AUTHOR'S NOTE: So…..the weather's nice, huh? *shuffles feet nervously*
Oh, I wanted to apologize for this chapter. There was something sinister in the air when I was writing this. Hence, the overall weirdness of this. It's practically ten thousand words of a whole lot of nothing. Whoopsie.
Think of this as a filler chapter, deal? HERE WE GO.
A Woman's Worth: Chapter SIXTEEN
Damon's POV
I stood in the hallway, gripping my pajama shirt with one hand and turning the doorknob with the other. I wasn't surprised when it didn't turn all the way around, proving that Elena had, in fact, locked me out.
Shit.
"Please, let me in. We need to talk about this. I'm sorry, Elena. It's my fault, not yours, okay? Please, don't shut me out. I really need to talk to you," I called out as I rapped my knuckles on the bedroom door. "Come on, open the door please. I never meant to hurt you or push you away. You just caught me off-guard, that's all. And we both know how I turn into a blubbering idiot when I'm not thinking straight." I continued to knock, knowing that she was hovering just beyond the door, crying in earnest as I listened to her heartbreaking sobs. "Elena?"
I never meant to be the one to cause her such grief. I should be on the other side of this massive three-inch cockblocker of a door, helping her to dry her tears and distract her from the pain in her life instead of being the one to further compound the ache. Knowing that she would rather be sad and alone instead of talking to me cut through my heart like a knife through butter.
Releasing a heavy sigh, I had no choice but to accept the fact that she didn't want to see me, not now anyway. I hated being separated from her. I would give up everything I owned just to be by her side, holding her, comforting her while she cried in my arms. I would even willingly offer to be her punching bag if it meant that she would allow me back in.
With great reluctance, I trudged towards my own room, putting my shirt back on before I grabbed everything I needed in preparation for the long and possibly restless night ahead. Making my way back to Elena's still-closed room door, I was surprised to see my flat-faced pug, scratching at the surface, whining and begging to be let in. Funny, she reminded me of exactly what I was doing less than five minutes ago, except for the whining. Okay, maybe just a little whining.
"What's the matter, Pig? Did Elena kick you out too?" I asked the sad dog and she turned her face to peer at me pathetically through her wide expressive eyes. She answered me with another small whine and resumed her attempts to scratch her way through the wood.
I knew exactly how she felt. I didn't even have the heart to reprimand her for pawing at the layer of lacquer on the surface, which I spent a fortune on just last year. Keeping the mansion in tip top condition required more money than I was making, but luckily I still had my trust fund and my mother's considerable insurance payout from her death, God rest her soul.
"I know how much you want to be in there, buddy, but you may as well forget it. Neither one of us is getting through that door tonight," I warned her. "Well, at least you didn't make her upset by kissing her while thinking of your brother, huh?" I sighed again, and then belatedly realized how misleading that last statement was. But then again, who was Pig to judge me? She'd lick her own ass if she could reach it.
Dropping everything I brought with me on the floor, I propped my pillow up against the doorframe before I sat down, leaning back on it as I arranged a blanket around me. It was a chilly night, and I hadn't exactly planned on sleeping on the freezing floor throughout the night. But that was before I stuck my foot in my mouth yet again. Knowing how Stefan felt about her, it was wrong to act on my feelings for her, no matter how tempted I was.
Perhaps I shouldn't have rejected Elena. Hell, I shouldn't have kissed her back in the first place, but there I was, completely in love with this woman I had known for only a few short months, trying to do my damndest to be there for her at the lowest point of her life. Boy was I panicking and scared out of my wits when I tried to wake her up from a vivid nightmare. I was literally afraid for her life, and when she finally opened her mouth to breathe, the relief that flooded through me was indescribable.
But then she kissed me.
And Oh. My. God, was it fucking fantastic! The pure joy that ran through my entire body just from the first touch of her soft lips….I didn't have the strength nor the will power to move away. In the midst of all the chaos that was our lives, for that one precious moment, we were finally together.
Even now, as I tried to get comfortable on the floor with one extremely chubby pug curled up under my armpit, my heart was racing as I remembered the sensations I felt when our lips met for the first time, and when our tongues tangled together.
Swapping saliva had never been more erotic. Or romantic.
All lucid thoughts flew out of my head - not that I had that many to begin with - but how does one focus on anything when you have Elena Gilbert attached to your face, pulling you on top of her as if she'd die if there was even a single millimeter separating you both?
Despite my mental cart wheels across the bedroom in celebration of our kiss, I was jolted back to reality when I felt hot tears coursing down her face, dripping past my fingers which were curled around her neck. That and the way her body suddenly stiffened under mine, her nails digging painfully into my flesh, something clicked in my head. I was overwhelmed with shame and guilt as my little brother's beaming face appeared unbidden in my mind.
There were too many reasons why I shouldn't have done what I just did, starting with the incredibly lousy timing and the knowledge that somewhere in this house, my own brother might be happily contemplating a future with the very woman whom I was holding so tenderly in my arms. Elena was the first woman Stefan had expressed an interest in, and I sure as hell won't be the one to stand in the way of him finally finding happiness with a really great girl.
I'd say party time was over and it was time to pay the piper.
It was almost comical, the way things just tend to fall apart whenever I tried to do the right thing by the people I care about. Not only was Elena not impressed by my lack of finesse when I tried to soften the blow of rejection, but apparently my ineloquent reasoning made her really mad at me. My efforts to right a wrong tonight had exploded in my face and resulted in me being my dog's footstool and unwilling recipient of her drools as she snored loudly beside me for the rest of the night.
