Chapter 64: "Parental Advisory"
Viewpoint: Seo Akira
Rio's words still stick in my head, even long after she's left to go get stuff we need for later tonight.
"Good luck, Aki-chan."
That's a silly thing to wish someone who is just trying to decide a question, isn't it? I mean, why would I need luck to decide my answer to a statement...? I'm the one in control, so wishing someone luck makes no sense. It's not like I have to do something, or put in work... I'm the only one who judges if I succeed or fail.
And yet, she wished me luck.
It's one of the things about Rio I really don't understand and probably never will. She almost loves to toy with people's minds sometimes... and yet is coolly able to keep her own motivations secret while she does so. I don't get it.
"...So it's not really helping," I say with a bit of a sigh.
Well... that's a lie. It did help a little. The problem is... it's not a definite answer. The other problem is... well... Rio is a friend. It will impact her a little, but there are some people it will impact more...
...Like mom and dad.
I mean, I can't just show up at home one day with Tohno-senpai and blurt out "Hi mom, hi dad, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Tohno-senpai!" One of the other three people there will kill me for sure if I do that, and I'm still a little too young to die, I'd say...
…...But the main one I'm worried about is dad. Dad is usually the one I go to when I need advice, or help, or anything like that. Ever since I was little, he's been the one to mostly take responsibility for me. That's not to say mom just sits on her butt all day... she helped, and she definitely has left her mark on me, too. It's just... dad's my role model, I guess. Work hard, be good to people, and eventually good things come your way. That's what he taught me the most.
I sigh and get off my bed, and walk over to the phone. Dad will answer... I know that. It's been awhile since I've called home... well, actually, no it hasn't, because I just called them a few months ago... but I guess time has sped up to them compared to me. And, well... parents will always be parents. Mom won't stop momming me, and dad won't stop dadding me. I guess to them it wouldn't matter if I was fifteen or fifty-five – they'll look out for me as long as I'm on this world at the same time they are.
That's a parent's job, ultimately. They brought me into this world, so I'm basically a reflection of their values and stuff. I'm the end result of what they thought was important. Even the things I like and don't like, they could have influenced at any time, encouraging me or pulling me away from it.
So that's why talking to dad about something like this is important... while I can. Because someday, dad won't be there anymore, and I'll have to try to guess what he'd say in that situation.
After a few rings, the other line is picked up. "Hello?" A male voice answers.
"Dad? It's me." I reply.
"Ah, Akira! How are things going?" I can hear the smile in his voice.
"Pretty good," I say with a smile likewise in mine. "Life's been a little hectic over the last few weeks, but I'm managing fine."
"Good to hear, good to hear!" I can tell dad's smiling genuinely.
For someone who owns a brewery that is well-known both in Japan and around the world, dad is surprisingly down-to-earth. Quite a few people are almost afraid to meet him until they actually do so, and when they walk away from the meeting, their fears of some sort of hard corporate type are all but gone.
I would guess that it is because unlike, say, Tohno-senpai or Souka-san, dad was never "raised" rich. He made his fame and his fortune through hard work and skill. As a result, he's genuinely passionate about his brewery and how well it performs. The profit he makes ends up being secondary to the quality and fame of his creations.
I guess that's kinda why I was raised normally, as opposed to them, or even Hanei-san. Dad grew up normally, so to him, success in life is simply hard work and a passion for what you like doing. That's why he never discouraged my hobbies, like drawing. He said if I like it enough and put my heart and soul into every sketch and drawing, that before long I'd be famous.
His encouragement really inspired me to do my best.
"So what's up?" He asks. "It's unlike you to call home so quickly in succession."
"Yeah, I know..." I sigh a bit and steel myself. Dad's pretty easygoing... but what I'm about to ask him for advice on is certainly difficult. I mean... how else do you explain to your dad that another girl told you she thought she was in love with you...?
…...Especially when it's a girl who you least expected to be the sort of person that would ever say such a thing to you...?
"Dad... listen. Something happened yesterday that I think you should know about..." I feel my courage already beginning to falter.
"...Hm?" His voice takes on the slightest hint of concern. "What is it, Akira? When you get like that, I know it's something big."
"...Yesterday a girl told me she loved me. In a romantic way." I swallow hard after feeling my throat tighten a bit.
"...And then what?"
"Nothing. She left right after she said it. I think she was afraid of how I'd react. But she's been a very good friend of mine ever since I met her... and I'm not sure how I should react to it, really..."
A long silence. I swear that time slows down. I feel like I'm sitting in a star chamber.
