Conspiracy Theories - A Yappy Obi story
13 year old Yappy Obi floats around a few conspiracy theories.
Posted - July 2021
Obi: Master, did you know that Chancellor Valium is flooding the tunnels under Coruscant to get rid of all the kids down there?
Qui: Valorum.
Obi: What?
Qui: The Chancellor's name is Valorum, not Valium. I've only corrected you on this a hundred times in the past.
Obi: I think you missed the point of my sentence.
Qui: I would pay more attention if your sentence had been correct.
Obi: So, you're the grammar police now?
Qui: Obi-Wan, if you wish to live to your fourteenth birthday, I highly suggest you watch your mouth.
Obi: Sorry. That was wrong. But what about the flooding of the tunnel kids? Shouldn't we help them? I know if I was in a tunnel and people started throwing water at me, I'd be a little upset about it.
Qui: Throwing water?
Obi: Master, you know what I mean. We should help them.
Qui: There are no children in the tunnels under the city. Where did you hear this?
Obi: From Master Covin.
Qui: Ah.
Obi: Ah? Choo?
Qui: No, just ah.
Obi: Can you clarify?
Qui: You need to stay away from Covin, or at least ignore everything he says.
Obi: Why? He seems wise and weird. I like that combination.
Qui: He is not wise. He's a nutcase.
Obi: Master! You told me not to call people that.
Qui: It's okay to do so when it's the truth.
Obi: How do you know he's not being honest about the tunnel kids?
Qui: Because there are no tunnel kids and if there was, certainly no one would be flooding the tunnels with water. Please don't listen to anything Covin says. Ever.
Obi: So, Coruscant is not being invaded by giant fire breathing lizards that will stomp up the entire city? Because that's supposed to happen next week.
Qui: No.
Obi: And the Temple is not being transformed into the galaxy's largest foul-smelling swamp within the next three weeks?
Qui: Disgusting and no.
Obi: What about Master Cyan being a Sith?
Qui: Cyan? Your drooling friend that thuds all the Jedi around the pool? You really think he's a Sith?
Obi: Well, no, but... wait, he doesn't drool. Others drool around him. Do Sith drool?
Qui: It's not in the handbook.
Obi: There's a Sith handbook?
Qui: No.
Obi: Then why did you say it?
Qui: To see how gullible you really are. Obi-Wan, no, there is not a Sith handbook and Master Covin is a conspiracy theorist. Apparently, it's a big deal now.
Obi: So, he just tells big old fat lies and people believe him?
Qui: You did.
Obi: I didn't believe him, believe him. I asked you. That counts for something. I'm not completely gullible.
Qui: Not completely, no. And yes, you did come ask me rather than spreading the lies around the temple.
Obi: Hmmm.
Qui: Please tell me you came to me first.
Obi: Well...
(Qui-Gon's comlink beeped.)
Qui: Jinn here.
Mace: Damn it, Jinn! Where the hell is that apprentice of yours?
Qui: Ah, hell.
Obi: Master!
Qui: Shut up.
Mace: Did you just tell me to shut up?
Qui: No, I was talking to someone else.
Mace: That damn kid of yours. Do you know he started spreading rumors about my head?
Qui: Rumors about your head?
Mace: There's a conspiracy theory out there that the temple is invaded each night by trolls and that they come into my quarters and polish my head with swamp mush.
Qui: Have you spoken to Master Covin?
Mace: No need to talk to that nutcase.
Obi: Hey!
Mace: The witnesses saw a short brown-haired thirteen year old apprentice in the vicinity of the rumors. Sound like anyone you know?
Qui: The swamp-mush theory has been around for a long time, Mace. Years before Obi-Wan came into the mix.
Mace: And I had killed the damn thing. Your annoying little brat started it all over again to an entire new generation. Do you know what this will do to my reputation?
Obi: Hehe.
Qui: Improve it?
Mace: Jinn, if I see that child anywhere near me or anywhere near places I frequent, I will wrap him in the web of an ice spider and feed him to the lower level sewer rats.
Obi: Harsh!
Mace: I hear him. I know he's there.
Qui: Nothing to see here, move along.
