Chapter 31

When he awoke the next morning, Ducky felt more pain but he also felt more alert...which was good because he hated the floaty feeling that accompanied the stronger analgesics. A little pain never hurt anybody and he wanted his mind operating at peak capacity as soon as possible. There was just too much going on for him to spend it in a drugged stupor.

Foremost on his mind, of course, was Tim. It wasn't that he had no faith in Gibbs and the others to protect Tim physically...but they just could not truly understand Tim's emotional state. There were times Ducky himself had wanted to give up, but then there were days that had seen Tim almost his old self. Then, even in the worst moments, there were slivers of sunlight. Like yesterday when Tim had almost admitted that there was potential for rebuilding.

Almost. Always that almost. Ducky didn't know what it would take for Tim to move beyond the almost and get to the point where he could actually accept what was there for the taking...and there was so much for the taking. Ducky wanted Tim to find a way back to NCIS, but regardless of whether or not that was possible, he just wanted Tim to take back his life.

Ducky sighed and looked around the hospital room. He knew he was in no shape to leave the hospital yet...and likely wouldn't be for a few more days at least. It was frustrating. Tim needed someone who understood him. He needed someone he trusted...someone to give him that extra push now that he was so close.

...and then there were the circumstances of Ducky's injury. That worried him more than anything else. He knew that Tim would blame himself. The danger was in the isolation he had from the people who normally kept him from falling too far into the self-blame. If he fell too deeply, there could be a repeat of other events...days that no one else knew about...except Dr. Lewis. Thankfully, those black days had not been repeated...so far.

Jethro can handle this. He is capable. ...if he's willing to try.

Would he? Would he really try? And would he take the time to see what Tim's real problem was? ...as opposed to the problem he put out front for people to see?

Ducky couldn't answer those questions. He could only try and heal as quickly as possible...and hope for the best.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs was surprised by how worried Dr. Lewis sounded on the phone and how quickly he agreed to come to NCIS to speak with Tim. Gibbs hadn't even given him many details and yet he seemed to know, even better than Gibbs himself did, what was wrong with Tim...and that was apparently bad enough for him to drop everything in his schedule and make the trek to NCIS.

As he waited for Dr. Lewis to arrive, he mulled over what could have possibly led to this seemingly-extreme reaction. It wasn't that Gibbs himself wasn't worried. He was. Tim would have gone through with his plan had Gibbs not awakened to see him leave...but he'd got Tim to promise to stay in the building and he would keep his promise. Gibbs was sure of that.

So...why?

Tony and Ziva were down with Abby, ostensibly looking through what Tim had found. He figured that they were probably talking about how different Tim was right now and what they should do about it. Gibbs had given them an abbreviated explanation of what had happened and told them to let Tim be by himself for a while.

...and Gibbs was sitting impatiently at his desk waiting to be able to question one of the people Tim seemed to trust.

It was barely eight in the morning when Henry called up to say that Dr. Lewis had arrived. Gibbs instantly leapt to his feet and headed down to the main entrance. The psychiatrist was standing by Henry, looking worried...which worried Gibbs because shrinks were supposed to be fairly unflappable.

"Dr. Lewis."

"Agent Gibbs. Thank you for calling me."

"This way."

"Of course."

They got on the elevator and Gibbs let it rise for a few seconds before stopping it. Dr. Lewis looked at Gibbs strangely.

"Uh...Agent Gibbs?"

"This is my office," Gibbs said.

"Interesting. What is it?"

"What's going on with McGee?"

"Therapy, of course. What else?"

"That's what I'm asking you. Look, I may not have a degree, but I can tell when there's something going on. If this was just therapy, you wouldn't have dropped everything to come here before nine a.m. What's going on?"

Dr. Lewis let out a long-suffering sigh.

"Agent Gibbs, surely you are familiar with patient confidentiality. I can't tell you what goes on in our sessions unless Tim allows me to do so...and be honest. Do you really think that Tim would allow me to tell you?"

Gibbs sighed. "No. He wouldn't. ...but there's something more than that, isn't there."

"Yes, Agent Gibbs. There is a reason why I was willing to rearrange my entire day to come here and talk to Tim. A very good reason, but I can't tell you what that reason is. Tim can...but has obviously chosen not to." He hesitated. "...and...Dr. Mallard can tell you...but again, he's obviously chosen not to do so. I am the one person who could never tell you what you want to know. All I can do is say that you're right. There's something more. A lot more, and it has everything to do with the therapy I've been giving him for the last eighteen months...even if it was a later development."

"And you won't tell me any more than that?"

"I can't tell you any more than that, Agent Gibbs. I have an obligation to keep my clients' sessions private. Tim trusts me, and I'm not going to violate that trust."

Gibbs knew Dr. Lewis was right. It didn't stop him from being annoyed. He turned back to the controls and started the elevator up again. He didn't say anything as they walked to the conference room.

