Fear of Disappointment

Three weeks passed Ziva by, where some of the time she struggled with her fears and other times she didn't. She was definitely improving. It was today that was different from any other day. They were out in the field. They were chasing a suspect when it really hit Ziva that she needed to trust her instinct. The man fired and she pushed Tony out of the way, nearly getting shot herself, except that he pulled her down with him. They looked each other in the eyes for a moment as they heard Gibbs fire his gun. Ziva had hesitated again, but this time unsure of whether or not she should shoot.

"Ziva, DiNozzo, you're with me. Sorry McGee, you're doing the ride back alone this time," Gibbs said quietly, his tone showing obvious anger.

Gibbs led the two to the car and leaned against the passenger-side door. He was staring at Ziva and occasionally shot a glance toward Tony, so as to prove that they were both there for a reason.

"You two are exhausted," he said quietly. "Obviously neither of you is sleeping. That wasn't my first point. Ziva, what the hell was that hesitation about?"

There were tears in Ziva's eyes when Gibbs' eyes went there. He was totally shocked and Tony glanced at Ziva, too, since Gibbs' eyes had gone wide with shock of what he was seeing. He took a step closer to Ziva. She turned her head away and Gibbs was even more shocked about this.

He stepped away from the car and sighed heavily, wondering how he had missed Ziva hurting all this time. "I'll be back in a few minutes," he said with a meaningful glance at Tony who looked confused, but decided it was best to jump on this rare opportunity.

He turned Ziva and placed her back against the car door and looked at her wit either hand on either side of her shoulders.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

Ziva's eyes found Tony's and she shrugged. "I do not know what to say, Tony," she whispered, fearfully.

What happened if she told him what she was afraid of? How would he look at her now? She wasn't the ninja she was supposed to be. She was afraid of trusting herself to make the right decision and that was harder to overcome than anything else had been.

"You questioned yourself," he whispered quietly. "Why?"

She looked into his eyes, she wanted to plead with him to not make her say what was on her mind, but as she started seeing Tony's eyes growing sad from her not talking it suddenly seemed that it was a good idea.

"I do not trust my instincts anymore," Ziva said quietly.

"Why not? They've always been right?" Tony asked, looking sad for her and moving a little closer to her.

Her breath caught in her throat as he moved and she couldn't think straight anymore. She couldn't resist talking to him when he was so close as he was now. She knew she trusted him, but she wasn't sure if opening up about this was a good idea or a bad one. She shook her head, but couldn't force her eyes away from him. Somehow, even though she had avoided too much contact with him before now, they had grown closer through them not sleeping nights and her messaging him in a time of need.

"Not always, Tony," she said quietly, afraid of saying the rest; terrified that if she said Somalia was mostly because of following an instinct he would see her differently.

She was afraid of being disappointed. She didn't want to ruin this with her past or her problems, which was why she hadn't relied on Tony more heavily in her time of healing. But, she was also afraid of disappointing him. She didn't want him to look at her entirely differently because of something that had already passed or some issue she was still having.

"Somalia," Tony stated quietly. She knew it wasn't a question and didn't need an answer. Her eyes grew wide. "What happened? How did you grow to distrust your instincts there?"

"I hesitated," she whispered, afraid that he would not understand; she needed to finish the explanation before he could ask any questions; she needed to get it all out there now. "Saleem's back was turned, Tony. I am not a coward and would not shoot him in the back. Because of that hesitation I was captured and his life was spared."

Ziva looked down at her feet, afraid to see the potential disgust in Tony's eyes and afraid of what he might say to her.

"It's not your fault, you know," he said quietly. "You are a ninja, yes, but you are not perfect. There were many of them and one of you. Honestly, no one else had ever been able to get that close to him without getting captured. You saw me and McGee, right? We got captured in the desert somewhere, not even in his camp already. You made it in and were close to him. You should be proud of yourself. You did the right thing in hesitated. Don't ever question that again."

Tony's hands moved and took Ziva's shoulders, pulling her into a hug that she desperately needed, but didn't feel like she deserved. Tears were escaping her beyond her control and the comfort she was receiving was unexpected and pleasant at the same time. She buried her face into Tony's chest, not wanting anyone else in the world to know that she was breaking down in public.

Tony held Ziva as silent sobs wracked her body. Gibbs could see it and he stayed away until Ziva was under control. Tony just continued to hold her and give her the comfort she needed. He was always going to be there for her. He hadn't expected an answer and was not only surprised to get one, but surprised by what had made her question herself; he was also surprised by the fact that she was blaming herself for being a good person and not shooting someone in the back.

A/N – Sorry for the delay. I originally planned on having this up last night, but I was just exhausted. So, here we have it now. It has happened. Ziva almost affected the fate of herself and Tony by questioning her instincts on the job, but thankfully Gibbs was there and Tony was thinking. She opened up a little and got the comfort she needed from Tony. Hopefully that will prove to her that he isn't going to see her differently if she reveals her other fears and her past to him. Hopefully that will set things in motion a little for her and jump-start her healing a little further. Though, she is definitely healing. Let me know what you think!