Chapter 57: "Two Sides of the Sword"

Viewpoint: Seo Akira

I flop down on my bed in my dorm as I sigh restlessly up at the ceiling.

Hearing Tohno-senpai say those things... well, I think she said them, but even as my headache and dizziness is going away, those words aren't leaving my mind even as those are.

"I think I love you, Seo."

...It's still a shock. To think that of all the girls who I'd never dare to say something like that to me, that it was the one who topped the list that actually did it.

Even though she did, though... I still don't know WHY she did.

I mean... yeah, okay, I had that vision. It was a nice vision, and nice to draw, but that doesn't mean anything, does it?

…...Does it?

...What would cause her to say something like that? I mean... I'm really a kid still...

Not just in age, but... kinda in how I act, too. She sometimes nags me to act my age. Which makes little sense, because don't most teenagers act like how I do? Besides, she's only a little bit older that me... not quite my mom.

...Still, I don't see Tohno-senpai saying that to just anyone. She doesn't get too close to anyone in the first place. I guess it wouldn't be wrong to say that me, Hanei-san, and Souka-san are the few people that Tohno-senpai can really call friends in the usual way.

Not only that, I'm not the kind of person Tohno-senpai would like at all. She's so formal that she can be almost snobby or stuffy at times. That's not the type of person who would really like a girl like me. I'm too... well, goofy, I guess?

I mean... bit by bit, I am growing up. I'm getting a little taller, a little curvier. It's not just a body thing, because my body's still changing. Mentally I'm changing, too. I guess I'm kinda beginning to grow up a little.

I guess she just finds it... difficult to let that all go at once like I can, I guess. Tohno-senpai and I have totally different personalities, because we were raised differently, so it's no wonder. We all do, really.

Tohno-senpai is the serious one, our taskmaster. She can keep us all in check, on task, and focused. She'll guarantee that whatever we're supposed to be doing will not only get done on time, but it'll also be done the best that we can make it. For her, anything less than the best humanly possible won't do.

Souka-san is a bit of a rebel, but she's a good team player as long as you don't ask her to be excessively formal or anything like that. Souka-san and formality are kind of like oil and water. But I kinda like her independent attitude. If there's one girl who's best-suited to life, I guess I'd say it'd be Souka-san.

Hanei-san is a very hard worker. She never fails to do a task she's asked. Even if the task is difficult, or not to her liking, she does it without question, and in such a zeal that she somehow inspires everyone else working on it to put forth their best efforts, too.

When I'm working on stuff with any of them, how it's done is different, but they'll all make sure it gets done. I think that's really what makes someone who they are – all in how they do things, really.

...So how would I handle something like this?

Going to Tohno-senpai would be a bad idea. She looked nervous to even say it, and I have a feeling if I went to her, it wouldn't do anything but make both of us feel awkward. That's probably why she didn't want to wait for my reaction... in case I told her no.

Souka-san would be ideal to talk to about this... things like relationships seem to be the sorts of things she'd known best, although it'd be a bad idea to ask her what I'd do, since it involves Tohno-senpai. Those two... have a really weird relationship. Souka-san likes to tease Tohno-senpai sometimes, and it seems like she's the only person who can get away with it, too.

Hanei-san... well, she'd also be a bad person to talk to about this. Hanei-san is a wonderfully kind person, but relationships aren't really something she's good with. She knows she's... well, sexy, but Hanei-san doesn't seem to have had a serious relationship in her life yet. It would be like if a sixteen year old girl were to ask her ten year old brother relationship advice – well-intentioned, but ultimately it'll mean nothing.

Turning slightly on my bed to the side, I pick up my small, stuffed border collie I've had since I was about seven or so, and squeeze it in my arms.

"...What should I do, Shizune?"

Of course, I don't get a reply. If I did, I'd probably be going insane, or freaking out.

...Reading Tohno-senpai can be so difficult sometimes. This is one of those times. And... this time, it's something pretty serious.

I mean, I knew Tohno-senpai loved me as a friend, even though she never said it. I could tell. Tohno-senpai would be there a lot of the time, and even stuck up for me once or twice when I got into fights with someone. Even among the first-years, "Demon-senpai" would end any arguments immediately.

...More often than not, unless I was totally in the wrong, though, she seemed to stick up for me. After awhile, it became pretty clear that she seemed to be favoring me, even.

So I became "Demon-senpai's pet."

Some girls were jealous of the fact that she favored me. I mean, even I didn't know why she was doing something like that, because at times, Tohno-senpai can scare even me, and I didn't know whether she would be treating me like a kind senpai, or if she would snatch me up and make me beg for mercy.

