A/N: I cheated a little while writing this….I used a Story Generator and it became my inspiration for this chapter :p Sorry I haven't updated in a while…I will every weekend from now on at least! ENJOY!

Lorraine's little project.

It was half seven on Sunday night and I was at Lorraine's creative writing workshop presentation thingy. She'd been going for three months and hadn't let me look at her work once – so I was extremely excited to hear it. So excited I could barely taste my Sour Patch Kids (which Lorraine still doesn't know about, hahaha!) I fidgeted through the opening speech and the first few stories, and then I snapped to attention when I heard Lorraine's name being called. I leaned forward eagerly on my knees as she began to read….

It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Lorraine, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely frustrated, Lorraine slapped a potato, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few freaknasty minutes later, she realized that her beloved Michael Byrne's Virginity was missing! Immediately she called her favorite rape victim, Nikki. Lorraine had known Nikki for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Nikki was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little... clueless. Lorraine called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Nikki picked up to a very stressed Lorraine. Nikki calmly assured her that most long-haired sea monkeys yawn before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually surreptitiously belch *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Lorraine. Why was Nikki trying to distract Lorraine? Because she had snuck out from Lorraine's with Michael Byrne's Virginity only seven days prior. Little Michael Byrne's Virginity was sassy and striking... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Lorraine got back to the subject at hand: her Michael Byrne's Virginity. Nikki sneezed. Reluctantly, Nikki invited her over, assuring her they'd find Michael Byrne's Virginity. Lorraine grabbed her giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Nikki realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide Michael Byrne's Virginity and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Lorraine took the curb-jumping ghetto sled, she had at least nine minutes before Lorraine would get there. But if she took Christine Mulgrew's jumbo dildo? Then Nikki would be ridiculously screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Nikki was interrupted by two hundred abrasive llamas that were lured by Michael Byrne's Virginity. Nikki yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling displeased, she carefully reached for her live hand grenade and aptly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Christine Mulgrew's jumbo dildo rolling up. It was Lorraine.

-o0o-

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Aldi to pick up a 12-pack of potatoes, so she knew she was running late. With a apt leap, Lorraine was off the Christine Mulgrew's jumbo dildo and went wildly jaunting toward Nikki's front door. Meanwhile inside, Nikki was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed Michael Byrne's Virginity into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her rhinoceros. Nikki was relieved but at least the Michael Byrne's Virginity was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Nikki sassily purred. With a apt push, Lorraine opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid rationality-deprived retard in a homemade car,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Nikki assured her. Lorraine took a seat hilariously close to where Nikki had hidden Michael Byrne's Virginity. Nikki shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Lorraine was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Nikki noticed a abrasive look on Lorraine's face. Lorraine slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Nikki felt a stabbing pain in her arsehole when Lorraine asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Michael Byrne's Virginity right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Lorraine's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Lorraine nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Nikki could react, Lorraine thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. Michael Byrne's Virginity was plainly in view.

Lorraine stared at Nikki for what what must've been seven minutes. Before anyone could whip off their pants, Nikki groped exotically in Lorraine's direction, clearly desperate. Lorraine grabbed Michael Byrne's Virginity and bolted for the door. It was locked. Nikki let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Lorraine,' she rebuked. Nikki always had been a little abrasive, so Lorraine knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Nikki did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at her or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, she gripped her Michael Byrne's Virginity tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Nikki looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Lorraine. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Lorraine. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Nikki walked over to the window and looked down. Lorraine was gone.

-o0o-

Just yonder, Lorraine was struggling to make her way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Nikki's place. Lorraine had severely hurt her armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral llamas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Michael Byrne's Virginity. One by one they latched on to Lorraine. Already weakened from her injury, Lorraine yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of llamas running off with her Michael Byrne's Virginity.

But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Lorraine's Michael Byrne's Virginity. Feeling concerned, God smote the llamas for their injustice. Then He got in His amphibious vehicle and sputtered away with the fortitude of 153 albino cats running from a bloated pack of South American hissing sloths. Lorraine shimmied with joy when she saw this. Her Michael Byrne's Virginity was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes her favorite TV show, The Hoobs, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet ebola'). Lorraine was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Nikki and a few rusty razor blade-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

What the actual fuck is wrong with my girlfriend.