(CLICK!)
Obi: Master, that was great! But, do I have be wrapped in webs and fed to rats?
Qui: I'd rather you not, but perhaps you should stay away from Windu for a while.
Obi: Okay.
(The comlink chimed again)
Yoda: Kraken, I am not!
Qui: Master Yoda, it's good to hear from you. What did you crack?
Yoda: Crack I did not say. Kraken, I am not.
Qui: Obi-Wan, what conspiracy theory did Covin tell you about Yoda?
Obi: Something about trolls having to hide their true identity. They're not tiny, green innocent swamp people like they want you to believe, Master. They are crazy enormous sea monsters called Kraken. They can create whirlpools in oceans and suck spaceships right out of space!
Qui: Of course they can.
Yoda: Listen to me you will, Qui-Gon. Swim I cannot. That boy, you must get control of or thwack him with my gimmer stick I will!
Qui: No need to thwack anyone.
Obi: That's a stupid word. Thwack!
Qui: Obi-Wan was an unfortunate audience for Master Covin.
Yoda: Nutcase he is!
Qui: I have already explained to him about Covin.
Yoda: Your apprentice I mean. Nutcase!
Obi: Master!
Qui: It's good to speak with you too, Yoda. Goodbye.
Obi: Master, I swear, I didn't even talk to Yoda. How did he know about the Kraken thing? It's kinda scary, right?
Qui: Again, it's untrue. Covin is extreme in his thinking. I was assigned a mission with him in the past. He spent the entire time explaining how the Wookiee people were only a mirage created by Force-using dragonflies and that under the thick brown fur was nothing more than skinny alien bodies with metal-propeller wings.
Obi: I want that one to be true! Did he tell you about how the Council puts trackers in the braids of all the padawans? It's in the white band that holds the bottom of the braid and it shocks us if we do something stupid.
Qui: Have you ever been shocked by your braid? You do stupid things all the time.
Obi: No, but it explains why the Council is always in the same places I am. They are tracking me.
Qui: The Council doesn't follow you. You are the one following them.
Obi: Oh, right. So, no shocks and no tracking?
Qui: No. Only the trackers that you put on them. I know about that by the way.
Obi: Ah, nothing to see here, move along.
(Comlink chimes again)
Qui: Jinn here.
Valorum: My name is Valorum, not Valium and I do not inject myself with Bantha-poodoo serum every night to keep wrinkles away. Nor do I use it as a facial cleanser!
Qui: Chancellor. That's good to hear. How are you?
Valorum: Jinn, is your apprentice contained?
Qui: He's here next to me in our quarters.
Valorum: Not good enough. Bring him to lock-up. I have shackles and a containment pod just his size.
Obi: Master!
Qui: Ah, no. No need to lock him away. He's here with me. You may, however, wish to speak with Master Covin.
Valorum: That man is a nutcase!
Qui: He is and these are all his stories, not those of my apprentice.
Valorum: But it's easier and much less messy to crush your apprentice, grind him into tiny pieces and blast him into oblivion.
Obi: That sounds bad. And familiar.
Qui: No need to crush and blast anyone. Nothing to see here, move along. Goodbye Chancellor.
Valorum: Damn it, Ji...
(CLICK!)
Qui: Obi-Wan, no more Master Covin. Promise me.
Obi: I promise, but he gets away with this stuff. Why is everyone afraid of punishing him for being a nutcase? It's easy to take it out on a poor, innocent kid like me.
Qui: Innocent? Well...
Obi: Okay, I'm still a kid though. And not all cocky and dark like that Sith chosen one child you pick up later in life.
Qui: What?
Obi: Master, why can you do things that I am not allowed to do? I mean you defy the Code, you gamble, you steal little kids, you drool over desert slave moms. I'm surprised Covin hasn't started a conspiracy theory about you!
Qui: He has.
Obi: That you're a rebel?
Qui: That's not a theory.
Obi: It's the truth, right? What conspiracy theory has he said about you?
Qui: That is a need to know basis and you and your yapping lips do not need to know.
Obi: Come on. I won't tell anyone. Promise.
