Chapter 58: "Yin and Yang ~Black Side~"
Viewpoint: Seo Akira
I sit on the balcony outside my dorm, looking at the thickening clouds of the evening sky.
Rio and I talked about what Tohno-senpai said for a few good hours. She doesn't know Tohno-senpai personally – only the legends of her, which can sometimes be way more false than true, so I had to make sure I explained a lot of things to her.
And as usual, she sat there quietly, and took it all in, asking the occasional question when she needed some clarification, and after I wound it all down and asked her what she thought about her behavior, she sat back for a few moments in her chair, closed her eyes, and when they opened, she came out with this.
"She's struggling to come to grips with herself, Aki-chan, and in finding out these things about herself, she's very scared of how you'd react. That's why she made you promise and that's why she left immediately, so that if it was bad she wouldn't see it right away."
...Rio somehow always makes it sound so obvious that you'd have to be a fool to miss it. It's probably her worst flaw.
But then again... Rio is pretty much right about her guesses most of the time. Accurate enough for me to trust her as correct.
I guess in retrospect, then, I can kind of see why she was so quick to leave. Maybe that side of her has been secret to everyone... maybe even herself...?
It would make sense that Tohno-senpai might hide from herself a little... she said she kind of didn't like that "other side" of her. But... if a person doesn't truly know themselves, then how do they know what they want...?
...How would Tohno-senpai know that she would want me?
For that matter... why me, of all people? I'm... really nothing special. Not like she is, anyway. I don't really have super powers or anything like that... I just see visions sometimes, and they don't always come true. Considering how heavy that pillar was that Tohno-senpai lifted, if I tried to fight her I'd probably lose... well, even if she didn't do that stuff I'd lose anyway, since I've never really been in a fight before.
...And truth be told... I'm not fully sure what I think about liking Tohno-senpai like that. I've never done those sorts of things with anyone before, not even boys, so... I'm not exactly going to be very good at relationships. I've had a few crushes before, but certainly not on another girl. Hanei-san, Souka-san, and Tohno-senpai are all my senpai and friends... not someone I tried to have Class S relationships with.
...But Tohno-senpai wants to be more. "I think I love you, Seo." That isn't something friends usually say to friends, right? Not unless one's a very, very close friend... but I don't think I'm at that kind of a relationship with Tohno-senpai.
If I were, it'd be news to me.
But she said it to me. That means... she considers me more than a friend, or a kouhai, or anything like that. It means I'm a little more important...
...Should I return those feelings, even if they're not truly what I think? Should I test the water? I really don't know what to do, I've never been in this sort of situation before...
I sigh. This is frustrating. I mean, I know what Rio said, yeah, but what am I supposed to do about what she said? Talking to Tohno-senpai about this now would do nothing but cause way more problems. I know how Tohno-senpai thinks. Confronting her is dangerous. The whole air around her seems to get hot when she is angry.
...But if I just sit here and do nothing, I'm not going to get any kinds of answers that I want. Which is... frustrating. Because even though I trust Rio's judgment on this...
…...I still don't understand why Tohno-senpai would tell me she loved me like that.
I look up and to the left. The lights are on in Tohno-senpai's dorm. Although I know she isn't going to be there at this time of day, maybe Souka-san or Hanei-san are...
...Maybe they can help me fill in the blanks. I hop off the stone border and walk back inside.
"Rio! I'll be back soon!" I shout to my roommate as I take my key for my dorm and begin walking towards the high school branch.
I knock on the door a couple of times. After a few moments, it opens, and Souka-san looks back at me. "Akira? What's up?" She blinks a bit, slightly surprised that I'm here.
"...Souka-san, there is something I need to talk to yo about... Can I come in and talk with you in private, please?" I bow in respect to my senpai.
"Uh, yeah, sure. Hanei's running around doing stuff anyway." She scratches her head for a moment before brushing some of her hair out of her face. "Come in." She steps away from the door, and I enter. As usual, this familiar room is kept quite neat and tidy. Tohno-senpai keeps it pretty tidy... or else tells Hanei-san to clean it up, anyway.
"Uh... Tohno-senpai isn't here, is she?" I close the door behind me, looking around for any sign of her. If she's here, then...
"Nah, she left a few hours ago," Souka-san says with a shrug of her shoulders. "Why, wanted to talk to her, Akira? You got her home number, don't you?"
"N-No... but... it is about her." I blush a little at this admission.
"Oh?" Souka-san looks at me with a strange look. Like... she's not entirely surprised.
...Uh-oh. That look on Souka-san's face is scary.
"...She said something to me earlier today, and I don't know what to think about it, Souka-san," I tell her. "It... it was so unlike Tohno-senpai, that I don't know what to think... so I talked to my roommate about it, and that just made my mind think of even more confusing thoughts..."
