Can I Get A Camel - A Yappy Obi story

13 year old Yappy Obi is at it again as he relays new dreams and nutty dreams to Qui-Gon. (SPOILERS for Obi-Wan Kenobi TV series, and all in good fun, since that series was awesome!)

Posted - June 2022

Obi: Master, can I get a camel?

Qui: No. What is a camel?

Obi: How can you say no to something if you don't know what it is?

Qui: I know you. Explain.

Obi: A camel is one of those molasses-slow riding animals on Tatooine.

Qui: Eopie.

Obi: Did you sneeze?

Qui: No. That is the name of the animal of which you speak.

Obi: Okay, sure. I think I'm gonna need one when I get there. So, may as well start the discussion now.

Qui: Get where?

Obi: To Tatooine.

Qui: And why would we go there? Tatooine is on the outer rim. We have no mission there.

Obi: It's where I spend my sad days after living my nightmare, remember?

Qui: Your nightmare being… ?

Obi: You die and leave me. I kill the horn-headed guy. I 'train the boy' because you made me promise on your deathbed. The boy goes insane. Kills us all. Turns into a Sith. I go the desert to watch over another boy. I live in a cave and sleep on rocks while smelling like a Coruscant sewer rat. And I have to work at some meat-cutting factory and the only way to get to work is to leave my camel at the park-and-ride, hitch a ride with a lot of other horribly smelling people on a commuter barge through the desert on a planet that has two boiling hot suns. Oh and I can speak Jawa.

Qui: That sounds bad.

Obi: It's very bad. So, can I get a camel?

Qui: Eopie.

Obi: Whatever. Can I get one?

Qui: No. Where would you put it? We live on a city planet.

Obi: I'd train him to enjoy city life. I'm gonna name him Sam and feed him stolen meat from the meat-cutting factory.

Qui: Uh huh.

Obi: I don't think you believe me.

Qui: I don't think I believe you either.

Obi: It's all true, Master. I have a tragic life after you die, especially since you won't talk to me from blue-ghostie land when I need you.

Qui: What?

Obi: We've had this conversation before. More than once. More than forty seven times actually. Do you not retain anything I tell you?

Qui: I try not to.

Obi: I just need a camel… eopie… whatever.

Qui: No.

Obi: Master, please? You should see what I have to deal with before I even hit fifty standard years! Ten years after the boy you made me train goes nuts and kills us all, I have to save a kidnapped smart ass little girl - you know, the one that eventually wears pastries on her head? And while I'm doing that, I get chased around the galaxy by this inquisitor woman who is way to obsessed with me, meet up with the boy you made me train, who is now a Sith Lord and on and on. Pretty sure that I also accidentally leave Sam at the park-and-ride for a really long time. I didn't even take off his saddle bags! I worry that someone might steal him. But even if he got away from the park-and-ride on this own, I'm sure I'd catch up with him eventually, I mean he's really slow, but still. That's not the point. Anyway, I need to practice now. With the camel.

Qui: No.

Obi: That's it? No explanation? No apology for dying and leaving Sith Boy in my hands? I'm not ready to be a parent! Look at me!

Qui: I am not your parent.

Obi: I didn't say that, but you are.

Qui: I am not.

Obi: You are too.

Qui: I am not.

Obi: You are too.

Qui: I am not… damn it, stop that!

Obi: Master, seriously. I have a difficult life ahead. Can't you do me this one thing?

Qui: Why will you be living in a cave? The last time you babbled about this story, you lived in a hovel or a hut or something.

Obi: So, real estate being what it is on the hottest planet in any galaxy anywhere, I couldn't afford a fancy hovel in those ten years. I was working in a meat factory, remember? I rode a camel. I smelled like a sewer rat. I talked to Jawa. The Jawa told me I smelled like a sewer rat. What do you expect?

Qui: You moved to the hovel later?

Obi: I assume so. Probably get my hands on an old speeder too. Sam wasn't in the story the last time we spoke about this.

Qui: Or you'd have pestered me for an eopie then.

Obi: True.

Qui: You are a very odd child.

Obi: I am.

—-

Obi: Master! I had another dream.

Qui: Damn.

Obi: Hmm. Don't damn me, it was a good one. You didn't desert me after all! But lemme tell you the whole thing. So, I had to face off against that stupid jerk kid again, you know the one who kills us all? He's of course a Sith now, like I said yesterday, all shady and evil in his black mask and scary black costume, snapping necks and taking names. He wanted to fight me. I asked you for help, you ignored me, as usual. I fought him and he tried to burn me over hot coals. He actually lit the ground on fire! I didn't know lightsabers could do that, I need to try that later today. But anyway, I got tossed in a bacta tank by some woman in a military getup. Then what happened… oh, then I got sad again. I am sad a lot in the future, Master. It's very, well… sad. I should just change my name to Sad Obi.

