Title: A Case of Déjà-vu

Chapter title: I Don't Want to Live Forever

Summary: Brandt's worst nightmare comes to life as he is forced to relive his demons when a kidnapping turns into a protection detail … and this time he is determined not to fail, no matter the cost.

Author's note: So this is the second-to-last chapter! Before we begin I would like to thank Guest, Acrylate and SPN4eva556 for reviewing on the last chapter! Thank you!

Now … enjoy! :)

Disclaimer: I do not own.

"With courage and hope, we can conquer our fears and do what we once believed impossible"

Ethan, Jane and Benji were all 20 yards away from the warehouse, weapons in hands, when it happened.

All they had thought about was arriving as fast as possible to help their friend and take down Antonio Giovianni for good and the blast was completely unexpected. The shockwave knocked the three IMF-agents down at once and covered them in dust.

Ethan got up first, coughing and blinking the sand out of his eyes. "Everyone alright?" he asked to his teammates, who were both beginning to stand up as well.

"What the hell just happened?" Benji asked in a high-pitched voice as he looked over the landscape.

Where the warehouse had just been, now only stood the main structure of the building and almost half of it had collapsed in some way. Debris from the blast had scattered all over place with the smallest of pieces still falling from the sky. Some of the wood that the warehouse had been made of were lying on top of each other and had small flames licking their surface only to extinguish seconds later by themselves. A thick cloud of black smoke was still rising towards the sky from the building, only getting thinner when it reached the 65 foot mark straight up in the air. A few men were crawling away from the blast site, some on shaky feet and others on all fours.

But the team paid no attention to them. Even if they got away, IMF would sniff them out later. Right now, they weren't important. What was important was that Brandt and Claire and maybe even Giovianni had been inside of that warehouse when it blew. Ethan tried to swallow the bad taste in his mouth but his now dry throat prevented it.

"You don't think Brandt was in there, do you?" Benji asked, quieter this time. He was afraid to think about what state the analyst and the small girl would be in if they had been in there, right in the blast zone.

"I don't know. We spread out and we try to find any clue as to where they are. We don't leave here until we find Brandt and Claire," Ethan instructed. "Not none of them, not one of them, both of them!"

An hour past of their searching and hadn't encountered any luck or success yet, despite their loud calling and intensive search. And doubt and pessimism had started to take over Ethan's mind. He would never voice it or admit to any other but himself, but he could feel the negative thoughts and horrifying what-ifs scenarios clouding his mind.

They still hadn't reached the center of the blast site yet because they used a meticulous and systematic approach. They scouted the outer area first, hoping that Brandt had tried to escape from one of the doors and just got caught up in the blast on the way out. But so far, they had no such luck. Which was why, the bad sensation was starting to outweigh the optimism.

They met only 35 feet from the center of the pile of rubble and all of them wore a similar beat down expressions. The layer of clouds that had formed during their fight had now departed and the sun was shining down on them and warming their faces.

"Any luck yet?" Ethan asked and placed his hands on his hips.

"Nothing yet," Jane answered and then made eye contact with the team leader. "Ethan, I don't think they made it out."

"We have to keep looking," Ethan encouraged. They started to depart to continue their search, but a sound disturbed them and froze all of them in their places, all of them ready to spring into action if needed.

The sound was of wooden boards scrambling against each other and then landing on the dusty, dry ground. A deep strained cough followed as a lumpy shadow rose from beneath the rubble.

"Ethan …" Benji warned. He was questioning what their course of action was going to be with this new development.

Ethan remained completely silent and waited until he could identify the figure. From what he could tell it was a man, maybe a large, bulky man. But as it got closer, Ethan's heart started to go faster. But it was in relief.

Because through the smoke, none other than agent Brandt staggered out, cradling Claire's small body close to his chest.

He was stumbling on the uneven ground and he seemed dazed and unsure of where he was and what he was doing. His clothes were torn and completely covered in dust and dirt while his face was full of blood and sod.

"Brandt!" Ethan called out, relieved, and ran the few steps towards his teammate with Jane and Benji right on his heels.

The analyst looked up at the sound of his name, though looking confused. When they got closer, Ethan could see that his eyes were bloodshot and kept shifting in and out of focus. There didn't seem to be a shred of lucidness to find.

In his tight arms, Claire appeared lifeless and still but her back was moving up and down in a steady and healthy rhythm.

"Brandt?" Ethan tryingly asked.

The analyst looked up from his haze. His eyes were full of pain and guilt, so much so that Ethan almost reared back by the amount of emotion in those bloodshot orbs.