"Well, start with the basics, Akira. What'd Tohno say to you?" Souka-san puts her hands on her hips.
"...Promise you won't tell her about this?"
"Huh? What? I never talked with ya." She gives a slight smirk. It takes me a few moments, but I get it.
I take a deep breath. Feeling the reaper waiting behind me and breathing on my neck, I sign my death warrant. "Well... she said 'I think I love you, Seo.'"
Souka-san nods, as if this confirmed her suspicion. "Yup. Had a hunch."
"...You knew about this?" I blink, surprised.
"Well, in a way, you can blame me..." She smirks.
I swallow.
…...…Needless to say, I'm so red by the time Souka-san finishes her explanation that if I turned any more red my skin would begin leaking blood.
I... kinda figured Souka-san would be that type. She's just too much of a tomboy to date a guy, and hardly ever is into anything even remotely girly.
But... to do THAT to Tohno-senpai...? How did she even come back alive...?
"...That's the long and short of it, Akira. So I guess I'm to blame for her newfound thoughts and feelings. I'll certainly accept the responsibility." Souka-san simply shrugs.
...All I can do is nod. I really don't know what to say.
According to a lot of people, a relationship is supposed to be between a guy and a girl. That's what society tells us is "normal" so it's what most of us do. More than that... it's what genetics and biology dictate are normal. Two boys can't make a baby, but neither can two girls.
But... we ultimately don't care about what our genetics say, and simply love who we want to, don't we...? We're contradicting ourselves and the greater good of the species by loving someone of the same gender.
…...Not that Souka-san was ever the type to go along with such conventions.
Souka-san told that story as if it were a perfectly normal, calm, and ordinary day. As if her whole life had been this way all along.
...But it wasn't. I know that for a fact.
I kinda always wondered why Souka-san was never, ever caught with boys or stuff. I figured she just knew how to keep her tracks clean, is all.
...She certainly did, if I didn't even pick up on her liking girls like that.
Then again... I've never thought of myself in that way, ever. I mean... it's not like I don't have those sorts of feelings from time to time, but they were always about boys.
...And Shiki-san once or twice.
But that's as far as it got. I wouldn't dare to try that, because Tohno-senpai would have ripped me from limb to limb. And if she could lift that heavy thing off my legs... I *KNOW* she could easily tear my body apart.
And dead girls can't smile.
"...So... you did, uh, that, and that's what's making her say things like that...?" I ask her.
"I don't know if that's the EXACT cause, but it's definitely a factor at least, Akira." She sips her drink. "Tohno don't say stuff for no reason, you know. So I'm pretty sure she ain't lyin' to ya, but at the same time, only that girl knows why she said it."
Souka-san is so... calm about this. Way calmer than she should be. She's almost shrugging this off like it was just some small event in her life, about as important as going to the bathroom or something.
...Hearing what she did to Tohno-senpai, I'll definitely say she's a LOT braver than I am. And probably luckier. Way, way more lucky. I probably would've been strangled to death for even thinking of doing something like what Souka-san actually managed to do.
"Did... uh, did she like it?"
...And then a thought crosses my mind that really shouldn't have, because by the time I realize what I've said, it's already been out of my mouth.
Souka-san arches her eyebrows in surprise, as if she hadn't expected me to ask that. "At first? Nah. She was saying things like 'We can't do that, we're girls, and society says so!' She wasn't thinking that for very long, though. In fact... let me start from the beginning..." An oddly sheepish smile of pride crosses Souka-san's face.
I swallow.
"...I... I see," I say, fumbling for words.
Souka-san described that in probably way more detail than she had to. And when she did, the way she was saying it was like she was recalling a fond memory of hers, like it was the sort of memories of a couple who have been married for a long time would remember about their youth. I barely managed to convince her I didn't need to know how pretty Tohno-senpai's genitals were.
...I'd never do that, that's for sure. I value my life too much.
And yet... if Tohno-senpai loves me... then... realistically... that would be part of it, wouldn't it? I mean... when people fall in love... that's the sort of things lovers do...
"So... what should I do, Souka-san?" I ask, trying to get rid of the images Souka-san's words have put into my head. They're filthy. They're not the kind of images that Tohno-senpai would want me to have of her, that is for sure...
"Well... the best thing to do would be to be honest, Akira." Souka-san offers a shrug of simple explanation. "Do you think you'd love her like that?"
"I... I don't know," I confess. "I've never been with a girl before... not like how you were, anyway..."
She smirks slightly. "Well, she wasn't exactly complaining after a few moments... it can't hurt to try it, can it? That's one of the tricks to taming Tohno. She will act with a lot of hot air and bravado, but if you know how to counter all of that... she can be quite passive. It's just a matter of knowing what to do."