But... she favored me regardless. I couldn't argue with that. Eventually, she even began to ask what I thought about stuff... even small, silly things.

I guess that's why it shouldn't surprise me that she saved my life... and revealed her super form or whatever that was to me...

…...Even though it turned out that she was a literal demon. Well, not exactly a LITERAL demon – I mean, she wasn't holding a pitchfork, didn't sprout horns, and certainly didn't have a spade-tipped tail coming out from her butt, but...

I joked about it, yeah. We all did. But the look that was in Tohno-senpai's face when she lifted that thing off my legs... it was both her, and not her, at the same time. It was like... two people in one body, which kinda makes sense since she compared it to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I guess.

I didn't like the look I got when she told me to keep it secret, so I guess it is pretty serious. And, well... something tells me that if I ever blabbed about it, that very bad things would happen.

...And ever since what happened with Shiki-san, I've learned to really trust my gut instinct.

Precognition. An ability I didn't ask for, but one I seem to have. Well... from what Shiki-san's said, it's more like I'm predicting based on the past, but I don't see how I can be doing that. I mean, all I know is the visions that pop into my head are usually pretty accurate...

"...Heh... Ehehe..."

It is kinda funny that I got saved by both her and Shiki-san. Almost like I'm their personal damsel in distress... not that I really want to be. Shiki-san is nice, but Tohno-senpai is scary and difficult to deal with sometimes.

But... she also talked to me a little bit, kinda, about how her and Shiki-san are different, too. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for her... so I wonder... what would Shiki-san be? She mentioned it had something to do with his eyes, but I can't think of any sort of monsters... wait, Medusa maybe...? Shiki-san's eyes changed color when he took off his glasses, I remember, but he didn't make that fake turn into stone or anything... so...?

But, now that I think about it... the way Tohno-senpai put it... it was like... they could become Mr. Hyde without becoming nasty like Mr. Hyde, I think. So... maybe Shiki-san can paralyze his target without turning them into stone, or something...? I don't know. It's confusing.

So... does that make me feel differently about them? Well... not really. I mean, we're all a little different, aren't we? So they're just a little more different than the rest of us. It's not like they walk around at night, murdering people left and right... at least, I've never seen anything like that... so as far as I know, they're still good people.

...Or usually are, in Tohno-senpai's case.

I get up off the bed, and walk to the table, and I see that my roommate has left a note. "Help yourself to what's in the fridge if you're hungry, Aki-chan. I'll be back around 5 PM. — XOXO, Rio."

I smile a little. Rio and I are good friends. She'd probably help me out if I could talk to her about that, and since our third roommate is gone on a bit of a personal vacation (although, if anything, she probably overworked herself yet again) it's basically just me and her in this dorm until the next semester in January. Not that I mind... sometimes, I kinda like it quiet, too.

I probably will ask her about it later today, then. Not that Rio's into girls like that or anything... but she's already trying to analyze people's minds, so that when she goes on to the high school wing and then to college, she can go for psychology and stuff. She wants to be a shrink... though I'd wonder why she'd want to take a crazy profession like that in an insane world like this.

Knowing her, she'd probably just ask me about my feelings, and the feelings of who I was talking to, if I saw them. Well, my feelings are easy enough to tell her, and I could tell that since Tohno-senpai sounded a little worried, or even scared, of what she may have heard if she had stuck around and I had refused her... that should be enough for her to think it over, probably.

Yeah! If she can't help me, there's probably nobody who can. Alright! It's settled then. I'll eat a nice sandwich, I'll have a few hours to nap, and when I get up, I'll bring it up to her.

Then, after that, I can decide what to do or where to go from there. Because, if Tohno-senpai really does love me... like, in a romantic girlfriend way...

...I have no experience with that stuff, so I'd probably be pretty bad at it. It's not like I'm used to romantic stuff... I mean, Shiki-san was the first man I hugged, and that was after I nearly got killed by fake. Even with guys, my experience doesn't go much past that.

Not to mention my age... I'm still 15 for another few months, at least. That's too young for some people to think I'm ready for a relationship like that... although there may be a few people who chalk it up as a Class S or something.

But, I guess love is blind, too. You can't help it sometimes, right?

