I said this one was going to be shorter and I botched it.

I'm just going to be honest here, the inspiration for this whole fic is coming up next chapter. That redditor better be impressed with my dedication so help me god. If he's not, I may never take a Naruto prompt ever again.

That's, of course, a dramatic lie, but I put too much damn effort into what amounted as a 200-character reddit post.

"And how are we supposed to convince her to come with us?"

Naruto's eye twitched. He attempted to ignore the person walking with him, but they were very insistent. They took the stick of dango they were eating, stripped it clear of the treat in one bite, then used it to poke at his cheek.

"Hey, hey kid!" Anko Mitarashi asked. "How are we supposed to get her to come with us. You got a plan? Huh?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, then tried to walk a little faster. As Anko was older, and thus taller, she was able to easily outpace him.

"I know you can hear me," Anko continued. Her voice was like a wheedling insect, boring its way into his ears and rattling his brain. "Answer my question! The old man seems to believe you have a plan but you don't, do you?"

Naruto didn't answer. He felt his patience wearing thin but he decided to endure it. Answering Anko only led to more headaches.

"I don't know why you hate her so much," the Fox said. "She seems great, in an annoying kind of way. Kind of like you."

Naruto started to suck his teeth but stopped himself before he could. To show annoyance, weakness of any kind even if it wasn't directed to her, was like a death sentence to Anko. She would annoy you until the end of your days and likely follow you into the afterlife.

No, Naruto simply took a deep breath and responded to the Fox in his mind.

"She is nothing like me," he said. Naruto stopped, allowing Anko to skip her way around him before continuing his walk towards Tanzaku Gai. "I'm hyperactive, but at least I have plans in mind. Anko would blast off towards something with little more than a hunch and enthusiasm. She's the exact opposite of me."

The Fox hummed, but didn't say anything else, leaving Naruto to the tender mercies of his glorified babysitter.

"Hey, hey kid!" Anko called. For some reason, the woman was deathly allergic to shirts, always opting for an open trench coat draped over a fishnet onesie. She never showed anything, but she also never buttoned up her trench coat. This left an ample amount of… ampleness to bounce around while she darted around the boy. "Tell me the plan! I want to get the old hag, too!"

"We aren't getting anyone," Naruto finally said. He turned to his senior, only to see her hunched over to level herself with his eyes. Now that she was this close, he could see the way that her eyes turned slightly slit— a memento from her days training under her old master. "We're going to Tanzaku Gai, we're having a nice sit-down with her, and then we're convincing her to come back and heal Kakashi. Then she can go about her day."

Anko pouting, and it almost hurt Naruto to admit it, looked cute. The mania hidden just behind the woman's narrowed pupils destroyed that fact before it had much time to form, however.

"I somehow doubt that," she finally said. She held a hand to her chin as she scrutinized the blond. "You aren't known as the Prankster King of Konoha for nothing. You have to have something else up your sleeve."

Naruto stopped; surprise evident on his face. He stopped trying to get around Anko and stared at her. "I'm known as what?"

And now it was Anko's turn to be surprised. For a split second the woman was caught flat-footed for once, and then that open-mouthed shock turned into a devious smile that was so small it was barely there.

But Naruto still felt the chills going down his back.

"Oh~" Anko cooed. She moved forward, which caused Naruto, in turn, to take a step back. "Did you not know about your little moniker? I must say, it is impressive that you got one at just a Genin. Kudos to you."

Sweat dripped down the back of Naruto's neck, and though he was sure that Anko couldn't see it, he was hoping that she couldn't feel his nervousness. He messed up somewhere, and now Anko smelled blood.

"Prankster King of Konoha?" he asked. He chuckled, and against his better wishes he turned his eyes away. Never a good thing to do in front of Anko. You stared her down until she got bored. "Of course. I mean, someone as great as I? It was only a matter of time until I got the recognition I deserved."

Anko's small smile didn't disappear. Her lips parted a bit, and Naruto was forced to look at how shiny they were. A bit of her pointy fangs peeked through, showing through the small gap.

"I see," Anko cooed. She straightened out, then turned around and made her way down the path. Naruto, who was leading in the beginning, was forced to follow. "Well, let's see how deserving you are of that title."

Anko shook her hips as she walked, and it was possible to see it through the trench coat that hugged her form. Naruto shook his head as she sauntered away, then groaned mentally.

"I don't like this," Naruto said. "Is this the old man trying to get back at me?"

