Chapter 38
Over the next few days, Tim had quite a few visitors. His parents came as soon as Gibbs called them, but Matt and Judith were there first. They would sit with Tim for hours at a time, just talking with him, Chris sitting on his lap or leaning on his lap...until he fell asleep. Then, Tim foisted him off on Matt. There were also visits from Dr. Lewis who was very encouraging about all that was going on. His parents were almost excited about the fact that Tim seemed to be genuinely thinking about what's going on.
On his third day in the hospital, there was some infection, requiring antibiotics, but Tim rallied back from it and they planned on releasing him in the next week. Ducky had to stay for a few more days and was starting on physical therapy...which he hated but knew was necessary. Tim still felt horrible about what had happened to Ducky, but he didn't say anything. He liked seeing Ducky worried only about when he'd get back to work, whether or not Jimmy would destroy Autopsy in his absence, and how his domain would look when he got back. Tim didn't want to see the fear and anxiety return. So...he kept his thoughts to himself for the time being.
...but he was thinking. A lot. ...and a new thought began to form in his mind, one that seemed more and more like it was the right thing to do.
The only problem was that he'd have to ask for help to do it.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Matt?" Tim asked. He could almost smile. He'd laid out his plan and left Matt speechless.
"Tim...where did this idea come from?"
"My head. It's...just something that I've been thinking about for the last few days."
"Are you sure about this?"
"No...but I'm going to talk to Dr. Lewis tonight. ...and Ducky tomorrow."
Matt smiled. "So...why me first?"
"I thought you might be able to help."
"How?"
"I need a place."
"That's all? I can give you five."
Tim laughed and then winced slightly. "I...only need one."
Matt looked concerned. "This...worries me, Tim."
"How is that any different from every day of the last couple of years?"
"Well...now, I'm telling you instead of just stewing about it. If Dr. Lewis disagrees, will you listen to him?"
"Maybe...probably, but I think he'll agree with me."
"And Ducky? What about him?"
"I can't let Ducky talk me out of it."
"Why not?"
"Because...I think he needs this as much as I do...even if he can't admit it."
Matt took a breath and let it out as he thought about it.
"So...will you help?"
"Yeah...if only because I can tell that you'd probably do it without my help."
"I guess you know me pretty well."
"I'd like to think so." Matt looked solemn. "Tim...promise me one thing."
"What?"
"That you're not doing this to...punish yourself more."
Tim shook his head. "No...I think it's to...maybe start forgiving myself...for everything that's happened."
"I don't know if that's a lot better...but okay."
"Thanks."
"I'll tell you what I have and you can choose."
"I don't really need a lot of choices."
"I know, but I think you should get a chance to choose...just for fun."
Tim smiled. "Thanks. Matt...you and Judith...you've both been..."
"Don't mention it. You're a friend worth having, as I've said before."
"Thank you, though. Really."
"Tim...are you sure you're okay?"
"No...but I'm trying to be now. That's better than before."
"What made the difference?"
Tim turned his body slightly so that the bandage on his back could be seen. "This."
"Why that?"
"I can't explain it. It's made a difference, though."
"Well...I'll trust you, Tim. I don't think I can do anything else."
"Well, you could commit me again...but I don't think you need to." Tim's smiled wavered a little.
"You'd like that."
"Almost. Yeah."
Matt sat down beside Tim and put an arm around his shoulders.
"You've always got us, Tim. No matter what. So you do what you've got to do. I'll back you up."
"Thanks."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Ducky took a deep breath and rubbed gently at his shoulder. He was definitely feeling his age right now...and it wasn't something he enjoyed. He hoped to be home soon, but because of the nature of his injury, his doctors were being very careful.
There was a knock on the door, and Ducky was more than happy to let whoever it was inside. He was bored.
"Come in."
Tim stepped tentatively into the room. He was walking with the careful gait of the injured, but he was on his own two feet...a definite improvement.
"Hey, Ducky."
"Timothy! I haven't had the chance to see much of you in the last few days. How are you feeling?"
"Okay."
