Chapter 56: "Cordis Confessione"
I do not feel very much like eating as I watch the nurse wrap Seo's head and put an ice pack into it. I am holding an ice pack to my shoulder, as well.
I have since figured out that I struck her with the shoulder I landed on, which is why it is hurting a fair deal. It suffered two sharp impacts in about two seconds. My body may be rather strong, but it had a 40-kilogram missile hurtle face-first into it, and then it took the entire weight of a 45-kilogram body impacting into the ground on it, with violent force.
A mixture of feelings are surging through me as I watch the bandages be wrapped. Her eyes have focused considerably better, so it was thankfully only a light concussion, but...
…...The simple fact is that I am the one who gave it to her.
And that is making me hate myself, and verbally give such a searing rebuke to myself that if anyone could hear my inner thoughts, they would probably consider it verbal abuse.
"How are you feeling, Seo-san?" The nurse asks her.
"...Dizzy..." She lifts her head up a bit so that the nurse can wrap them around the rear of her head.
"Well, it's a good thing you ran into who you did, honestly. You should thank Tohno-san for bringing you here." She says with a slight smile.
...Right, like that is supposed to make me feel better. Are you going to have any more choice wisdom to impart onto her at my expense, you hideous...!
"...Tohno-senpai's here?" she asks, making an effort to sit up, perhaps a little bit too quickly, and forcing me to abandon my self-criticism.
"Please, Seo-san!" The nurse admonishes her. "Do not move so quickly!" She supports her for a moment, moving her into more of a sitting position, since it is apparent that Seo will not stay still.
"...Yes," I state, upon which she turns her head to face me. "We... ran into each other, actually. So... this is partially my fault, Seo, for which I apologize."
"...Jeez... are your bones made of steel...?" Her still slightly unfocused eyes look to me, and I can tell that her brain is recovering.
...It makes me look away a bit, though.
If I had been paying attention... any attention at all, instead of being focused of running and checking my watch... I would have seen her. If I had seen her, I would not have run into her. If I had not run into her, this accident would not have happened. If this accident would not have happened, we would be eating our lunches under that tree in the courtyard right now, and not holding ice packs to our bodies in the nurse's office!
And to answer her question... no, but they are a bit stronger than a normal human's bones... as I have found out from the sorts of impacts that it takes to break them. Usually the level of pressure that would cause a human bone to crumble into dust. Of course, that assumes that I am inverted... if not, it is perhaps only fairly more strong than a regular human bone.
"...Guess we were both in a rush, huh?" She turns her head to look at me slightly, and smiles as best as she can.
"I suppose so... if we are to share lunch, it is not going to be very good if I am accidentally injuring you, is it?"
"Probably not." She laughs slightly, which makes me smile, even though I am displeased with myself.
Hearing her laugh... well, at least with that I know she will get better. The injuries are not too serious, then, and probably with a day or two of rest, she should sufficiently recover.
Seo will be fine, but I still feel bad. If I had been looking up I might have seen her. Instead, I was in such a blind rush to get to our meeting spot that I never saw her coming.
However, there is also the fact that she was in such a similar rush to meet me that she, too, was not watching where she was going.
Impatience and love. The two deadliest weapons we have, and humanity did not even need to create them. They are inherent in us all.
"...Well, it is certainly not under a tree, but do you feel well enough to eat, Seo? I have the bag your lunch is in... at least, I think that is what this is..."
"Yeah, that's my lunch, Tohno-senpai. Let me see if I can sit up more fully..." She sticks her legs out over the side of the bed and, using her arms, sits up very carefully. "...Yeah, I feel okay enough, I guess. Still a little dizzy."
"Well, if you feel dizzy again, lay down again." I hand over her bag.
"Yeah." She opens up her bag and fishes out a small bento box.
...Quite small, now that I think about it. I mean... surely, she does not want to get fat – what girl does? - But at the same time... she needs to have a good amount of calories, portion sizes, and nutrition in order to be able to grow.
It is no wonder the girl seems to indulge so much whenever we are all sharing snacks or a meal... it seems that whomever is packing these lunches, they are possibly not providing her with enough. Even a girl sometimes wants a meal that will fill her stomach until she feels ready to burst at the seams.
"...For someone who loves to eat, you sure have a small bento, Seo." I comment.
"Ah, heh... well, Dad worries about me getting fat. He says he wants me to remain pretty because he's sure I'll find someone soon." She shrugs. "Though I admit I don't know why he's kind of rushing things a little... Dad's a little old-fashioned like that, I guess. It's not like those sorts of things matter. I mean, I'm cute no matter what, right? And I got a pretty good metabolism, so..." She finishes her sentence with a shrug – a gesture that, as I learned from Souka, more or less means "Does it matter?" in this case.
