Chapter 59: "Yin and Yang ~White Side~"
Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha
...This day was not supposed to end this way. None of it. Stupid emotions clouding my mind... they, they caused all of this! They clouded my mind, and my better judgment, and as a result of that, they completely messed all of my plans up!
I... I wanted to have lunch with her. To prepare her a little. And instead, I smacked into her about as hard as I could hit someone. I am LUCKY she only had a light concussion. What if... what if I had done something worse? What if I had accidentally fractured or broken a bone on her, or…...?
...I hate myself. I know it is silly to hate myself over this, because this was just a freak accident, and everyone has an accident or makes a mistake from time to time, but... how could someone ever love me with what I did, accident or not? You do not hit someone whom you truly love, ever!
Though... really... I did not technically hit her. I just ran into her. A freak accident is a freak accident, yes... but accidents can be prevented. Had I been more careful, I would have noticed her running just as hard as I was, and in that case, I probably would not have injured her, like I did.
And as a result, I could not ask her. Instead, all I could do is, like a broken woman, blurt out my words, and throw caution entirely to the wind, and simply hope for the result that I want.
...I sigh. I have to prepare myself for BOTH answers... and I do not know when they will come. It may be tomorrow, next week... who knows?
…...Only Seo Akira.
In some ways, this is even worse than anticipating talking with Souka on Monday, because now the answer can come at any time, whether I am prepared to hear it or not...
Or, for that matter, the form of it may take upon are a kaleidoscope of ways. She may journey to my house and tell me personally. She may call me on the telephone. She may approach me in school. She may leave a note with Souka or Hanei. She may—
...A knock on my door. I can tell by the knock it is Yumizuka-san.
"…...Come in," I say, even though right now I am not in a very talkative mood.
She enters in her service kimono, with a small tray of snacks and tea. She looks into my expression for a moment. "...Still thinking about it, huh?"
…...Yumizuka-san, as usual, is correct. Just like that, she is able to assess my mental condition. It is pointless to deny it, but I do not feel like affirming it either, so I say nothing.
She sets the tray down in my lap after placing a pillow over it. "You know... you shouldn't beat yourself up over that, Akiha-san. It's not like you MEANT to run into Seo-chan, is it?"
"O-Of course not!" I immediately proclaim my innocence. "But then I had to tell her that while her mind wasn't completely focused, and she might have misheard me, or misinterpreted me, or thought I was pulling a mean pra—"
A finger greets my lips, silencing them. "...Enough, Akiha-san. You're beating yourself up pointlessly." Yumizuka-san's expression is a serious one.
I look at her. Even though her expression is serious, there is a slight hint of a smile, and her finger is only very lightly pressed up against my lips.
I feel all the desire to argue her demands leave my body, through a dispirited sigh.
…...She is right, I suppose. I am probably overreacting, but still... I had such plans for today. I wanted to have a good lunch, a pleasant conversation, and then bring it up a little more gently and slowly. This way, it would have been natural, careful, and we both would have been mentally prepared for it; she would be in a joyful mood and I would be at my mental best.
And what we got, of course... was far worse.
Instead, in our mutual rush to meet each other under the tree, we turned our bodies into speeding projectiles, with her taking far more of the force of the hit than I did. And so rather than have a pleasant lunch with Seo, I had a fairly awkward conversation with a concussed Seo, leading to me not being able to stand it any longer, just blurting it out, and leaving before she could say a word, like some immature child, instead of the young lady I am supposed to be.
Maybe my action was selfish... I do not know. I know what I think about it, but I do not know if that is what others think about it. I do know that the decision is now up to Seo Akira, and the gods now...
I shake my head in frustration and tenseness.
"...You're worried she'll say no?" Yumizuka-san says something surprising.
"Eh?" I look up at her.
"Seo-chan. You're worried about how she'd react, right?"
"...How'd you know that, Yumizuka-san?" I blink.
She taps her ears. "You were mumbling it to yourself. Heightened senses, Akiha-san..."
"...Right, right..." I say with a sigh. I sometimes keep forgetting that Yumizuka-san has the attributes of a vampire... for better or for worse. "Yes. I said something to her, and so... I'm worried about the implications."
"Well, what you said was pretty serious, Akiha-san. Telling someone you love them is pretty big." She crosses her arms a bit. "That's not the sort of language you throw around lightly. If you did, then telling someone you love them would have no real meaning, now would it?"