He knocked on the door.

"Come in," Tim's weary voice answered.

Dr. Lewis reached out for the doorknob and Gibbs stopped him for a moment.

"How long will you be?"

"Probably a while. Our sessions generally last about 45 minutes, but this will take longer."

"Okay."

The door creaked open and Tim looked out at them. Gibbs was surprised at the look of relief that suffused Tim's face when he saw Dr. Lewis.

"Good morning, Tim."

"Good morning, Dr. Lewis. Thanks for coming."

"Of course." Dr. Lewis looked at Gibbs and nodded. "Agent Gibbs."

Gibbs nodded and stood back. He watched the door close and then looked at his watch. He couldn't let this stand. He had to know what was going on.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Dr. Lewis sat down across from Tim. He looked at the typewriter.

"Have you used it?"

Tim shook his head.

"Not since..."

Tim shook his head again.

"Agent Gibbs told me what happened this morning."

"I figured he would."

"Tim, you know this isn't how to deal with it."

Tim started tracing designs on the table.

"Ducky was shot."

"I know."

"He could have died."

"I know."

Suddenly, Tim exploded. "And it's not fair!" He nearly screamed the last word and surged to his feet, kicking his chair away. "It's not fair!"

Dr. Lewis didn't speak. He had hoped that they wouldn't have to deal with this again, but all these problems, all coming in on him at once. Tim had been doing a pretty good job of it. ...but Ducky... Dr. Lewis knew that there was no way to keep Tim from this swirling tide of self-loathing. It was more a matter of helping him get through it and see that his blaming himself wasn't right.

It was an uphill battle, but one he hoped could eventually be won.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ducky settled back after his examination. His doctors were cautiously pleased with his current progress. Because of his age, they wanted to keep him in the hospital longer than would be usual, but while he might lose some of his mobility, they figured he'd be able to heal, given time.

There was a knock and then the door opened...revealing Gibbs.

"Jethro. What are you doing here?"

"What's with McGee?"

"Timothy? In what respect?"

"In the respect that he decided that the best way to deal with his situation was to try and sneak out of NCIS to let Collier kill him. In the respect that I called Dr. Lewis and he was so worried that he instantly came over to NCIS to talk with him. In the respect that there's something that happened to McGee that you never told any of us. In that respect."

Ducky sighed. He didn't feel he had the energy for this. Not now, but Gibbs had that look in his eye. He wasn't going to back down.

"I told you that Timothy is not fine, Jethro. Did you think that was a past tense reference?"

"No, but this is different."

"Yes. It is."

Gibbs sat down beside the bed.

"Look...Duck, I know that you don't like this, that you don't think any of us care, that you're probably tired. ...but I can't help McGee if I don't know what's going on in his head."

"Have you tried asking him?"

"Yeah. All I could do was get him to admit that he didn't want to die. It was just that it was the best solution."

Ducky blinked in surprise. "Really? You were able to get Timothy to say that? To actually say the words? Not just a nod?"

"Yeah...why?"

"Because he's never said it before."

"Before what, Ducky?"

"No one else knows about this, Jethro. Not Abigail, not his friend Matt...not even his family. I only know because...because Timothy called me in that...that...dark hour. Dr. Lewis knows because I called him."

"Have you ever known me to talk too much, Ducky?"

Ducky was forced to laugh a little.

"No. That I will say for you. You can keep a secret."

"Tell me, Ducky."

"Very well. It was just after Timothy had his first job interview. I didn't know it, but he had a meeting with one of the prosecutors and they grilled him on his relationship with Julia Westin. Details that...that I'm sure he's not told anyone except perhaps Dr. Lewis. No, he has not even told me. I guess he gave them all they wanted...and then he decided he needed to know more about her, about who she had been before he had met her."

"Why?"

"Jethro, you know what Jewel is to him now. Yes, I call her Jewel...because the woman he sees in all his nightmares is no longer the real woman he knew, the woman he killed. She is the personification of the worst parts of him, those things he finds so abhorrent that he can't even bring himself to speak of them except under duress. She consumes far too much of him, but it's the way it is, unfortunately. None of us have been able to exorcise her from his mind."

"Okay...so what happened?"

"I must confess that I don't know all the details. All I know is that at three in the morning, Timothy called me. He was hysterical. He was practically screaming into the phone about how he'd killed her and he was a murderer and he had no worth at all and why was he even bothering trying. It was..." Ducky stopped, physically shuddering at the memory. "...if I never have to hear something like that again in my life, it will be too soon. Jethro, Timothy was spiraling out of control. It had been days since he'd managed to sleep. I had thought he was doing better. I dropped the ball. I wasn't there for him and the result of it was that phone call. I could hear his neighbors pounding on the walls, pounding on the door. Jethro was howling. ...and Timothy was...was in the center of it all. I didn't know what to do."