And it's not like we have anything but the faintest sense of things such as age instinctively. I mean, as far as that's concerned, once we begin showing signs of maturity, we're good to go... and, well, I know all too well that I'm definitely past the point where it could be second-guessed. I still look a little young, yeah... but it's not like I haven't gone through days where my chest felt so sensitive I wanted to wear nothing on it, or when my stomach didn't cramp so bad I just wanted to lay in bed, or nights when I'd wake up to the feeling of my underwear sticking to me and the smell of blood thick in the air from a period that began while I was sleeping.

Yeah. If Tohno-senpai loves me like that, she probably can't help it, and doesn't really care about things like that. I'm just that cute! I got charm and spunk and stuff! A lot of guys would want a cute girlfriend like me!

...But, Tohno-senpai is a girl. If she does, then I don't know how I can love her back like that, or even if I should... I mean, if I told her no, it would hurt less than pretending to be okay with it, I know that...

If she were a boy, this would be a lot easier. I mean, then we could go for walks and do stuff together. Like, if it were Shiki-san...

...I feel myself blushing at that thought. I wouldn't mind Shiki-san being my boyfriend, even if he is a few years older.

But... Tohno-senpai is another girl, so we can't exactly hold hands in public without getting a lot of stares. Well, I mean, we COULD. Friends do that sort of stuff, but it'd look weird if we did more than that. Like kissing or something... at least, anything more than one on a cheek. If we touched lips, people would definitely stare, and begin to ask questions...

...Why am I thinking all this stuff? I could just be totally misinterpreting what Tohno-senpai said. She may just love me as a friend, and not like that... I guess I should probably just see what Rio thinks about it. If anyone can pick apart the mind of Tohno-senpai, it'd be her.

Ah well. Okay. First a bit of a soak. Then a good meal. THEN a little catnap. Yeah. That's perfect.

I walk into the bathroom, and begin to change out of my clothes.

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

I rush out of the room almost as fast as my legs will take at a walking pace. I am scarcely a dozen steps when my mind begins to berate me.

"Idiot, why did you do that?ǃ Do you want to mess up your relationship with Seo againǃ ? You already messed it up once, you might not get a second chance! Do you realize what the ramifications of telling her something like are?ǃ "

…...Shut up. You don't know a damn thing of what you want...!

I sigh in exasperation as I walk off to my dorm. I need to think. I need to be alone. I need space, and time, and quiet to think...

I walk there and unlock it with my key. And luckily... nobody is inside.

...Except for Misawa Hanei.

…...Space, time, and quiet just went out the window like a gunshot.

"Oh, good afternoon, Akiha-chan!" Cheerful as always. "How was your day?"

But I do not want cheer. Not right now...

"I just want some quiet if you do not mind, Hanei..." I walk over to my bed and lay down upon it. Well, perhaps "flop" would be a more apt wording.

Hanei blinks and looks me over slightly, a look of concern already beginning to cross over her face. "Did something happen, Akiha-chan...?"

"Nothing you need to know," I tell her curtly.

"...Wow... is today your—"

"No, it is NOT, Hanei, and don't ask me about such things!"

Hanei looks like she wants to cry. She nods slightly, and quickly leaves me be.

...A pang of guilt washes over me once she disappears.

…...Great. I'm fucking up everywhere today, aren't I...?

I sigh, and after scourging myself mentally, I get off my bed, and walk back out to where Hanei is. She turns towards me as I approach her once more.

"…...Sorry," I say with a sigh. "I have a lot on my mind. I am not mad at you, Hanei, and I did not mean to snap at you like I did, I just do not know what I should do about..."

...I cannot finish it. If I did, then what Hanei thinks of me might be different forever.

But... if I do not... I run the risk of Seo saying it to her, too. And while I do not know how Hanei would react to such information... I can already imagine how Souka will be grinning from ear to ear over it, as if some crazy gambit she had worked up had managed to pay off.

Argh... what do I do? This is so confusing, so frustrating. All of this because I confessed some of my feelings. All of this because I felt panicked, and guilty, and I carelessly let down my guard and allowed those words to slip out! This is why I usually do not! It makes life far more complicated than I want it or need it to be...!

"...About what, Akiha-chan?" Hanei asks.

"…...It is something personal, so perhaps it is best left unsaid," I tell her.

"Akiha-chan…... usually nothing gets you like this..." Even Hanei can see the turmoil. "...What's on your mind?" She adopts a somewhat rare tone – a serious tone, almost a motherly one.

"…...I will be fine," I say. "I just need some time and space to sort everything out. So please, Hanei..."

She looks at me resolutely, seems to study my expression for a few moments, and then nods in consent. "Okay, Akiha-chan. But if you want to talk about it, I'll be in the bathroom combing my hair, okay?" She smiles slightly.

