Chapter 32

Gibbs stood outside the conference room door for a few minutes, trying to decide what was best to do. It was strange. Up until having spoken to Ducky, he had been working on the assumption that Tim was simply still holding onto his anger, that he just needed to be shown that the others were genuinely sorry, that they wouldn't try to do anything to him but that they were trying to help him. He had thought that this would be enough.

He had never even considered the possibility that Tim's problems were more deeply-rooted than what the team had done. The more fool he. This wasn't something simple. It wasn't even merely complicated. It was so complex and painful that he genuinely wondered if Tim did have a chance. Gibbs no longer cared about getting forgiveness. He didn't care about Tim coming back to NCIS. All he wanted was to get rid of that black part of Tim's soul. It wasn't just black. It had been charred and blasted. Was there anything still alive to banish that part? Perhaps. Maybe.

...but Gibbs now saw the problem. Tim had to be the one to take the step...but Tim couldn't take the step without someone helping him. And how could they get him to let go of Jewel? What would it take to get her out of his head? ...or at least to get her into the realm of regret rather than abhorrence and fear?

He didn't know. That no one else seemed to know either actually frightened him.

"Gibbs?"

Gibbs looked over, surprised at the voice. Jamie was standing quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I waited for you to see me, but you must have been thinking pretty hard," she said with a smile.

"What is it?"

"FBI didn't find anything on the rooftop besides the place where he was standing. No fingerprints, no casings. He was fast and thorough. Collier's no beginner."

"What about at the house?"

"No sign of any other bodies. That means there's at least one person unaccounted for. Whoever was with Donovan...got out of the house, either with Collier or in spite of him."

"Any idea who he is?"

"Probably someone who was supposed to clean up the mess...and failed as badly as Collier did. How's Ducky?"

"He's gonna make it. It's going to take some time..."

"I figured." Jamie inhaled deeply. "Gibbs..."

"Yeah?"

"I think...you and I need to talk."

"About what?"

"My job...and why I have it."

"I picked you. Nothing to talk about."

"No, there is."

Gibbs finally focused on Jamie. She was serious.

"My office," he said.

She nodded and led the way. They got on and Gibbs stopped it.

"What?" he asked.

"Did you ever ask Director Vance how he compiled the list of agents you chose from?"

"No."

"He probably wouldn't have told you anyway, but I think you need to know."

"Know what?"

Jamie took a deep breath. "I was on that list for the same reason everyone else was. We're good at our jobs, but we had to be willing to..."

"What?" Gibbs asked, now confused.

"...to step aside should McGee ever decide to come back."

"What?"

"Director Vance talked to me. I'm sure he did the same with the others. He told me that I was a placeholder, that he hoped it wouldn't be a permanent assignment. I didn't mind. I figured working under you would be hard enough that I probably wouldn't want to stay forever."

"But?"

"But you're not the same as rumors have portrayed you."

"That's a good thing?"

She smiled. "Yes. It is. You're a lot...more aware...more...human than I expected you to be. What I'm trying to say, here, Gibbs, is that I'm here to save McGee's space. That's always why I've been here...and I'm more than happy to stay for as long as I'm allowed. ...but if McGee does want to come back...I'll step aside. No hard feelings."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because it needed to be said. I'm not really a part of the team. ...oh, I am by default. I know that Tony and Ziva would have some issues with me leaving if I did...but not if it was to have McGee back. They just don't want to be left again. I just want you to know that, no matter how this plays out, I've been happy to be on your team, and I've learned a lot. That's all."

"You planning on leaving?"

She laughed. "I've been planning on leaving since day one. It just hasn't happened yet."

Gibbs smiled a little himself.

"With everything that's happened the last couple of weeks, I didn't want you to suddenly remember I exist and feel bad about it. Maybe you wouldn't have, but I wanted to nip it in the bud before it became a problem. You guys are dealing with enough right now to have any regret about me fouling things up."

Gibbs turned on the elevator.

"Thanks," he said.

"You're welcome." The doors opened. "Anyway, Fornell asked me to update you on everything so you didn't accuse him of holding out." Her voice was back to its usual business-like tone. "There are a few things they still want to check out at the house and Fornell said that they'd take charge of Ducky's part if you didn't mind...analyzing the bullet and everything."

Gibbs nodded. "Okay. Tell him that we've got some new intel on our drug dealers...possibly linking them directly to Collier. If he wants to talk about it, he can bug me tomorrow."

"Really?"

"Which part?"

"All of it...you letting him take on Ducky getting shot, the link to Collier...you being willing to brief Fornell."