Ducky stopped again and closed his eyes. He felt Gibbs put a hand on his uninjured shoulder.

"I called 911, told them that Timothy was suffering from some sort of suicidal episode. Then, I called Dr. Lewis and told him. The result was that Timothy was put on suicide watch for two days. Then, he went back to the psychiatric hospital for another two weeks."

"How did you keep that from everyone?"

"It was luck. Sheer luck. Good or bad, I don't know. Timothy had recently called his family...and lied about how he was doing. Matt and Judith had been preoccupied with their son. Abigail...she goes through periods where she finds it difficult to be with Tim as he is. I don't blame her. Neither does Timothy. She happened to be in one of those times. Jethro...I thought he was lost. I thought I would get a call and find that Timothy had..."

"But he didn't even try?"

"No. He didn't. He confessed that the dreams had started bothering him so much that he'd stopped sleeping again. He knows they're not real. He knows that Jewel is dead...but he fears those dreams. He fears that part of himself and sometimes he can't bear to see it. That, combined with whatever he found out about Julia Westin, combined with having to recount what he'd done with her and to her...and his first job rejection, with the attendant despicable reaction on the part of the interviewer. It became too much for him to bear."

Ducky took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Gibbs sat back in the chair, looking shocked.

"Do you know what the first thing he said to me when I came to see him was?"

"What?"

"He said that he was sorry for bothering me. He also begged me not to tell anyone what had happened. Dr. Lewis said that if he wished to keep it a secret, he could. Since that night, I don't believe he's been really happy. He has up days, but that's when he stopped using his typewriter. That's when he started sabotaging himself at his interviews. Dr. Lewis has tried to help him see that he doesn't need to punish himself, but Timothy has been determined. This is also why he's so afraid of his emotions...or at least part of the reason."

"Duck...why didn't you even...suggest that there might be more to it than just him being mad at us?"

"Because, Jethro, I wasn't certain whether or not it would be a good idea for you to know. I'm not the expert here. I'm grasping in the dark, trying to figure out how best to help Timothy heal...and, Jethro...I'm failing." Ducky blinked back tears. "I'm not helping him heal. Nothing I have done has got him past this. Instead...here I am in the hospital, apparently the impetus for his falling back again. I don't know what to do for him, Jethro. I really don't. I don't know how to get him to take that leap he needs to take. He thinks of himself as permanently destroyed. No chance of ever getting back to normal. I'm afraid that he's right!"

Gibbs said nothing, but the surprise at Ducky's confession was clear as day.

"I don't know what to do...and I've come to care for him almost as I would a son. If he's lost, it will tear my heart right out of my body."

There was about a minute of silence and then Gibbs leaned forward, a new look of determination on his face.

"He won't be lost, Ducky. Not this time."

Then, he got up and left the room. Ducky watched him go and sagged back against the mattress. He could only hope that it was true. At this point, his hopes were meager indeed.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Are you feeling any better?" Dr. Lewis asked.

Tim shrugged. "Calmer now."

"That's not better."

"No...but it's safer."

"I'm going to come back here tonight and we're going to talk again. Okay?"

Tim nodded.

"Good. Now, I don't want you staying in here alone all day. Understand?"

"Visitors aren't allowed to wander around the building without an escort," Tim mumbled.

Dr. Lewis smiled. "Be that as it may, don't isolate yourself. That's not what you need right now...even if it means being in the company of people who still give you trouble. All right?"

"Okay."

"I'll see you tonight."

"Okay."

Dr. Lewis stood up and walked to the door. He was unsurprised to see Gibbs standing just outside it, ready to conduct him back downstairs.

"I'll be coming back tonight, Agent Gibbs. I hope that's all right?"

"Of course."

"Good."

As they got on the elevator, Dr. Lewis wondered if he'd be invited into the "office" again. He actually smiled when Gibbs stopped the elevator.

"I talked to Ducky."

"I'm not surprised."

"I was."

"I'm sure. Those kinds of things are never pleasant find out about."

"Is there any hope for him?"

"Has he been sleeping?"

"Not enough," Gibbs said grudgingly.

"He needs to sleep. I'm going to bring some sleeping pills tonight. I don't like to use them, but Tim's in a state where he needs the sleep more than he needs to sleep naturally."

"Can he get out of this?"

"It's always possible. The fact that he's associating with you all is a good sign, awkward as the interactions may be. He didn't drop as far as he did before. There's always hope."

Gibbs turned the elevator back on. It rumbled to life and descended. When the doors opened, he headed toward the doors and then stopped and turned back.

"By the way, Agent Gibbs?"

"Yeah?"

"I told Tim that he needs to get out of that room today. Make sure he does it."

"I will."

"Thank you."

As he walked out of the building, Dr. Lewis took a deep breath and let it out. Tim was heartbreaking to see in this state, but perhaps he could climb back out now. ...at least he could make a start.

Maybe.