Chapter 60: "Time's Anxiety"
Thursday, November 7, 2002
Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha
I sit in my limousine as it drives down the roads towards Asagami Private Girls Academy. I blink heavily, and do my best to stare as close to the sun as possible without incurring actual eye damage.
...I could not sleep at all last night.
Those thoughts would simply not leave my head. Thoughts of Seo Akira, and of how she would react to my words, and to whether she will accept or reject them... and me entirely. Worries of how I would take such a blow to my pride; about how I had gambled with the dice, and the roll had made me a loser.
But just because of that, it does not mean I can ignore my duties. I still have things to do... classes to attend... tests to take... homework to obtain... life to live.
…...I can sleep when I get home. It is not like I am so weak that I cannot stand going without sleep for a short while. There have been many times where I was sleep-deprived, for some reason or another, and so this time is not much different than the other times where it has happened.
So I do my very best to keep awake as my driver makes the trip from my mansion to the academy grounds.
I roll down the window a little, and stick my head out of it. It is unladylike, to be sure, but the sharp winds blow against my face, and they do a good job of ensuring that I am kept awake.
A potpourri of colors meets my eye from the leaves changing colors. Crimson reds, and platinum yellows, and moist browns, and rusty oranges, and everything in between.
It is, admittedly, a sight to behold. The changing of a season is a remarkable thing. Life that begins anew in the spring, only to fade out and die away in the fall. Like the cycle of man, it starts young, stubborn, and strong, ages into a reliable pattern of daily normalcy, and then ages gracefully and casts itself away, allowing the newer, younger generation to take hold and have its chance to live its life.
…...Perhaps this is the death of my old way of life, and the start of a new one?
After he stops, I walk out. The day, thankfully, is rather crisp, and it does seem to heighten my alertness somewhat. After thanking him, as always, for the ride, I step out and begin to walk towards the room that Hanei, Souka, and myself share. I shake my head a bit to fight off the parts of my mind that are trying to tell me to sleep, and I hike my way up the steps that lead to the room, unlocking it with my key and entering once I get there.
Hanei turns slightly to me, combing her hair. "Good morning, Akiha-chan!" She seems to be fairly oblivious to the fact that I am tired. Souka, is stuffing the top of her uniform into her skirt. "..Damn, you look beat, Tohno. Did you sleep at all?"
...Unfortunately for me, Souka is clearly more perceptive. Either that, or Hanei simply does not wish to bring up the issue, but I would bet on this being more directly attributable to Souka, for Souka was never one to do as people expected. She seems to enjoy throwing people off from time to time.
"...No. I have had thoughts on my mind, and I did not want to take sleeping pills or I would not have woken up," I say as I sit in a chair. Upright, because if I leaned even slightly I could feel the tiredness in my head. "Please get me something with caffeine, Hanei. I will need it to get through the day."
Hanei nods, and with a simple "Mhm!" she walks off to get me some presumably strongly-caffeinated tea. Souka finishes pushing her shirt through the waist of her skirt and begins to close the clasp. "Thoughts, huh? What kind of thoughts, Tohno?"
"...Personal things, Souka," I say as I curtly dismiss her attempt to find out. "I would rather not discuss them, if you do not mind."
"Personal stuff, eh? Like what? One tongue ain't enough for ya, Tohno?" She smirks.
"D-Do not say such things, Souka!" I manage to stammer out.
Souka laughs at my reaction, but then her face takes on a serious look as she hmmms slightly, but eventually she nods in agreement. "…...I can tell it's best not to pry." A rare sentence from the mouth of Tsukihime Souka, as she turns around and begins to comb her hair.
"...Thank you," I say in reply, sighing.
I do my best to keep upright in the chair. If I lay my head on the table, I will probably pass out, so I leave my hands and my elbows firmly in my lap, using them to ensure my body remains perfectly upright.
"...Akiha-chan, you should probably lay down if you're that tired, you know." Hanei frowns at me in a rare show of concern as she hands me my drink.
"I will manage, Hanei. Thank you." I open and take a swig of my drink, and attempt to shake the drowsiness out of my head as best as I can. It is not working very well, however. This leads to me drinking my drink more heavily in an attempt to keep myself awake.
…...All of this because of some childish worry over what a girl will say to words.
They are just that – words. The power of a word is not in any sort of intrinsic value, but in what we invest in the language. For language is what made man the zenith of all food chains... and their destructor, as well.
Before too long, I realize that my drink is no more. It was good while it lasted, and it does indeed provide me with a slight burst of energy, but rather than accept it and use it as fuel, my body has taken the opposite approach, as if to say it knows that I am using caffeine to keep myself awake and, as a result, will now punish me more heavily for foolishly doing so.