...She DID hear it, then. I look down, feeling the blood rise to my cheeks and my face, along with an urge to want to just disappear from this room.
"It's okay, Akiha-san. In fact... I think it's nice you have feelings for her that way."
I look up, confused, to see a smiling Yumizuka-san after making a statement like that.
...Why would she think that something like that is nice? I mean, I suppose it is nice that I have feelings for Yumizuka-san, but...
…...How is that nice?
Having feelings for friends is important. Caring for them and helping them when you can is what makes a friendship grow stronger. When two people help each other out, it can form very strong bonds... and if they are of compatible sexuality, perhaps even love. But...
…...I do not know if Seo Akira's sexuality lies within this. I know mine does, and I know how I feel about her... but I do not know if she will feel similarly to me.
The heart of a girl is a puzzle unto itself; an enigma even unto itself. Not even its very owners know what they want sometimes... and this is one of those times, for me. Where I know what I want... but am not sure if I will get it, for it is not something I can just snap my fingers and expect to get.
"Nice? How?" I ask.
"Well, think about it, Akiha-sama. How important is she to you?" She states a simple question.
…...How important...?
Seo is my friend. A good friend. A... friend who I probably should treat a little better...
...No. She is not a mere friend. How I feel about her... this goes beyond a traditional senpai and kouhai relationship, or even a friendship.
I said it myself... I love her... I think.
...I think...?
No... this is not something I think...
I... I do...
...I do love her.
"…...Very important," I finally say.
Yumizuka-san smiles. "Well then... don't worry about it so much, Akiha-san. You did what you could. You spoke from your heart." She smiles. "So now all that's left is for you to just clear your mind. Don't worry, though... I have a good feeling about this."
"...Why do you say that?" I look at her.
"Well, the way Seo-chan is around you... she seems quite happy and content, Akiha-san," Yumizuka-san says. "It seems to me like she's simply happy to be around you, talk with you, and share a part of her life with you. So don't sweat the small stuff, and just look at the big picture, right?"
...She is, now that I think about it. And, admittedly... so was I. Last Sunday... that was some of the happiest moments I had ever had, spending time with her, and Hanei... although I could have done without the pillar falling across her legs.
But still... even then... all I cared about was freeing her. Even at the cost of my secrets... because given the choice of revealing my secrets, or the death of my kouhai... I chose the former. I would not be able to forgive myself if I had let her die.
But the price that I am now forced to pay... is a horrible price.
Horrible secrets. The secrets of a demon. Of one who, at any time, can turn into just that, and kill everyone, and everything, that she has loved and ever loved.
Dangerous secrets. Secrets of my past, of my present, and of my potential future. A life of living alone, and dying alone, as all beasts do.
Dark secrets. The sordid history of the Tohno, in a limited form. The fact that it runs in my blood, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it, except for sheer willpower.
…...Can I trust her with my secrets? I gave her a sort of explanation... but... if... if this does become mutual love... then such an explanation will not suffice. I will have to tell her more of myself.
...No, not just more... all of it. Who I really am. WHAT I really am...
...Everything. She... would deserve nothing less than the truth, and hiding that truth from her can be dangerous, and deadly.
…...So I would have to say it all. But... I would.
That is why I am so nervous...
...Because I have never told that to anyone who I did not consider family. Kohaku and Hisui know it. Nii-san knows it. Yumizuka-san knows it.
The difference is... they know it because, well, they have to know it. If they do not know it, then it would be inconvenient at best... and outright dangerous at worst. And none of them are exactly normal, either... even Hisui and Kohaku have their abilities, although they are far less exercised than mine, or even Nii-san's...
They learned it because they had to. They had no choice.
But outside of them, nobody else knows who the real Tohno Akiha is.
Nobody else knows the cursed blood in her veins that is coursing through her body. Nobody else knows that there are some nights where the demon side is more dominant than the human side. Nobody else knows that to love someone like me... they would have to be a certain kind of person that most people could never in their lives even hope to begin to be.
She... she would be the first outside of family to know it. And in the process... I would make her family.
Because... we would be a couple.
Lovers. Two souls, two bodies, two minds... one team.
Working towards our goals, our hopes, our desires, our dreams, whatever they may be...
...That is what we would be.
Whether we will be a team that will work out... I do not know. It is possible that, even after getting together and being a couple for some time, that we may not work out. There have been relationships, after all, that started out with two people deeply in love, only to learn that the more they lived together, the less compatible that they turned out to be with themselves. I do not think this is a case that will happen with myself and Seo, but of course, I cannot rule out the possibility of it.
