What's on the Menu? - A Yappy Obi story
13 year old Yappy Obi is on the hunt for the missing Archives Mari.
Posted September 2021
Obi: Master, have you seen Archives Mari?
Qui: I have not.
Obi: I've been checking the archives for her day and night, every hour on the hour for the last three weeks and I can't find her.
Qui: Perhaps she does not wish to be found. Especially by you.
Obi: Did you just call me annoying?
Qui: Not in so many words. Do you deny that you are annoying?
Obi: I do not.
Qui: Good, then run along to class. Wait… did you say day and night, every hour on the hour?
Obi: I did.
Qui: Is that why you keep leaving your bedroom in the middle of the night. You said you had to use the bathroom.
Obi: I had to pee. How did you know I was up? Are you stalking me?
Qui: You project quite loudly across our bond.
Obi: You can't hear me through that.
Qui: No, but I can feel things. You feel… loudly.
Obi: I do. I'm an emotional kid, Master.
Qui: Uh huh. No more night visits to the Archives. And stop peeing so much.
Obi: But I need to talk to Archives Mari.
Qui: Do you really?
Obi: Well, yes, kinda, maybe, not so much, I don't know. Master, stop looking at me like that.
Qui: She's warned you before to stay out of the archives unless directed there by a teacher or Master.
Obi: She did.
Qui: And you don't listen.
Obi: I do. But you know how difficult it is for me to obey.
Qui: I certainly do. Leave her alone and stay out of the archives. That is a direct order.
Obi: Yes, Master. But I'm worried about her.
Qui: Why?
Obi: She's missing.
Qui: There could be a multitude of reasons for her not being present in recent weeks.
Obi: Kidnapping. Death. Torture. Stabbed. Shot. Imprisoned.
Qui: Or other less violent reasons. Such as vacation, transfer, sabbatical.
Obi: No, that's not it. It's bad. Something has happened to her. I miss her yelling at me. No one yells at me like Archives Mari. She and I have a thing.
Qui: A thing?
Obi: Yup. We get each other. We connect.
Qui: Last time, she almost connected her fist to your face, is that what you mean?
Obi: Not really, but I like what you did there.
Qui: All right. I know I'll regret this, but would you like to come have mid-day meal with me in the dining hall?
Obi: You mean lunch? So formal… mid-day meal. Has a hyphen in there and everything.
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Yes, oh, sorry, Master. Yes, please, I'll come with you. I don't need go go to class anyway.
—-
Obi: Hey, they finally did some renovation on this place. The drab brown walls that always made the initiates cry are gone. Now they're just boring gray. Subtle, but an improvement.
Qui: I rather enjoyed the brown walls.
Obi: Because you could blend in and camouflage yourself from people you didn't want to talk to.
Qui: I did no such thi… well, all right, I'll admit to that. Unfortunately, it never worked as well as I'd hoped.
Obi: Yeah, that troll could see right through it.
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Sorry. Master Yoda, the troll, could see right through it.
Qui: Never mind.
Obi: They have a new menu too. Hmm. If my sweet cream pala cakes are off the menu, there will be consequences.
Qui: They were never on the menu here. You get those from Dex.
Obi: Oh yeah. We should go to his diner to eat instead of this place. You could get some intel on stuff you really don't need to know about at the same time. All that boring political stuff that makes me snore.
Qui: I could, but no. Choose something from the new menu. See, they have new meat varieties. Bantha, bonbon and numah.
Obi: What the hell is numah?
Qui: Smells interesting, whatever it is.
Obi: Hmm. Something's fishy.
Qui: I don't smell fish, although numah could be some type of fish. They used to have those small salty ones on the menu. Numah could be larger. There's always a bigger fish, you know.
Obi: Master, you really should stop saying that. It was funny the first fifty times, but four hundred repeats later, it's just stupid.
Qui: You want to rephrase that?