"Hmm... well, what do you think about it, Akira? Does it bother you that she said that?"
...Does it bother me? That's a silly question. Of course it bothers me. If it didn't bother me, I wouldn't be calling you...
"...I don't know what to think, dad..." I sigh as I sit on my bed. "Part of me is conscious of the fact we're both girls, but... this girl isn't the sort of person to who she would tell that to just anyone..."
"Well, what is she like?"
"...Do you remember whenever I talked to you about Tohno-senpai?"
"…...…...Her?" He actually somehow doesn't sound too surprised.
"Yeah... and we've been friends for awhile, but there's a difference between being friends, and... this... this isn't usually how she would act, so..."
I hear dad "Hmmmm" slightly in deep thought. "Hold on a second, Akira."
"...Okay," I say, as I wait on the line. I can hear what he's doing... and based on the noises, I can tell where he is. He's in the brewery section of the home, of course. There's some chatter from the workers in the background. Eventually I hear a door shut and click, and then silence. Dad must've walked into his office.
"Okay," he says when he sits down in the chair inside, which makes a slight squeak that I can hear. "So the head of the Tohno family told you that she loved you... and you're not sure how to react to that."
"Yeah. I mean... we're both girls, and I don't want rumors to spread or anything. Rumors in this school spread like wildfire. And if Tohno-senpai catches wind of rumors of that, well..."
"Well... I don't want to get nosy or anything, but do you think you would be able to love her like that?"
"...Eh?" I ask myself, somewhat thrown off by the question... which forces me to think about it.
Dad's personality is a bit off-beat like that... most fathers would be extremely protective of their daughters. Dad's a bit different, really... he's more of a free soul. That's not to say he doesn't protect me, or watch out for me... but it means he's not watching every single move I do, and is basically letting me learn from my mistakes.
I'd be a very poor candidate for someone like Tohno-senpai. She'd be demanding on the people she would love, I'm sure. A stressful life like hers... well, she would need someone who could give her that little bit of happiness each day. And I really don't know if I'm the type who can do that for her...
I mean... I've never really had much in terms of relationships. I'm too weird for most boys, I'd think... and, well, I've never had an interest in girls. I mean... I know some girls are into girls, and I know roughly what that sort of thing would be like... but I've never seen myself in that, except for that silly dream.
"...I've never been in a relationship like that before, dad, with a boy or a girl."
"Hmm... well, you're old enough to have them now, you know. You're going to be 16 in just over two months, after all. I was certainly dating by the time I was your age."
"...With mom?" I'm curious to know.
"No, no." He laughs. "Your mother and I wouldn't meet for about five years or so. I can't really put myself into your shoes fully, Akira, but I can pass along what I know."
"Please, dad. I'm so confused right now... I don't know what to tell her, or anything... and I don't want to hurt her feelings, you know...?"
"I know, Lilac. It's okay. This is all new to you, but there's a first time for everything." He sighs a bit, and hearing him call me by my pet name helps me feel a little more at ease. "Well... I would say the key thing is to be with someone who you're sure you can be happy with, especially if it's your first relationship. Don't be afraid of making mistakes... I doubt she's had very many relationships either, due to her social class. With me so far?"
"...Yeah," I say.
"Good. Well, mistakes are really a part of any relationship. Nobody's perfect, so don't try to be. Relationships are built on compromise and trust, and it's important to have both, because neither of you are going to get all of what you want, probably... and without trust, the relationship is just doomed to fail. So... do you think you could trust her?"
...Can I trust her?
That's a silly question. She can trust me with her secrets, so it'd be only fair to expect her to keep her word with mine.
"Yes," I reply without even hesitating. I know I could count on Tohno-senpai.
"And do you think you and her would be able to compromise?"
...Well, that's part of living with someone, isn't it? Neither Rio or I get our way completely. We both have to agree on stuff... like who has to clean up the room, or who has to get supplies, and stuff like that.
"...Yeah, probably. Lately she's opened up more about herself... I won't repeat it, though, as some of it is pretty private, and I told her I wouldn't tell anyone."
"Ah, see? There you go. She trusted you with that information, and you had the self control to withstand saying it. Good job!"
I blush a little upon hearing my father's praise. There's just one problem with this all...
"Uh... dad... you're kind of missing a point though."
"Oh? What?" He asks.
"...I'm talking about a relationship with a girl, dad."
"And?" I can hear the slight confusion in his voice.
"...With a GIRL, dad. G-I-R-L, girl."