I sigh. Well... classes do not truly begin until nine, so I can get maybe an hour and that will make me feel better...
"...One of you two, please wake me up at 8:45, or whenever the second one of you is leaving..."
"Huh? Yeah, sure, Tohno. Take a catnap. We'll wake ya." Souka's reply.
"Have a nice nap, Akiha-chan! Let me know if you dream something interesting, okay? I wanna hear about it!" Hanei chimes in.
"Yeah, yeah, I doubt I will even dream, trust me..." I mutter to myself as I walk over to my bed, sluggishly, and half-collapse into it, curling into it and almost immediately falling asleep.
"...p... wa... up, Aki...an..."
"...Mmmmm..." Consciousness returns to my body, and I stretch all of my limbs before opening my eyes. A small nap actually did me wonders. I feel pretty re-energized now. "...Time for classes already, Hanepin?" I sit up, and begin to look around for my bag. "Erm... Hanei, did you move my bag while I was sleeping, by any chance?" I ask her.
In response to my question, Hanei merely points to the clock.
Time... 3:37 PM.
…...THOSE TWO…...!
"...Why did neither of you awaken me, Haneiǃ?" I grab her by the collar of her uniform. "Is it that hard to wake someone who is sleepingǃ?"
"Wahhhh! W-We tried, Akiha-chan, please let go of me!" Hanei protests, clasping my wrists as I shake her.
"I refuse to believe I was asleep so deeply that I could not be awoken! It is sleep, not a coma!" I shake her harder.
"D-Didn't you notice your pillow is damp, Akiha-chan?" Hanei's hands try to pull me away lightly, to no avail.
"Why would it matter if it were dampǃ? I may have sweated a little as I slept... soǃ?" I feel my shakes become harder.
"We threw water at you!" She protests, her hands flailing.
Yeah right. I humor her by letting go of her collar with one hand and feeling my pil—
...It is soaked.
I feel the collar of my uniform. Decidedly damp. It extends down to perhaps my chest.
I feel my skirt. Noticeably moistened, and the exposed skin of my legs definitely feels a little more damp than I would expect them to be.
I turn my glare back to her. "…...How much water?"
"Uhhhh... S-several cups..." She swallows nervously.
"...Really...?" Despite my efforts, I can feel my fury leaving my body, with the utmost egress.
"...Dead serious, Akiha-chan." She looks at me with a look of conviction. A look that Hanei could not possibly fake.
...That must have been an incredibly deep sleep, then, if I did not awaken from it even when water was thrown more or less directly at my face. Or, for that matter, at my body. It would have had to have been a very catatonic sort of sleep... the sort of sleep that a person usually only has when they are truly and totally exhausted, and their body eschews everything just for the sake of doing its own internal bookkeeping and mending.
I let go of her collar. She rubs her neck and readjusts it a bit.
I did not even know I could sleep that deeply over something so small. The last time I slept this deep was when Nii-san and I fought a year ago, for fifteen hours straight. But that was when I was completely physically spent. The extent of physical problems, in this case, was just some very minor injuries from colliding with Seo Akira... it was not flat-out exhaustion, like it had been with Nii-san...
"...Sorry, Hanei," I say with a sigh.
I cannot expect them to use unreasonable force, after all. Worse, if I were attacked in my sleep I would probably reply with very lethal force before I had fully awakened and realized who I was fighting. And a person who does not wake up even when water is thrown at them, is probably someone who even I would leave sleeping unless it was life-threatening or dangerous to let them be.
Needless to say... a day of classes is not exactly life-threatening. Or dangerous. It will kill my grades if I keep it up, though...
I rub my eyes and then stretch to eradicate the tiredness from my body. "Tell me... have you seen Seo around today?"
"Nope," Hanei replies as she readjusts her clothing. "Which is kinda odd, she almost never misses a day, like you, Akiha-chan."
…...Maybe she was doing what I did last night, then. I could not sleep. I just watched the rain fall until the sky began to brighten... which made me curse myself as by then it was too late to go back to bed, so I watched it until I had to leave.
It is strange. It felt so... melancholic, and yet peaceful and serene. A feeling that was both good and bad, somehow, all at once. I had feelings of both wanting it to go away, and yet... of it being the perfect state of mind to be in at that particular time.
...I am still not fully sure of why I said what I said, or why I feel how I do about her. One loves her friends, but... this transcends a friendship love. This is... something else. A romantic love. A sexual love. A love that one feels for someone they truly desire.