Obi: I guess so. You're so funny, Master. Soooo funny. There, I slapped my knee. Better?
Qui: Not to your usual quality, but I'll accept. Figure out what you want off the men… what are you doing?
Obi: Scanning the room for Archives Mari.
Qui: You think she vanished for three weeks and has been hiding here in the dining hall?
Obi: Stranger things have happened and people come here all the time to hide from me. You've done it how many times now? Probably you won't anymore since they took your drab brown walls away.
Qui: Decide on lunch or you are fasting for two straight days.
Obi: Harsh. Okay. I'm fascinated by the numah stuff, but wary. Why would they put a meat on there that no one has ever heard of?
Qui: You and I hardly compose the entirety of no one.
Obi: True, but still. Something's fishy in the state of Denmark.
Qui: What?
Obi: Something's fishy… oh never mind.
Qui: There's always a bigger fish.
Obi: Master, stop. You'll embarrass me.
Qui: Me embarrass you?
Obi: Yes.
Qui: You have fifteen seconds to determine what you want or you will fast. One. Two. Three.
Obi: Something… somewhere… Archives Mari… Numah… Oh no!
Qui: What?
Obi: How long has this new menu been up?
Qui: It began about three weeks ago.
Obi: That's exactly how long Archives Mari has been missing!
Qui: The bright side, at least you won't fail mathematics. Your point is?
Obi: Numah!
Qui: What?
Obi: Numah, numah, numah!
Qui: Stop yelling or I will take you down a notch. What is wrong with you? Damn, loaded question. What is wrong with you at this particular moment?
Obi: Master! That's it! Numah. Reverse the letters. Numah is Human backwards! That's Archives Mari ground up and on the menu! That's why she's vanished so suddenly. She's lunch!
Qui: Obi-Wan so help me…
Obi: Ow, ow, ow, ow. Leggo my braid, Master! Why are you pulling me toward the no-longer-drab walls?
Qui: Have you been hanging around Master Covin again? I told you to stop that.
Obi: The conspiracy guy? Nah. He's so boring now. Even his conspiracy theories have conspiracy theories. None of it makes any sense. Even to me. Why do you ask?
Qui: Why do you think?
Obi: Oh, the human meat on the menu thing? I mean, Master, come on, it kinda makes sense.
Qui: In what galaxy?
Obi: Ah, this one? This galaxy is a little screwy. I mean, you have met the Hutts, right? That water planet with all the giraffe people. Master Poof. There's a guy on the Council that looks like Bigfoot. Those tiny little nonsensical rat people on Tatooine. Healers with cold hands. Oh, and Senator Palpatine with his boxers and black socks. Did you know he had sandals on the other day too? It was horrid. I almost puked. I held it back though. That's how strong I've become in the Force.
Qui: What?
Obi: His wardrobe. Boxers. Black socks. Sandals. Master, please don't ever become… that!
Qui: I'm not talking about Palpatine. Wait, why were you near him? You've been told to stop stalking him. In fact, you've been told to stop stalking half of the Temple.
Obi: He's weird, Master. And I'm pretty sure he's a Sith. Who else would wear that combination of lower torso attire?
Qui: The Sith did not wear…. Damn it, stop! I am not getting dragged into your nonsense again. And that meat is not anyone you know, nor is it made of human.
Obi: Too much of coincidence. She disappears the same time they put numah meat on the menu; a meat of which no one has ever heard.
Qui: Again, you and I, not a large sample.
Obi: Large enough. I'm smart. You're smart. We figured this out, Master!
Qui: No, no and no, I am not part of your nuttiness. This is your theory. You own it.
Obi: Really?
Qui: Really. And I want to you to truly own it. Stand on the table in the middle of the dining hall and proclaim it to the entire Temple.
Obi: Ah, er, um, uh, hmm. Master, I can't do that. People would talk.
Qui: They do anyway.
Obi: True. But I need more proof before I proclaim it for all to hear.