"...Well... I guess it couldn't hurt, but... I don't know... I mean..." I sigh and swallow to try to get rid of the uncomfortable tightness in my chest. "Tohno-senpai can be really, really scary, and we already had a fight over one of my doujinshi, so I don't want to misinterpret her words and get her angry at me..."
Souka-san looks at me, smiling a bit, but quite serious. "Listen carefully, Akira. I can kinda tell where Tohno is goin' with this... and my guess is that if you let her, she'll take very good care of you."
...That causes heat to rise to my cheeks. I think I know what Souka-san is getting at when she says Tohno-senpai would take "very good care of me."
...The problem is, that something is a very dirty thing. And not something I thought Tohno-senpai would ever be the type to do those things with. Her being with a girl would be like Shiki-san and Arihiko-san...
…...Uwahhhh, that's an even worse mental image! Out! Get out of my mind...! I shake my head to quickly scatter it.
"...Why would she care about me, though? She alternates between picking on me and being nice to me. It's so confusing..." I sigh sharply.
"Yeah... but that's how love is too, kinda. Loving someone is kind of like feeling like you want to spend the rest of your time with one person... while thinking of all the ways you want to kill them." She laughs somewhat at her own distasteful joke. "...Nevermind that, Akira. Think about it... have you ever felt that way for someone? The wanting to be with them part, that is."
...Well... yeah. Shiki-san, I guess... especially after he saved my life. I never felt as alive, nor as safe, as I did walking with Shiki-san that night. It was such a strange combination, even if my cheeks burned the whole time and I had to eat Soba that, in retrospect, wasn't all too bad.
"...Once or twice, maybe," I say. "Awhile ago when Tohno-san saved me, I definitely felt it. I kinda felt something similar last weekend when Tohno-senpai saved me, too."
"And you wanted to do things to him when you felt like that, didn't you?"
...Things. By that, Souka-san means... things... men and women do together... in private...
…...Things…... like…...
"…...Yes," I say as I blush, feeling all of the blood and heat in my body rise up to my cheeks.
Souka-san giggles at it. "That's probably how Tohno is feeling for you. She kinda views you as a little more than a friend or a kouhai, I think. She's viewing you as someone who she can trust, someone who she can love. But don't lead her on if you're not serious about returning or accepting those feelings, Akira." Souka-san's voice turns serious. "If you don't think you can do it, it's probably best to just say you can't, and still be friends with her. Rejecting her completely would probably be pretty bad."
"...I see," I say.
My confusion, in some ways, has both decreased and increased.
Decreased, because now I know why she said what she said. Souka-san's words make sense. And she is right... Tohno-senpai is looking out for me, even as she picks on me and stuff.
Increased... because I'm still wondering why she said that to me, of all people. There's a lot of girls Tohno-senpai could have started that kind of relationship with... like Souka-san…...
...Wait.
If Souka-san's actions are the reason that Tohno-senpai is beginning to have these sorts of thoughts... then wouldn't she be a better pick for Tohno-senpai's special person, and not me?
I mean, I don't know any of this stuff, aside from the usual teases and such. An actual relationship isn't something I've had, so wouldn't Tohno-senpai be better served being in one with someone who seems to clearly know what she is doing when it comes to them...?
"...Don't you want her to say she loves you though, Souka-san? Especially with what you did to her? I mean... that's what lovers do, right? So why would she pick someone who's not used to that sort of stuff as opposed to someone who's clearly okay with it...?" I blink.
Souka-san laughs. "Eh... Tohno and I could be friends, but lovers? That'd be kind of tough. She's too proper, and I don't really like being all proper and crap like that. I guess you could say we're friends with benefits..." She smirks.
...Friends with benefits.
It's not like I haven't heard that term before. It's like friends... but with... well... sexual stuff, too. I have nobody like that in my life... obviously. I'm still a little too young for it, I think...
"...But Tohno needs someone who she can love, and be loved by," Souka-san continues. "I don't think I could do it. Hanei is a sweet girl but she needs someone who has LOTS of time to invest, and Tohno's too busy for that. Obviously she's not going to step over the bounds with her maids... so as far as girls go, that leaves you... or Shijyou Tsukasa, and I doubt that girl is gonna let Tohno anywhere near her." Souka-san laughs.
...So it's a process of elimination, is it? Tohno-senpai is picking me because there's nobody else...
"...Great... so I'm the 'because there's nobody else' pick, huh..."
"Nah, nothing like that." Souka-san quickly shakes her head. "You said so yourself... she's looking out for you and helps you when you need it the most. She does seem to take an odd liking to you, and she does occasionally mention you or compliment you well out of earshot. And, well, last Sunday..."
...She saved my life. I don't need to be reminded.