"…...So?" He sounds... genuinely disinterested. Doesn't he realize...?ǃ
Society places stigmas on those of the same gender who are involved with another. They have some rights, but they also lose others, and discrimination is always a factor.
The way dad's making it sound, it's like he hardly cares that I'm basically telling him that another girl wants me to be her girlfriend.
"...I'm also a girl, dad! I, It's lesbianism!" I finally manage to just say it outright.
"Well, if you're sure that's what makes you happy, then go for it."
…...…Whatǃ?
"...Dad... don't you care...?ǃ"
Aren't fathers suppose to... you know... try to find an ideal husband for their daughters, or something? Here it's like dad is just shrugging his shoulders...!
"Of course I care! That's why I said it should be with someone who you're sure you'd be happy with. That's what I want for you most of all... for you to be happy, Akira. It doesn't really matter to me if it's with a boy or a girl... as long as you're happy, I'm happy, because that's what I want for you."
"…...…...Dad…...…..." Words fail me...
"So if you think you'll be happy with her, then go ahead. Denying someone happiness is probably the third cruelest thing you can do to them, short of killing their children and killing them in front of their children. And all of that stuff is just labels, anyway... there was once an American who said 'Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.' I think it's pretty solid advice, so... whoever you're with, as long as you're happy with them, you have my full support, okay?"
"…...Yeah," I manage to croak out, my voice so tight and dry it feels like I left it out in a desert for weeks.
I can't believe it.
Here I thought he'd... freak out, or something, and he's just shrugging this off like it was so perfectly normal and commonplace, like everyone has this sort of phase at some time in their lives...
...Well, it's true quite a few girls have a Class S experience growing up. I mean... girls are raised to be the more emotional sex, so it's only natural that we'd think of stuff like longing for someone, and wanting to feel loved and desired. Men are the ones raised to be taking charge, and worrying about all sorts of stuff that they have to accept responsibility for.
…...But dad isn't that kind of personality. I was stupid to think that he'd suddenly abandon how he's always acted just because of this.
"...Something wrong?" Concern again.
I manage to swallow and moisten my throat before I speak "...Well, it's just... I didn't think you'd take that sort of thing very well, that's all..."
Dad gives a laugh that seems to come from the bottom of his body and soul. "Akira, why wouldn't I? I want all the best for you! To me it doesn't matter who gives you that... as long as it's who you think is best, they could have eight eyes, four arms, and walk like a crab."
I can't help but laugh at that. Dad... you're so wonderful at getting me out of moods like that. Hearing me laugh makes him laugh a little more, too.
"So you're okay with it?" I manage to say after I stop laughing.
"Absolutely! Just be happy with them. That's all I ask." He explains. "If you're happy, I'm happy, and I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, because it's your life, and I can't make your choices for you forever. Obviously, I'd have to go more into a talk of protection if it were a boy, but I don't have to worry about that."
"...I've already had sex ed, dad, thanks," I say as I laugh slightly, embarrassed.
"I know, I know. I just want you to be safe and happy, and not having kids of your own while you're still a bit of a kid yourself, Lilac. Admittedly, with a girl, I don't have to worry about that. Anyway... yes, I'm fine with it. If she makes you happy, then go for it. And if it works out, bring her over sometime. I'd be more than happy to give the Tohno some of my best brews."
"...I'll be sure to if it does," I say, feeling a little color fill up my cheeks at the thought of Tohno-senpai visiting dad's brewery. "Alright... that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I know you're pretty busy over there, so I don't want to keep you from work too long. Thanks dad."
"No problem, Lilac. Have a good night." He makes a kiss into the phone. I do as well, and then we both hang up.
I set the phone back where it was, and I sigh as I look at it.
The truth is... I had no idea how dad would react. Dad is pretty free in expressing his mind and his opinions, but something like this... well, I certainly thought it'd be more significant than he did.
I mean... I'm not going to go out on a limb and call myself gay. I really don't feel gay, and I've never really thought "Boys are yucky." Well, aside from when I was growing up... but that's normal kid stuff. No, I can't be lesbian, because I'd still like to see and talk with Shiki-san... and I wouldn't mind dating him, either.
Dad knew of that, because I made sure I told him about it. Not all the details... but the gist of it. He was glad I was okay, and he seemed to think that Shiki-san and I would make a nice couple when I got a bit older... given that at the time, well, I was 14 still.
That's what made me worry. Because, of course, he knew of the Tohno family, and he knew their head was but a then-sixteen year old girl, who was already able to juggle all of that family's affairs with apparent ease. We went to the same school, so we were familiar with each other, and he's heard Tohno-senpai in the background once or twice before when I've called.