Qui: You need more poof for that, but for me, you just blab it out like fact.
Obi: I do, but you are you. You get me. We get each other. We connect.
Qui: You said that about Mari.
Obi: Yes, I did, didn't I?
Qui: Well?
Obi: Well?
Qui: If you really believe that Mari is on the menu, go ahead. Tell the galaxy.
Obi: See, about that…
Qui: You don't believe it.
Obi: I kind of want to. Kinda, sorta. Is that weird?
Qui: Extremely.
Obi: Do you think I need help, Master? You know ever since my shrink, Nev, flew the coup, I've kind of been on my own.
Qui: I account for nothing then?
Obi: You account for everything, but he understood me. We got each other. We connected.
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Oh, right. I hear it now. I talk a lot.
Qui: Too much.
Obi: I'm sorry, Master. I didn't mean to be insane. But you have to admit the coincidence is alarming. Three weeks. She's gone. New meat. Come on, you can see how I came to that conclusion, right?
Qui: No.
Obi: Oh well… hey, look over past the doorway. The VIP section.
Qui: There is no VIP section in the dining hall.
Obi: There is. The Council made one. They put up a stupid red-velvet rope. It has a slimy troll chair and everything.
Qui: Huh. Damn if they didn't do that.
Obi: Told you. But that's not my point. Look who's sitting next to Master Medusa. Look, Master, look!
Qui: That's Adi Gallia.
Obi: Tell me she doesn't have snakes on her head. Go ahead. Tell me.
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Fine. Look next to her.
Qui: Ah, Mari. Suspiciously not ground up into tiny morsels of meat.
Obi: I'm so glad she escaped the grinder. I'm gonna go see her.
Qui: That's not a good idea… oh, what the hell.
—-
Obi: Archives Mari! Hi! It's me, Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Mari: Damn.
Obi: You remember me, right?
Mari: Damn damn.
Obi: You've been gone for three weeks, I was worried. Kept checking for you and the other archives person told me to get the hell away, that it was none of my business where you were. So I explained who I was and why I needed to see you and well, he ran away babbling to himself. After that I just kept checking and checking and checking and you were never there. I thought the worst. Kidnapping, shot, stabbed, grinded.
Mari: Grinded?
Obi: Oh, wait, grinded? Grounded? Ground? Master? Is ground correct? Yeah, that's it.
Mari: What the hell are you talking about?
Obi: I feared the worst. Especially after the new menu in the dining hall.
Qui: Obi-Wan. Tread carefully please. I just recently had my reputation restored.
Obi: Okay, I was worried for you, Archives Mari. Where have you been?
Mari: I don't believe you have any need to know. I see you are still insane however.
Obi: Insane is such an ugly term. Master Qui-Gon calls it nuttiness. I prefer that. It's less like a label and more like a way of being.
Mari: I will way of being you, please go away now.
Obi: I will way of being you… that makes no sense. Master, does that make sense?
Qui: No, but the effort was there.
Mari: Go away, blabber elsewhere. I'm busy.
Obi: In the VIP section. Nice. How'd you manage that? Did you feed Master Adi's hair-snakes while she was on sabbatical?
Mari: One. Two. Three.
Obi: Your face is red.
Mari: Your's will be soon if you don't walk away now.
Obi: But I need your help.
Mari: With what? What can you, the Blabber of Doom, possibly need my help with?
Obi: Research?
Mari: Wrong.
Obi: Reading?
Mari: Wrong.
Obi: Think…ing?
Mari: You? Think?
Qui: She's got a point, Padawan.
Obi: Master, you're supposed to be on my side.
Qui: Eh, I pick my battles. You may call me Switzerland.
Obi: Swisswha?
Qui: Nothing. Continue on your pointless point making.
Mari: And you, Jinn, you only humor this child.
Qui: Eh, I pick my battles.
Mari: Get away from me, both of you. Before I have you ground up and served as the next meat of the month.