It was times like these when I wished that I had a bottle of the finest bourbon in my hand, but Ric was right earlier. If I wanted to maintain the trust between us, then I should abstain from any and all alcohol for as long as she was in my life. But all of this might now be a moot point after that toe-curling but bad idea of a kiss.
A masculine throat cleared and I was snapped out of my inner musings when I turned to see Stefan coming towards me in his sweats and tee-shirt. Another stab of guilt pierced through me when I saw the look of concern on his face.
Earlier in the day, I had already filled him in with most of the sordid details and explained why we both had a new housemate. I couldn't very well bring a woman home for an indefinite period of time and hope that my sometimes obtuse brother wouldn't notice. He may have used a few too many hair products in his lifetime, but he was still a law student. Rumor has it future lawyers are supposed to be smart; something my baby bro had failed to prove just yet.
"Hey, what are you doing out here at this time of night?" he asked softly as he came to sit down next to me.
His opening question took me aback. Not that it wasn't a fair one, considering that I was camped outside a closed door as if I was a knight on sentry duty sent to protect the virtue of a royal princess. Lacking anything better to say, I started with a version of the truth.
"I couldn't sleep and I wanted to be near in case Elena needs me, so here I am," I shrugged, not quite willing to meet his eyes considering I just made out with the woman he could very well end up with. For a fleeting second, I wished that my younger brother was either gay or already in a committed relationship to his very own girl, preferably someone who wasn't Elena.
Turning his green eyes towards the door, he gave a small head tilt and addressed the main reason for his little midnight stroll. "How is she doing?"
Seriously, what's with the endless stream of questions? Wasn't one enough? Now there's a follow-up question? Stefan may as well have me fill out a fucking questionnaire while he's at it!
So maybe I was in a crap-tastic mood tonight, but could you really blame me? I couldn't drink myself into oblivion for my self-inflicted guilt and neither could I get over that phenomenal kiss with Elena. Excuse me if I wasn't feeling particularly chatty at the moment.
"Well, she started having nightmares about the attack, and she's afraid and distrustful of everyone around her right now, so all in all, I'd say she's still pretty traumatized."
Stefan seemed to hesitate for a moment before forging ahead with his third question of the night. "Do you think – should I go talk to her, maybe try to offer some comfort or a shoulder to cry on?"
I wanted to answer his question with a resounding, "Hell no!" and maybe ship him off to one of those secluded military boarding schools on a remote island far far away. They offer law degrees at one of those places, right?
But of course, I didn't actually suggest that. After all, he's the only family I've got left, and Elena was in short supply of people who care about her. I didn't want to deprive her of what could be the closest thing to a family she's got right now.
Besides, baby bro could very well be the lucky guy who'd get to hold her hand for all of eternity. Even so, I couldn't help but be selfish by wanting to be the one to help Elena over this bump along the road. I wanted to be her hero, her white knight, her pillar of strength especially during this very difficult time in her life. So, baby bro just had to chill for now and give me this time with her.
"We'll see how it goes after a few days, okay? Let's give her some time to adjust first, and get used to having us as her new housemates before we try anything drastic. She's not that familiar with you yet, and we don't want a repeat of her freaking out like she did when the police officer came to talk to her," I said, forcing a small smile at him as a comforting gesture.
It worked, the sucker!
Stef nodded and exhaled heavily, his features taking on his usual broody expression as he bid me goodnight and sauntered back to his bedroom in a separate wing of the mansion. Left alone once again, I dove right back into my thoughts before the interruption, wondering how exactly I would be able to stomach seeing Elena with my brother, or anyone else for that matter, after she has moved on from this ordeal.
It hasn't happened yet but my heart is already aching at the very thought. No, I couldn't let myself be distracted by what I wanted, but rather, focus on what she needed right now. And what she needed was a sober, alert, and focused Damon Salvatore. I couldn't let her down now, not after the clusterfuck I just made of her life. I owed her that much.
"Damon?"
A feather light touch on my shoulder, followed by the heavenly smell of coffee wafted up – or down –to my nose as I was woken up. My semi-awake mind conjured up an image where I was lying in bed, snuggling next to a very warm and toasty Elena as she brought me my morning coffee. I smiled at the thought, repositioning my body to wrap my arm firmly around her, burrowing my head deeper in her surprisingly coarse hair, feeling them tickling and poking at my nose. My face scrunched up as I felt a sneeze coming on, and with a deafening 'Ahhhh-Chooooo,' I proceeded to wake the entire population of Mystic Falls up.
"Gesundheit," a feminine voice greeted me when I pried my bleary eyes open.
Blondie. I should have known. Of course she was here…why the hell not, right? She was staring down at me with a worried look as she held out a mug as if it was a peace offering for waking me when I was having my morning cuddle with –
A hairy pug! It wasn't Elena I was snuggling against, but my bug-eyed, drooling dog who seemed annoyed at me for interrupting her snooze with my sneeze. I sat up hastily, pushing the heavy pooch away when I caught sight of Caroline who was fighting to hold back a giggle, no doubt at my expense.
"Coffee?" she offered as she gestured to the steaming cup in her hand. What's up with the one-worded conversation this morning?
But at least, she had the sense not to show up empty-handed, so I figured that I could reserve my grouchy mood for my sibling. Flashing a grateful smile at her, I took the offered mug and inhaled the mouthwatering aroma, only now beginning to completely regain the full function of my brain cells.
"Holy sweet Mother of Jesus! That's some good coffee," I declared even before taking a sip of the divine liquid of wakefulness, otherwise known as black coffee. I was just about to indulge when a loud protest came from the end of the hallway.
