Chapter 20

Gibbs didn't show it, didn't even flinch, but he was shocked by what Tim said. ...and finally, he was understanding some of what had driven Tim's anger, his fear, his hatred and self-loathing. In his estimation, he had destroyed himself to save them and had received no thanks for his sacrifice. ...and the fact that Tim had hated them as much as he did and yet still had saved their lives hit him much harder than he had expected it to. He didn't agree with Tim's summation, but he now was understanding why the anger hadn't faded, why the fear was still there, why Tim could feel such hatred. His life was irredeemably lost to him and no one seemed to care.

"What? Nothing to say?" Tim asked, his voice saturated with bitterness and resignation. He looked down at the ground. "No clever quip? No blame? No suggestion that I brought this on myself? Nothing?"

What Gibbs did see was that he needed to say something, but for once, he didn't know what that was. Staying silent at this point would be disastrous because Tim would assume the worst. He already had assumed the worst both about himself and about others.

"Ducky knows...sort of. ...and for some reason, he hasn't given up on me. I don't know why. Maybe he just doesn't actually understand. Maybe he's just being nice."

"I doubt it." Gibbs took a breath and decided to try...try to do something he should have done a long time ago. "Tell me, McGee."

"Tell you what?"

"What happened while you were undercover?"

"It's a day late and a dollar short for that," Tim said. "You've read my report. It was very thorough. I didn't hold anything back. I didn't lie."

"That's not what I'm asking about, and I know it's too late for anything to change."

"Then, why bother? It's not going to come up in the trial. She was armed. It looks like everything was being done according to procedure. There's no point in bringing it up at all."

"Yes, there is."

"What point is there?"

"The same reason I built that desk. I want to understand."

"We don't always get what we want."

"I know that."

"But you want me to trot out everything that happened just so you can finally try to understand? Eighteenth months after it all happened?"

"Yes."

Tim looked at him in surprise. His easy agreement must not have been what he was expecting.

"This isn't just for my sake, though, McGee. I think you're wrong."

"About what?"

"About why you killed Jewel."

"Well, what do you know? You weren't there. You didn't see it happen. How could you know?" Tim asked, angry. "What makes you some sort of tower of insight?"

"I'm not. That's why I want to know...instead of only thinking."

Tim stood up, and he looked like he was going to leave. Obviously, this was not something he wanted to talk about, and it was clear that he didn't trust Gibbs. Tim didn't think that Gibbs could help or that he would expend himself enough to try. This called for something more than any sort of brevity. Gibbs knew he couldn't go his normal route and just let the person having trouble talk. Tim didn't trust him enough to talk. Gibbs knew that he was the one who had to make the effort to start fixing this...only, he didn't know if it was possible after so long. All he knew was that Tim's problems were not something he could ignore anymore. He'd let them lie for much too long.

He'd become so used to the eyes staring at him that he'd forgotten to whom they belonged...and why they were there.

"It wasn't your fault that Erin Kendall was killed."

Tim stopped mid-step. He didn't turn back around but he stopped walking.

"You reacted as you should have when you fired at Benedict...and even if you did kill him, it wasn't your fault."

Still no response. No overt response at any rate.

"I was wrong to punish you when Abby let Mikael into your apartment."

Nothing.

"You had no control over what Landon did when he killed those two men. That wasn't your fault."

Silence.

"You didn't owe me anything for pushing you out of the way of that car...and I was wrong to let you try and repay a debt that you didn't owe."

"Big surprise," Tim muttered.

Gibbs almost smiled. At least it was a response, even if it wasn't much.

"...and you're not a murderer now."

"Wrong again," Tim said, his voice a little shaky. He turned around and Gibbs wasn't surprised to see a slight sheen in his eyes. "You have no idea. You weren't there. You don't know!"

"Then, tell me. If I'm so wrong, McGee, tell me. What happened?"

"I shot her. What more do you need to know?"

Gibbs smiled. "You already proved to me that you're a whole lot more aware than that, McGee. You know exactly what more I would need to know."

Tim did not smile. "Not if you think that you're going to prove that I'm no murderer. You should have just arrested me for Smythe's murder. I wouldn't be guilty of that, but it still would have been justice."

"No, it wouldn't. You'd be letting the real killer get away."

"So? I'm still ultimately to blame for Smythe being killed in the first place. Just because someone else happened to pull the trigger doesn't change the fact that he was killed because I was there."

"Jewel, McGee. What about Jewel?"

"I did things with her," Tim said. "Things I would never do, but I did them. Sure, at first, it was to get on her good side...because I had to. At first, it was because of the job, but I didn't need to keep on with it...not as much as I did, but I did it. I started enjoying...what I did with her. ...and I wanted to be with her because she didn't treat me like I had to be one certain way. She didn't express surprise every time I did something right."

"Like we did?"

Tim turned away from him again and didn't answer.

"But she was just like you. Just the same. She said I was only a tech. She didn't think I was a threat. I warned her that I'd have to stop her...but I could see what she was thinking. Never good enough." Tim actually laughed a little. "...and I killed her for it."

"No, you didn't."

Tim turned around, strangely angry again. "Yes, I did! You don't know! You weren't there...and even if you had been, you still wouldn't know! I know what I was thinking! I know! ...and I was angry at her for underestimating me! She had her gun trained on the door and didn't even care about me! I wasn't a threat to her! The last words I said to her were that she should have realized what I could do!"