"How about I take her for you?" Ethan gently said and was already starting to hand out his arms towards Claire. He had noticed how much Brandt was starting to sway. Hesitantly, Brandt handed her over.

"I got her," Jane was fast to bid in and took Claire from Ethan's embrace and cuddled her in her arms. There her eyes quickly scanned the small girl's body to any obvious injuries. Other than a tiny burn on her arm and small cuts on her face, she harmed relatively unharmed.

"I-uh … I tried to protect her," Brandt rasped. His voice was raw from the possible smoke inhalation and it was barely above a whisper. Ethan frowned in confusion. "I really did. But it wasn't enough. It was never enough."

"Brandt …" Hunt tried to bud in, but the analyst continued like he hadn't heard him.

"I'm sorry. I failed again. I tried and I failed …"

"Brandt." This time the team leader used a more firm voice, hoping this would bring Brandt out of his daze, but he simply continued as his voice grew more and more absent.

"She's dead. I killed her … again."

"Will!" This time Ethan yelled out his name and grabbed a hold of the analyst's arms with firm hands. It worked. Brandt looked up and looked more coherent and awake than before. He frowned as if he just realized Hunt was standing in front of him.

"She's alright. You hear me?" Ethan continued. "She's going to be fine. All thanks to you. You made it. You saved her. She is safe."

Brandt looked at him in disbelief and then it was like realization started to dawn upon him. His orbs darted away while he nodded slowly. A small flicker of relief flashed across his face before all color disappeared. He began swaying from side to side violently and his eyes rolled upwards into his head. Then his eyelids closed and he collapsed to the ground.

Ethan just managed to catch him before he hit the ground. "You did good, Brandt, alright? You did good."

He turned to Benji and Jane, who was still holding Claire. "Please tell me she's going to be okay?"

She nodded confidently. "She is."

"Good," Ethan sighed with relief and directed his attention back to the unconscious man in his arms. He looked like he had been through hell with his tired features, pale skin and filthy appearance. And based on what Ethan had just heard, he guessed that, that was exactly what had happened and then some. It had been Brandt's own personal nightmare.

Ethan just hoped that he could help the analyst pick up the obvious broken pieces when this was all over and that Brandt would let him do it.

Ethan walked through the white hospital halls with tired but firm steps.

He was still wearing the clothes he had been wearing through their escape from the safe house and had only bothered to put a little water in his face to clean away the worst of the dirt and blood. Jane and Benji were similar, as they were both in their black outfits. Jane had changed her shirt though and thrown the other one out as the blood and tearing had damaged the garment too severely. Currently, the two agents were curled up in chairs next to Brandt's bed, sleeping but still guarding the unconscious analyst.

Ethan himself had been there for awhile too but right now there was something he needed to tend to. He sneaked a peak into every room in the noisy hallway he passed by until he found the patient he was looking for. Before going in, he braced himself and tried to find his positive side, which, when he was exhausted, was hard to locate. But he found it and then pulled open the patient room door in the pediatric section of the hospital.

He walked in with a large smile on his face, seemingly growing bigger on its own when he spotted the small girl inside. Claire McGregor was sitting cross-legged in her bed, dressed in pink pajamas with small bears on it. She had a bandage wrapped around her arm and the small cuts on her face had been cleaned and were now healthy looking thin red lines. An IV line had been inserted in her tiny left hand. Opposite of her, sat her father. The gray-haired senator was smiling from ear to ear, which made the few wrinkles he had stand out on his face. But he had clear eyes with hints of tears in the corners that a happy child wouldn't notice, but Ethan did.

He moved towards the bed and sat down on the chair so he was closer to her eye-level. She was smiling at him, larger than he had seen her do before. "Hey, Claire. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," she answered, still a bit shy when she spoke. "How's Will?"

Ethan looked down on the floor as he contemplated how to answer. "He's, uhm, he's going to be just fine," he settled for answering. It was the most honest answer he had that held the most truth without frightening her.

"Can I see him?"

"You know, not right now. I think tomorrow would be better. Is that okay?" Ethan kindly smiled.

"Okay," Claire nodded. "I visit him tomorrow then. Is that okay, daddy?" she turned her head to her father, who had settled for just sitting and listening.

He smiled at her. "Of course, sweetie."

"I'm sure he would like that," Ethan said and placed a comforting hand on her arm. "Good to see you are feeling better."

He rose from the chair and started to walk towards the door. From behind him he heard a gentle mutter and sheets grinding against each other. The sound of "Agent Hunt!" stopped him in his tracks just as he made it out of the doorway. He turned around to come face to face with Senator McGregor. Now that he was closer to the man he could see the lines of exhaustion on his face.

