Fear of Reaching Out

The nightmares continued for another three weeks. They fluctuated at first between old and new. Sometimes they were the tolerable old nightmares and other times they were the new ones, where Tony was dead or not there. These nightmares were unbearable and always ended in Ziva waking up and sending a text message to Tony at all hours of the night and sometimes into the morning.

Tony always answered her text messages, no matter what time of the day or night she sent them, no matter what he was doing, not that he did much lately. He was almost always at home, not doing anything. Ziva had caught him out with McGee one night, but he answered her and didn't tell McGee who he was smiling gat in his phone, because it would have given away something obvious to the others, which he just wasn't ready to share with a coworker.

Ziva was thankful for this. But, her intolerable, unbearable nightmares of the disappearance of Tony began to get worse. She wanted to ask him for help. She wanted to reach out to him and ask him to come over and talk. She really did want to. But, every time she got locked in a text-messaged conversation over a nightmare, she felt comforted enough to relax, just never to sleep.

Ziva was beginning to feel taxed. She was over-tired, over-exhausted, and not sleeping at all. It was showing on her young face. There were dark circles under her eyes that clung their like bruises and her face was off-color, slightly pale everyday, no matter how much sleep she managed to get, because it was never what she needed and she was never fully rested.

There were nights where Ziva would try to go back to sleep after a nightmare and usually ended up having another. It was recently that she had kept Tony awake most of the night with two different text messages. She apologized to him the next day at the end of their workday, because she could see the exhaustion building up behind his eyes too. Neither of them were getting the sleep that they needed and she knew it. She often thought back to that conversation.

She caught up with Tony in the elevator on their way out of work. She stared at the dark circles under his eyes that lingered longer today than any other day. She had ended up having two text-messaged conversations with him the night before and realized that he hadn't gotten anymore sleep than she had.

"Tony, I am sorry. I did not mean to keep you awake," she said as she glanced at the emergency-stop switch, knowing that this might turn into a longer conversation.

It was Tony who hit the stop switch and turned to Ziva as they stood there.

"I promised, Zi," he said quietly. "I promised I would answer a text message or phone call. I want to keep that promise. Don't be sorry for talking to me about any of this. Don't be sorry if we're both awake. I would rather hear from you than not if I'm the one you want to send a message to. I want to help in anyway I can. Always know that I'm here for you, Zi. Always. No matter what. I promise."

Ziva hugged Tony. She pulled him close to her and held him tightly. She needed his words of comfort and hadn't even realized how much she needed his words of comfort. But, she was concerned.

"Will Gibbs not get angry if we are both exhausted all of the time?" she asked, pulling away from the hug.

Tony shrugged. "It doesn't matter," he said quietly. "I want to help and I think he would see that as a good thing, all things considered. He's got to know that you can't just be instantly fine after whatever you went through over there."

Ziva nodded, knowing that Tony was avoiding thinking about it.

"If you ever want to talk about the nightmares, just let me know. Or just talk. You know I'll listen," he said quietly, a darkness crossing his expression, already knowing that he didn't want to hear about some of them. Ziva was relieved that she had option.

"Thank you, Tony. Again, thank you," she said quietly and turned the elevator back on to finish their journey down to their cars.

Ziva sat on her bed, thinking about all this. She knew that she was keeping Tony awake. She had just finished another text-messaged conversation with Tony and she was feeling safe. But, she knew she had to think. She really wanted to ask him to help her. She wanted to ask him to come over and make her feel safe. She remembered how well she slept in Paris in his arms. But, what would that start? What would that set into motion?

Ziva was afraid of asking for help. Ziva was afraid to start something that she might not be ready for. Ziva was just afraid of him seeing her feeling that vulnerable. She was afraid to ask the question and see if he was willing to come over, though she already knew the answer. She knew that he would come, no matter what; always; just like he had promised.

But, Ziva was terrified of it. Sure, she wanted to talk and she wanted to talk to him. She almost wanted to open up and share it with him. She almost felt ready to open up, but she was still afraid, telling her that she wasn't ready. She tried to shake it off.

A/N – This chapter is more of an explanation than an event, I know. But, I thought it was important. I did include a memory of a conversation on purpose and in that conversation I am really proud of the grown-up Tony for speaking his mind to Ziva while she was feeling vulnerable and guilty about keeping him awake at night. And poor Ziva is stuck in her old fears of being vulnerable in front of him and yet at the same time, we see her making some progress, by actually addressing that fear internally. That's a step in the right direction!

I want to send a special thank-you out to my regular reviewers, but especially zoey357. Normally, I reply to my reviews through a private message, but I can't because you're messaging feature is disabled. So, thank you for your reviews. They are read and appreciated! Reviews keep me motivated with the story and make me know what you're liking and disliking. This story has had an excellent response so far and I am loving it as much as I am loving writing this story! So, thank you to everyone whose reviewed! Keep it coming!