...Not that Seo is particularly fat. Or fat at all for that matter. Indeed, the girl never really seems to put on weight, despite her seemingly endless appetite.
…...Then again, she is still in the prime of her growth spurt. All of that energy spent growing means that it takes considerably more calories in order to fuel that growth.
She opens her bento, and begins eating, albeit a little carefully. Seeing her eat makes my stomach stop feeling ill from worry that I injured her too greatly.
...Although I still feel like a fool for colliding with her like that.
It is not like me at all to do something like that so... blindly, so stupidly. I am very thorough; I never make a rushed decision. Everything I weigh on is calculated carefully, as Otou-sama taught me to be very thorough.
Or as Souka once put it, "Gee, you never do anything half-assed, do ya, Tohno?"
Well no, I do not. I make sure. I check twice. Thrice, even, on very important decisions. So the fact that I was in just such... a blind rush to get to Seo is really something out of the ordinary.
"...On the bright side, Tohno-senpai..." She catches my attention by speaking up. "...The fact we were both rushing means we both really wanted to see each other today, huh?" She offers a slight smile, even through what must be a surely nasty headache and an aching body.
...Perhaps she can sense that I am beating myself up over what has happened, and is trying to defuse my mood? It would not surprise me. The girl is like a cat in that regard... able to read my moods very well. Seo Akira has a knack for not being around when I am in a bad mood. It is why I had to entrap her like I did, in order to get the truthful information on that doujinshi...
…...Although, in that case, it was more like humble pie being shoved down my throat.
"It does... do... you have a reason you were in such a rush, though?" I ask of her.
"...A reason? Well, yeah, I mean, I wanted to see you." She offers. "It's Wednesday, and we made a promise, didn't we...?"
"...Besides that, I mean." I swallow slightly nervously, but I do my best to hide the nervous nature of the swallow. "One would usually not take lunch with their senpai with such enthusiasm, that one crashes into someone like a wrecking ball."
"...Well... yeah... after we talked on Sunday, I thought a few things over, and... I wanted to ask you something, Tohno-senpai."
"...What, did what I already tell you not suffice?" I blink.
"No, it did... it's just..." She sighs. "...It feels like you're not saying something, like you're holding something back from me..."
...I swallow hard once more. It is slightly painful as I had food in my mouth when my throat suddenly went dry.
"She knows," I hear a voice whisper in my head. "She knows. She knows. She knows. She knows you are falling in love with her, and now she is going to call you out on it, just you watch..."
To remedy this, I drink some water from my bottle, with a slightly shaky hand.
"Well... that depends on what you want to know, Seo," I say as I set the bottle down, avoiding the question a little. It also serves to narrow down her possibilities, by forcing her to be a little more specific.
"...I want to know what you think of me, Tohno-senpai." She says it so clearly that there cannot be any mistaking it.
Well. So much for managing to avoid the question. Or, for that matter, calming myself down. For once, I curse my educated guess.
"...Why do you ask, Seo?" I attempt to further delay the inevitable.
"...Well... over the last week or two... you've been a lot closer to me than we usually are, Tohno-senpai. I mean, a year ago when I made first-year, I heard you were this demon and it was best not to cross you... so I kept an eye out for you. And they were right..."
...Luckily for the campus, they mean demon in the figurative sense... although they have no idea how right they are.
A demon. Tohno Akiha is a demon. The blood of a demon runs in her veins. Her body's strength is augmented by it. Physically, mentally, and endurance-wise, she can be far stronger than any normal human female, or for that matter, a normal male... if she gives in to it. If not, the abilities are sharply reduced...
...And a demon cannot love.
…...So why do I love Seo Akira?
I still do not truly, really know why. I know I have these feelings for her, yes... and that nominally it is because she is so different from me... but it seems like that is only part of the answer. I know some of the factors... my loneliness, my desire to experience it, a multitude of things...
...But I do not have one single answer, to which I can say "This is why I feel this way," and put the issue of "why" behind me and simply get on to the business of loving her so.
I am a rational person. I think things through before I do them. And yet...
…...I'm... about to say those words, aren't I...?
Aren't I…...?
"…...…Seo."
"...Yeah, Tohno-senpai?"
"...What I am about to say to you... I do not know how you will react to it. So... if I say it, I want you to promise me you will not react to it until after I am gone."