And if it does not work out... whom, then?
Souka would be the most likely possibility, in this regard. She is certainly someone who would have no problem doing... well... the more carnal aspects of a relationship, and she is a rather laid-back person, mentally. The question is, is she capable of withstanding the fact that I am a monster...?
And not just a monster... but one in sheep's clothing?
I cannot be remiss to pretend that I am anything but that. A demon in human skin is still a demon. Even if she has the thought processes, intelligence, and attitudes of a human, a demon is what she was and a demon is always what she will be.
...Even if a demon can fall in love, as this one has.
"I will leave you to your thoughts. Goodnight, Akiha-san." With a smile and a soft bow, Yumizuka-san leaves.
"...Goodnight, Yumizuka-san," I say to the door as it closes with a soft click.
As I lay awake in my bed that night, I reflect upon all of the things that have transpired so far.
In the last few weeks, my life has changed quite dramatically. My self-identity, my thoughts, my feelings... they all have changed.
And the reason this all changed, I think... is due to Yumizuka-san.
She came into my life so suddenly. Now... I feel I almost cannot do without her. In some ways, it almost makes me not want to have a cure, but that would be inconsiderate to her.
No... more than that... it would be a grave sin.
She did not choose to become of this world, after all. She is a victim of a tragic fate. Curiosity killed the cat, as well as Yumizuka Satsuki.
It is strange. Usually, even to someone like Yumizuka-san, I would not so willingly divulge myself as I did when we met. The only reason I did is because she knew Nii-san, and I panicked and thought she might have known his secrets. That is the only reason I even began to get serious.
But then... we began talking. And talking to Yumizuka-san... I do not know, she just seems to have a knack for being able to get information out of people, like an emotional gumshoe.
I do not open up easily... but somehow, she knew how to do it. The right words, the right things, the right places, the right times. She knew it all, and so it felt perfectly natural to open up to her.
Now? Well, there are probably not very many secrets I have left to share with Yumizuka-san. She could share some with me, but... she does not need to, and I am okay with that. It does not need to be tit-for-tat.
The idea behind our friendship is not blackmail. It is more of a symbiotic relationship. Where two completely different organisms, which may normally oppose each other, find that both will gain from a relationship where they will both benefit from things that only the other can provide.
From her, I can relieve some of the pressure off of Hisui and Kohaku, allowing Yumizuka-san to take over the night watch duties, and for being someone else I can talk to about my private feelings besides Kohaku.
From me, I give her safety, food, shelter, a sense of a fairly normal life... and access to the one she loves most. Surely Kohaku must know about how she wants to sleep with Nii-san every night, but if she does, she does not seem to mind.
...Then again, Kohaku being who she is, maybe there is a little bit more going on between them... it... would not fully surprise me, to be honest. I do not pry, but I know that Nii-san is her beloved as well, and... well, even for a female, it is impossible to fully restrain the carnal, animal mind, as it is programmed into all of our DNA to go and find someone to mate with, to create the next generation. For that is all that genetics deem us useful for – for all of our intellect, we are ultimately expendable once we beget offspring.
But... seeing her happy like that... the small measures of happiness I can give her just by letting her see and be with her cherished "Tohno-kun"... it makes me feel... simply better. It is difficult to put into exact words. I just know it feels... good.
But... a vampire cannot generally have children. At least, not Dead Apostles like her. It is possible that Arcueid-san can conceive, if she allows it... after all, True Ancestors had to reproduce somehow.
…...Now that I think about it, that would be a rather interesting case... what would the child of such a mating be? A full True Ancestor? A Dead Apostle? Half-and-half?
Either way... I treat my friends very well. Even Kohaku, who is no longer forced to be associated with me... I feel guilty if I do not do enough to make it easier on her when she comes here. That is why I let her have free access to Nii-san as well, for she is his beloved. And I have accepted that, as well.
...That is why I allowed them private time on Sunday. And did not even get nosy as to investigate whether or not they actually had sex. It is, ultimately, irrelevant to me... because if they did, I would be disappointed if I knew, and if I did not, I would just be suspicious of them anyway. So, to avoid any problems, I simply do not pry into whether they did or not. It is, ultimately, none of my business.