"Most likely," the Fox answered. "But try to endure. Once you get this over with, we'll be back to pranking the ANBU headquarters before next month."

Naruto nodded before hurrying off. Anko was, at the very least, not boring. But if he had to choose between being bored and being around Anko then he would have a hard time.

If Naruto was the Prankster King, then Anko was the Queen of Teasing. And that was a whole different kind of torture.

XxX

Tanzaku Gai was as anyone would expect. It wasn't one of the great villages, but it was still a bustling city, nonetheless. People crowded the busy streets, hawking wares and mingling amongst each other as they went about their days. Voices busied the air, making every conversation indistinct from one another and drowning out any means of organized civility.

Naruto's nose twitched as several different tantalizing scents wafted his way. If he could just focus, he could pick out the food that beckoned him with every breath—

"This place sucks," Anko moaned. She was draped over his shoulders, arms clasped in front of him as she all but collapsed onto his back. It was difficult to walk like this, and sure enough many people were giving them odd looks, but at least she wasn't stopping their progression anymore. "I can't sense any ninja around here!"

Naruto looked up to the rooftops. There were a few ninjas mingling up there, keeping a close eye on the going-ons of the town. If there was anything to happen, Naruto was sure that they'd jump down and sort it out. In a relatively small town like Tanzaku Gai, however, troublemakers were much less prevalent. Of course, there would be passing hooligans and the occasional missing ninja, but for the most part there weren't any real threats.

A strong ninja was forged in battle or competition. In times of peace a true battle was often scarce, and outside of a ninja village there wasn't much competition, either. So that left these ninjas who were basically squatting on rooftops. Their training probably amounted to learning how to stick to surfaces with chakra and not much else. They probably knew one or two jutsu, maybe one of them knew a fireball technique, but that was it.

Naruto hated to admit it, but Anko was right. These guys were basically civilians with training.

"If everything goes well, we won't be here for long," Naruto responded. He gently grabbed Anko by her wrists and pushed her arms off his shoulder. The woman obliged to his prodding, but Naruto knew it was only due to curiosity. Once she was completely off, he turned, eyeing her slit gray eyes carefully.

When most people looked at Anko Mitarashi they were looking at the wrong thing. A lech or some other lesser would take a look at her opened coat and end it there. Her flat stomach and generous bust were a treat for the eyes, even if they were merely distractions so she could gouge those same eyes out.

Better ninjas would look at her arms or her legs. It wasn't a secret who she trained under, and as such wasn't a secret as to how she fought. She could pull a weapon from anywhere; rip out your jugular with just the tips of her three fingers. A better ninja would ready themselves for any attack she could use and prepare from just the slightest twitch of her muscles.

But they were wrong, all of them. If you really, truly wanted to understand what Anko was going to do, you needed to look no further than her eyes. Grey orbs full of mischief and sadism stared fully into your soul and, unlike the rest of her, would never lie to you. Her open trench coat was a trap for the uninformed. Her arms and legs were riddled with false tells that drew attention away from her true attacks. But her eyes? Her eyes told you everything.

"You have a plan," she said, and Naruto was tempted to look at the way her lips quirked into that maniacal smile that she was known for. A little bit of fang showed through thin, barely parted lips. Her coat rustled in the wind as she bent forward to be eye level with him, and it took everything Naruto had not to pay attention to the cleavage that showed.

It was all a bait. All of it was a trick to get him to lower his guard. He would not do it. He was burned far too many times. He would not play with this snake-shaped flame again.

"No plan," he said. Close watch on those eyes. Anko was smiling, but they did not reach those two, slit orbs. What came out from them was, instead, a cold professionalism. She was picking him apart, looking for any weaknesses or traits to his personality. Naruto didn't know what her master taught her, but even subconsciously she was trying to dissect him. "Well, no plan beyond going in there and talking to her."

Naruto stopped in front of a casino. The paint on the walls was chipped and the windows were scratched. Couples, likely drunk ones, scrawled their initials into every bit of the glass, and now it was harder to see inside the decrepit place than had the windows just been dirty. The neon sign on top of the building was on, even though it was hard to see such a thing as the sun was still out. Inside, there was a rumble, something sounding like a table being broken, and people yelling.

That yelling soon died down when another table broke.

Anko looked at him. "Tsunade is in here?"

"I'm sure she is."

"And how can you tell?"

Another crash, and this time an entire roulette table came barreling out one of the walls. Both Naruto and Anko sidestepped it, then watched as the thing broke through the wall of the pachinko parlor across the street.