Okay would probably be the best word for it. Tim was still a bit pale from his most recent (and most serious) injury and the subsequent infection. He was too thin. He looked tired. ...but he seemed much less worried...about life.
"How are you doing?" he asked, clearly worried about that.
"Much better. I will confess to being tired of all the fuss, but I will tolerate it so long as I must. It could be much worse."
Tim nodded. Then, he took a deep breath.
"Ducky...I just wanted to...to thank you for everything you've done."
Ducky cocked his head to the side.
"That sounds rather ominous...as if you're getting ready to say good-bye."
"I am...for a while, at least."
"Meaning?"
Tim steeled himself to speak, even squaring his shoulders...getting ready to relate something he was sure Ducky would disagree with. Ducky almost smiled at the preparation.
"Meaning...that I'm leaving DC...for a while."
"How long?"
"I'm not sure just yet. As long as I can, I guess."
"How long will that be? How will you live?" Ducky asked.
"Matt is going to...let me use one of the places he either owns or rents. He gave me a list yesterday. I just have to figure out which one. I don't know if it's going to be the mountains or the beach. I just know that I'm going to go to one of them."
"How will you afford it?"
Tim gave a shamed smile. "Ducky...didn't you ever wonder where the money from my car went? Where the money from my book went?"
Ducky smiled in return. He had wondered, but he had never asked.
"I assumed you had given it away."
"I wanted to. I was going to, but my parents told me to keep it," Tim said, trying to act nonchalant. "I wouldn't. I said that if I didn't give it to someone, I'd just throw it out the window. So they told me to give it to them and they'd keep it for me...whenever I decided to take it back. I never thought I would. I couldn't even imagine it...but I guess they could. Parents are smart like that. They can see farther down the road." Tim shrugged. "So...I have enough to live on for a while. I won't have to pay for where I'm staying...and Matt has insisted on paying my way to wherever I go."
"And when will you decide?"
Tim smiled a little. "When I can believe that I really have these choices. When I can believe that I'm really leaving."
"Why are you leaving?"
Tim walked farther into the room and sat down.
"Please, tell me, Timothy."
"Because..." Tim looked at his hands. "...because I need to remember how it was not to be punishing myself for what I did. I need to get away from the place where I was making myself miserable because I thought I had to be. ...and I still do sometimes." He looked up. "I've been making DC into my prison, Ducky. It used to be my home. It used to be where I was really happy, but now, it's the place where I made myself as miserable and hopeless as I possibly could...because I deserved nothing better." He took another deep breath. "I need to remember how it was not to worry about everything, not to hate myself. ...not to...not to hear Jewel in my nightmares."
"And you can't do that here?"
"No. I can't. I need the...the separation. I need to be away, to cut myself off from all the things I've used as signs of my worthlessness. I'm trying to believe that there's more than just misery and self-loathing...but there's too much here that says differently."
Ducky was quiet for a moment, watching Tim, waiting for him to finish explaining himself...noticing the difference in the midst of things seeming to be so much the same. He wasn't sure about Tim's decision.
"What does Dr. Lewis say?"
"That I need to be careful, but if I'm sure that I'm doing this for the right reasons, then it could be a very good thing. ...so long as I don't cut myself off from the people who care about me. I've told my family already...and Matt and Judith, of course. ...and now, I'm telling you."
Ducky smiled. "And when you decide where you're going?"
"Do you want to know?"
"Yes, I do, Timothy."
"Are you sure?" Tim asked, and he smiled. "This is your chance to get away from me."
Ducky shook his head. "No, Timothy. This is your chance to come to yourself, and if you're not opposed, I want to know where you'll be...and I want you to promise to contact me on occasion."
Tim looked down and his hands again. For a moment there was silence. Ducky started to say something, but then, Tim sniffed a bit and let out a shaky breath.
"Ducky...you've been...you've done so much for me when you should have just given up. You've been there and...and I never could figure out why you would bother trying to save me."
"Because I see only a man worth saving."
Ducky saw a couple of tears drip onto Tim's hands. Then, to Ducky's surprise, Tim laughed.
