Fear of Trust

Ziva played with the idea of asking Tony for help for another three weeks as the nightmares continued. It was almost a pattern. There was a "normal" nightmare for every three to five "abnormal" nightmares, as she considered it. The pattern did break occasionally, but that was pretty much how it went. She realized that her logic was backwards though.

To Ziva, the normal nightmares were the ones she still expected to be having, the ones that she could handle on her own, without talking to someone and without having to keep someone else awake at night. These were the nightmares that didn't involve other people, only what was done to her and the ones that were based on truths and not fears. Those were tolerable. She could handle those, because she was already coming to terms with most of it. Sometimes, she didn't even wake from those nightmares and could push them away. Other times, when she did wake from those nightmares, she could just roll over and go back to sleep and have more pleasant dreams. She liked those nights. She usually slept more than the other nights.

The abnormal nightmares were the nightmares that were newer to her and more frequent. They were the ones that she didn't know what to do with and still didn't expect to see. They were the ones based on her internal fear, which she realized, subconsciously, what that fear was, though she wouldn't admit it to herself in a conscious thought. These were the nightmares of Tony being dead or never coming at all and not knowing his fate.

So, yes, naturally, Ziva was playing with the idea of having Tony's presence to comfort her from these nightmares. She was curious to know if his presence when she woke up would affect the way she reacted at all. She knew that it had affected her other nightmares greatly and she assumed that it would make these nightmares virtually worthless, if she woke up seeing that he was there in her bed with her and perfectly fine.

However, Ziva had decided against involving him. Why? She asked herself why constantly, nearly every night. She was constantly questioning her own decision, because she was pretty sure she was making the wrong decision. But, her instincts were something that she still wasn't sure she trusted.

Ziva's instincts had led her to a second of hesitation when she was in Somalia. In that one second, where she hesitated standing at Saleem's back, knowing that it was wrong and cowardly to shoot someone in the back, were when she was captured and taken prisoner. Her instincts had failed her in the worst way. In a way, she blamed her instincts for her capture. She didn't trust them. So she was fighting against them now, because she was afraid that her instincts would fail her again.

But, there was more to it than that. What if she called Tony and asked him to come over? What would Tony read out of that? Did she want him to read anything from it? Not yet, she constantly told herself. She wasn't ready. She knew she wasn't ready.

It was one thing for Tony to respect that for one night in Paris when they were on a work assignment, but would he respect that decision or be that patient with it if she needed him more frequently? Would he grow to have expectations? What would happen between them and would she be really ready for it?

She was terrified of giving Tony that last bit of trust. She was terrified that he would not have any right to have that trust. She was terrified that Tony would end up pushing if she called him before she was nearly certain she was ready for more. She was terrified of Tony getting frustrated and walking away if she wasn't ready for more within a reasonable amount of time after that first call.

When Ziva thought about it logically, or paid any attention to her instincts, which she didn't trust, she knew that Tony wouldn't do these things. But, she had fears, because of her past. All throughout her life, men were impatient and took what the wanted when they wanted or they left without another word. Her experiences were not helping her now and she was fighting those instincts that had failed her one time.

That was why Ziva continued the routine she had started six weeks ago, when her nightmares had changed. She chose the safer option of just sending Tony a text message when she awoke from a nightmare, to make sure he was okay. Hearing from him through a text message was almost always enough to calm her down.

There were times, though, where Ziva didn't calm down until sometime during the conversation, when she remembered that her instincts couldn't be trusted. She would question whether it was Tony text messaging her and those always ended up being longer midnight conversations, because she would talk to him until she got some sign that it was really Tony; whether it was a movie reference, a joke, or a reference to something that she knew had happened at some point and something they both knew about.

Tony never questioned her on what she was dreaming about. He assumed that she was having nightmares about him being in danger. He assumed that she was afraid of really reaching out and fully giving him that trust. So, Tony wasn't pushing Ziva. He knew that pushing her would push her away and give her a reason to not trust him. He knew that was the wrong move to make now.

Tony was along for the ride, but he wasn't going anywhere, no matter what and no matter how long it took her to realize that she could trust him. Tony's heart was set and his mind was made up. He was going to do whatever she would allow him to do to comfort her. He didn't know how long these text messages would continue into the middle of the night and he was exhausted. But, to him, that didn't matter. What mattered was that he was helping Ziva and if she wasn't sleeping he wanted to know about it

But, Tony maintained that he wasn't going to push and patience was coming so much easier to him now than it ever had before in his whole life. It only came easier because she was trusting him some, because she was text messaging him when she needed to.

Tony realized that some of the conversations were longer and those were the only times he was tempted to ask if she wanted a phone call or for him to come over. But, he stuck to his decision and never pushed her. He knew that she was silently thankful for this, and would realize at some point that he wasn't going anywhere or getting impatient.

A/N – second chapter of the day. It looks like Ziva's fears are evolving and she's beginning to work some things out. She's realized that some of her fears are irrational, though she doesn't trust her own instincts. That could be scary, considering the work she does with NCIS. But, we got to see some of Tony's own resolutions about this too. I think it's very grown-up of him to stick to his decisions and trust his instincts when she really needs him to, without her knowing about it. Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. Leave one and let me know what you think!