"...Yeah. Thanks, Hanei." I nod in appreciation to her, and she walks off, giving me my privacy.

I lay back down on my bed, and sigh once more, staring up at the ceiling of our dorm as if it were somehow confronting eternity.

…...I am not sure if I did the right thing, honestly. I mean... what I told Seo was not a small, trifling matter. A person's heart is one of the most private things that can have. It is strange that we know all of our emotions formulate in the brain, and yet, because it is love, we associate the heart, and hearts in general, with it, even though all the heart realistically is, is but a pump for blood circulation.

Worse, it is something that can be so easily misconstrued. Even worse... I am not even sure if Seo is sexually active, much less lesbian or bisexual. If she is not, then... this whole thing is rather futle, and all of my feelings are essentially for naught.

But... something... something told me that it was the right thing to do. Something told me that I should just lay it on the line, and take whatever chances that I would be taking.

I believe it is called "gut instinct."

...I hope it was right.

It is too late to take it back now; that is what I know at the present. I said what I said; it is now a moment in the past. I do not know what the result will be; that is in the future.

But... I hope Seo will not hold it against me and damn me for it. Even... even if she just gracefully declines and says she wants to remain friends, that will be okay. It... will hurt, but I will endure. I would rather have her admit that she is not that type, but still wishes to be friends, than to have her just completely reject me for unfairly throwing this kind of choice upon her.

Because... full rejection would crush me helplessly, I think. I still want to be friends with her, even if she does not return my feelings in that way. I am not sure why I feel so strongly a wish to remain her friend... even though the girl is several years younger than me, I feel a little better when she is around.

Seo, Souka, and Hanei... truth be told...

…...They are really the only friends I have.

Hisui is still a servant, being unable to see me as anything but "Akiha-sama." Kohaku straddles the fences of advisor, mother, servant, and friend. Yumizuka-san is all of those as well, minus the mother role.

And of course... Nii-san is my brother.

But Seo, Souka, and Hanei... they are just pure friends. The only ones I have. The people whom, for better or worse, have become more than momentary acquaintances or temporarily of note. They are people whom I have occasionally thought about, or done things with.

...And, of course, there is no escaping what Souka did to me.

So losing any of them... it would be a crushing blow.

I hope I made the right choice. I really do. This... this is just so incredibly difficult to predict.

I hate uncertain futures. I might not know my ultimate fate, but at least I have an inkling of where my life will lead over the next several years. Any sort of unpredictable variables that can throw it into disarray are usually avoided by me, because unpredictability is something to be shunned.

One lives ideally when one knows where not only the next day, or next week, are known, but when the next month, the next year, the next five or even ten years are known. And all of my life, ever since "his" inversion, I have been taught what I would be expected to do. Run the family. Investigate problems between branches. Resolve all disputes. Make all of the final calls, all of the final decisions.

And in each problem that arose, I would be able to take a look at all of the issues that everyone was having, all of the background evidence, arguments, and counter-arguments, and then retire to ruminate on them.

...Except for this one.

On this... I am taking a chance. And I lept headfirst into it, like some insane martyr, willing to throw it all away for a cause that may be completely in vain. A stupid cause, ultimately, because it does absolutely nothing to propagate my genes... although considering the blood that runs through my veins, that may actually be a good thing.

...And yet.

Martyrs throw their lives away because they believe it is a cause worth dying for. I am not dying literally, of course, only in a emotional sense, but... I did that, so I must think that telling her what I did is something worth this fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

...I only wish I knew the answer. An event like this... it is eating me inside. I am used to being the one who makes the final calls, and yet this is a call that is completely and totally out of my control. It is, ultimately, Seo Akira who will make this call... assuming that fate does not intervene.

Ahead lays a long road, with no end in sight... with Seo Akira at the end. And I do not know if there are any roadblocks, or detours, or anything that will force me off my path to her. I am driving blind, with my ears plugged, my eyes closed, and the my foot firmly clamped down upon the gas pedal.

A horn honks outside. A glance outside reveals that the nurse must have called my driver again. I am terribly inconveniencing him. Maybe he should get a bit of a bonus, I never call on him this early...

"...See you tomorrow, Hanei," I say with a notable tang of gloom in my voice as I exit our dorm room.

...What am I supposed to do about all of this?
More than that... what will she say about it...?
I should prepare... for both the best, and the worst...

Next Week (7/10/11) – Chapter 58 "Yin and Yang ~Black Side~"