"Wait, don't drink that!"
All three of us – Blondie, Pig and I – turned our heads to see Ric running towards us, his lips pressed into a straight line. Uh oh, whatever it was, he didn't look too happy with me, or Blondie.
Turned out, he wasn't pleased with the cup in my hand. "That cup….hand it over, slowly," he instructed with a stern look on his face. Goodness, he kind of reminded me of my old history teacher in high school, except that the old guy used to turn up drunk to class more often than not. You'd think all that alcoholic self-medicating would make him less of a grouch, wouldn't you?
Caroline and I exchanged puzzled frowns as I reluctantly relinquished my hold on my lifeline, only to watch Ric take a hard sniff near the brim of the mug and then take a small sip of the dark liquid.
"This is coffee," he announced with puckered brows, as if he expected something completely different.
"Well, Ric if you wanted coffee that badly, there's like a whole pot of it in the kitchen. You didn't have to steal Damon's," my blonde partner-in-crime reprimanded gently, knowing full well how I felt about my first cup of coffee of the day. It would be like a baby not getting his diaper changed. I would be Mr. Cranky-pants without some caffeine in my system, especially if I was alcohol-free.
"Blow me," Ric commanded as he crouched down in front of me, bringing his face near to mine after setting my mug down beside me.
Whoa! Super massive invasion of personal space! And what?! "Ewww, no!" I declined hastily, noticing Care's horrified gasp coming from behind the sandy-haired man who used to be my buddy. My platonic buddy.
To my surprise, he sniffed around my mouth area after my very vocal denial of his odd request, and then gagged slightly as he proclaimed, "Whoo, worst morning breath ever but at least you haven't been drinking. And I meant 'exhale', you moron!"
Ahh, so it was a test to see if I had succumbed to the bottle again after he had marched out of the Grille the previous day. "You should have just asked, you ninny, instead of being all up in my face before I've had my coffee," I replied, taking a quick and satisfying sip of my daily dose of caffeine before it could disappear again.
Ahhhhhh, I sighed inwardly as my stomach warmed from the hot beverage.
"And have you lie outright to my face?" he volleyed right back without even a blink. Ouch. "Rule number one; never trust an alcoholic, especially when he just recently fell off the wagon after almost a decade of sobriety. And rule number two; always suspect that the coffee could be Irish."
Some best friend he turned out to be, but he did have a point, or two. Still, he should have more faith in me considering he knew what I was going through. "I'm not an alcoholic; I'm just a guy who drank some alcohol, that's all. There's a difference," I insisted as he was about to argue with me. "Besides, if anything, I'm Elenaholic. It's a new kind of addiction and there are no known cures for it."
No cure, unless I died from extreme distance and time apart from the subject matter. Hey, maybe last night and this morning's crankiness were my withdrawal symptoms.
"How is Elena, anyway? Did she say anything at all about the attack? Was she able to sleep at all?" Care asked after a while, looking around her in a daze as if she was only just realizing that we were all huddled around the floor near the doorway to Elena's room. "And why were you camping out here with the dog? What's going on, Damon?"
Oh goodie, more questions!
"She's not dealing with it at all, Care. It's as if she's blocked it off mentally while somehow still feeling the emotional effects of the trauma," I started to explain, and then decided that the two people seated on the floor with me deserved nothing but the whole truth, even if it meant that my precious cup of coffee might end up overturned on my head. I took a huge gulp of my drink at the thought.
"I was with her last night, fully intending to sleep on an armchair in the room with her, but then she had a nightmare and went into a full-fledged panic attack right in front of me," I recounted in a somber tone, noting the immediate concerned looks that appeared on my friends' faces. "Oh, don't worry, because I managed to comfort her after that. But then, somehow, I mean I didn't even know how it happened, but suddenly we were-we were kind of.…smooching. I didn't mean to, but it just…happened," I finished lamely and waited nervously for the onslaught of yelling that was inevitable.
Well, there were mixed reactions, starting with Blondie's, "Aww, you guys smooched? Finally!"
Ric's response wasn't so cheery, however. Seriously, the guy was all doom and gloom these days. I should have a friendly chat with Mer and try to get him laid more often. "Damon, the girl just got raped by her own fiancée or boyfriend or whatever the hell he was on Christmas day, and not only is she still traumatized, she's also emotionally unstable! And you thought it was a good idea to play tonsil tennis with her, as a, what? A comforting gesture?!"
Again, the dude had a point. Overall, I'd say that Ric had a pointy morning so far.
"To be fair, she kissed me first. My tonsils just went along with the ride…completely unwillingly, of course, until I stopped it," I added to cover my own behind. "I may have hurt her feelings a little…sure explains why I was locked out of the room and sleeping on the floor. But if it helps, I was thinking of Stefan the entire time we were kissing!"
Okay, so maybe I stretched the truth a little. I only thought of baby bro two seconds before I broke off the kiss.
The pair before me stared at me with slacked jaws at my latest disclosure and I was relieved to know that they have moved past the kiss and was now focusing on my odd fixation on my brother. "Yes, I can see how you'd think that makes it better in no way at all," Ric said sarcastically with an eyeroll.
"I meant that I knew it was wrong, especially given her current condition and also how Stefan is interested in her and everything-" I started to clarify before Blondie interrupted me with a groan.
"Ugh, would you listen to yourself?" she scoffed. "Don't drag your brother into this! Stop using him and his non-feelings as an excuse not to be with her. It doesn't work that way. You can't just push her towards him in hopes of making things right again because of guilt. She needs you more than anything right now and you know it!"