"If...If I were Abby...and if you weren't hurt right now...I'd give you a hug."
Ducky smiled. "Since you are not Abigail, I'd imagine that a hug from you would be much less life-threatening."
Tim laughed again...and then, again, to Ducky's surprise, Tim stood up, leaned over and hugged Ducky very gently.
"Thank you, Ducky. Really. Thanks...I couldn't ever say thank you enough to make up for all the crap I've put you through. I couldn't ever do anything that would really...really show how grateful I am."
"You don't have to, Timothy," Ducky said, his voice soft. "You never have to thank me for that. I know you have a family who loves you, but I care for you as I imagine your parents must...or at least nigh unto it. Timothy, I have spent nights despairing for your future. I have spent days praying in my heart that you would survive to see another sunrise. I have feared that all I could ever do would never be enough to do any good. If you are now reaching a state where you can face the day with your own hope and with your own strength...if that is the case, then I will consider that to be thanks enough."
Tim let Ducky go and sat back, wiping at his eyes, trying to smile.
"Ducky...that night...when I...when I came to your house. I said this to you before, but you were...asleep. The part of me that wanted to be saved knew that you could do it. I knew that you could save me. ...and so I came to you for help. I knew you could save me."
"I could not have saved you had you not wanted to be saved."
"Even so...I knew you could do it...and you have. I've leaned you so much...so much more than I should have, than you should have let me lean. You were the one who kept telling me that I didn't deserve to die. You were the one who kept saying to me that I had a life to live. Even if I didn't listen, even if I didn't believe you...still, I heard it. ...and now...now, I'm ready to try."
"And you feel you must leave in order to succeed?"
"Yes."
"And this will not be permanent?"
"No."
"Good. I will miss you, lad. Very much."
"I'll miss you, but I think it will be better this way."
Ducky nodded, seeing determination where there had not been anything for months.
"I do have one question."
"Yeah?"
"What if the others ask where you are...after you've left?"
"They won't," Tim said, shaking his head.
"But if they do? Do you want me to keep your location a secret from them?"
"No," Tim said. "It's not going to be nearby. Even if they cared enough to ask...they wouldn't come. It wouldn't make sense for them to do it."
Tim seemed certain, but Ducky was very much not certain that Tim's former coworkers would accept his disappearance with equanimity. Still, he didn't voice his thoughts. He just nodded.
"All right. You tell me, and if they ask, I will tell them where you are."
Tim nodded. "They won't ask, but that's fine."
"What about your typewriter?"
For the first time, Tim gave a genuine smile. "I'll be taking it with me. I think I need it."
"I think you do, as well."
"I've already talked with the prosecutors and they'll contact me if I'm needed...but with Collier in custody...they say they'll make a deal with him. I wish they wouldn't, but he's going to testify in exchange for a lighter sentence. That'll make the evidence I collected seem much more solid. They may not need my testimony at all."
"That's good."
"He shot you," Tim said, darkly.
"Yes, but I survived and now his testimony will make things easier for you and for me. I will live with that...literally."
Tim smiled reluctantly...and then jumped a little when the door opened behind him. Ducky didn't like seeing that jumpiness returning...but it was much less than it had been, and if Dr. Lewis was willing to go along with Tim's idea, then he would trust that it would work out.
"Dr. Mallard, it's time for your physical therapy," the nurse said.
"Ah, alas, Timothy, I can't put this off."
Tim shook his head and stood up gingerly, wincing a bit in reaction to the movement.
"No. I have some...decisions to make, Ducky. I'll see you before I go."
"You had better," Ducky said with mock severity. "Otherwise, I shall be forced to track you down myself."
Another hesitant smile and then Tim excused himself.
"You seem much more chipper today than you were yesterday, Dr. Mallard," the nurse said.
Ducky looked after Tim's departing figure and smiled to himself.
"I am...much better than I was," he said. "Take me to my next battle, my dear. I feel ready to take on a dragon!"
The nurse laughed and helped Ducky into his wheelchair. As they headed for the physical therapy room, Ducky couldn't help but look on the coming days with hope.