"Yes, really. To all of it." Gibbs paused. "Jamie?"

She had headed for her desk but she stopped and turned back. "Yeah?"

"What do you think of McGee?"

Jamie cocked her head to the side and thought about it. "I think...that I wish I had known him before all this happened. When I looked in his eyes at Soft-Tech, I thought he was hurt, afraid...but too prideful to let the people around him see any sign of weakness. He was always on his guard. I think the only time I really saw him was the first time he saw Tony. ...and he looked...really young. I can't describe it any better than that."

Gibbs nodded and got back on the elevator. He debated for a moment about where to go, but then decided to follow Dr. Lewis' instruction and get Tim out of the conference room...but where to take him? Not outside. Too much risk. Maybe he could ask Tim where he'd like to go. That was a possibility. As he walked toward the door, he paused and looked down at Jamie as she sat at the desk he still thought of as belonging to Tim. That Vance has taken those pains from the beginning didn't exactly surprise him, but it did surprise him that Jamie was still thinking about an injunction that seemed less likely than ever to require fulfillment.

He knocked on the door.

"Come in."

He walked in. Tim was standing at the window, looking out on the Yard.

"Hey, McGee."

"Hi."

"Where would you like to go?"

"Dr. Lewis told you?"

Gibbs smiled.

"Yeah."

"Is Jimmy in?"

"I don't know. Let's go see."

Another small pang. Tim would rather hang out with Jimmy than anyone else in the building.

Tim turned around and Gibbs could see that he'd recently been crying.

"Okay," he said.

Gibbs just jerked his head toward the door and led the way. Tim followed without speaking.

They rode down to Autopsy and Gibbs let Tim walk in. Jimmy had clearly only just arrived himself. He looked up and smiled when he saw Tim, but was obviously out of sorts.

"Hey, Tim."

"Hi, Jimmy. Can I hang out here for a while?"

"Of course! I just came from talking to Ducky. He's given me a whole list of things that I have to do exactly right while he's gone. ...and he told me to call Dr. Hampton. I haven't done that yet."

Gibbs looked at Tim. "If you need to go somewhere else, make sure Palmer takes you or call for one of us. ...and no leaving the building, McGee."

"I told you I wouldn't," Tim said.

Gibbs didn't think Tim had forgotten, but he wanted to make sure that Jimmy knew without making it clear that he was really telling Jimmy.

"We'll be fine, Agent Gibbs," Jimmy said earnestly.

Gibbs nodded and left them to their own devices, not without a bit of unexpressed anxiety.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

As soon as the doors closed, Jimmy looked at Tim in concern.

"What's going on, Tim?" he asked. "I haven't seen Agent Gibbs so worried in ages."

Tim smiled a little. "The same as usual. He's just more aware of it now."

"Man, Tim...this really sucks, doesn't it."

"Yeah, it does."

"Dr. Mallard's really worried about you. Agent Gibbs is worried about you. What's going on? Really. Because this doesn't seem like the same as usual."

Tim shrugged. "I was going to leave...and Gibbs decided it would be a bad idea."

"It would be. Why would you leave when you know that someone's trying to kill you?"

"Make things easier, wouldn't it?"

"How?"

"One bullet through my brain and I'm no longer a problem for anyone."

"Maybe...but it's still a bad idea," Jimmy said. "Can you imagine how Dr. Mallard would feel if he found out that you'd been killed?"

"Relieved?" Tim mumbled, staring at one of the autopsy tables.

"Tim...if I ever wanted to smack you upside the head..." Jimmy said impatiently.

Tim looked up.

"Can't you see how much Dr. Mallard cares about you? I don't even care what kind of an argument you could make that it would be easier. Sure, it would be easier. It'd be easier if we were all dead! You can't have any problems if you aren't alive!" Jimmy paused. "...well, unless there actually is a heaven and a hell because then...well, you'd have problems with...anyway..." He shook his head irritably at the near-tangent. "...life isn't about things being easier! It's about things being worthwhile! ...and life is worthwhile! Why do you think we have punishments like the death penalty and life without parole? Why do you think convicts will plead out to avoid the death penalty even if it means spending the rest of their lives behind bars? Because we know that the worst thing you can take from another person is life!"

"You're right," Tim said. "So...what gives me the right to take other lives? What's the magic answer for that?"

Jimmy's irritation faded as quickly as it had come.

"There is no magic answer. We both know that...but you're making it a lot harder than it has to be. I just can't figure out why."