I could tell that Blondie meant everything she said, judging by the way she stamped her foot down and scared Pig off, causing the pug to run with her tail tucked between her legs to my room to hide.
"Yes," I agreed with a firm nod, "and I'll be there for her and make sure that she's all better before I let Stefan take over as the hero of the day." I wasn't even sure if I would be able to let her go, to be honest. The mere thought sent me past the brink of despair as I sat there swallowing my coffee as if it were a love potion that could heal the gaping hole in my chest. "Ric was right from the start; I shouldn't have let my personal feelings cloud my judgment when it comes to Elena. If I had my head screwed on straight and just did my job, then Elena wouldn't be holed up on the other side of this door, being upset with me and doing God knows what else."
As soon as the words left my mouth, all three of us stiffened and turned to face the door simultaneously. "And how long have you left her alone in there?" Ric was the first to ask the question that was nagging at us and the horrifying possibilities that came with the answer.
"Umm…," I paused, glancing at my watch. "Eight, maybe nine hours, I guess," I answered with a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, exchanging a quick look with Ric. No, there was no way that Elena would ever do anything stupid right? She knew better…didn't she?
Now alarmed beyond reason, we all got to our feet and started yelling Elena's name at the top of our lungs, but even after knocking on the door a bunch of times, there were no response from inside the locked room. It was almost as still as death, pardon the pun.
Fear ripped through my innards as I turned and sprinted downstairs towards the library where we kept all the spare keys, shouting for Stefan as I went. I was halfway there when I literally bumped into him, a look of panic on his face as he asked me what was wrong.
"No time to explain! Help me look for Elena's room key," I roared as I kept my pace with him right behind me. With my heart racing and the appearance of numerous disturbing scenarios in my head, I ran into the library and leapt over the railing to get to the key cabinet. My hands were shaking with fear as I rummaged through the small box, knocking keys off the pegs in my haste. "Forget it, just grab all of them and go!"
Sensing my urgency, Stefan didn't argue and collected the other keys that I missed or knocked off onto the floor, and then followed after me. We were back upstairs in record time, trying one key after another as I tried to grab a hold on my sanity. After what felt like hours, we managed to burst through the door and I was kneeling beside Elena's bed within seconds.
I shook her roughly, noting with dismay the pallor of her skin and calling out her name loudly in hopes that she would respond, or even flash me an angry glare for interrupting her sleep, but nothing. She was unresponsive. "Get Meredith here, now!" I yelled over my shoulder even as I was feeling along her wrist for her pulse. Her skin felt clammy to the touch, and she didn't appear to be breathing.
"Dammit, Elena, tell me you're not dead!" I said under my breath as I pressed down on her pulse point on her wrist, almost sagging with relief when I felt her slow pulse. She was alive, but just barely.
"Check if she's breathing," Ric spoke urgently as he held his phone to an ear, obviously repeating the doctor's instructions over the phone. "If it's slower than twelve breaths per minute, then you'll have to help her to breathe so that enough oxygen gets into her lungs. Mer's on the way."
I nodded my understanding, and leaned down closer to place my ear near her mouth and nose, timing her breath intake. It was too slow for my liking, so I quickly lifted her from the bed and then lowered her onto the floor, getting her into position. Taking a deep breath, I then lowered my mouth to cover over hers, exhaling into it and watching her chest rise from the action.
I couldn't believe that it was only nine hours prior that I had my lips on hers, albeit for a totally different reason, but now I was doing it to save her life. I repeated the rescue breathing process, all the while praying that Mer would reach here soon, or that it was all a nightmare that I would wake up from at any moment. I heard Caroline sobbing silently somewhere behind me, but I didn't spare her a glance. Not when I was so close to losing control over my fear for this girl who meant more to me than my own life.
"Care, please go downstairs to wait for Meredith to arrive. Get her up here as soon as she does," I ordered the inconsolable blonde during a brief pause as I timed Elena's breathing again. In the event of the worst possible event that could potentially unfold here, I really didn't want Caroline to witness it.
She had been there for Elena every step of the way from the start; from discovering Elena in Lockwood's house after missing her birthday party, and therefore, saving her life. Then there was that time she had refused to give up on her best friend even when it seemed as if Elena had given up on us. She also opened up her home for her to stay at when she ran away from Lockwood, and she was there yesterday when we discovered Elena in the bathroom after her ordeal.
I just couldn't let Care watch in case her best friend died from an overdose, because this may be something that would be too traumatizing even for the normally jovial and optimistic blonde. I knew I would never recover from it.
Ric took over from me for a while, giving me time to catch my breath and watch worriedly as he kept her alive. My eyes drifted up from her prone body to search for her prescription medicine on the nightstand, but it was no longer there. I needed some answers, some clue as to what she had done to her body that she was now fighting for her life. She could have just as easily slit her wrists with that razor blade she'd been holding back at Lockwood's house immediately following her incident, but she didn't. What could possibly be worse now that made her decide to take her own life?
I found the missing bottle of painkillers hidden underneath her pillows on the bed. There were considerably less pills than before when I was forcibly ejected from her room last night, but there were still more than half a bottle left. That meant that as long as Meredith arrived with an antidote, Elena might have a fighting chance of surviving. Brushing Ric aside as I took my place beside Elena once again, I continued to do what I could and breathed life into the girl I love.
There was still hope, and I clung to that slim chance with everything I had left.
General POV
Caroline Forbes was a pragmatic person. She believed in the immediate cause and effect of things like how one person's action would directly result in a reaction from another, and then a ripple effect would occur, affecting everyone within range. She was also a practical person, and therefore didn't like to waste time beating about a bush when getting straight to the point seemed to be the fastest way to get the message across with little to no chance of a misunderstanding occurring.