Why her? Opposites attract, yes, but... there is still flaws she has. And yet... loving someone means you accept their flaws.
And I guess I have came to accept Seo's flaws if I feel that way for her, but I still do not understand quite how it got to this point...
"Something wrong, Akiha-chan?" Hanei looks at me.
"...No, just a lot is on my mind since yesterday, Hanei," I tell her with a slight wave of my hand. "Do not concern yourself too much with it. I shall be fine."
"Ummmmmm... 'kay!" A typical Hanei response for when she is not sure of how to respond. "I'm gonna be studying, alright?" She walks off towards her bed, pulls out a textbook, and promptly leaps onto it, kicking her legs begind her as she rests on her front and elbows, reading the chapter.
...Ignore her rear. I sigh and force myself to look away.
I debate things in my head. Do I talk to Seo, or do I not...? Truth be told, I feel... incredibly nervous. A rare emotion for me. Usually I am far more calm, organized, and collected than this.
But then again... I am also taking a huge risk. A gamble. And I am never good with bets. That is why I make sure to minimize chance as much as I possibly can in just about anything in life, whether it is fighting an enemy or thinking over a request. These sorts of decisions usually take only seconds, but... that is because the decision is always mine. Solely mine.
Something like this, is a decision that is not mine.
I have made up my half of the decision. My part in the decision was to gather up the courage to tell Seo Akira that I loved her. From my end of the question, it is all but over; I have thrown down my hand.
The other half... the half that is if she can view myself in that way... that is what is up to her. I have no control over that. And even though I have thrown down my hand, she may have a hand that is yet better.
And that is what worries me. I am worried what her reaction will be. She... has every right to denounce me, really, if she thinks I am some kind of pervert. I mean... I do not think of her in JUST a sexual manner... I think of Seo Akira in a lot of ways. Friend, classmate, kouhai...
...But I did think of her sexually in the shower. I imagined what she would look like, and my hands, as if moving on their own, found their way to my crotch and pleasured my body. I... masturbated to it. I cannot deny that.
Seo Akira has made the transition to "love interest." And to a body which seems to be craving all things love, it latched onto it like it was the most important thing in the world, for some reason.
No... I cannot let myself get all wound up in this, really. I am making myself worry far too much on this issue. I did what I did... all that is left is to see how she responds.
...But how do I know how she will respond if I am avoiding her...?
Worse... avoiding her can be misinterpreted as well. She may take my avoidance to mean that I truthfully do not want to talk to her... which, in reality, is more or less the direct opposite of what I actually want...
...Maybe I should go talk to her?
The more I think about this, the more I begin to realize that, realistically, this is the only actual option. Avoiding talking to her is not going to solve things... and they may actually make it worse, which I do not want to do. If anything, I need to make my intentions clear... that I truly have fallen for her, that I wish to be with her, and that if she is willing to accept all of me, then I will be willing to accept all of her.
Yes. That is, overall, the best course of action. I am not going to solve anything by simply laying here and wishing it will resolve. The only way a course of action is ever pursued is if the navigator steers his ship down the line he has plotted.
"Hanei, if my driver honks outside, please inform him I will possibly be a few minutes late. I am going to check on Seo."
She blinks for a few moments. Is she... putting two and two together...?
"…...…'kay, Akiha-chan!" Hanei smiles happily. I breathe a sigh of relief as I take my bag from where I had left it in the morning. Hanei is still a little ignorant over the matters of love... at least, in the sense of two girls falling in love with one another. If I told her I was going to go see a boy, on the other hand, I think Hanei would have passed out with her face in her textbook.
"…...Oh yeah! I got your schoolwork, Akiha-chan." She climbs off her bed, and grabs my bag from the foot of her bed. "I put it in your bag for you. I hope you don't mind...?" Hanei looks a little worried. She knows I value my privacy dearly. At the same time, though... she had a good reason to do so. And she saved me the trouble of having to do it myself, since I was so mentally... fried, I would say, that I could not wake up even with water thrown at my face.
Such a deep sleep is dangerous. If it had been someone with more evil intentions, and not a schoolgirl simply trying to awaken a friend... Tohno Akiha might be dead right now. And I never would have known it.
"No, I do not mind. Thank you very much for saving me the trouble of having to collect it, Hanepin." I smile at her and bow slightly in appreciation and gratitude. This makes Hanei blush slightly, not used to having me thank her or bow to her. But it is not so bad, really. "But please do me a favor. If Souka comes back, tell her I said sorry for not awakening. I have had a lot on my mind, as I said... last night I will confess I did not sleep that well. It is completely my fault."