Gibbs looked at Tim almost in awe, but it wasn't a good kind of awe. Everything Tim was saying flew totally in the face of what he thought about him...and Gibbs refused to believe that he was such a poor judge of character. He had made huge mistakes, but not about who Tim was. His mistake was in forgetting who Tim was, not in the initial estimation.

"What about your first words?"

"What?"

"What are the first words you said to her in that room? What did you say first?"

"None of your business," Tim retorted.

"I know that."

"Then, don't ask."

Tim started to walk away again. Gibbs hurried to get in front of him.

"Wait."

"No."

"Yes."

"Get out of my way or I'll punch you out, too."

"Go ahead. I probably deserve it."

...and Tim managed to surprise Gibbs one more time. He made a fist, drew it back...and punched Gibbs very solidly...in the gut. Gibbs doubled over and went down to one knee, gasping for breath.

"You do deserve it!" Tim said...but he sounded like he was crying. Gibbs just couldn't look up to see if he was right.

...but as Gibbs had hoped, Tim didn't leave. He stood where he was as Gibbs struggled back to his feet...and it took him longer than he wanted to admit to get that far. After a couple of minutes, he stood up, still rubbing at his sore abdomen, and looked at Tim who was staring into the distance, tears on his cheeks, not looking at anyone or anything.

"McGee?"

Nothing.

"You all right?"

Still nothing.

"Tim?"

Now, Gibbs was actually worried that he'd pushed Tim too far...again.

"I didn't miss," Tim said softly.

"I know."

"I didn't even want to miss...but it wasn't about you. It was about her."

Ah, back to it, even if Tim looked a lot more fragile than he had before.

"McGee...what did you say to her first?" Gibbs asked, but more gently. It was less of an order.

"I said that she could surrender and live or die fighting."

"And?"

"And I wanted her to live right then. I wanted her to live a lot more than I wanted you to live...but I had to show that I could do my job right."

"But?"

"She wouldn't. She was all about the thrills. Seeing how many she could take out before she died was exciting to her...like how she used to..." Tim cut himself off.

Gibbs decided that there was no point in probing about what Tim and Jewel had done together. Tim was obviously disgusted by it now.

"And then?" he prompted.

"I said I'd have to stop her...and she..." Anger. That easy anger...and the equally-easy fear. "...she said that I couldn't stop her. I was just a tech! She could kill me long before they killed her. She didn't know I had a gun. She hadn't even bothered to look for one because I wasn't worth her notice. She dismissed me and I killed her!"

"No, McGee. You're forgetting what you said."

"No, I'm not."

"Then, you're not giving yourself the credit you deserve."

"No, you're just trying to make yourself feel better about things by trying to make me think I'm not responsible for killing her. For murdering her."

"Oh, you're responsible. You definitely pulled the trigger...but it wasn't because of what she said. It was because you had to do your job...and that included protecting us, even if you hated us."

Tim laughed at him. "Where did you get that from?"

"From what you yourself told me just now. You offered her an out...and you said that you wanted to do your job right. She refused the out and you chose to do your job."

Tim looked at Gibbs like he'd suddenly sprouted horns.

"You said it, not me, McGee."

"Even if you're right, even if that does somehow magically absolve me of her murder, you can't change how I felt. You can't...can't get rid of that thrill I got knowing that I'd taken revenge for being dismissed. You can't change the fact that I wanted to kill her. Just because circumstances might also have demanded it doesn't change anything."

"Yes, it does, McGee! It changes everything! You had to kill her to save us. You can't know whether or not you'd have pulled that trigger if our lives weren't at stake."

"I punched Tony in the nose just because..."

"Because he thought that making a joke was the best way to go and he was wrong. He deserved that."

"Why are you saying all this now?" Tim asked. "Why are you trying now? Why are you bothering to do all this? Now? Why didn't you try before? Why didn't you help me before?" The tears came into Tim's eyes and Tim stopped speaking for a few seconds in an effort to control them. "...why didn't you stop me?"

"Because...McGee, I'm so far from perfect that it's not funny. I make mistakes...and I made a huge one. I forgot who I was dealing with. I forgot about you and there's no excuse for that. There's no excuse for how it started. There's no excuse for how it ended. I'm not even asking for you to forgive me for that because I know it's a long way from being possible."

Tim wiped away the tears, his eyes red, breathing shaky.

"Then...wh-what are you trying to say?"

"I'm trying to say that I'm sorry. I'm trying to say that even though I know it's not possible, I wish I could take back what I said and did...and what I didn't say and do. I wish I had asked the question that could have saved you so much pain. ...but mostly, I'm just saying that I'm sorry. You don't have to accept it. You don't have to believe it. ...but I should have said it before. I'm sorry."

Tim looked at him for a few seconds and then walked away. He paused by the side of the house and sighed, turning his head slightly toward Gibbs...not far enough to make eye contact.

"It's a beautiful desk...one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. ...but it doesn't fit into my life. You might as well sell it. Get what you can out of it. It's not going to do me any good."

Gibbs also sighed but shook his head. "No, McGee. It's yours. It'll stay here until you want to do something with it. Whenever that may be."

"Never. That's when it will be," Tim said softly and walked out of the yard.

Gibbs took a deep breath. It wasn't what he'd hoped for, but it was better than he had expected. He started into his house.

...that was when he heard the squeal of tires and the gunshots.