…...So for some silly reason, I feared that when I told him that she said she loved me and I didn't know how to react, that he'd threaten to disown me or something like that.
Instead, he just basically said "Knock yourself out as long as she makes you happy." I don't think very many other fathers would be able to tell their daughters that. Especially since... well, I'm at that age where relationships get more intimate. Dad's not stupid about that, I'm sure... but it shows he trusts me enough to let me judge what is right for me.
That helps my decision a little bit, then... I'm still undecided, I think, but I know that at least dad won't hate or disown me over it if it happened. Dad's so important to me, and he's inspired me so much, I don't think I could take rejection from him at this point in my life.
But then again... dad really wouldn't be dad without that aspect to him. I feel blessed every day that I have him as my father, and not someone like Tohno-senpai's father was, from what I've heard about him. I think I would've been hopelessly crushed... or ran away.
I can't really take a strict, rigid lifestyle like Tohno-senpai grew up with. I'm kind of like Souka-san... I mean, there is a difference between being nice and polite, and being just... excessively formal. Some people want to be treated like the very grass they walk on turns to gold or something... or as Souka-san more vulgarly puts it, "like their shit don't stink."
Dad, on the other hand, actively encouraged me to be bold enough to take some risks. He knew when I'd be going too far usually, and I ever was over my head, all I had to do was talk to him and he would help me out without fail... like a father should.
I remember him explaining it to me once. He told me that it's not about "preventing" me from doing dumb things, because that's impossible. Instead, he made sure I learned lessons from the dumb things... and it worked like a charm. I can't say there have been very many times in my life where I haven't thought about what dad would say or do... and those few times that I can't come to an answer... well, that's when I call him.
So...
...If I do this, then I know at least dad won't be mad at me. Rio is also strangely approving of it, for some reason. I know she's looking out for me - if Tohno-senpai is someone who I could count on in times of crisis, Rio is who I can count on when it's not quite crisis-level yet. I'd expect those sorts of things from her by now, since she wants to be a shrink.
I guess what dad was basically saying is "So what?" if people found out that Tohno-senpai and I were having a romantic relationship. And... he's right, I think. For one, nobody would dare to whisper it while Tohno-senpai were around; her reputation precedes her. Anyone who'd be dumb enough to talk about it would probably not be willing to do it very much longer if Tohno-senpai got a hold of them.
…...Even then, common sense says that having an all-girl school dictates that things like this have happened before. Surely I'm not the first girl who's ever been here to question being in this position, and surely Tohno-senpai isn't the first girl to confess such a feeling before.
But even after both Tohno-senpai and myself graduate... if we did do this... if we did become a couple, we would still matter, to each other. The school would no longer have any bearing, any meaning on it besides being our mutual high school.
What would be ahead of us then... would be our lives.
We can't stay kids forever. I know that. Nobody wants to grow up, but we all have to... it's the price we pay for getting to experience life; doing things we don't want to do in order to survive. But those things that we do want to do... people we want to talk to, things we want to buy, goals we want to meet... well, the end result is that we treasure those things that we do want even more. If every day were your birthday, that wouldn't be much fun.
But as we grow up, we mature enough to allow ourselves to have these complex sorts of relationships... one where friends can become more than friends, and roles often play a factor in that. I... I know that senpai and kouhai are a fairly popular pairing in manga, but... this isn't a manga. This is life. This is reality; this is the true world that exists. Manga isn't reality. TV isn't reality. Plays aren't reality. Movies aren't reality. Videogames aren't reality. Imagination isn't reality...
…...But yet, imagination is necessary for a healthy person. Because those who imagine are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams, the architects of fantasia. They are the ones who take nothing and make something out of it... something which interests us all and lets us forget, for a few hours, whatever aspects of our life we do not like, and enjoy something that we wish we could all be a part of.
And I... am one of those people who create, and through that, I allow others to forget their life's issues, whatever they are.
So... dad is right. I should just worry about being happy, and to hell with what everyone else thinks. Thinking like that... that's why I feel so blessed to have him as my father. Having an outside-the-box perspective helps put things like this into crystal clarity.
"...Thanks, dad. I love you."
So... I guess the best thing to do now is to just decide if that's right for me.
It's still a little scary to think that Tohno-senpai, of all people, wants this...
But well... The first step is the hardest one to take, isn't it...?
Next Week (9/2/11) – Chapter 65: "Memories in the Dark"