"...Not react to it until you are gone...? Is... this a bad thing you have to say, Tohno-senpai...?" Her voice takes on a worried tone.
"...Honestly? I do not know, Seo. It... depends on what you think about it." I wrap up my lunch, putting the remainder of it back away, since I have lost my appetite, and once I say those words, I want to make a hasty exit.
"Well, I don't know what I'll think of it until you say it, right?" She looks at me.
"Of course not. But... whatever your reaction is to this, whether it is good, bad, or indifferent, I want you to promise me that you will not hold me at fault for it." I do my very best to hide the fear that is surging through my body, with a voice louder than "his" screaming at me to do anything, ANYTHING, but tell her the truth.
It seems that when one demon that was freed from Tohno Akiha's soul, it has been replaced by another.
A demon named "Doubt."
Doubt that I am doing the right thing. Doubt that it is going to go well. Doubt that I will be able to keep the same relationship with Seo Akira that I have enjoyed, more or less, up until now.
Doubt, because the words I am about to say are dangerous language. They are not light words. They are words that will either build bridges...
…...Or burn them.
"...Uh... okay... then... what is it...?" The nervousness on Seo Akira grows with every second. She looks like she wants to be any place but here. That makes two of us. Every cell in my body is screaming to call it off, to not be a fool, to just write it off as some silly moment of weakness...
"...I will have to leave right after I say it. Are you sure...?" I ask, doing my best to control the light shaking of my body that I can feel... which is doing nothing but making it shake harder.
"...Leave? Why?" Her eyes grow even more wide with concern.
"You will understand once I say it. Y, yes or no...?"
"...I don't like how this sounds, Tohno-senpai..." She looks a little worried, almost like she wants to cry.
Damn you... don't use that look...
"...Then I will be brief."
"...Okay..." I can see her mentally bracing for what she's about to hear. This does not make it any easier.
With a sharp sigh, I say the words that could potentially change our relationship forever – for better or for worse, is up to the whims of whatever deities are holding sway over us.
"...I think I love you, Seo."
And I immediately walk out of the room, not even stopping to check her expression.
Viewpoint: Seo Akira
All I can do is sit there, stunned, at what she said, long after she has walked out. My throat is way too dry to speak.
My lips mouth the words. "...Love... you...?"
...Love me? Love me...?
Her lips... unless I got conked on the head really hard, I'm sure that's what they said...
Did I hear her right...? Or is it the concussion making me hear things...? I can't be so sure...
I swallow hard to make my throat wet, so I can actually breathe and speak. "...Sensei?"
"Hm? Yes, Seo-san?" She looks towards me. "Is everything alright? Did you enjoy lunch with Tohno-san?"
"...Yeah, but... did you hear what Tohno-senpai just said? I'm not sure if I heard it correctly..."
"Not really, though it did seem she had to leave quickly. Did she have to be somewhere suddenly...?"
"...Well, no, but we were discussing something... and I'm not sure if it was my imagination or smacking my head that made me hear it..." I lightly push on the ice pack under my bandages and wince as pain shoots into my head.
"Well, what'd she say?" She blinks.
...If I'm correct, she said "I think I love you, Seo." But... that's so unlike Tohno-senpai, that I can't even really be sure of whether that's what she actually said.
...Well, I'd rather not put words in her mouth in case she didn't...
"Uh, I'll worry about it, I guess... nevermind, Sensei."
"...Alright then, Seo-san. If you're feeling better, you can return to class, though you took a pretty nasty bump, so if you want to go to your dorm room, you can do that too."
"...I probably will. I still feel a little dizzy." Well, I do... partially from the bump...
...But, I also really want to think this over.
If I'm not imagining it, and I heard her correctly, she said "I think I love you, Seo."
...Even though I'm a girl? This coming from Tohno-senpai who said she didn't like girls that way, of all people?
…...Why would Tohno-senpai say something like that to me...? Especially given everything that's happened...? That makes no sense...
None of this makes sense, really. I mean, ever since a week ago, she's been acting really, really weird... we had lunch occasionally, and okay, maybe our lunch last week was just to make up and bury the hatchet, but then there was stuff like her being in those clothes, and eating a hot dog...
...Was that a lie? Is she not sure herself if she likes them or not? And even if she does... why me? She loves to pick on me. You don't love people you pick on, right...?
Well... maybe you do if that's just the sort of person you are. But someone like Tohno-senpai...? Nah. That's not her at all. She's so... formal, and structured, and stern. Picking on me isn't really showing me love, it's probably more like just her kinda blowing off steam. I can understand that, I guess...