Qui: No.
Obi: Master, please? I feel like I don't even know you. I mean, Code defiance, the gambling, the kid stealing, the desert drooling, that's just a small part of the true Qui-Gon Jinn. Please tell me.
Qui: No. And I am none of those things.
Obi: Master, you bet on the swamp-pigeon races last week.
Qui: What the hell is a swamp-pigeon?
Obi: Those hideous drippy bird things that were flapping around the Temple this morning eleven minutes after breakfast break?
Qui: That's very specific and those were training drones for the initiates.
Obi: Huh. But you bet Master Bren that the green one would win.
Qui: I did no such thing. I asked if she recently used the green one in her outdoor classes to determine wind speed.
Obi: Wind. Win. Whatever. I was close.
Qui: And this is how Covin gets his news. He hears one small bit of something and then mutates it into the ridiculous, and a conspiracy theory is born.
Obi: So, all the padawans that turn fifteen next year don't automatically get promoted to Master Jedi on the morning of that birthday?
Qui: Please don't be an idiot.
Obi: I try hard not to, but the man is convincing.
Qui: Have you ever thought about researching the things he tells you? A quick galactic-web search would be a much better use of your time than what we are doing right now.
Obi: I have not thought of that... but I am guessing by the look on your face that I should have and that I should be doing it.
Qui: Good boy.
Obi: I have so many questions, Master.
Qui: And so much time to research them.
Obi: Will I be allowed to gamble and steal kids when I'm older?
Qui: No. And I do not steal children. The gambling thing, well, a man does enjoy a good hobby.
Obi: You lost three hundred credits last month.
Qui: Where did you hear that?
Obi: I just happened to be hiding behind a big rock in the Gardens when you gave that credit chit to Master Adi. I'm sure she'll just use it to buy food for her hair snakes, but still. You gambled on how many hours would pass before you got another call from Master Windu about me. How you got that wrong, I have no idea. But maybe Master Adi has the inside scoop, being in cahoots with her fellow Council members and all.
Qui: I've told you to stop sneaking around and eavesdropping. And that was midday. Why were you not in class?
Obi: No reason. Just prepping for my future with Sith Boy. The kid is a sneaker. I mean how long does he go on being married to Cinny-Head and no one knew it? Even I missed it. I must be dense in my older age. Probably too busy playing with my beard and practicing my "hello there's."
Qui: Please shut up.
Obi: Why?
Qui: Maybe instead of barring you from seeing Covin, I should trade you to him.
Obi: You're gonna barter me away?
Qui: It's a possibility.
Obi: Fine. I won't defy, gamble, steal any kids or drool. Better?
Qui: And?
Obi: Ugh! Okay, I will stay away from Master Covin.
Qui: And?
Obi: Jeez. I won't spread his weird conspiracy theories and I will look up facts before blabbing things all over the Temple. Are we done now?
Qui: You've not heard his conspiracy theories about you then.
Obi: Ah, er, oh, ah, whaaaaat?
Qui: Covin believes that you will train the Chosen One and let him become a Sith.
Obi: 'Let' is such a strong word, Master.
Qui: And that your current thinking is that Senator Palatine is Sith Lord.
Obi: Well, you have heard him talk right? All slithery-like with those big fancy words. And he does wear those black socks with his boxer shorts. Who does that except a Sith Lord?
Qui: It's possible we may need to have you study up a bit on the Sith. During their prime, fashion sense was the least of their concerns.
Obi: Eh, okay. What else about me? I honestly can't flat out deny those first theories.
Qui: His most prominent theory is that you are a droid from the future programmed to harass and destroy all people and worlds. He bases that on the logic that you never seem to age - I mean you have been thirteen for a very long time - and that when you get beaten down, you get right back up and start your yammering again, and then continue on your path of destruction.
Obi: He really gives me a lot more credit than I deserve.
Qui: Indeed he does.
Obi: Master, I'm pretty human. I mean I bleed and everything. You saw it happen a few days again when I sliced my own knee with a saber.
Qui: I did see that. You really should be past the days of bouncing saber blades off your body.