Obi: Damn. Master, you said…
Qui: Don't go there.
Obi: But she did.
Qui: Be better.
Mari: That'll be the day.
Obi: When you make me cry?
Mari: Keep it up, Yappo.
Obi: Yappo?
Mari: Jinn, take him now.
Qui: I'd rather you not ground up my apprentice.
Obi: You think I'd be a little gamey, Master?
Qui: Yes, that's exactly the reason why.
Mari: Idiots. Both of you. I swear to the Force.
Obi: Swearing on the Force. Isn't that sacrilegious or something?
Qui: Or something.
Mari: Go. Now.
Obi: I haven't had lunch yet. I'm kinda craving that numah stuff, now that I know it's not y…
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: I missed you, Archives Mari.
Mari: One. Two. Three.
Obi: Master, her face turns redder than yours when you count me down.
Qui: She's older.
Obi: Older. You mean she built the original Archives?
Mari: Did anyone here say that?
Obi: No, but Master Qui-Gon said you were old.
Qui: Older.
Obi: Right and you're really old, Master. So, she must be ancient.
Mari: Imbeciles!
Qui: I am not old. I've not even reached fifty standard yet.
Mari: Idiots!
Obi: Your hair has gray.
Qui: That's your fault.
Mari: Morons!
Obi: Archives Mari's hair is all gray. White really. That makes her almost dead.
Mari: Hair color is a choice, you ignoramus! And I am not almost dead.
Obi: Eh, closing in.
Qui: Obi-Wan, perhaps we should leave.
Obi: But I haven't eaten yet.
Mari: Dunderheads!
Qui: Yes, but I don't think we should be nearby if Mari's head explodes. She's edging in that direction.
Mari: Lamers! Dipsticks! Plonkers! Gonzos! Gowks! DUNDERHEADS!
Obi: You already said that one… ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Master, my head is connected to that braid! Where are we going? I'm hungry and I still need to discuss things with Arches Mari, ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
Qui: Her face has reached a level of red that simply does not exist in the galaxy. We must go. Now. Quickly.
Obi: But, wow, that is red! Or purple maybe? Fascinating!
Qui: Come now. I'll take you to see Dex.
Obi: Sweet pala cakes?
Qui: As long as we are away from here when she explodes. Go now. Hurry.
Obi: Bye Archives Mari. I'm glad you're alive. I'll come visit you tomorrow. Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Mari: DIE DIE DIE!
Qui: Run, Obi-Wan, run. Now. Don't look back.
Obi: I hope they don't paint the walls the color of her face.
Qui: Stop talking and run.
Mari: DIE DIE DIE!
Obi: I'm so glad she's alive, Master. The thought of her ground up into edible chunks was just too much for my palette.
Qui: Yes, this version of her is so much nicer.
Mari: DIE DIE DIE!
Obi: I blame myself.
Qui: You do?
Mari: DIE DIE DIE!
Obi: I think so.
Qui: That's mature of you, Padawan.
Obi: If I hadn't looked for her, I never would have found her. And if I hadn't found her, she never would have gotten so worked up. I should have left her laying on a meat grinder.
Qui: I take back my comment about maturity.
Mari: DIE DIE DIE!
Obi: Dex will take care of me. His head has never exploded, has it Master?
Qui: Not to my knowledge. He will feed you fill of sugar which will cause you to babble non stop for an hour, then you'll collapse and sleep for nine hours straight. This is probably the course of action I should have aimed for in the beginning. The dining hall, not my best plan.
Obi: Archives Mari is alive, I'm happy. That's all that matters.
Qui: Eh, there's probably more that matters in the scene we just witnessed, but I'll let you have it. Go on, grab a lift and we'll take public transport to Dex's place. That'll keep you entertained for a few minutes.
Obi: Public transport is always an adventure.
Qui: With you, Obi-Wan, every second of every day is an adventure.
END