...But then again, that's changed a bit over the last year. She's picked on me less over the last six months or so, and over the last week or so I guess we got pretty friendly... and sometimes I think that her picking on me is a way to show she likes me... the logic's weird, but if you really think about it, it kinda makes sense, I guess...
...And I wouldn't even be here right now if she didn't save my life last weekend. If she hadn't shouted, I probably would've been clocked by that thing. I'd be a dead girl.
And, as dad told me once, "Dead girls can't smile."
But... for a change like that to happen so quickly... did something happen to her? People don't usually just change personalities like that. And she didn't hit her head, either, so it's not like she can blame it on a concussion, like I can...
...So if something happened... then what? Did she have an argument with Shiki-san or something...?
…...On second thought, no. Those two seem to always get along. Tohno-senpai is rarely cross if Shiki-san is there, too.
But what would cause her to do that...? Tohno-senpai doesn't give an inch in anything, and she'd never say something lightly...
Is it... is it because I apologized? Is it because of that weird thing she did with her hair? Is it because I pointed out that guy who was looking at Hanei-san?
I mean, sure, the stupid doujin thing was totally my fault, and I blew up at her over it... it was stupid and dumb, and we both felt bad about it. We made up. Lunch with her was admittedly nice, too. Then to find her Sunday dressed in that stuff, and spending time with her...
...It was fun. I could have done without nearly getting killed, of course, but other than that, it was fun.
Seeing Tohno-senpai like that... so different from herself... I don't know if she'd ever admit it, but I think she liked getting out of her routine, even if it was just for that one day. I think that it kinda fits her that every so often, she does something weird like that. Like, even her mind says "Enough is enough, and it's time for a change!"
So... maybe her saying "I think I love you" is part of one of these changes? That she's testing the waters, maybe..? I could see that, but... why me?
Then again, what kind of love is it, now that I think about it? Is it friend love? I mean, that sort of thing definitely exists. In a friendly way, I guess I do kinda love Tohno-senpai, and Hanei-san, and Souka-san, and all of my own classmates, friends, and my roommate. There's nothing wrong, or weird, or immoral about that.
...But is that the kind of love that Tohno-senpai would associate with that word? Tohno-senpai isn't the kind to make that sort of distinction, I think. No, to her... love would be... actual love. A desire to physically be with someone. A person who is there to share in all of the good and the bad of her life, someone who would know all of her secrets... including, apparently, those few that I found out.
The one thing about Tohno-senpai is that she seems to be the type who generally prefers to be left alone most of the time. Which is fine... I mean, some people like to be surrounded by friends and stuff, and some people are quiet and just like to curl up with a good book, or maybe go on the internet or something. There's nothing weird with any of that...
...But the problem is, if that means what I think it does, Tohno-senpai said that she thought she loved someone.
...Me.
And I can't understand that at all.
That's so typical of Tohno-senpai. I think I've figured her out, and then she throws me a curveball.
I don't get what would make her say something like that. It's not typical of her. It's not typical of Tohno-senpai at all. And I can't really figure this out with my head pounding like this...
Maybe if I go lay down for a little while, and have a nap, I'll feel better. Then I can think it over more carefully, too... at the very least, I should try to figure out if Tohno-senpai means a platonic, friendship love...
…...Or a romantic love. Which will be... kinda awkward... I mean, I haven't even had a relationship like that with a boy yet... and, well, the one boy I'd kind of like to do that with, I would probably get killed by Tohno-senpai for even thinking of trying, so it's best not to write my own obituary.
...I put the cover back on my half-eaten lunch, and bag it up.
"Thank you for watching over me, sensei." I carefully hop off of the bed. "Sorry to bother you." I begin to put all of my things inside of my bag, making sure that all of my books and papers are inside of it.
"It's just my job," she says with a bit of a laugh. "Please rest up, Seo-san. Tomorrow's another day. If you're still feeling dizzy or have severe headaches, though, please come visit me before you go to your classes."
"I will. Thank you, sensei," I tell her as I leave, and begin walking to the first-year dorms.
…...Tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel much better, and I should be fine as long as I don't clock my head like that again. A little rest... maybe a good bath... and I'll feel as good as new. I'm sure of it.
"…...But tomorrow, I don't have lunch with Tohno-senpai," I think to myself as I walk out of the nurse's office.
...I need to think this over carefully.
Tohno-senpai... why would she say that?
And more importantly... what should I say to her...?
Next Week (7/3/11) – Chapter 57: "Two Sides of the Sword"