Such was her philosophy in life at that moment when she hurried downstairs to wait for the doctor's arrival to save her friend. As luck would have it, Stefan was trailing behind her with a pale face, looking lost and fearful as he processed the severity of the situation upstairs.
"That-that was surreal and-and-and scary," he exclaimed with bewilderment as he went to stand beside his new friend. In his life, he had never been more afraid than when he was a young boy, left alone in the house after witnessing his mother taking a deadly tumble down the stairs. What just happened upstairs was a close second to that unforgettable experience. "When Damon brought Elena home yesterday and told me what happened, I expected that it might take some time before she recovered, but I didn't even think about whether she might fall apart completely, not to the extent of attempting suicide."
Caroline shook her head firmly as she gazed out the window, on the lookout for Dr. Fell's car. "The Elena I know would never do that. She would never do anything that drastic, no matter what catastrophe befalls her, and trust me on this; she has been through a lot. She's the strongest person I know and it is because of that stubborn strength of hers that I know that she wouldn't do this to herself."
She seemed so sure of her statement but Stefan was inclined to disagree. "But she's been raped by a guy she's known for years. Sometimes, people do unexpected things because they just can't deal with reality, you know?"
"Yes, and she had every opportunity to do that when she was left alone at the house after the attack," Caroline countered before taking a deep shuddering breath to steady herself. "Instead, she just chopped off her hair with a razor. I don't think that Elena meant to do this, to commit suicide. She's upset, even more than before. I-I think she's heartbroken."
Stefan looked confused at the idea, a frown marring his forehead. "Because of…her hair?"
"No, you idiot!" the blonde burst out in frustration as she rounded to face him, angry tears leaking from her eyes. "Seriously, what kind of a lawyer are you going to be if you don't even notice the truth right in front of you?! What do they even teach you in that college of yours? Do you walk around the house with blinders on or something?"
Taken aback at the ferocity in which she was glaring at him, Stefan took a quick step backwards, mentally scolding himself for not staying upstairs with the rescue duo instead. "Look, I know you're upset and worried out of your mind about Elena, but I really don't know what you're talking abo-"
"I'm talking about two people who are beyond in love with one another, but for some stupid, selfless and insane reason, they choose not to tell each other. Instead, one went back to her abusive boyfriend and got raped, while the other decided to drown himself in bourbon while the rape was unknowingly going on! And then later, while she was kissing him - maybe in search for comfort - he thought it would be a good idea to reject her because he thinks he's not good enough for her! Instead, the bourbon-drinking guy decides that his little brother deserves her instead, even if the brother has only known the girl for a day. One freaking day!" And so began the rant that would change the course of the future. Caroline's chest was heaving by the time she was done purging all her inner frustrations out at the situation.
The younger Salvatore blinked and stared at the girl in front of him as he mulled over everything that was disclosed, and then a look of understanding dawned on his face. "My brother and Elena are in love? With each other?" he clarified, appearing to be in deep thought. Mentally, he was going over the hours before the Christmas Eve party, recalling every single interaction between the two and his own conversation with Elena in his room. "Wait, didn't Damon quit drinking a while ago? When did he start drinking again?"
"The night of the party," Caroline answered dully, apparently having lost all the fight within her after that angry outburst. But somehow, she had room for one more snarky comment. "Or otherwise known as 'the-night-you've-royally-screwed-up-by-putting-tw o-and-two-together-and-getting-zero'. Do you even realize what you did when you 'assumed' that Damon and I were in a relationship and told Elena about it? And then, as a result of that assumption, you unintentionally made Elena rethink her entire decision about staying away from Mason Rapewood, causing her to go back to him and in turn, caused Damon to reunite with the bottle? The very same night you told him you were interested in Elena, aka the love of his life?"
Shame flashed across Stefan's features as he thought back to the night in question, remembering how happy he was as he danced with Elena and the relief he felt for reconnecting with his brother after years of harboring a grudge at Damon for their past. He also shared a connection with Elena, some kind of bond that he'd never felt with another girl before, and it made him delirious with joy to finally find someone that had that effect on him. He had no idea how Damon felt then, but now that the truth was laid bare by Caroline, he wondered how things got so out of hand.
"So, Damon's throwing away everything he's ever worked for, for Elena?"
To his surprise, Caroline shook her head mournfully. "No, he's throwing it all away for you, because he loves you and wants you to be happy, even if it comes at his own expense. He knows that you're interested in her, so he's taking himself out of the equation, never mind his own pain." Tears gathered in her eyes again as she turned her attention back to the window just as Meredith's car was pulling up into the driveway.
"I don't think even he knows how Elena feels about him. Hell, neither does Elena, for that matter. That girl's buried so deep in denial that she allowed herself to get beaten and attacked for it. What I do know is that she needs him more than she's ever needed anyone, especially now. If-I mean when she gets out of this alive, she can't afford to fall apart again. And neither can he."
With that final statement, she left Stefan's side without another word and hurried outside to meet the doctor.
Damon's POV (Oh, how I've missed you, Damon!)
I could only watch helplessly from the sidelines as Meredith and the two EMTs accompanying her worked on Elena. For the last fifteen minutes, Ric and I were taking turns, helping Elena breathe and keeping her oxygen levels up. She never regained consciousness, but at the same time, I was just grateful that her condition didn't worsen any further. As soon as Mer arrived, I quickly moved out of the way and allowed her to do her job.
