Chapter 63: "Yellowed Pages"

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

I walk to the room Otou-sama had lived in for essentially all of his life. The door opens with a noisy, low creak when I turn the handle – a sign that this room has not been opened in quite some time.

The room is, for all intents and purposes, as he left it. A time capsule, of a time that is both so recent that it remains pellucid in my mind, and yet so distant that it truly feels like that it was another world entirely.

A simple bed. A plain dresser. A work desk, no doubt stained with blood, sweat, and tears.

Cursed blood, desperate sweat, false tears.

When he was born in the mid 1960s, he was brought here. This was his bedroom. From crib, to bed, to bigger bed, as he grew, this constant remained in his life, even after Sofu-sama* had inverted, and sensing that he had just become family head, Otou-sama killed him and promptly stepped in to take the reins of controlling the destiny of the Tohno.

Otou-sama was always a practical man. He was raised in a different era from me, or Nii-san. His authority is the one that mattered – his, and no other.

For five years, he lived completely alone, in this house. Members of our branch families would come to see him, but aside from the grounds crews, the maids, and the cook, none lived here. The relationship was strictly professional to them; he was master, and they were servants. And they were paid well enough, so they were fine with this.

...Then, one day, something caught his eye. And Otou-sama experienced something he had never felt from his father, nor anyone he had ever associated with.

To this day, I am not sure how, exactly, those two could fall in love. From what little I know, they do not seem like the sort of people who would ever realistically have a chance. He, broody, distant, and solitary; she, confident, personable, and outgoing.

They should never have been the type to be together. But... together they were. And a family was born, with two children, all because two people fell in love.

But the love was short-lived. Having now experienced the bitter loss of someone who he put so much time, effort, and energy into being with... Otou-sama could not take it. He shuttered his heart; he silenced his humanity, and he endured his pain, day in and day out, because pride would not allow him to take his own life.

He waited for the inversion impulse to do that.

And then when the time came, it was inside of this room, the only sanctuary he ever had, that he ended his life. We were able to cover it up publicly... but Jinan-sensei told us quite clearly, that Otou-sama had ingested cyanide to take his own life when he felt that he could no longer keep from inverting. He had to; hanging, gunshot, or any other means of definite, immediate death would have left evidence. Evidence that would have been difficult to keep out of the news.

Unlike branch members of the family, the nominal head of the Tohno family and businesses could not choose such a violent, definitive end. Not without staging a very elaborate suicide that looks like an accident. Even then... that burdens other people, and one of the few slivers of humanity that remained with Otou-sama throughout was that he was very self-sufficient. He did not burden any more people than he felt was necessary.

But... he also did not want me to have to do what he did. He could not bear the thought of me having to kill him. Even though he trained me for it... even though he told me someday it would happen...

...In the end, his last thoughts were to spare me the guilt that he had to live with for the fifteen years since then.

I did not bat an eyelash, even as Hisui ran into my room, mewling and babbling, saying Otou-sama was dead. Neither did Kohaku, who just sat in his room silently, looking at the body that was laying on the floor.

His final note, written in a shaking, inhuman scrawl. Just three words, written by his favorite pen.

"Good luck, Akiha."

We just set about the task and the work of informing the branch members that he had died and I was now the official head of the family, as "Shiki" was still too ill to take care of duties... although they had no idea that whom they thought I referred to and who I actually referred to, were two different people.

Business as usual, even with his death. It chills my blood to remember how quickly I had settled into that role as if it was my purpose in life. Because, the truth is, that is how Otou-sama wanted it. He wanted me to be that way, to just focus on running things and settling disputes.

Because, truth be told... I do not think he wanted me to ever find love.

But, not for selfish reasons. No. One would think that it was to prevent the pain that he experienced, and while I suppose that may be part of the reason, I think the more correct reason is because it would continue our curse. If I had fallen in love, I would naturally stand a chance of becoming pregnant, and becoming pregnant would mean I would have a child, and that child would have the same amount of blood I would have... because our demonic blood is passed on matrilineally.

That is why female Tohno are so rare until modern times. If one was born, they were not even seen as kin – but as risk. They were often killed outright, thousands of years ago, when one was born. Simply bashed against the ground, or a cliff, or a tree, until they stopped screaming...

...It is thanks to their deaths that my blood is even manageable since it was thinned by impregnating human females, decreasing the thickness of the demon blood generation to generation, but I already have the sins of my ancestors engraved upon my soul as a result.