Qui: Sure, that's fine. Is this story over yet?

Obi: No. Other stuff happened, then Sith Boy came back, no wait, he chased us in an imperial cruiser, I jumped in a shuttle so he'd follow me and leave the other people alone. They were all innocent anyway.

Qui: Other people? Why did you drag innocent people into your problems?

Obi: Aren't you proud that I was willing to sacrifice myself for them? Oh and by the way I called to you AGAIN and you ignored me AGAIN. I even said, this was it, I was probably gonna die. Still, nothing but crickets.

Qui: Crickets?

Obi: Yeah, little hoppy insects that chirp.

Qui: I know what a cricket is. Just unsure why you said it.

Obi: Not the point of any of this. I was gonna die and you just blew me off from your high and mighty blue-ghostie land.

Qui: I am so confused.

Obi: You wouldn't be if you'd just talked to me, damn it.

Qui: Calm your mouth or I'll shove a sewer rat into it.

Obi: Ah, oh, ah, okay. Anyway, you didn't come, I landed on some rocky planet and waited for Sith Boy. Then we fought, he sucked me into the earth, thought I was dead, but I held off tons and tons of rocks with with the Force, pushing it away from killing me by smashing me into tiny bits and blasting me into oblivion. Proud yet?

Qui: No.

Obi: You're a hard man, Master.

Qui: You'd be too if you had to listen to you all day.

Obi: Anyway, moving on. I busted those stones and leaped back up, then I got all high and mighty myself and lifted about a million pounds of stones over my head and pummeled him with them…

Qui: A million pounds?

Obi: Eh, give or take. Then I started chopping and chopping and didn't stop until I sliced his helmet in half. Dude is ugggggly bye the way. No wonder he wears a mask. Anyway, I got sad again because this was my former apprentice and all - remember, the kid you pawned off on me?

Qui: Yes, yes, so you've said many times. Moving on.

Obi: My vision was all blurry, I cried and I left him there, screaming.

Qui: You didn't kill him?

Obi: No.

Qui: But you've told me how evil he is. You let him live again? Is this the second time? Did you not learn your lesson the first time around?

Obi: Well, I uh, was trying to be the good guy here, Master. Not stooping to his level and all. Apparently that was… wrong?

Qui: A lecture for another time. Please finish the story so I can go watch paint dry.

Obi: Okay, so I left him there and then I felt something from the desert kid, you know the one I took to the desert as a baby to watch over in my horribly depressing solitude?

Qui: Yes, yes, go on.

Obi: You seem very uninterested in my retelling of my dream as well as my misery.

Qui: I am.

Obi: Soooo, I went back to the desert to save the kid from that inquisitor lady who, as it turns out, was just as confused and alone as I was! She didn't kill the kid, she saved him and herself, so I forgave her. She cried, I cried, it was very sad. And…

Qui: The end?

Obi: No. Not quite. Then I found the little pastry girl again, she gave me a hug, made me cry, told me to get some sleep. It's was so sad. I am so sad in this dream, I can't even... Then I went back to the desert. Why I am flying back and forth across the galaxy non stop is beyond me. Talk about a waste of gas.

Qui: Gas?

Obi: I flew back across the galaxy for a tenth time, back to Tatooine and I packed up my worldly possessions and moved out of my cave.

Qui: Thank the Force.

Obi: I hopped on Sam, strapped on my goggles, and went to visit that Uncle Owen guy. He says I can talk to the kid, finally. I go over and say Hello There, give him a toy fighter and then back to Sam.

Qui: Done?

Obi: Nope, just taking a breath. Back with Sam, I've got my stylish goggles hanging on my neck for some random reason, and we wander slowly, aimlessly and hopelessly across the sand.

Qui: Please tell me that's all.

Obi: No, the good part is here. I'm wandering and and wandering and wandering and wandering… OW! Don't smack me in the head!

Qui: You were stuck on repeat.

Obi: Just making sure you understood how long I was wandering. It was a really long time. But then, just ahead these huge rock formations, there's something in front of me… like a vision or a ghost… and guess who?

Qui: I don't know, Obi-Wan. An evil bantha? A wayward Jawa? I give up.

Obi: It was YOU, Master! In all your blue-ghostie glory, finally answering my call. You mocked me about taking forever and then babbled about me not being able to see. Master, why do you always speak in riddles?