As soon as she injected a dose of Narcan - an antidote to the narcotics currently in Elena's system, I held my breath fearfully, feeling the pinch in my chest as I waited for a sign of it working. The next few minutes were the longest I ever felt in my life. It usually takes two to three minutes for the medicine to start working, and I could only wait patiently as one of the EMTs resumed breathing into her mouth.
I didn't notice until then that Caroline and Stefan were both watching from the edge of the room, standing just next to the opened doorway. As the seconds ticked by, more and more tears were flowing freely from the red-nosed blonde and I was on the verge of falling to my knees and praying to the almighty God for some divine intervention, even if I had to offer a trade of my own life for hers.
As the three-minute mark passed without any change in her condition, I saw Meredith shooting Ric a look of frustrated desperation before her tortured eyes landed on mine and then flitting away quickly. I saw despair and a silent apology in that split second and it was enough to wrench an agonizing moan from deep within me. I fell to the floor in a defenseless heap right where I was standing, and shook away Ric's attempts to pull me back up again, my eyes focused on Elena's pale face.
Another injection went into her, but the hope inside me was fading fast. The more time passed without her opening her eyes, the colder I felt. Against my will, I slowly crawled over to where she was lying, never taking my eyes off of her still form. I was unaware that I was shaking, not even noticing my own shoulders wrecked with violent sobs. All I knew was that I was losing her, that despite everything I had done to try to help her, I still failed to save her from this fate.
I reached out a trembling hand to smooth an errant hair off her forehead and it was precisely at that moment when my skin touched hers that she suddenly gasped for air and struggled wildly against Meredith and the medical officer who was in the midst of giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
"No! Leave me alone!" Elena shouted, trying valiantly to push all three of us away from her.
Weak with relief at seeing her alive, breathing and talking, I tried to calm her down by holding her hands, and calling her name. "Elena. Elena, it's okay. You're okay now-"
"Don't you touch me. I can't stand it!" she bit out angrily at me, taking me by surprise at the bitterness in her voice. I sat there on the floor, stunned until Meredith started barking orders.
"She's getting withdrawal symptoms. Ric, I need some space. I have to make sure that she won't have a relapse once the effects of Narcan wear off. You," she snapped her head towards one of her two assistants, "get me her BP reading, now."
Still caught in a mixed state of confusion and relief, I felt Ric's arms wrapping around my torso, and then I was suddenly up on my feet and being led out of the room. The thought of putting up a fight to stay behind did cross my mind, but somehow my body wasn't cooperating. Before I knew it, I was seated on my own bed with my buddy next to me, peering at me with his 'I'm-sorry' look. It was weird how similar it was to his 'I'm-buzzed' look.
"Don't take it personally, Damon. It was her withdrawal talking, not her. She would never say that to you under normal circumstances. I mean, she did almost die," he said in an effort to console my devastated heart. It worked…for like half a second.
"Yeah, I know very well what happened. I was there the entire time, remember?"
It was my turn to be bitter, what with my emotions being dragged from one spectrum to the other and then to be practically yelled at and told that the woman I'd die for couldn't even stand to be touched by me. But I didn't blame her, not at all. I deserved every bit of her anger. I was the one who drove her to overdosing in the first place. "I'm fine, Ric. I'm just going to take a shower," I told him dismissively and he knew me well enough not to press the issue further.
With a nod, he left me alone, knowing that I needed some space to myself. Apparently my best friend knew me better than my own brother, because just as I was about to go into a full-blown pout, Stefan appeared on my doorway, hesitating slightly before he knocked on the doorframe.
I shook my head wearily and rubbed my palms over my face with a sigh. "Not now, Stef. I could use a long shower after the morning I've had."
"Yeah, well," he paused, appearing undecided if he should go or stay. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry….for what happened to Elena. I know it was hard to see her like that earlier. I'll leave you alone now," he muttered before he turned tail, closing the door softly behind him.
Now that I was finally alone with no other distracting thoughts, I allowed myself to fully feel the events of the morning, my mind replaying the entire scene in my head, starting from the time the door opened into the guest room and seeing the motionless Elena on the bed. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had started mourning my loss around the time that I sent Caroline downstairs to wait for Meredith. Physically, I was doing everything I could to save her, but deep, deep down, I was already imagining a future without her in it, and it seemed as bleak as it was empty.
Now that she was awake and most importantly, alive, I really didn't know how I ever thought that I could let her go and watch her be happy with anyone else, least of all my own brother. It seemed unfair and sad, that after all the trials and tribulations that we've both been through, we'd both still end up right back at square one.
The simple truth of the matter was that I was afraid. I was scared to lose her, but I was even more scared to want her. What if after everything, I still end up losing her again, not because of Lockwood or my brother, or for any other reason but my own doing? What if I lose her because I'm me, the brother who screws everything up with a single touch?
I sank backwards onto my cool sheets and let my eyes closed, repeating the words she had screamed at me, over and over again.
"Don't you touch me. I can't stand it!"
Maybe Elena was right. Maybe I should just stay away from her from now on and let Ric help her instead. Having made my decision, I pulled myself up and walked into my bathroom with a heavy heart, not knowing what the rest of the day would bring me.
***LAST SCENE, I PROMISE ***
I tried to stay away. Really, I did. The best laid plans are only as good as the one carrying them out, and since it's well, me, I just royally suck at all things Elena. I couldn't even stay away from her for her own good without screwing it up!
After a long shower and finishing up my daily ritual of making myself as presentable as possible, my feet automatically carried me to the room beside my own, only to walk in on Blondie sitting next to Elena on the bed with a pair of scissors in her hands.
