid of it at all.
She allowed me to help her back. We shared a meal together. We talked as if we were friends as opposed to a more formal kouhai/senpai relationship. It was an interesting conversation, which led to her drawing...
…...I still have that drawing.
I go out of the bathroom for a moment, and pull it out of the place I had carefully put it, in one of my upper drawers.
…...It's well done. It captures me at an unusual moment. One where I was simultaneously both Tohno Akiha, and not Tohno Akiha. The clothing was not hers, but the mind was. A slight smile is on her face, one of someone who is calm, and yet happy at that moment of time.
It does not seem to matter to her that she is not in elegant clothing, nor even in the most elegant pose. Things that would usually make Tohno Akiha scream about inadequacy and inelegance are nowhere to be found.
…...That moment, Tohno Akiha was simply living for the moment, and enjoying a conversation with Seo Akira. And that was all that mattered to her then.
It still seems a little odd that these are the clothes I picked to wear.
And yet...
…...It does not look all that strange, all things considered. It actually looks like that in time... I could even be comfortable in such wear.
Granted... this will not be daily wear for me, of course. No, never. However, from time to time, or even occasionally... it would not be too bad, all things considered.
Perhaps it is a sign that I want increasing freedoms in my life and in my choices. That I do not wish to be tied down. No... more than not wish it...
...This was an outright rejection of it. As if to say to the fates "I am going to live how I wish to live, and you will accept it. If you do not, that is too bad."
I put the drawing back in my drawer, hurry back into the bathroom, and after stripping naked, I run the water and begin to wash over myself.
As I wash myself, I cannot help but look down at myself, at my body.
…...And I realize that before long, I am comparing it to what I have seen of Seo's. So similar to mine, in a lot of ways... small breasts. Slight curves.
Probably less pubic hair due to the her age, but what is there is purple, I am sure...
I close my eyes, and try to imagine how it would go if she asked me to assess her bodily sizes.
"You... really think I'm pretty, Tohno-senpai?" I hear her ask as she very shyly covers herself with her hands, one across her chest and the other covering where her legs join her torso.
"Seo... beauty is more than having the largest breasts, or the best curves. Everyone is different, and different is okay... because what makes you different, also makes you beautiful." I smile, and I see the deep blush of embarrassment at my flattery.
"But... E-even then... you're bigger than me, Tohno-senpai..."
"By a centimeter. It is not who is bigger or who is smaller. Someone told me awhile ago that I am perfect just how I am... and so are you, Seo. You do not need to be bigger or curvier to me, because I like you just how you are, and would not change a thing." I smile in my fantasy. "So... do not be ashamed... after all... I am naked with you too, am I not?"
"...Well... y-yeah," she says, blushing. I see her eyes dancing up and down, over my naked form. I blush slightly too, because while Souka had taken me in from the view of something she desired... Seo is taking me in from a more innocent, pure view, partially... and yet, at the same time, it is the view of her lover...
I move slightly so she can get a better look. "It is okay. Study as much as you would like. You are the one who requested the nude study, after all... my body is yours now, and yours is mine... that is what lovers agree to share among other things, is it not...?"
With a deep blush, and a slight nod, she hesitantly lowers her hands... allowing me to take in her beauty much as she had done with mine.
Small breasts, on a perfectly petite frame.
Slight curves, complimenting the light muscle tone that is in her legs and arms.
The faintest indication of abdominal muscles on her stomach.
A thin, light purple triangle on the soft mound between her legs...
"Come over here, Seo," I command... to which, of course, she obeys.
When she does, I pull her into me slightly, and I kiss her deeply on her lips. Her bright green eyes widen immediately. It is probably her first ever kiss by a female of that nature. I find my hands rubbing her back as it continues, and eventually her eyes begin to close slightly as a light blush of arousal fills her face.
"Are you getting aroused, Seo?" I ask as I smile.
With a deep blush, she nods.
"Well then... do not be shy. Let me see your arousal."
Unquestioningly, her doppelganger sits down on my bed... allowing me to see everything...
Slim...
Small...
But... perfect in every way...
So... perfect... it's...
"…!ǃ!"
I stifle my cry as one of my hands pinch one of my nipples, and my other hand's fingers rub my clitoris in a blur, causing the heat in me to overflow as my hips jerk upward repeatedly without me ordering them to... and along with it, feminine fluids release onto my fingers.
After what seems to be an eternity, but in actuality is likely little more than thirty seconds, I catch my breath as I recover on the bottom of the tub, legs far too weak to stand, and as I do, I realize what I just did.
I... masturbated. To a fantasy of Seo Akira.
Before I realized what was happening... my imagination ran wild.
I didn't even know I was doing it until I began thinking lewd thoughts of Seo, but my body did it as if I knew how to do it all along...
...How can so much pleasure be felt from just rubbing one specific place on the human body...?
It is strange. It still should not feel that good. It still did not feel as good as when Souka did it... but it still felt good, and in the back of my mind, I cannot help but wonder if any of the people I have been considering have done it before.
Hisui... almost certainly not. The girl is aware of her nature, and she is improving, but she is still very skittish and nervous, especially when it comes to herself. Kohaku must still be around her for her self-esteem to improve in certain situations, and the opposite sex is certainly one of those situations. Hisui is more at ease around other girls, but obviously, most girls do not casually talk of such things... at least, not to strangers. Girls who have known each other for years, on the other hand, seem to share every sordid detail of their love lives, for better or for worse.
Souka... almost certainly. If anyone is likely to have done this, it's her. If anything, she is likely to do it frequently and often... although I fail to see how, given how busy she is with various things. But I have no doubts that she does it. The girl was simply far too experienced with knowing what to do, where to touch, to not have direct, practical knowledge of these acts. She could read all my responses accurately, and knew full well I was about to orgasm... so to assume that she would not do these sorts of things would be a very gross mistake on my part.