Obi: Yeah, Yeah. I'm not a droid. And I'm not a crook either.
Qui: What?
Obi: Huh? Oh, nothing. Just something that Master Nix says during my political science class. He insists he's not a crook. Not sure why. I thought he was just a teacher, but you never can tell. The fact that he says it a lot is a little concerning. I'd rather not learn lessons from crooks. I'm a decent kid. I like to follow rules and stuff.
Qui: ...and stuff. Yes.
Obi: Anyway, that was fun. What do we do now, Master?
(Comlink beeps)
Qui: Crap.
Terran: Qui-Gon, is Obi-Wan with you?
Qui: He is and has been all morning.
Obi: Yeah!
Terran: That means nothing. This issue did not require physical presence.
Qui: Tell me what he did.
Obi: I'm guilty already?
Qui: Do you deny it?
Obi: Probably not, but I at least get to hear what I did first. I may want to blame someone who didn't do it.
Qui: Terran?
Terran: First of all, I do not have bantha-hair covered swamp-chicken legs.
Obi: He does.
Terran: Second, I did not become the Chief Jedi Healer because I bought off the entire Council. I worked hard to achieve my title.
Obi: Master, they'd never allow anyone with such cold hands to be chief healer without reason.
Qui: Hush.
Terran: And I am not starting my own Order of Jedi that consists of nothing but people who grovel at my feet and kiss my toe rings. I have no toe rings and the last thing in this galaxy I want is for anyone to be putting their lips near my feet. I already have a comlink full of messages from Jedi who want to transfer to my Order! There is no Order, damn it! Make him stop.
Qui: Did you do those things, Obi-Wan?
Obi: I did, but in my defense, Master Covin gave me the idea and this was before you told me that he was a nutcase. I know better now.
Terran: I swear, I should have wrapped the boy's head in duct tape during his last visit.
Qui: Trust me, it doesn't work.
Obi: Hey!
Qui: And I'd rather you not wrap my apprentice in duct tape, thank you.
Obi: Better.
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Sorry. I'm all excited.
Qui: About what?
Obi: No idea. Healer Terran, I'm sorry. I will tell everyone that my story was just a bad joke and wasn't real and that they really should do some research on the galactic-web before believing such silly nonsense.
Terran: I hate you both. Goodbye.
(CLICK!)
Obi: He's very temperamental.
Qui: You bring out the confusion in people, Obi-Wan.
Obi: I do.
Qui: Can we stop talking now? I know you should probably be anywhere except with me during this part of the day, but I have no strength to figure out where that should actually be. So, how about you go research all the things Covin said to you.
(Hours later)
Obi: Master, you're right. Master Covin really is a nutcase. Am I allowed to say that now? I mean, almost everything he told me was a lie. I'm still not sure about the Palpy thing and the Sith Boy-Chosen One thing, but I'll find out more when I'm twenty-five. Oh and you are a gambler, kid stealer and desert drooler, and you defy. But that's not really a theory at this point. Just fact. Can we celebrate?
Qui: Sure.
Obi: Hug?
Qui: No.
Obi: Dessert? I'll buy you a sweet pala cake!
Qui: Those are your favorite, not mine.
Obi: I'll buy you a boring cup of unflavored, unsweetened tea.
Qui: Now you are speaking my language.
Obi: Standard?
Qui: What?
Obi: You speak standard, like me. Same language.
Qui: What are you...no. You know what? Not going there. Not after today. Let's go for dessert and tea at Dex's place. It's best to avoid the Temple dining hall for a while. The location trackers you placed on Windu, Yoda, Adi and Terran all have them standing at the hall entrance. Looks like an ambush.
Obi: So, not such a bad idea that I put trackers on them, huh?
Qui: Perhaps not.
Obi: I'm not all bad.
Qui: I never said you were bad. Just annoying and odd.
Obi: I love you, Master.
Qui: Uh huh.
Obi: To Dex's we go!
Qui: Ah, the trackers are moving. They're coming this way. Run to the lift, now!
Obi: Yeah! This is great. Master Qui-Gon, I could to this everyday.
Qui: No.
Obi: Okay, but just this once. Let's go!
END