Naruto looked back at Anko. "Just a hunch," he said.

Anko feigned laughter, then rolled her eyes. Her sardonic laugh was only lessened by the fact that it was growing softer as she walked confidently through the hole that used to be a barely standing wall.

Naruto watched as she left, then sighed.

"I already knew that today was going to be long, I just never truly knew how long it was going to be."

"Stop complaining," the Fox replied. "Just stick to the plan. Stay calm and professional. Your kind respects those things, right?"

XxX

The way that Anko bounced made it seems as if her birthday, her vacation, and Free Dango Day all fell on the same week. Her smile split her face, and stars practically shone in her eyes as she stared unblinking at Tsunade Senju.

"If this is what you humans consider 'calm and professional' then maybe I was too harsh on you."

Tsunade, the last of the Senju and one of the strongest ninja of her generation, slumped over in her seat as she nursed what was likely to be a half empty bottle of soju. Her head was lolled back, rocking gently against the back of the cushioned seating she was in. In front of her there was a stump of what Naruto could only assume was the leg of the previously bolted down table.

"Did she… kick this off its hinges and break it at its base?" Naruto asked. He turned to the owners of the casino, shady gits in their own rights, and watched as they cowered at the mere question. They all collectively looked at Tsunade, then shivered when the old ninja moved.

"Fuckin' rigged," she slurred. The Slug Princess groaned as she moved about in her seat but did nothing else. Naruto walked up to her.

He then stopped, mere feet away. He knew that the old hag was blackout drunk—the emotion sensing from Kurama was telling him at least that much—but something in his ninja instincts was screaming at him that if he moved any closer, he was going to be in a world of pain.

"Isn't she cool?" Anko asked? Her voice was noticeably higher than normal. Naruto didn't think that the woman took her eyes off the nearly comatose Sannin since she first saw her. "I want to be just like her when I grow up!"

"Anko, you're like twenty-five. You're already grown up."

Anko snickered. "I meant when I'm an old hag like her! Look at her! Most kunoichi don't reach the age of thirty without kicking the bucket, and this old, dusty relic hit like, three hundred! And she's still black out drunk! Hahaha!"

Anko wasn't even bothering to sit down, instead choosing to cackle madly while pointing at their mission objective. So, Naruto decided to sit. When the Slug Princess didn't respond he kicked at her shin. He was expecting a punch or something, as would be a normal reaction from a seasoned ninja. Instead, he got garbled words and some drool from the corner of her mouth.

"This is your new idol, Anko?"

"Yes. I will fight you for my religion."

"Is her shirt even on correctly?"

"Is it?" the Snake mistress moved closer. Upon finding that Tsunade's shirt was, indeed, on backwards, she squealed. "It isn't! I love her! Can we keep her?"

And it was to that uproar of his frenzied companion that finally roused Tsunade from her slumber. She rose, eyes slowly trying to blink the drowsiness away, and stared.

"And the fuck are you two supposed to be?" she asked. Her words were slurred, and more fell out of her mouth than her actually saying it. She tried to rise from her position lounging, but she stumbled, the hand she was using to support herself slipping from the chair. She fell unceremoniously on her side but didn't seem to be bothered by it any.

Naruto looked to Anko. She looked as if she had found her new god.

"Anyway, it is nice to finally meet you, Senju-san. I am Naruto Uzumaki, a delegate of Konoha."

"There," the young blond thought. "Polite and respectful. That ought to do the job."

Tsunade, to her credit, managed to pull herself up. She stared at Naruto through half-lidded eyes before huffing. She brought her hand up to her head, letting out a pulsing wave of green chakra.

Her eyes seemed to focus immediately.

"So, the old man is sending children to do his dirty work? Did he expect to appeal to my motherly instincts? You can tell him that he's a couple years too late for that."

Naruto's smile didn't waver. Instead, he continued to stare impassively. Anko, however, cackled. Tsunade's eyes focused on her.

"You. I remember you. You're Orochimaru's brat."

Naruto tensed. Anko's laughter stopped immediately, replaced instead by an icy chill that froze even Naruto's bones.

"Let me use your chakra, Fox. Anko's glare might kill me otherwise."

"You're being a dramatic fool," Kurama replied. "But you're right. If looks could kill, she'd be a Tailed Beast."

"Excuse me?" Anko said. She phrased it like a question. It was anything but. "I'm not even kind of related to that bastard."