"Senator, is there a problem?"

"No, no … uhm …" McGregor hesitantly said. He stopped himself and went in another direction. "I heard about your agent. Is he going to make it?"

"Eventually," the team leader simply answered.

"When he does … then tell him: 'thank you'." McGregor's eyes softened and showed the same amount of gratitude that his voice held. He bore the look of a relieved father. He extended his hand towards the IMF-agent.

"I will," Ethan promised and took the older man's hand.

"Thank you," McGregor repeated while they shook hands and Ethan felt the senator tightening his grip his message wouldn't be taken lightly. "To all of you. Thank you for bringing back my little girl."

"I can't take all the credit. But we are just doing our jobs."

Ethan quickly bid the man goodbye as he was growing anxious to go back to his analyst's hospital room. Now that he had seen that Claire was doing alright, he wanted nothing more than to see Brandt doing the same. And he knew the rest of his team felt the same way.

When he entered the dimly lit room, Benji was still sleeping on the plastic chair, a slight trickle of drool rolling down his chin from his mouth. Jane was awake though and was leaned back in her chair, looking lost in thought. But she turned her head towards the sound of Ethan's boots hitting the linoleum floor.

"Hey," she greeted silently, careful not to wake the sleeping technician or the unconscious patient.

"Hey. How's the arm?" Ethan nodded towards the bandaged limb that covered the graze wound.

"Working," she smirked slightly.

"And how's he?" he gestured to Brandt.

The analyst was lying completely motionless on the bed and with his pale color he almost blended in with the bed sheets he was entangled in. He, like Claire, had small cuts on his face there hadn't been done much to but unlike Claire, he also had a large gash on his forehead that had now been stitched up with butterfly stitches. Any other injuries he had sustained in the explosion were hidden under the hospital gown and bandages. They had just removed the oxygen mask that had been covering his nose and mouth and replaced it with a nasal cannula when he was able to breathe better on his own. A couple of thin wires ran from his chest under the blue gown to a heart monitor that was beeping steadily along and filling the otherwise silent room with a loud but hypnotic noise. He had small bags under his eyes and carried a strained expression on his face. It was tight and his brow was furrowed, almost like he was thinking too hard. Though he was asleep, it didn't look like he was resting at all.

Jane sighed at Ethan's question before answering. "The doctors say he's going to be fine, but it would probably be awhile before he wakes up."

Ethan just nodded. Nothing had changed since he left, then. So he decided to get comfortable and wait for Brandt to wake up, no matter how long it would take.

Brandt's whole body felt like it was floating. It felt like it was soaring freely around in clouds of darkness. To him, it formed an amusing paradox, because even though his body felt free and light, his mind was a completely different story.

Hauntingly dark memories assaulted his inner vision and cold claws held him in place every time he tried to escape them. He kept seeing Claire, limb, in front of him. The small girl who had trusted him with every fiber of her being that he had picked up in his arms. He had failed again. He had failed the IMF, Ethan, senator McGregor, himself … but most importantly, he had failed Claire. He had promised to return her to her father and keep her safe.

He wasn't sure how he was going to face Ethan. He had hoped he could have redeemed himself from his past failures with this new mission, but once again, all he got was confirmation that he should have just stayed away. It seemed like he couldn't do anything right anymore.

And he wondered if he could just stay where he was, trapped forever in this twisted paradox of freedom and pain.

But he found he couldn't. Because suddenly he wasn't flying anymore.

He was falling instead.

He felt how his body became heavier and connected with his mind. The first real thing he felt when he came to was the pain radiating from his body. It echoed in every corner and varied from a dull throb to a sharp stabbing pain. All of his limbs felt heavy and tired like he had been running for 24 hours straight. He could literally feel the exhaustion clinging on to his very being.

The next sense that came was sound. The most distinguished one was an annoyingly loud beeping noise. It popped up every few seconds like clockwork and if he had to identify it he would say it was sounded like a heart monitor. But with his muddled mind he couldn't be sure. If he strained himself he could also hear the faint sound of breathing, other than his own, which was rather loud even to his ears.

Then smell followed and Brandt quickly affirmed that he was in a hospital. He could recognize that distinguished smell anywhere.

He knew he had to open his eyes but he also knew that as soon as he did he had to face the failure. And he didn't think he was going to be ready for that. But he had to sooner or later.

He struggled to open his heavy eyelids and very slowly he pried his eyes open

TBC