I sigh, and walk over towards the wall to open his safe, where he kept his own journal of observations. I then feel around for the small button that will open up the hidden compartment inside, pressing it when it is found. This opens up a small chamber in the floor of the safe.

It is here, that he hid pictures and the journal of Oka-sama. I am not sure how many nights he may have spent here, looking at these pictures and reading this diary... but I would not be surprised if it was every night while he had his sanity... even if that meant that he would be looking at the woman he loved after he had just finished raping a female child.

For love changes a person; once they fall in love, they never can be truly alone again.

I take the pictures and the diary, and sit in the chair of his desk. I have read the diary before, front to back, more times than I care to count. And yet, from time to time, I read it again, and every time it gains a deeper meaning... because usually when I read it, I am going through profound changes in my life... changes that I can associate with the writings.

Instinctively, I flip to a certain page. I know full well where it is by mere muscle memory alone. I begin reading it aloud, quietly.

"January 6, 1985 - Dr. Jinan confirmed it... I'm definitely pregnant. Shiki's going to have a sibling to play with after all! They'll be about a year apart, by the time I have the child... but that should make them pretty close siblings. Looks like late September or early October will be their birthday... well, maybe if they're close enough, I can combine their parties, at least..."

Flip.

"March 17, 1985 - I've begun thinking about what I should name the newborn. Since Makihisa got to name the firstborn, we agreed that I would get to name the secondborn. I've narrowed the names down to three each for both genders... If female, Kana (Musical Air), Akiha (Autumn Leaf), or Shino (Plains Wind). If male, Kazahiko (Boyish manner), Akio (Autumn Male) or Akihito (Autumn One)... although that last one might draw comparisons to Prince Akihito. I guess we'll find out in another couple months if it's a boy or a girl..."

Flip.

"April 29, 1985 - It's a girl! Shiki will have a sister then. Makihisa was a bit nervous about it being a girl, but I told him not to worry. We'll raise her fine, I'm sure. So, I guess I can throw out those boy names... now... Kana, Akiha, or Shino? Which one do you think you'll like? I can feel you moving in there... what will you be like? Who will you grow up to be? I can't wait to find out..."

…...…...I cannot help but sigh in an odd sense of nostalgia that is surely not mine, for some reason. Flip.

"June 23, 1985 - Shiki seems to have taken an interest in my belly as it's beginning to grow. He looks down every time he sees it move when she moves or kicks. I'm still deciding on just what to name her. I think I'm fairly confident on what I'll name her, but I'm still weighing things. For his part, Makihisa has been wonderfully supportive of this all..."

Flip.

"July 31, 1985 - It's decided then, and so is her name. The world will welcome Tohno Akiha sometime this September. Dr. Jinan said it will likely be around the middle of the month. As for me... I'll just be glad to have a daughter. Makihisa is serious about raising an heir for his family, so at least a sister will give him someone to play with and make his life easier, and not full of just working all the time..."

…...My hand tremors and shakes slightly. Flip...

"September 25, 1985 - The birth was a successful one. Tohno Akiha was born on September 22nd a very healthy girl, at 3.2 kilograms. She looks quite a bit like me. I already feel very close to her. I can't really explain it... there is just something about having a daughter that seems to make a woman care even more for her children. Maybe it's because while Shiki will inherit everything from Makihisa, Akiha will have to distinguish herself in some other way. I'll have to see if I can help her with that..."

...I wish Oka-sama were right. Flip...

"December 2, 1985 - Went to see Dr. Jinan today to ask him about these dizziness and fainting spells I've been having lately. After an examination, he told me bad news... I have 'cold agglutinin disease.' Basically, if my body temperature gets too cold, my body clumps up my red blood cells, and my white blood cells will bind to them and destroy them. I must avoid cold environments as much as possible; from now on I am to stay indoors at all times during the winter months unless it is an absolute emergency..."

...Oka-sama passed this on to me, to a degree. Mine only seems to affect me if I am under considerable stress, however. Flip...

"February 14, 1986 - The treatment didn't work as well as we planned. The steroids did not work for long, and the splenectomy has seemingly done nothing. Worse... it seems to be getting more aggressive. I have to wear generally warm clothing now, or risk anemia, even though Makihisa allowed the temperature of the heat in the mansion to be raised by a few degrees. We are still trying things, but if something does not happen, Dr. Jinan said I will be lucky to see either of Shiki or Akiha's birthdays..."

…...…...Flip…...

"April 7, 1986 - Another failed treatment. We attempted an entire transfusion of my blood. For a little while, it seemed to work... but somehow, it's returned. I'm not sure if this is a battle I can ever win... so just in case, I have begun preparing. Just in case..."

…...…...…...…Flip…...…

"August 3, 1986 - Too tired to write lately. Sleeping lots. I can feel my body beginning to fade. I'm doing my best to survive, but sometimes I wonder if I will go to bed and never wake up again. I'm determined to at least see Shiki and Akiha have a birthday together. If nothing else, God, then at least grant me that..."

…...I feel my heart twist inside my breast. I already know how this will end, even as I flip the page to Oka-sama's final entry. Written in a very shaky hand, unlike Oka-sama's usual clean, neat calligraphy.

"September 7, 1986 - This takes all of my effort to write. I am doing my best to hang on for at least a few more weeks, but since I am not sure if I can, I will say this now... Shiki and Akiha, you are both my world, and I am sorry I will probably not be there to help raise you in it. Do not blame your father for any of this, or for anything that will happen, probably long after I am gone... he did his best, and so did I. Please get along, for in the end, all you two will have is each other... if you have that, you will be okay. And if not... God help you both."

Six lines down, it is written, in Otou-sama's handwriting, "Tohno Midori. December 31, 1962 - September 20, 1986. Aged 23 years, 9 months, 263 days. De mortuis nil nisi bonum dicendum est."**

Midori, in Oka-sama's case, is written with the same character that is pronounced "ha" in my name.

With a sigh, I close the journal. Two days later, I had my first birthday. A week later, "he" had his second.

I put the journal onto Otou-sama's desk carefully, and then I look out the window, up at the moon. The crescent has grown a little larger over the last two days.

"...I hope I did something to make you proud, Oka-sama. I know life has not exactly turned out for any of us like you'd hoped and dreamed..."

I do not know how she would react to how life turned out for me, really... and for that matter, for "him" and for Nii-san. But I cannot help but think that really, with Oka-sama gone... Otou-sama had already lost most of his will to live. After that, he was simply set on raising an heir. Then that plan got foiled when "he" inverted and nearly struck me down.

So, already beginning to slip into the initial stages of inversion, Otou-sama realized he would not live long enough if he did nothing. He was forced to begin truly raising me to be the head of the household at that time... and this is around when he was forced to begin raping Kohaku, on her request, so that he would not harm Hisui, and so that he could maintain his sanity.

And she suffered it. For all of those years, she suffered it in silence... because she knew someone would suffer, and she did not want it to be me or Hisui. Kohaku lost her humanity in exchange for allowing us to keep ours...

...And it nearly backfired. She lost TOO much of it. She may have had all the right intentions and an incredible amount of mental maturity despite being only about eight... but mental maturity means very little when your physically child-proportioned body is being raped every single day by a fully-grown man. A man who could scarcely remember what he did while he did it... and worse, a man who had to live with the guilt of being forced to do it just to keep his own fingerhold deathgrip on his sanity and his humanity.

We have all paid a heavy price for this. All of us. Oka-sama died because her blood could not mix with the demon blood, and doing it twice to provide two heirs in two years killed her, slowly. Otou-sama killed himself on the brink of inversion. "He" had to be killed by me after his inversion, when I found out that he was threatening Nii-san's life and safety. Hisui paid with her emotional depth. Kohaku paid with her emotional depth AND her humanity. I paid with half of my life energy, fits of pain and incredible chills, the pressure of my upbringing, the duties of being head of the Tohno, and the expectations of trying to keep up a school life...

…...To save one life, of the person whom the girl named Tohno Akiha simply loved.

"...Really... it is hard to say who had it worse." Soliloquy.

Take your places, choose your sins. Everyone loses, no one wins. That is almost the de facto motto of the Tohno.

Even now, my only true "purpose" is to manage all the disputes among our branches, to accept or deny requests for various things, and, behind the scenes, to ensure this city stays relatively safe and that our companies are all running up to par. Anything else I do is basically just for the illusion of a somewhat normal life. I do not require further schooling; I do it because I enjoy getting away from this all, and I especially enjoy my time with Seo, Souka, and Hanepin. I do not need to play the violin, but it relaxes my mind and helps me forget about things.

...I do not need a partner, and yet, I want one because I know it will help my own sanity tremendously, just knowing that I have someone who I could be completely myself around, and not have to worry about putting up this fake wall with. Only four people ever see that side of me: Kohaku, Hisui, Nii-san, and Yumizuka-san.

But... while intimate on an emotional level, they cannot be physically.

...Tomorrow, I might know if it will be five or not. And whether I will have that physical intimacy or not.

Whether it happens or not, I will not begrudge Seo on her decision. It is, after all, a lot to ask of someone... especially since we are both female. I have a feeling if it were Nii-san asking her, she almost surely would have said yes, but I am something different.

I am, to her, Tohno-senpai. Someone with authority over her. I am also a friend, and I have been for about two and a half years now. I am someone who she has worked with on projects. I am someone whom she can talk to if she is in serious trouble, and I will help her if I am at all able to. I am the person who saved her life last Sunday... because if it were not for me, she surely would have been killed when that pillar fell on her.

And then, just to throw her for even more confusion... I told her I loved her. Not as one would love a friend, or even a close friend... no. I told her I loved her in a way that was a romantic way. A way that, usually, only males and females have together.

I am still not fully sure of why, to be honest. I just know that... that was what my heart was telling me to do. It simply felt right to state it, and truth be told, it even surprised me. But yet... the more that I think back about it, the more I realize I am strangely comfortable with the idea.

The only question is, really... is she able to take that same leap of faith that I have? If not, I cannot blame her for it. Truth be told, if it were some other female asking the same of me, I probably would have flat-out rejected them.

That is why Souka did not ask... she simply sprang to action. Had she propositioned me for that, she knows I would have said no and likely ordered her out of my house at once. It is something that some may feel would even amount to rape... but it is not rape when one grows to want it. And more than that, she offered me the chance to stop it, and I chose to nod... so it cannot be rape. Surprise touching, yes... but not rape. And I could have easily fought her off if I had wanted to.

Would I be able to love Seo like that? Yes. Yes I would. It may be awkward or strange at first, as admittedly I have no real experience with relationships either... but, I am convinced that in time, I could be perfectly happy and content with her, and I can see herself being likewise, as long as she will give me a chance...

I look away from the window, and check the clock on the wall. 5:47 PM. I had better begin doing my paperwork. Tomorrow will be a day of truth... and just in case, I want to have all of my work out of the way if I can.

I carefully take the journal, as if it were some kind of family heirloom – perhaps it is? – and I place it neatly and carefully in its small compartment. I then take another look at the pictures... the pictures of a woman who strongly resembles Tohno Akiha in a lot of ways, and yet, is someone else entirely; someone who gave her life, someone who sounded like she wanted a daughter to raise.

...I wonder how different I would be if she would have survived, every time I come in here.

I obviously would not be how I am today. Maybe I would be more like that other side of myself that emerged last Sunday. I am unsure, but I know it would be different; whether that is better or worse, I cannot say.

I do not know when I will look at these pictures again. It may be in a few weeks, or a few months from now. But, even though they are of a person who has been gone from this planet for so long, who is now no more than bones under the ground... these pictures bring me some level of comfort.

…...Even after she is gone, a mother never stops mothering. Even if that child spent about 95% of their existence without their touches, their kisses, their words...

...I can still remember them and hear them. Not the touches or voices themselves; those are long gone. But rather, what I remember feeling is the peace, the tranquility, and the stability she instilled in me.

It is entirely possible that she may be how I managed to survive, and be strong... because even as her disease progressed to terminal illness, she surely made time to see me every day, until she no longer had the strength to do so.

This is because while we are creatures who think with our conscious minds, our unconscious also shapes us. A lot of what we believe are our natural attitudes are really things that have been carefully shaped and stored so deeply within what we call the unconscious, that we simply no longer think about them anymore.

I may not exactly remember the touch, or the voice, of Oka-sama... but I somehow know them. Even though I cannot positively recall her speaking, I hear a voice in my head when I read those journals, and I am sure that it is her voice, one hundred percent.

…...That is why I will not throw away all that she taught me. No. She taught me to stand up for myself, to make choices on my own, and deal with them.

That is what I will do. Otou-sama may have lived alone... but I never have, so emulating him and heeding those words will do me no good.

"...Thank you, Oka-sama," I whisper to myself as I carefully put the photographs back on top of the journal, before closing the compartment, then the safe, and then, after looking back one last time at the souls that still dwell within, the door to the room itself.

* Sofu-sama: A very polite way of saying "Grandfather."

** Latin. "Of the dead, speak no evil."

...It is strange.
The people who are not in my life are the strongest influences in it.
Oka-sama, Nii-san, Seo... do I fear being alone that much...?

Next Week (8/21/11) – Chapter 64: "Parental Advisory"