"Oh really?" Tsunade slurred. She wasn't as drunk as she was before, but there was obviously still something in her, if the rosiness of her cheeks was anything to go by. This begged the question, however, that if she could heal herself to sobriety, why only go halfway? "Because you feel exactly like him. Your chakra is all scaly and dark and disgusting. You could be a little mini-him."

Naruto realized what this was. This was provocation, an easy way to force emotions and situations to go your way. Tsunade wasn't even being subtle about it, attacking Anko where she knew it would hurt. It was no secret who Orochimaru's only apprentice was, nor was the fact that he was a traitor. Tsunade was baiting Anko, but why? Why the immediate aggression?

"It's not much of a secret. She wants you two to fly off the handle so that negotiations could break down."

"She could break down negotiations just as easily by breaking through the floor. Why taunt Anko?"

Anko, despite being so natural at teasing, was vulnerable to teasing herself. When she was in her element, there were very few that could resist her. Caught off guard as she was, though…

"Listen, old hag," Anko started. Her eyes narrowed, turning the slight thinning of her pupils into full on snake eyes. "I don't know what crawled up your ass and ate through your brain, but I am nothing like that parasitic, manipulative, pedophilic bitch. Understood?"

Tsunade smiled, and in that smile was a maliciousness so vile that Naruto visibly stepped back…

… and over the couch and into the corner of the room where the rest of the staff were hiding.

"Is that so?" the Slug Sannin asked. Her voice was like a touch of poisoned honey. "Because from what I see, you're walking around with a little child toy of your own. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Tsunade then laughed. "Nor does the snake move far from that forbidden apple."

Anko's explosion was both palpable and understandable. Snakes erupted from the sleeves of her jacket, and it was only the inclusion of the pathetic, and late, ninja guards of the village that stopped her from tearing into Tsunade then and there.

"What is going on, here?" Pathetic Ninja #1 asked. He wasn't even wearing any ninja gear, instead opting for some pants that were taped at the ankle and what Naruto could only assume was a uniform shirt for the patrolling ninja. "Who started this ruckus?"

Everyone looked at the Snake Sage. The well-endowed woman shrugged, then looked at the guard ninja. She didn't say anything, nothing at all, but from the way her perfectly golden eyebrow raised it wasn't hard to glean her intentions.

She caused the commotion, but there was also very little anyone in the town could do about it. If they wanted to try, however, they were more than able to.

The guard ninja, while pathetic, were not stupid.

"Well," Pathetic Ninja #2 said. She walked up and put a hand on #1's back, urging him behind her. The pathetic kunoichi mustered all the willpower in her body, then spoke again. "Accidents happen, don't they, Lady Tsunade?"

The older blond didn't respond, instead electing to retrieve the bottle she let fall from her hand. She knocked it back, draining the last of the alcohol from the glass, before nodding.

"Of course," #2 said. She was shaking so hard that it was possible for Naruto to see even from the other side of the room. "It appears as if another accident is about to happen. I can only ask that you move this one to a part of the town that won't suffer for it."

Tsunade smirked. Her cheeks were still rosy, showing her inebriation, but she managed to point at Anko. The Snake jonin didn't acknowledge the Pathetic squad when they entered, and it seemed as if she was barely aware of their existence at all. All of her attention, and thus her anger, was focused on Tsunade and Tsunade alone. That kind of focus would stop a lesser man's heart.

Tsunade Senju was not a lesser man.

"I'm willing to relocate if she is?" Tsunade slurred. Anko all but growled.

"I can beat your skull in no matter the destination."

"Oh?" Tsunade asked. "Well, that's interesting. How about we fight in the fields overlooking this town, then? Lots of open space, and very few reasons for you to blame your ass beating on something else."

Anko moved to accept, Naruto moved to stop her. He was not successful. A snake slithered out of the back of Anko's robe and restrained him.

"You know, this one is kind of cute."

"I thought you hated snakes," Naruto stated. The constrictor, wrapped around his arms and pinning them to his body, hissed.

"I don't hate snakes," the Fox replied. "I think they taste rather well, actually. I just hate the chakra of the creep that rears them."

"You, me, death match, granny."

Tsunade's smile was predatory. Judging from the vein bulging on her temple, she wasn't as immune to Anko's proclamations as she seemed.

"I can only see this ending badly," Naruto sighed.

"So it'll be interesting!"

