Confessions Part 1
"Talk to me, Zi," Tony pleaded quietly, trying hard not to push her into it. "If you're comfortable with it."
"He killed you, Tony," Ziva stated, staring into his eyes and her tears flowing faster down her cheeks. "He slit your throat while I watched. I watched you die!"
"Shh," Tony said quietly, not moving yet. "It's okay, Ziva. I'm here. I'm right here. And I'm alive. Saleem can't hurt me."
Tony pulled Ziva into a hug and Ziva wrapped her arms around him for a moment, but then she pulled back, there was something important to say to this man and something she had resisting saying for a long time now, since she had seen him in Somalia so long ago.
"I can't lose you, Tony," Ziva whispered, afraid to admit it. "I... I can't live without you, either."
Tony's eyes went wide upon hearing that. Not only had she used a contraction, but she had really just responded to what he had said under truth serum almost a year ago. Some piece of him had hoped she wouldn't remember his spoken words and the truth to them, but he was glad now that she did. He could see the truth behind her eyes. It appeared to him that they now had a lot of talking to do. They had not shared so many things with each other and now this was being said. That was a lot for him to take in. he stared at her for a silent moment and then thought he must ask.
"You remember that?" he asked her.
"You were only being honest," Ziva confessed.
"So are you," Tony pointed out sternly.
Ziva searched his face. His expression turned soft under her gaze she watched his judgment wash away and care return to him. He opened his arms again and pulled her immediately into his side, sliding his way the rest of the way onto her bed and laying back with her, so her head was resting on his chest. He held her in his arms protectively. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. This ninja, a year ago, would have killed him for thinking of this moment, but now she was relaxing into him like he had always hoped she would one day.
"What did you mean, Tony, when you said that if there were any questions I didn't want the answer to, to not ask them?" Ziva asked quietly as she rested her hand over his heart and began to trace light circles there.
God! Her hands felt so good on him! He didn't think he could ever get used to that feeling. But, right now, he had a question to answer.
"Well, I meant what I said. But, what came to mind then was how I had ended up there," he said quietly. "How I had gotten to the point where I wanted to travel halfway around the world to kill Saleem, or what I was thinking when I said I couldn't live without you when I thought you were dead."
"Would you answer those questions now?" Ziva asked nervously and in nothing more than a whisper.
Tony picked his head up and looked at her.
"Ziva, are you sure you want to hear it? It could change everything. Do you want everything to change?" Tony asked.
Now it was Ziva's turn to raise her head. She thought deeply about his words for a short moment. She chose her reply carefully, touching a subject that she thought she should never approach with him, because it was forbidden, just like all of this was forbidden.
"Tony, Paris changed everything," she admitted, her voice a little stronger than she expected it to be, though it was still laced with vulnerability. "Paris changed everything, but the aftermath of having that comfort, of having that satisfaction and that contact… that part was not a good change. I have had these nightmares and you know that. They have gotten worse. I tried to ignore them, you know that. I tried to pretend they weren't there and you know that to. I tried to pretend that Paris did not matter. I tried to pretend your words in Somalia did not matter. I tried, Tony, I really tried. But, Tony, I am tired of pretending. Yes, I really want to know. How did you get to the point of traveling halfway around the world, thinking I was dead, when you say you could not live without me? What were your intentions? What were your thoughts when you saw me alive?"
Tony sighed heavily and closed his eyes for a second. Ziva's hand touched his cheek when his eyes closed, causing his eyes to snap open and find her curious chocolate eyes trained on his green ones.
"Do not close your eyes, Tony," Ziva requested. "I like to see what your thoughts are."
He smiled a little and then proceeded to answer her questions. He took in a breath and answered her honestly, confessing everything he didn't know he could confess to her.
A/N – Well, not only did Tony come but now they are going to have a serious conversation about things that definitely matter. There are a lot of confessions to be had and I will have the second part of this up momentarily. Let me know what you think!