She was giving a suicidal girl a haircut with a sharp pointy object mere inches from her face?! Good thing I walked in when I did.
The tiny brunette stiffened when she saw me approaching, alerting the blonde to turn around while holding a lock of brown hair in the other hand. "Oh hey, Damon," she greeted with a fake cheerful smile on her face. Underneath all that positivity was a girl who was scared shitless for what almost happened to her best friend.
"Doc asked me to make sure that Ms. Sleepy Sleeperson over here doesn't fall asleep again and to keep her talking. But now that you're here, you can keep her company. Umm, I just remembered that I had a..ahh…a thing to get to. At home. With my mom. We had a thing. Together," she finished lamely, not quite willing to make eye contact now that she was blatantly lying. "Umm, okay I'm gonna go, and you two carry on talking. I'm glad you're awake now, Elena," she said, reaching down to give her friend a parting hug before she gave me a little wave and left.
And now that I was alone with her, I didn't know what to say. So I just stood there, bouncing awkwardly on the balls of my feet, waiting.
Right on cue, Blondie poked her head back in again and solved my problem for me. "You're not talking! You two are in direct violation of the doctor's orders, ya know? I was about to start yawning outside from all the non-talking. Hey, maybe you can start off by addressing the elephant in the room, like that kiss you two shared, huh? Yeah, talk about that!"
Before I could even hiss at her to shut the hell up, Caroline made her disappearance once again, leaving behind a trail of destruction like the hurricane she was. I could only stare at Elena in horror while racking my brain for an appropriate response to that highly controversial subject.
But why was it, though? Would it do both of us any good if we pretended like it never happened? Should we add that to the list of things we were not allowed to talk about, like the very real sexual assault that she experienced yesterday? Maybe it was time to face the music and let the truth set us free.
That, or let the truth turn us into awkward morons who let the silence to drag on for far too long.
"Caroline's right, I think. We should talk about the kiss and everything else that happened since then," I blurted in a rush. There, it was out now. The massive elephant was in the room with us and its presence was too substantial to be ignored now.
"There's nothing to talk about. It's over, done with," Elena replied with a non-committal shrug.
I forgot who I was dealing with; Elena Gilbert was the queen of denial. Time for Plan B. "Stop doing that! Stop sweeping everything under the rug and pretend that things didn't happen because you don't want to deal with them. You did that with Mason, and look where it got you! You can't go through life with your head buried in the sand, Elena. The problems don't go away just because you choose to ignore them," I preached, moving closer to her as I surged on. "We kissed, Elena, and it was amazing and-and frankly, scary and confusing as hell but you have to know that it wasn't the right time for that to happen."
The problem with Plan B was that it required some hard-hitting truths that might end up with her being mad at me, and so far, that part of the plan was working perfectly.
"So you think that my kissing you is a problem, is that it?" she retorted angrily, her body in a defensive pose as she geared up for a fight. "I'm sorry that it's far beneath you to even consider kissing someone as damaged as I am, right? Oh wait, let me see if I remember correctly what you said before. Oh that's right, I'm dirty…and disgusting. I'm worthless, unlovable and broken."
I was shocked speechless at the words spewing from her lips, and could only watch motionlessly when two fat tears escaped from her eyes. "I'll be forever alone with no one to love, right? And what was that last one that you said? Oh yeah, nobody's going to love someone else's dirty…whore." Her voice broke at the last word, ending with a pain-filled whisper.
Did she really mean what she was saying? And for the record, I never uttered those words in my life! But If I didn't say them, then who-
"Did he-did Mason call you all those things when he-when he attacked you?"
A distraught whimper escaped from her in response to my question, and then she lifted her head up and brushed her tears away angrily. "No, you did. You said all those things to me at the cemetery, and you were standing next to Mason after he threw that pebble at us, and then I ran away into the fog and that's when I-" she stopped suddenly, her expression one of realization.
"When you woke up?"I finished for her. Now it made sense. "Was that the nightmare you were having last night? Because I can assure you, Elena, that I would never say those words to you, ever. It was just a dream, okay?"
I felt bad for her that she would so willingly believe everything that nightmare version of me said. It only proved how deeply insecure she was and how much Lockwood had messed with her self-confidence if her subconscious manifested itself in such a manner. She obviously took all of it to heart, too. No wonder she woke up with a panic attack.
However, it proved to be a challenge to convince Elena that it wasn't real. "You might not say the words out loud, but you were obviously thinking them. Why else would you have rejected me last night?"
At this point, I was about to tear my hair out with frustration. I wanted to shake her until the truth finally set in that she meant more to me than she realized. But how could I make that kind of declaration when I had just pointed out about the crappy timing? And what about Stefan? Could I afford to be selfish and ignore what he wanted?
In the battle of Stefan versus Elena, I had to choose the latter, at least at this moment. Distancing myself from Elena wasn't an option anymore, not when she was so eager to believe the worst of herself. In order to rebuild her confidence, I had to sacrifice my own pride and let her know exactly how much she meant to me and to the people around her.
"Come with me, Elena. I have something to show you," I said firmly, giving her no chance to argue as I pulled her from the bed and half-carried her to a large standing mirror next to the wardrobe. I stood behind her and forced her to face her own reflection as my hands held her in place. "Look at yourself in that mirror and tell me what you see."
She struggled against my grip, refusing to even lift up her head as she shook her head repeatedly. "No! What are you doing? Let go of me! You're hurting me!" she whimpered.
"I'm not hurting you any more than you're hurting yourself. And don't ask me to let you go, because I can't. God knows I've tried, many times, but I just can't," I admitted in a low, anguished voice, making it clear that I didn't mean it in a physical sense. She must have heard me because she had stopped trying to get away.