Tim smiled a little.

"You know why you are."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because it's what I deserve."

Jimmy looked at him for a long time with an expression that was almost Ducky-like. Maybe he'd been around Ducky too much or for too long.

"...okay...so you deserve it. Do the rest of us?" he asked. "Does Dr. Mallard deserve to worry himself sick about you because you deserve to be miserable? Do the prosecutors deserve to deal with you almost being killed because you deserve to die? Does everyone at NCIS deserve to need this fight because you feel like you can't anymore?"

Tim was quiet for a few moments. Then, he sighed.

"Did all those men deserve to die from the drugs because I decided it was more important to finish the operation? Did Julia Westin deserve to die because I decided that it was necessary? Did Lance Corporal Smythe deserve to die because I wanted a job? Where are the limits, Jimmy?" Tim asked...and his plaintive voice told Jimmy this was a genuine question. "How do I determine what course of action is better? How do I decide what is better? And what right do I have to decide? The choices I've made in the past have led to a lot of people dying. Every time I think I might be able to fight back...something worse happens!" There was an edge of hysteria again. "How much worse can things get before people I actually care about die? Ducky could have been killed yesterday! ...and only a few seconds before, I'd been saying that maybe I should try again." Tim stood up and turned away from Jimmy...who strongly suspected that Tim was trying not to cry. "The universe keeps telling me that it's no use. The only reason I keep trying at all is..."

Tim took a shuddering breath and still didn't turn around. Jimmy stared at Tim's hunched shoulders.

"Why? Why do you keep trying?"

"B-Because..." Tim sniffed. "...because Ducky keeps telling me...that the universe is wrong. ...but if he dies...there's no one who can keep fighting the universe anymore. I don't have...I can't... I'm too weak to resist what I keep getting told."

"What does the universe sound like, Tim? I've wondered before."

"To me...it sounds like Jewel."

"And what does she say?"

"That I'm worthless. That I'm weak. That I'm stupid. That everything I've done has been a failure. That no one in their right mind would want me around. That the only thing I'm good at is...is getting people killed."

Jimmy nodded although Tim couldn't see him. His back was still turned and he was shaking a little. He tried to think of what Ducky would say...Ducky who seemed to have the power to jolt Tim out of these horrid thoughts, to get him taking tentative and stumbling steps on the path back to humanity.

"That's...That's not the universe talking, Tim."

Silence.

"It's you...or a part of you."

"Yeah?" Tim asked. "Which part?"

"The same part of you that turned you so angry before. That part of you that wants it all to be over so you can stop fighting. The part of you that tries to give up when you don't really want to. It's not the universe because...I don't think the universe would ever want to call a part of itself worthless."

"Then, why do I?"

"I don't know...I'm not smart enough. Maybe because you're not as big and old as the universe?"

Tim laughed...while crying.

"How do I fight myself, Jimmy? I don't know how to do it...and Ducky can't...can't tell me."

"I don't know how, either. Maybe by doing what that part of you doesn't want you to do?"

Tim finally turned around.

"Like what?"

"Uh...well...like...using your typewriter?"

"I can't do that."

"Why not?" Jimmy challenged. "It's yours."

"It wouldn't...be...right."

"What part of you is saying that?" Jimmy asked.

Tim looked so conflicted, almost distraught, as he struggled to speak. Jimmy could see that, for whatever reason, Tim wasn't ready for that yet. He needed more time. Maybe this was why Ducky was so worried. Tim really couldn't deal with it all at this point. He needed something to bring him to life again and he just hadn't found it yet.

Quickly, he walked over and looked Tim in the eye.

"It's okay, Tim. Really. ...but I'm right and you aren't hearing the universe. The universe doesn't give up on parts of itself. It can't...because there's nothing outside it, right?"

"That's...one of the...the theories, yeah."

"Hey, I've got some things to do in here right now, but I'm going to visit Dr. Mallard on my lunch break. I figure you can't come, but I can take him a message if you want."

Tim looked down and then looked back at Jimmy, his expression earnest.

"Tell him..." Tim stopped and looked around Autopsy. "Tell him that...he...shouldn't worry about me. It's not his job. He just needs to...get better." He opened his mouth as if to say more but then just nodded and walked back into Ducky's office. He sat down, pillowed his head in his hands and closed his eyes.

Jimmy watched him, wondering if he'd done any good or if it was worse...or if it had done anything at all, good or bad. He wished that he was as smart as Ducky was and could know exactly what to say to help. ...but he wasn't. He was just trying and hoping it had a positive result.