…...Then again... we might have had sex Sunday, too. I do not know... and I do not want to know. It is more precious if I do not know the truth, so I am content to leave it as it is, for the same reasons. If we did not, I would simply be disappointed, and if we did... it would be rather embarrassing, and difficult to look at them.
For all intents and purposes... those four people are my family. They are important to Tohno Akiha, for some reason or another. They are what gives her some semblance of a home life, what distracts her from remembering that ultimately, she is still alone... still without someone who can simply love her for what she is.
Nii-san does love me, wholly and honestly. We may not be related by blood, but we are forever linked, and we cannot escape that. At the same time... I have save his life, and I am always in a position of importance... but he loves me both as Tohno Akiha, his sister, and Tohno Akiha, a woman... possibly. I only know the former is true, and the latter I am a bit afraid of finding out.
Hisui has always been loyal, and sheltered, even from the influences of this thrice-damned house. Kohaku protected her, at the cost of much of her sanity, and definitely of years of use and abuse of her body, something no woman should have to go through, much less a child. But Kohaku did... because she wanted her sister to keep smiling, stay happy, and not have to worry about being used to stave off a demon's impulses.
...Kohaku, herself, then wanted to take revenge, even after the death of the one who harmed her. My simple association by blood was good enough for her to plot my own demise and death, even though I am the one who stopped Otou-sama from doing what he was doing to her. We were all puppets, and she was the puppeteer; and in the end, she nearly succeeded in destroying all remnants of the Tohno in Japan, by having the heir and his sister fight each other. It had nearly worked... and it would have, were it not for a strip of white fabric.
And Yumizuka-san... she is hard to classify. She needs my help, yet is her own person. Her personality is fully human, with none of the burdens of age or madness that a vampire will eventually experience. For all intents and purposes, she's simply a girl who needs a shot glass of blood a day, and can punch through solid concrete... and I just happen to be the sister of the man whom she loves.
Truly, a stranger family cannot exist. Well, unless one is Frankenstein, or perhaps has a disembodied hand for a family member, or something... but that would be such a strange family, I would not even want to know whom they are.
A rolling rumble of thunder occurs outside my window. I look outside of it, and see that rain is coming down forceful, and hard. I slide the tray off of my lap, open the windows in my bedroom, and walk out to the patio.
The rain is coming down in steady sheets; a good, soaking rain. Thankfully, my patio is covered, and the wind is not blowing in a direction that would defeat the covering.
I just sit, ignoring the chill in the air, and watch it as it comes down, making a resonant patting noise as it strikes the ground. It might be the last time it rains before it gets cold enough for it to begin snowing.
A cold, early November night. The kind that takes your breath away, and yet makes you feel even more alive at the same time.
...Even through my depression, my nervousness and tenseness are serving to remind me that I am alive. That my heart beats, and my mind works, and even though I am unsure of what is going to happen in my life, that it will go on... at least for now.
"...I wonder... are you watching this and thinking about what I said too, Seo?"
…...Are you thinking about if you can love me or not?
I do not mind, even if she is not though. Even if her answer is, ultimately, to feel that she cannot love me in this sort of way... as long as Seo remains a good friend of mine, I shall be content with her company, in whatever form it is in.
Because... I just somehow feel that even if Seo Akira does not want to be with me that way... that I will always be a special factor in her life. Nobody else could ever fill that role that "Tohno-senpai" plays for her. Not completely. And there is no denying that she owes her life to both myself and Nii-san... though that is not exactly a debt that I wished to have.
So... even if she says no... I think we will still be friends. And as long as we are... then I will be fine.
I hold out my hand over the edge of the patio. Droplets of water strike my palm, slowly moistening it with one of the planet's greatest gifts. The gift that makes all of our lives possible.
A clear, slightly blue-tinted liquid. Two hydrogen atoms, bonded to one oxygen atom. The building block of life as we know it.
...Every thought that Seo Akira, Tohno Akiha, and everyone else who has ever lived has ever had would not be possible without this liquid.
The blood of blood.
And for my part... I inhale the aroma of petrichor as I just watch it land in my hand, while the never-ending stream continues to fall.
And fall.
And fall...
...I will not let my weakness destroy our relationship.
No. I will come out of this stronger than ever, regardless of what is said.
Because, for her... I want the best.
Arc 4: "Purity of a Pollinated Mind" END.
Arc 5: "Arise from the Ashes" START.
Next Week (7/24/11) – Chapter 60: "Time's Anxiety"