Feeling Helpless
The new routine continued on. However, the nightmares took a turn again as her fear of losing Tony grew, considering she knew she wasn't ready for more yet and was going to wait until she was closer to ready for more to ask him to stay over. She didn't want to disappoint him, but she wasn't afraid of it. If there was one important lesson that Ziva had taken this year it was that Tony was going to be there for her no matter what and he wasn't going to push her when she wasn't ready to do something (though she had learned that with opening up, talking, and trusting). She was sure it applied to other things as well.
Ziva's nightmares were better than that last one, but they were by no means gone. They were not even diminishing. But, at least they weren't getting worse. That was good news to her. She was satisfied with this, feeling that she was healing and hoping there weren't too many more setbacks in that. She had hope and that was something she hadn't truly felt in a long time.
It was three weeks since she had sent Tony that message that sent him racing across town and he had been there for her in ways that she didn't realize she needed; simple ways and caring ways. She always smiled at the thought that Tony had jumped up to comfort her, just as she now smiled at the thought that Tony had travelled halfway around the world for her when she was being held captive.
Ziva got out of the shower and put on some pajamas and climbed into bed, falling into sleep easily, since she was still rather exhausted from her nightmares.
Ziva had a nightmare that night, which was not unusual. What was unusual was the type of nightmare she had had. She had once considered this type of nightmare to be normal, though now it was so out of the ordinary that it caught her off guard and sent her heart rate through the roof.
She sat up in her bed sweating. She was not terrified as she was with the other kind of nightmares. She felt dirty and violated, sure, but she was not afraid of that. Ziva was more confused than anything else. Why had this nightmare haunted her tonight? Why had this come now when she was so hopeful that things were getting better? Was she going back to the old instead of healing from the new?
Ziva got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. She felt totally helpless at this point. She couldn't sleep at night. She couldn't think of anything except Tony during the day. And yet, here she was having this nightmare again, something she had been certain was gone for a long time. She felt powerless to do anything about it, but first thing was first.
Ziva wanted another shower. She felt dirty and needed to clean. She cleaned every inch of her body that Saleem had ever thought about touching. When she got out she immediately headed for her phone, noticing that it was half past four in the morning. At least she was sleeping a little more, she thought.
She typed a quick text message, knowing that there was only one person in this world that could make her feel less helpless than she did in this moment. She could rely on someone to be there for her and she sent a text to that person.
Run this morning, Tony? Please. I might need it again, not sure.
This had become a routine. Tony wouldn't enter her apartment and she wouldn't invite him in. She would meet him outside and go for a run with him and if they had work the next day they would go together and if not they would enjoy their coffee, morning, and lunch together. It was routine.
She had never worded it quite like this because there had not been much reason to need the run or the closeness with Tony, though she always felt like she needed that latter of the two lately. Her phone buzzed and she read it.
On my way. See you in ten.
She smiled. Ziva, again, as was usual, put on her running shoes and didn't bother changing from her tank top and shorts that she had worn to bed. She hung around for another couple minutes and then went down the stairs and met Tony outside as he walked up to her building to wait for her.
Tony looked at her and tilted his head a little. He looked like a curious puppy when he did this and she nearly laughed. She did snort a little upon seeing this. He knew that he was questioning why she didn't look as broken as she normally did when they did a morning run.
"Old nightmare," she said quietly.
His eyes went wide as he realized what it meant. He looked hurt and she pouted over this. He took his arms and looked at him. She pulled him to her and held him in a hug.
"I am okay, Tony," she whispered. "I promise. I am okay. I just need to do something. I felt… helpless."
He nodded against her and pulled his arms around her and gave her a squeeze. After a short moment he pulled back and looked at her.
"He can't hurt you anymore, you know," he reminded her.
She nodded. "I know," she whispered. "These dreams… they are not so bad… the others…. Well, I don't like them or their thoughts."
He smiled at that. He assumed that the other dreams were about him dying, getting tortured, not being there, or something of that sort. He was pleased to know that she didn't like the thought of him leaving her in any way.
"Let's run," he suggested and she agreed. She did need this, just for entirely different reasons that what he was thinking. She needed the closeness to feel a little more whole than she had before.
A/N – So, Ziva is accepting some form of help from Tony and she is healing because of it. She is not only accepting it, but asking for it. It's not the help she wants to ask for though, but she is still a little hesitant to ask him to just come over and hold her. She knows where that will eventually go and she is questioning herself. But, I think that the inevitable is coming soon. Leave a review please and thank you!