Ponder - A Yappy Obi story

Obi-Wan ponders a dream he had about handmaidens..

"Obi-Wan, what are you doing?"

"Pondering."

"Pondering what?"

"Handmaidens."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, those girls that follow queens around. I think the unofficial term for them is groupies."

"And why are you pondering handmaidens? You are thirteen. You should be pondering your kata's or your most recent sparring lesson which was quite dreadful, I might add."

"Yes, I know, Master. I have an excuse though."

"And that would be?"

"Handmaidens."

"Ah, I see. No, actually I don't."

"You see, Master, I had a dream about them."

"Okay, remind me to get you into that class about ah… impulses."

"Ew! No! It wasn't like that. Well, it could have ended up that way. But I managed to escape them."

"And when did this happen?"

"When I was twenty-five."

"Years old?"

"Yes."

"You have an odd grasp of math, Padawan. Remind me to get you into that class about numbers."

"It was a dream."

"Oh, that makes sense. I think. Please explain."

"Well, we go to the desert. This place where it's hot as crap. You won't let me keep my robe off. We crash a ship. Only because I wasn't flying it, mind you. I would never have landed there of all places. Big scary Hutts and flying Siths. All that crazy stuff. So we crash on desert land. You tell me some lie about going to find a part to fix the ship. You venture into the desert tailed by a queen and a giant orange frog. And I'm left on the broken ship with four handmaidens drooling and making goo-goo eyes at me. You know that look that you give Master Bren when you two are gonna…"

"Obi-Wan, please! Continue the story, without the detours."

"Sorry. So, I casually glide away from them. I went to the cockpit. One was there. I went to the engine room. One was there. I went to the droid cargo area. One was there. I went to the bathroom. One was there. That was really creepy. I went to all those other rooms on ships that serve no real purpose. There was a handmaiden in each room. They were everywhere! They would just appear and disappear like vampires or something. Then finally, they all appeared at once. Coming towards me. Taunting me and threatening to do really ah… icky things to me."

"Icky?"

"Yes. Nasty. Um, disgusting?"

"What?"

"Adult mush, Master! Sheesh. Do I need to draw you a picture or something? Okay, I really don't want to do that. They wanted to hmm… have their way with me. So I ran. And ran. I ran so far away. I was running so fast, it was like flying with a flock of seagulls."

"What?"

"I hid from them. Well, I eventually had to resurface, because you kept calling me at the most ridiculous of hours asking for things like midichlorian counts and crap like that. And you expected me to be right there, waiting for your call. Drop everything I was doing and answer you. No matter that the queens of lust were after me. I was there to help you, Master."

"The point, Obi-Wan?"

"That is the point. I dreamed about The Handmaidens of Stalkerville and now I am pondering them."

"But why are you pondering them? Shouldn't you be trying to forget them?"

"I did that. They keep coming back. I think it's my destiny to be stalked and drooled on to death by four handmaidens on a desert planet while you are out galavanting around with queens and frogs. Oh, and gambling too. While I was being lusted after, you were gambling on pod races. Then you found some woman that you shacked up with for the night, stole her kid and came back to the ship. At least when you came back, queenie came with you and the Handmaidens of Drool-dom finally left me alone."

"So you are thinking about these women who are not real. They live only in your dreams twelve years in the future?"

"Yes."

"And you don't think this creates a problem?"

"It does, Master. That's why I am pondering."

"Did you learn that word in class today or something?"

"No, I've always liked the word. I just never had a reason to use it. I don't ponder much, Master. I just talk."

"Yes, I know. Can you de-ponder long enough to get an hour-long workout in this afternoon?"

"I suppose so. But while we are in the gym, if you see four short girls with red and tan flowing outfits on… run like the wind. Trust me."

"I think maybe a three hour workout might be in order. You obviously have a lot of energy to burn."

"Just promise me one thing, Master."

"What's that?"

"When I turn twenty-five and our ship breaks down on some hot, sandy world, if you find yourself wandering out into the desert with royalty and amphibians behind you… take me with you. Please?"

"I promise I will take you with me when you are twenty-five, a well respected and mature apprentice - almost a Knight - and weirded out by a couple of girls who have taken a fancy to you."

"Whew. Thank you, Master. You don't know what a weight that is off my shoulders. Okay, I'm ready to work out."

"Good. Let's go."

"Oh, and Master? I promise I won't tell Master Bren about that lady you shacked up with twelve years from now. What she doesn't know about won't hurt her, right?"

"Whatever you say, Obi-Wan. And if you do tell her, I will never give you the secret to Blue-Ghostie Land."

"Blue what?"

"My own little secret. I too have been… pondering."

"Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"No."

"Do you get haunted by blue ghosts?"

"No."

"Do they steal me away from you?"

"I wish. But, no."

"Are there trolls in Blue-Ghostie Land?"

"I sure hope not."

"Master, please tell me."

"No, it's too traumatic. It'll make you ponder again, and I just don't have time for that."

"I can handle it. I promise. I'll stop pondering if you tell me."

"No."

"But…"

"No."

"I'll train without complaining for a week straight!"

"Tempting, but no."

"I'll stop talking for a week."

"Oh, well now. That is… yes, that'll do it. Starting now. Come, Obi-Wan… let's walk towards the gym and I'll explain how I ended up in Blue-Ghostie Land. You see, there was this tattooed guy and a saber duel and then what happened was…

...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

The End.