When Souka-san puts it all into perspective, all of the little things begin to add up. Perhaps what she did is what made Tohno-senpai realize her same-sex relationships are important as well. Tohno-senpai was never excessively cruel or cold... scary sometimes, sure, but she would praise our groups on work well done.
And yet, she would watch over us all, but yet I would be the metric of the group's success. The one she'd push hardest to be the best, and be representative of the group as a whole. It's why I got my reputation as her pet, of sorts.
"...You're right," I say as I slide out of my seat. "Alright... I think I got what I need to help me think this over. Thank you, Souka-san." I bow in gratitude.
She just waves her hand. "No need to bow to me, Akira, you're a friend. But I'm serious... only accept that if you think you can – and more importantly, if you want to – be with Tohno like that." It's a rare, stentorian tone from Souka-senpai... a tone that commands me to listen. "She doesn't show it, but when she doubts herself like this, it's very easy to make her fall to pieces. So if you can't be a lover to her... keep being a friend, and she'll be okay."
"...Alright." I nod. "Thank you for the advice. Good night, Souka-san."
"'Night to you too, Akira. Try to sleep, okay? Don't let all of this get to you. It's a lot to ask, I know, but just keep calm about it and I'm sure you'll be fine."
"...I'll do my best," I say as I exit the room. The door shuts behind me.
…...I swallow.
...The tossing and turning doesn't stop. As much as I'm trying to get this out of my head, I... can't.
My eyes open, and even though my mind will not stop thinking about all of the stuff that has happened, they beg for me to close them once again and try to return to sleeping, even though it's futile.
…...I know I'll see her tomorrow, somewhere. And I've been thinking about this all night. About how I'll respond, and how she'll react when she sees me, and all of those nervous, strange feelings that fly through our heads before we recognize them. Feelings that are a combination of both events of the moment, and instinctual responses to things we don't even notice.
We're all weird like that. They say you make impressions of people within the first ten seconds or so of seeing or hearing them.
I remember my first impressions of Tohno-senpai very well. I was in my last year before moving on to high school. At that time, Tohno-senpai was a first-year, and even at that point, she had an incredible reputation and a mystery around her. The top of charts academically, and one of the most dominant personalities on the campus. She was in the running for school idol that year, and although she did not actively campaign – or for that matter, even accept the nomination – she finished second only to Hanei-san.
...I thought she was a scary person and somehow if I wound up associating myself with her, it'd be bad news for me; a series of unfortunate events. And, well, I guess that's half-true... but even though I simply minded my own business, she sought me out on her own.
I guess that may be why I nearly got killed a year later, because that was the prediction I saw coming true, one of danger.
…...And yet, it was knowing her that ultimately saved my life, because while trying to reach her, Shiki-san was the person who had actually picked up the phone. Shiki-san was the one who prevented me from ending up like the deaths of the people I had seen in my visions, of being another in the body count of a murderer.
It's kinda silly to say it, but somehow, that seems to be the sorts of things that make someone feel more alive, being near death. It's why we enjoy occasionally being scared, or really fast amusement park rides like roller coasters. The feeling of risk, of danger, and yet – assuming all goes well – there is no actual danger or risk to life or limb.
...It's kind of how I feel around Tohno-senpai.
She's a scary and dangerous person, yeah. She's not the sort of person I would want to run into in a back alley, that's for sure. And... especially with her other form... I know for a fact that if she really wanted me to, she could make me vanish from this world, and not even mom or dad would ever know what had really happened to their daughter, Seo Akira.
...But yet, that's not the sense I get around Tohno-senpai.
For all of her scariness, and hair-raising orders... Tohno-senpai is really a good person deep down. She just may not know how to express it so well, because her upbringing demanded her to be elegant and an Ojou-sama constantly. An elite in every sense of the word – lineage, money, power, influence.
…...That's what made last weekend so unusual. To see Tohno-senpai eating a hotdog and wearing clothes that Souka-san would have approved of... it's a sight I'll never really forget.
My thoughts are brought back to reality by a loud noise. Looking over in its direction, I see that Rio is curled up in her bed, snoring away happily, sprawled and spread out over virtually the whole of her bed without the slightest care in the world.
At least SOMEONE is getting sleep. Too bad it isn't me...
I sigh, and get out of bed and, after unlocking the doors to it, I walk onto our balcony, looking up at the night sky. The heavens have opened up, and I hear the rain falling onto the ground, and it heads steadily downward. Little silver streaks that rush towards their fate.
That cold, November rain that just soaks into your clothing and your bones.
...I watch it fall.
And fall.
And fall...
...Tohno-senpai is certainly an interesting personality.
It's going to be a long night before tomorrow comes.
So... I'd better think of what I will say while I can...
Next Week (7/17/11) – Chapter 59: "Yin and Yang ~White Side~"