Kohaku... likely. Almost certainly not while Otou-sama was... doing what he did, but when one is so used to sexual contact and it is withdrawn... one would presumably gain a craving for it. There has been, admittedly, a few times when I would go to her room to ask her something, and... heard things that made me think twice of asking her. It certainly picked up after a year ago... there was one night where she got particularly loud, and I was seriously a few moments away from storming to her bedroom door and yelling at her to keep it down when she mercifully stopped. It did not help that hearing it made my own body react somewhat, either...
Yumizuka-san... probably, and probably while thinking about Nii-san, but she would never admit it. Our teachers keep pushing into our head that these acts are common and normal for boys and girls, so any issues with it would be issues of morality, or of getting caught doing it. Given that Yumizuka-san has been wandering the streets for a year... well, she certainly would have found the time to engage in it. Whether she actually did or not, on the other hand, is difficult to say.
Hanei, and Seo... I am unsure. I would suspect Seo is starting to figure that out, but Hanei is so... pure, that it is hard to think of her doing such an activity. Then again... when I grabbed her breasts earlier, she did mumble to "do that harder," so it must indicate that on some level, she more than knows about it – she even welcomes it. Seo, though... well, I would only imagine that her hormones must be going wild; she is right in the middle of puberty, after all, and I know all too well that at that age, my body was whispering to me that it would be a good idea to have sex with Nii-san...
But... if any of them asked me to do this to them... I... I think I would.
My own curiosity is getting the best of me. Even now, as I am recovering my breath, I am wondering what it is fully like... why Souka was able to get aroused from doing it to me.
Why she, as she put it, came right after I did. From seeing how I reacted to it, according to her...
…...Could it be that pleasuring your partner fills one with a sense of pride and satisfaction? Knowing that you have sated their carnal, instinctual desires fully...?
A week and a half ago, that would have been unthinkable. But in that time, I have come to realize something important...
...Tohno Akiha's life is a brutal one, and a short one.
With all of the things that I do – keeping the night streets safe, having to check up on everywhere, and practically running the town in terms of supernatural beings – I should cherish every friend and every moment of closeness that I can get. As unlikely as it is, every time I go out there, it could be the night I die, and if I must die, I would rather die knowing I have had friends and lovers to do these things with, rather than being a bitter, angry, lonely soul at my death.
Not even Arcueid-san or Ciel-san can do that, ever since Nii-san entered their lives. They have found the importance of having one they love a long time ago, and now I am simply catching up, because it is only now I realized how important it would be to find someone else to love me in the ways that Nii-san cannot fulfill.
So, I will not worry about who would approve or disapprove of my lifestyle, unless it is someone important to me. Simply put, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Even if it is not Seo Akira – if she rejects me, or something else along those lines – then I know that pointlessly chasing after Nii-san is going to do little but leave me feeling unfulfilled and like I have pointlessly wasted my life. No, what I should be doing, ultimately, is finding someone.
Otou-sama may be right. Perhaps we may live alone, and we may die alone. But there is one key, critical factor that Otou-sama did not mention.
…...Time.
He never said we had to live alone for our whole lives. More importantly, even if he had, I would feel that he is wrong. There... are people out there who can understand these things, if you give them the news carefully.
The only thing I worry about, assuming that Seo Akira does agree to such a relationship... is that I will again worry about inversion. But if she accepts, I will just have to make a conscious effort to resist inversion. I should be able to if I really want to... so it should never be a problem.
I promise myself that for Seo Akira, Tohno Akiha will be as human as she can possibly be, and may I be thrice-damned if I cannot fulfill that promise.
I open my eyes, and pull away the hand that was rubbing between my legs. A thin, sticky fluid coats the fingers, stretching as I withdraw my hand from between my legs.
...My fluids.
The fluids of my passionate fantasy just now.
Of... thinking of Seo Akira, the girl whom I hope would accept my affections, and return them in kind.
...I blush at its sticky viscosity for a moment before pushing them under the flowing water, and lifting my crotch slightly so that the evidence of my selfish moment and thoughts wash down the drain, rinsed by the pure, hot water that strikes the sensitive skin.
I am quite certain the real Seo Akira would not react this way, and if she would... not this easily. That is why it was a fantasy... because in a fantasy, one can control the participants however they want, even if it is completely out of character for whatever the fantasy is.
The human mind is truly blessed to have such a capability. Of course... it is a blessing, and a curse, if it is not controlled through proper social norms. While it is okay to have such an image of Seo...
...Imagining it, and actually doing it, are two different things. Arguably, I would be breaking laws, due to Seo's age, but...
...Love is blind. One loves whom they love; rarely will persuasion, coercion, or other things affect or shake that love unless it is very obviously, immediately wrong. A father may love his daughter, but there is a difference between loving her as a daughter and loving her sexually, after all.
There is, I feel, nothing wrong or immoral with how I feel. It is not like Seo is a child. She is a young woman, as am I. As we all are. None of us are adults, and myself, Hanei, and Souka will not be for three more years. Seo will be a legal adult in a little over four, as she will be 16 in January.
So... if I want someone... then... I guess she is the right one... if she wants to be...
Having caught my breath and returned to somewhat of a state of normalcy, I stand up after making sure my genitalia are cleansed, and resume washing. I have taken even more time now...
...This sort of thinking. It is wrong. It is perverted.
And yet... it is also human nature to have these thoughts.
Well, as long as it remains a fantasy, I suppose it is okay...
Next Week (6/19/11) – Chapter 55: "10,800 Seconds of Eternity"