"Please, tell me what you see when you look into that mirror," I repeated, my voice gentling into a coax.
Elena finally raised her head to peer into the reflective glass, and then she broke down completely in my arms. "I see no one. I see a weakling, an orphan with nothing to live for, no one to be with. I see a failure, a waste of space. I'm a disappointment, Damon. It doesn't matter anymore because the two people who ever loved me are now dead. Nothing matters; I don't matter," came her distraught admission.
"That's not true because you matter to me," I declared passionately, noting how her eyes met mine in the reflection as she stared at me in disbelief. "To your best friend Caroline and some of the others, you're not nothing. In fact, to some of us, you're absolutely everything. You should have seen the worry and panic on everyone's faces in this house when we thought we had lost you. The idea that you'd attempt suicide because you'd rather die than to live and fight was the worst feeling in the world, Elena.
"You don't know how loved you are, do you? You may have lost your parents, but all of us, we're your family now. If you had died just now, I have no doubt that each and every one of us would have gone after Lockwood and killed him with our bare hands. Even Elijah, and we all know he's such a stickler for procedure and doing everything legally. Even he would have avenged your death on Mason for everything he put you through, especially for raping you," I finished emphatically in an attempt to force her to address that other issue as long as we were making so much progress.
She didn't approve. Her struggles renewed with vigor and this time, she managed to break free long enough to sink down onto the floor and covered her ears with her hands. "No! Don't use that word! I don't want to hear it," she moaned, rocking back and forth as she buried her head in her knees.
Once again, with the denial. If she were to fully heal from this, she just had to face facts. "Not saying the word out loud doesn't make it any less true, Elena. It happened, whether you want to admit it or not. You can't spend the rest of your life avoiding the truth, or let Mason get away with this. I know it's hard for you, and I don't mean to push you but it is what it is," I pressed on, crouching low beside her to raise her chin. "Listen to me, okay. You'll survive this, I know you will. And it's not just you, but me too. We're in this together, right? All you need to do now is to admit it, and the rest will be easier, I promise."
With a sob, she shook her head again, this time, raising her tear-filled eyes to gaze at me directly. "I can't admit that, because that would make him a r-rapist. And if he is one, then what does that make me? A victim?" Her expression seemed to be horror-filled at the thought. "I don't want to be a victim for the rest of my life, Damon. I can't. And I'm not suicidal, either. I-I don't want to die, not like this."
I was amazed, hearing that from her. I didn't expect the direction our entire confrontation had turned to, but I was glad that yet another pressing issue had been brought up. "So you weren't trying to go in your sleep? It was an accidental overdose?"
"I was just trying to sleep because I was in pain; from the bruises and also your rejection. I thought that everything you said in the dream was real and that was why you pushed me away," she admitted quietly, and then hastily continued when she saw that I was about to argue about the forbidden kiss again. "So I took more than I should, and when I woke up in the middle of the night, I took some more. I just wanted to sleep so that I could forget that yesterday ever happened. I never expected that I might never wake up again."
Well, at least that took a load off my shoulders. Knowing that even in her darkest hours, she wouldn't have made the choice to end her life was a comforting thought. Still, it didn't mean that she shouldn't be put under surveillance 24-7 just because she didn't commit suicide. She was a danger magnet, though the threat came mostly from a psycho ex-boyfriend and in the form of a few unsuspecting pills. Despite what happened between us the previous night, I still had to assure her that I would be there for her if she needed me, that she could trust me.
"Well, I'm glad that you're awake and alive, Elena. And please know that I would never think those negative thoughts about you, no matter what. And because I don't want you to crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of your life, I want you to promise me one thing, and in return I'll make you a promise of my own," I offered, seeing her natural curiosity taking over her previously woebegone expression.
"In exchange for your effort to try to talk about what happened back at the house yesterday and admitting the truth to yourself, I will make you a solemn vow. I'll stay away from alcohol from this moment onwards if you'll just promise to try."
I waited expectantly while she considered my deal, blinking her wide and scared doe eyes at me. I figured that the most important part of her recovery so far was about her ability to accept that she was sexually abused by Mason Lockwood. The other issues like our shared kiss and lack of confidence were secondary in importance. As long as she was willing to accept reality, she'd get angry enough to fight back.
My focus at this moment was to send that bastard to jail. As long as he was behind bars and doing time for his crimes, Elena was safe from him. That's all I wanted right now.
"I'll agree to that deal, but I just have this one question. What started this downward spiral? What could be so terrible that it would make you throw away years of sobriety?"
Oh, holy crap.
I just dug myself out of one hole only to fall face-first into yet another. Great, as if I wanted to spend the next hour talking about how much of a weakling I was for finding comfort in a bottle as soon as she went back to Mason.
Mister Foot, meet Mister Mouth. You two would be hanging around each other pretty frequently from now on.
Do you know my beta KRISTI (tukct81)? She's an extremely kind person for putting up with me through all this angst. She saved this chapter from the initial clusferfuck it was. She has also written a bunch of amazing DE stories. Check them out!
Major thank you to my medical advisor, Carol (scarlett2112) for her invaluable help on all things..umm…medical. YOU ROCK, girl! That's right! I called you girl! :D
Thanks also to my pre-reader Kim and for her advice regarding the ending of this chapter! From now on, you are my pompom girl!
My twitter: cgsa_cher in case you want to threaten me through another channel.
READ and REVIEW if you want happy times ahead. THANK YOU KINDLY! I'll do better in the next chapter, I promise!