Qui: Please finish.

Obi: Oh, that's it. You tell me that we have a ways to go, you vanish and I follow where I think you might have gone. Not sure why you had to vanish so soon. I just got you back and literally you were gone like poof! No hug or anything.

Qui: You cannot hug a ghost.

Obi: I could of tried.

Qui: I'm exhausted now.

Obi: Me too and you know what? I wasn't Sad Obi anymore. I was Happy Obi or Hopeful Obi or Comforted Obi as I followed your invisible person into the distance. I think you were taking me to my new home, Master, you know the hovel I've referenced before? Apparently, you in blue-ghostie land can move a lot faster than me, so I guessed that was where we were going, house shopping. I'll have to dream again to find out. I hope there's a barn for my camel.

Qui: No camel and don't dream anymore.

Obi: I can't stop myself from dreaming.

Qui: You can if you don't sleep.

Obi: Master, that is not possible.

Qui: Not, but I am hopeful for such advances in science.

Obi: I'm done talking now. What's next?

Qui: Don't tease me.

Obi: About what?

Qui: That you have finished talking.

Obi: But I have. I think I'll sleep now.

Qui: In the middle of the day? Do you not have classes, or lightsaber practice or a Council member to annoy?

Obi: Nah. I'm good. I'll go to sleep now. Maybe I'll dream again.

Qui: Please don't. Not ever, ever, ever again.

Obi: If you hug me, I promise that even if I dream, I won't tell you about it.

Qui: Forever and ever?

Obi: No, just this one time.

Qui: That doesn't sound like a good deal for me.

Obi: It's not, but at least you can go watch your paint dry now.

Qui: That was an expression of boredom.

Obi: I know. I'm not as exciting as wet paint, I get it.

Qui: You are very exciting, Obi-Wan, perhaps much too exciting. I'm an old man who likes peace and quiet. You are the complete opposite of peace and quiet. It's a challenge. But I would not trade you for wet paint.

Obi: Awww, Master, thank you. I love you too.

Qui: Not what I said.

Obi: But it's what you meant.

Qui: Is it really?

Obi: In my mind it is. That's good enough for me.

Qui: All right, we'll go with that.

Obi: Good. Night, Master.

Qui: Again, it's the middle of the day.

Obi: Afternoon, Master. I'm gonna go…

Qui: Ah, no! Freeze! Stay away from my bed.

Obi: But yours is so much more fluffy and comfy and gigantic.

Qui: How do you know that?

Obi: Well, when you're off with Master Bren and doing things I'd rather not ever think about, I maybe ah, um… curl up in your giant bed and sleep my best sleep.

Qui: Obi-Wan, you have a bed. Use it.

Obi: I will if you stop doing adult mush stuff with Master Bren.

Qui: That is none of your business and no.

Obi: Then, when you aren't here…

Qui: Fine, I give up. Do whatever you want.

Obi: Woohoo!

Qui: When I am not here! If you cannonball into my bed, you will be eating a sewer rat for dinner.

Obi: Wow, harsh. Okay, I'm gonna sleep in my own bed, but I can't promise I won't have more weird future-me dreams.

Qui: You promised not to tell me about them.

Obi: No, I said if you hugged me I would not tell you about them tomorrow.

Qui: Damn.

Obi: One hug and you get a free day, Master. Come on!

Qui: Fine. One hug. Come here. Okay that's enough. Let go. Obi-Wan, let go!

Obi: All done. See?

Qui: Why do I have a feeling you will be reneging on your end of this very odd bargain.

Obi: Probably depends on the variety of dream I end up having.

Qui: Of course it does.

Obi: I'm so glad you came to help me, Master, after ten years in desert land. I mean it took you forever, and then you blamed it on me, but I'm glad. I missed you.

Qui: I am right here.

Obi: I know, but future-me misses you. I miss you for him. Future-me, I mean.

Qui: Can you stop talking now?

Obi: Okay. Can I have your bed?

Qui: Just go, do whatever you want. You've sapped my energy. Every last ounce of it. I'm done.

Obi: Awww, okay. I'm off to your bed now, bye Master. Have fun drooling with Master Bren. Don't do anything disgusting.

Qui: I no longer have the will to live. No wonder I leave this life and become a ghost. Ten years of quiet and freedom sounds like the most wonderful thing in the galaxy. I should probably look into how exactly I die so I can perhaps make it happen earlier and find my sanity before I blow a gasket. Hmmm. Oh, Obi-Wan!

Obi: Hey, Master? By the way, I still want a camel.

END