"Ahh, that's no good, Akiha-chan. You really should get more sleep, you know. Every time you sleep over here it seems like you never get enough sleep." She pouts slightly as she looks at me, hands on her hips. Although, for some strange reason, I can see Kohaku shaking her finger at me instead.
"It is rare enough that it is usually not a concern. I suppose I will see you tomorrow, if I do not see you again today, Hanei." I smile once more and wave to her slightly, and then head for the door.
"'Bye, Akiha-chan!" is what I hear in reply as I close it.
The junior-high dorms. I do not come here very often. In fact, the last time I was here with anything that could be describing regularity was when I was Seo's age myself, two years ago.
Not much has changed. The atmosphere is a little more energetic, excited. These are girls who still have time to have a little bit of fun and relaxation, and are not burdened by the weight of the world on their shoulders. They are still young enough that they do not have high amounts of responsibilities, and are not yet being pressured to find suitors.
...Even I had a suitor, at one point. His name was Kugamine Tonami, and absolutely disgusting specimen of humanity. Fat, scheming, and all-around distasteful. I only accepted because, essentially, my hand was forced, as long as Otou-sama was alive.
Needless to say, the night he died, so did that marriage, as well as his residence in my home. Kugamine Tonami was the first person evicted, before all others.
Thankfully, the girls here are still a bit too young to be seriously expected to find a suitor. Some of them are "merely" from upper-middle-class homes, such as Seo Akira, and so to them, there is no such thing as an arranged marriage.
It is, perhaps, the greatest luxury that she is able to enjoy – the ability to love whomever she wishes.
I find myself waxing nostalgia at as I walk the path I usually walked through here, with a good view of that garden. I slow down a little bit, eventually stopping as I look out to it.
It is the garden that I like to sit in and have my lunch with Seo.
I planted a tree in there, when I was 13. To this day, I keep track of it. It barely reached the middle of my thigh in my first year here, but it has since grown tall and strong. It is now up to my chest, and I expect that by the time I graduate next year, it may be up to my neck. Unfortunately, by the time I leave here, it will be a year or two hence from when it would be tall enough to be over my head.
I smile slightly to myself, and I keep on walking.
Eventually, I reach her dorm... Room 226. I knock on the door, and wait patiently. A voice from inside replies "Just a sec!" It is not Seo's – that much I know. Probably one of her roommates then, but what were their names again...?
The door opens. A girl with brown hair looks back at me. It is fairly close-cropped. Her bangs are in front of her face a bit, and in the back, it fans into two extensions that almost look like a set of large cat ears.
"Hibino... Rio, was it?" I ask.
"...Yes. And you are... Tohno-senpai?" Rio blinks, brown eyes looking back at me.
Her name has come up once or twice in conversation. An intelligent girl. Something about her wanting to become a psychiatrist, or some other such. Though, despite what Seo has said about her intelligence, the girl also looks like she could be a fairly competent fighter if need be.
"Yes. Please forgive my intrusion, but is Seo here?" I ask of her.
"Aki-chan? She's sleeping. She was drop-dead exhausted by the time I got up, and after I got out of the shower I found her asleep on her bed and I couldn't wake her at all. I tried, and nearly got a boot in the teeth." The girl scratches her head, shrugging her shoulders slightly as she does. "I decided to let her just sleep. If you want to try to wake her up, knock yourself out... or get knocked out if she kicks you hard enough, maybe." She laughs a bit.
"...No, no, that will not be necessary, Hibino-san. I just wanted to deliver a message to her. If you do not mind, I will simply entrust you with delivering it."
"Okay. Shoot."
"Just please tell her I would like to speak with her tomorrow. I would like to discuss some things of importance with her. Do you think you can do that, Hibino-san?"
She eyes me... a little strangely. A little too strangely.
"...Is something on my face?" I blink and check myself very quickly using a nearby window.
"No, nothing at all," Rio says with a smile. "Just not used to that. I'll be sure to tell her, Tohno-senpai. Anything else you need me to tell her?"
"No, that is all. Thank you very much, Hibino-san. Please see to it that she gets that message when she awakens."
"No problem. Pleasant day to you, Tohno-senpai." She bows slightly.
"Pleasant day to you as well, Hibino-san." I smile, and walk away. The door shuts behind me.
...Tomorrow, then, will be the day.
The day where, if she is willing, she will tell me her answer.
The day when my life may, perhaps, change forever...
Next Week (7/31/11) – Chapter 61: "Foregone Absolution"