XxX

Anko and Tsunade stood across from each other, their eyes locked on their respective opponent. The wind blew, rustling both the grass and their hair.

Naruto stood just off to the side. He stood awkwardly as he watched them.

"This isn't going to end well," he said.

"For Anko?" the Fox asked. "Oh, no. She's going to get destroyed."

"No, you idiot," Naruto said. He scowled. "This isn't going to end well for me. When Anko loses she's going to bother me for days. It'll take at least three days to get back to Konoha if we don't run, and I'll have to be annoyed for all of it."

The two woman continued to stare at each other—Anko's glare to Tsunade's smug stare. They looked at him, and Naruto was forced to comply.

He raised his hand. "This match between Tsunade Senju and Anko Mitarashi will begin on my countdown. Winner is on first knockdown. Are you ready?"

Both combatants nodded. Naruto sighed.

He counted down, then dropped his hand.

The fight started.

XxX

"That cheating, bastard, bitch," Anko cursed. She held an ice pack to her cheek, trying her best to reduce the swelling there. "Who told her that she could just heal everything? I can't heal everything!"

Naruto nodded, then reached for another ice pack. He held it out to her as she ranted, then calmly took the melted one as Anko switched them out. The snake woman sighed, the sound as content as possible, before falling back into her rant.

"And that strength! She shouldn't be that strong and have the ability to heal!"

Naruto got a beer from the fridge. He tossed it behind his back to where he knew Anko to be and let the sound of the can hitting against her hand confirm that he aimed it right. He retrieved his own drink, a can of orange juice, and sat on the bed in their hotel room.

"She's older than we are. It makes sense that she's accumulated some strength." Naruto cracked open the can, before taking a sip of it. It was a local blend, and the people of Tanzaku Gai saw fit to carbonate it. It wasn't the best thing he'd ever had, but it wasn't unpleasant. "Plus, she was super talented when she was our age, too. She was always going to beat you."

Anko's scowl was petulant, nothing like it was earlier. Her anger seemed to be beaten out of her by Tsunade, who royally spanked the Special Jonin.

"It would have gone differently if you helped…" she pouted. She cracked open her beer and took a big swig. She winced, as she had to move her swollen cheek, but that didn't stop her from continuing to drink. After a few seconds of drinking, she stopped for breath. "With your pranks and my skill, we could have destroyed her!"

Naruto sighed, an action that was consistent when you hung with Anko, and stood. He walked over to the older woman and plucked her forehead. Had she been in a better state, Naruto would have likely gotten his fingers bitten off. As it was, Anko could only pout.

"There are two reasons why that wouldn't have worked," he said. He held up a finger, which Anko looked at as if she wanted nothing more than to bite it. "One, because my best pranks take time and effort to be used offensively. Even if I used some of my faster tricks, none of them would have been able to stop Tsunade Senju. Some of my best ones could barely slow down Kakashi."

Anko huffed, but didn't argue. She put the can to her mouth and sipped at it.

Naruto put up his other finger. "The second reason lies in the results. A good prank is only good if it brings about the desired results. Even if I made up an insanely lethal attack that could break through Tsunade's thick skin, she could likely recover from it. Face it, Anko, even if we led her into a perfectly trapped area we likely wouldn't have won."

This was a fact that Anko knew well. She was just being petulant, and they both knew it. After the smackdown that Tsunade gave her, Naruto couldn't blame the woman. It was a slaughter.

"So what do we do?" Anko asked. From her place on the floor, cross-legged and in pajamas, Naruto had to admit she looked cute. He rose to his full height and rubbed at her hair. It was remarkably less spiky after her post-beatdown shower. "You said you had a plan, right? There's no way that you thought you could win her over by asking."

"I could've," Naruto said. He punctuated his words with a glare that Anko had the decency to appear sheepish towards. "But someone felt the need to rise to her bait! Now that avenue is out the window no matter how hard we try. We have to move to our plan B."

"Plan B?" Anko asked. A little bit of excitement returned to her face. "We have a plan B? Do tell!"

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Why are you getting so worked up? It's the same thing it always is— we're gonna prank her."

Anko pulled back. She was on her knees, practically crawling before he started speaking. "What? But you said that pranking wouldn't work!"

Naruto reached to pluck her again, and the racy snake pulled back. Satisfied with her compliance, Naruto continued.

"No, I said that pranks wouldn't work to achieve the result that you were looking for. I can't craft a prank from my wildest imaginations that could beat Tsunade Senju in a fight." