Someday we'll find it

The Rainbow Connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

-Written by Paul Williams and Kenneth Ascher, sung by Jim Henson as Kermit the Frog

"Uncle Toby!" The child trotted up towards him, eyes bright and arms outstretched in greeting.

"My favorite nephew!" Toby held one arm out, balancing a box on his hip with the other as his nephew came to hug around him, the largest smile on the little one's face as Toby lifted him up with one arm.

"I'm your only nephew." Ben frowned slightly at his uncle.

Toby laughed, putting down the box to reach down to hold around Ben's waist, hoisting him up. The little frown disappeared, replaced by squeals of delight. "So?" Toby swung him around, eliciting more squeals. "It doesn't change the fact that you're my favorite."

Ben looked around the messy hallway. "What are you doing?"

"Some spring cleaning. Or rather, summer cleaning. Or is it fall already?" Toby pursed his lips, looking sideways then shrugging. "Doesn't matter. Grammy wants me to organize things."

"I don't like cleaning," Ben mumbled. "But Mommy says I have to."

"Trust me, adults don't like cleaning either. But if we don't, we lose our things or get hurt by tripping over them!" Toby gently set him down, putting the box between them. "You know, sometimes, cleaning is fun, because we get to find cool things from the past."

He reached in and grabbed a well-used teddy-bear. "Like this! This is Lancelot! It was your Mom's when she was little, then she gave it to me!" He smiled at the fond memories of playing with the bear, remembering how Sarah would tuck him in every night with it.

"What happened to his eye?" Ben pointed at his face, horrified. "It came off!"

Toby shrugged, used to the missing eye. "I'm not sure, but I bet we can fix him up in no time." He roughed up Ben's hair, despite knowing his sister would sigh and groan at the mess. "How about we ask Grammy?"

"Ask me what?" a woman bearing a striking resemblance to Toby came up the stairs. A few stray gray hairs paired with wrinkle lines, but other than that, she hadn't aged that much throughout the years.

"To fix him!" Ben ran over to her, holding up the bear. "He lost an eye."

"Oh, dear me!" Karen looked him over, clicking her tongue. "Well, you can tell he's been very much loved over the years."

"Can you fix him, Grammy?" Ben looked at her with large, pleading eyes. "Please? Uncle Toby said you can."

Karen looked at her son, giving him an appreciative smile. Then back at her darling grandson. "Of course. I'll have to get some stuffing and an eye for him, but I think that can be our great project."

Toby rummaged through another box. "Oh hey! Look at this!"

He pulled out a small, red book. "Huh, 'The Labyrinth.' Sarah used to read it to me all the time when I was little. I haven't read it in years."

Images danced in his mind of twisted, strange faces of goblins. And even stranger, he heard a chicken clucking in the background. In the center of his mind, he was sure that there was a man with wild hair holding him...

"Ah, that book," Karen stood next to him, taking him out of his thoughts. "Your sister loved to play pretend in the park, reading out of this and reciting lines like a princess."

"I like books," Ben piped up. "Daddy always read me stories."

At the mention of his father, Toby and Karen exchanged a knowing glance, melancholy in their eyes. Karen got down so she was eye-level with Ben. "What were your favorite stories that your Daddy would read?"

While Ben was chatting away with his uncle and Grammy, Sarah was downstairs with her father, Robert. "Dad, you really don't have to pay his rent."

"If Toby is going to be living with you, yes I do," he insisted. "That boy is a college student that will eat you out of house and home, first of all-"

"Isn't the point of him living with me for his last two years of college supposed to save money?" Sarah remarked, grabbing the dishes and setting up the table. "Paying rent isn't exactly helping with that."

"Okay, how about 75% of the rent he would have paid then?" Robert suggested. "You have a mortgage to pay. On a single income, for that matter."

"We've downsized since Ethan died." Her face was devoid of emotion as much as her tone was.

"Please, Sarah." Robert took ahold of her hand, begging her to listen, to not close off. He swallowed thickly, trying to reach through to his daughter. "We have the money. What's the point of it if I don't use it to take care of my children?"

"Dad," Sarah went to hug him gently, not really feeling it but figured he'd get off her case if she did. "I can take care of myself, I'm a big girl now, you know?" she said with a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes.

Robert pulled back to look at her, hoping that she would understand just how much she meant to him. "Yes, I know. But there's value in receiving help too, you know?"

"I know."

The disappointment in her voice was obvious. Sarah pulled away, unable to look in his eyes any longer.

When her husband first died, everyone swarmed to give advice on grief or their condolences, saying that she was in their thoughts. The grieving, young widow and her then four-year-old son watching quietly as the casket was lowered into the earth had brought forth tears to people's eyes, moving them to be incredibly charitable. After that, people hardly shared their thoughts and wondered when she would move on.

Including her own family. It wasn't that they were cold, quite the opposite. Karen believed that the best way to heal was to keep busy, but all Sarah did was sink into a deep depression, doing the bare minimum for months after Ethan died. Any sign of sadness from her was a burden to others, even if they didn't say so.

So, she kept it to herself. She didn't want to drag Ben down with her, grateful that he still had his playmates at his preschool at the time, and now kindergarten, to keep him company. Through every smile, she was in deep pain. Ethan was a wonderful man who loved her and their son.

And she loved him. With all her heart.

Two years have passed since he died, and she was judged even more for not going on dates and "moving on" with her life. It wasn't that she was in pain so much as she hardly felt anything anymore. She did go on one coffee date just to get people off her back, but that one ended in disaster and she was too exhausted to try again. One of her stepmother's friends saw her on said date and commented that a year after the death of her husband was too early to go out on a date.

Damned if she did, damned if she didn't.

At least Karen had stood up for her, but it was a relief for that to happen in a way. Her stepmother no longer bothered her about dates after that. Besides, Sarah claimed that she was content where she was, focusing on Ben and the little joys of life. There was no need to explain to anyone why she chose to be single and independent. Why she stopped being the person to initiate contact for a while.

This resulted in an argument a year ago, and her relationship with her parents still hasn't quite fully bounced back. However, they were her best supporters and a light in her dark times, visiting her often even if they lived on opposite sides of the country.

Unlike her in-laws, who never visited unless she asked them to or she herself would go and say hi. They lived not even fifteen minutes away and hardly saw them during those two years without Ethan. Or the years before he died, for that matter.

"So, how's work?" Robert quickly changed the subject. "Still teaching and accepting gigs?"

She relaxed at the change of subjects, grateful that her father recognized the need. "That, and accompanying soloists. Mostly teenagers who need someone for whatever competition they have to do. I do have some professional musicians reaching out to me from time to time though. I have an audition for a possible solo performance coming up and it would be my first in a long time."

Sarah had been considered a prodigy. Even in her early years she had proved to be quite talented, winning numerous awards, on her way to becoming well-known in the classical music world.

She pursued music at Juilliard as a performer under world-class pianists. She had the opportunities to play in various venues around the world, showcasing her talents in ways that most people could only dream of doing. She was on her way to becoming a household name in classical music.

Then, in the middle of her second year of college, her mother was diagnosed with cancer.

Quitting school, she cared for her ill mother until she got better. Then she was more or less ignored by Linda. It made sense, as Sarah was a leftover from a failed marriage that Linda should have never agreed to. She had been too young and didn't know or cared how to be a mother.

When that happened, Sarah felt heartbroken and a bit lost. She taught piano for a time, only performing here and there. Her relationship with Linda diminished to the point where she would only call for Christmas and birthdays for ten minutes. Sarah found that she preferred that, as sad as the situation was. It made things easier.

It wasn't until she met Ethan that she had the courage to go back to school and retake her place as a performer (though at a different university). Sarah continued to play again, but as much as she loved playing, it wasn't something that appealed to her as it did before. No longer did the large audiences and shiny stage lights make her heart race in the same kind of awe.

Not long after graduating college (a few years after she anticipated), she and Ethan got married. While Sarah continued to perform, she rethought her life goals and what she really wanted to do. In her younger years, she looked up to her mother's glamorous lifestyle of being famous, having admirers, partying, and applause. The older she got, the less she wanted that. It was why she chose to pursue music instead of acting.

In the end, she realized that what made her really feel fulfilled was to bring music into people's homes. She began teaching again, making money from teaching richer students but also opened up for less affluent students to study with her, those who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford lessons from someone so talented.

Music and other forms of art shouldn't be something only for the rich, the prodigies, and those who would make money from it, but for anyone who wanted to pursue it for the sake of it. Music brought beauty to one's life and there needn't be a justification for enjoying it.

Having Ben solidified her decision even more, now that she had the perspective of a mother. She wanted to do good to the world, to be a force for change. Still, she missed performing and would do so occasionally.

"How long has it been since your last?" Her father asked gently, knowing the answer already.

Sarah smiled at him sadly. "The last time I performed as a soloist was a month before Ethan died."

When playing piano used to give her calm and reset her thoughts, grief made it difficult for her to learn new pieces. She would replay the same pieces that she had learned when she was younger, her brain not wanting to accept something new. It was the same way with reading. There was a time when she would read any and all stories and now, she would only reread her favorite ones.

Maybe with this audition, she can get back to being more adventurous and get out of her comfort zone again.

Back upstairs, Karen was having a similar conversation with Toby, Ben still playing with some old toys and ignoring the two adults. "Are you sure you want to move in with Sarah?"

"Yeah, why not?" Toby shrugged. "It's way more practical, and she moved closer to where the university is."

"But don't you want to move in with friends? I know they offered you to move into their house."

"Why would I want to move in with three smelly guys who hardly shower and won't do dishes when I can have my own room in Sarah's house?" He scratched his head, confused. "I thought you said growing up was about being responsible."

"Yes, I know but-"

"And, I don't have to worry about obnoxious partying until late at night."

Karen sighed sharply, exasperated with him. "I'm just worried that you'll be missing out on the college experience."

Toby tried to not roll his eyes. His mother never went to college and her perceptions of it come from gossip with her friends and their children or the media, making her believe that partying and making friends through said partying was essential to a college experience. Not that he wasn't going to party, he certainly had and would continue to do so. Just not at the expense of his schooling. "Mom, I'm fine. Really. I have friends I can hang out with. Sarah told me she'll let me have free reign over my life, just to let her know if I'll be home for dinner and such. I get the best of both worlds."

"I just want to make sure that you have your friends to spend time with, you know? Being stuck with your sister all the time..."

Besides practical reasons, Toby wanted to move in with Sarah and Ben to watch over them. Not incessantly or anything, he was going to live his life. But he wanted to be there for her and be close by. He didn't visit her much during his first two years of college, due to the fact that he didn't even have a car and getting around anywhere took forever in the Seattle traffic, so he wanted to change that.

Sarah had been there for him when he was younger. When she married Ethan, they kept that relationship and Ethan was also good to Toby. The least he could do was to watch over her just as much as she watched over him.

Besides, he really, really didn't want to live with his friends. He liked them as friends but their living habits were just too much for him.

"I already made up my mind, Mom," Toby said with finality. "Besides, it's too late to go find a new apartment."

"All right, all right."

A month later

Toby, Ben, and Sarah were Halloween shopping.

"What do you want to be for Halloween?" Sarah thumbed through the woman's section for a costume, annoyed at all the sexy ones. Not that she was against them (she wore plenty in her younger years that got plenty of attention), but for it to be the only style readily available was ridiculous.

"A Jedi!" Ben put his hands together, holding an invisible lightsaber and making sound effects. He pushed his hand right into Toby's leg. "You're dead!"

"Hey, that wasn't a fair fight!" Toby picked up a plastic sword and poked Ben's side. "En guarde!"

"Why do I never have my camera on me for the best moments?" Sarah grinned from ear to ear, watching her brother and son play-fight until Toby lost his balance and fell right into a pile of plastic arrows.

"Ow," he groaned. Then looked around. "Damn it, that's a big mess I gotta clean."

"You said a no-no word!" Ben looked at his mother, trying to look horrified but failed spectacularly. His grin stretched so far, Sarah was surprised that it didn't tear his whole face apart.

"Really Tobes?" She picked up the arrows, helping her brother clean up. "He's impressionable."

He didn't even look phased. "He's gonna learn it sooner or later. But yeah, Benny-Boy," he nodded at his nephew. "Just don't say it around Grammy. She'll kill me."

"But you're a grownup," Ben said, perplexed. "You can do whatever you want!"

"I wish," Toby sighed, making Sarah snicker.

She picked up a costume from a pile. "Here we go! A Jedi costume."

"Can we get a lightsaber?" Ben jumped up and down, looking like he was about to explode from excitement.

He had been asking Sarah for a while to have it, but she always said no due to fear of it being too big for him or breaking apart too quickly. She had been planning it for a Christmas gift. In light of Toby joining them, she changed her mind.

"You know what?" She picked one up, turning on the buzzing, whirring sound. "It's Halloween, so why not?"

"Yay!" Ben picked up a green lightsaber. "I want this one!"

"Why that color?" Toby asked him.

"That's Luke's color, I want to be Luke for Halloween!" He swung it around, awed by the buzzing sound.

Toby picked up a red light saber. "Why not be Obi-Wan Kenobi?"

"Why him?"

"Because he's also known as Ben Kenobi, duh!" Toby swung his lightsaber. "And I can be Darth Vader and strike you down!"

"Ahhh!" Ben squealed when Toby gently brought it down to his side.

"You know," Sarah interrupted them. "When I was pregnant, I almost agreed to name him Luke until I heard Ethan say 'Luke, I am your father' while pretending to be Darth Vader. By the time I realized that 'Ben' was a Star Wars reference, it was too late for me to veto it."

"Luke was almost my name?!" Ben groaned. "That's so cool!"

"Man, you're so lame," Toby agreed with Ben. "Also, I wish I could high-five Ethan now. That's the best prank he could have pulled on you."

Sarah rolled her eyes.

"But you love Star Wars too!" Toby countered.

She made a face. "I vetoed it because I didn't want to subject my son to dad jokes for the rest of his life."

"You know what?" Toby said excitedly, his eyes lighting up. "This weekend, we're having a Star Wars marathon! The best adventure story of all time!"

Sarah thought about that. Adventure?

Her mind drifted to a story of a princess. Or was it a servant girl? No matter who it was, she had caught the attention of the Goblin King, but had given up his offer to stay.

The details were a bit blurry to her, and she grasped at it, trying as best as she could to remember it. Even through the blur, his bright blue, mismatched eyes were crystal clear and penetrating deep into her soul.

"Sarah?" Toby went to her side. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She forced a smile at the pair.

She shook her head. It was silly anyway. A cute story, one that probably influenced her but dwelling on it was a waste of time.

Still, the nagging feeling didn't go away.

Why?

While I don't really insert myself or any other person in my characters, much of what I write is inspired by real life with the question of "How would Sarah and Jareth react if put in this situation?" This story is no exception. It's a story I'm most excited and terrified for because it's taken me so long to write and put it together. It's near and dear to my heart due to Sarah being older than I usually write her and because of a main theme of the story: grief and healing, as I was the same age Sarah's son when I lost my own father. Now and then, I will maybe add in the AN's about what inspired this or that scene, though many of them I came up with on my own.

I hope that you will enjoy this story, that you will find the beauty in grieving for someone you've lost and that the process is completely messy most of the time. That you will see that healing doesn't mean you stop hurting when you think of their loss, but that you carry the love you shared (be it friend or family) as you live the happiest life that you can live. To enjoy the other people who are still alive in the finite amount of time that we call life.

I chose Ben because that's the name of my brother's best friend from childhood. As I kept on writing, the Star Wars reference came up and I remembered that another family friend named his son Ben after Obi-Wan lol so I thought it was perfect.

Thank you again for reading, and I appreciate your thoughts very much! This story is almost fully written except for a few things here and there to edit/actually write, so updates will be regular (depending on how demanding my job is and how tired I am when I come home lol).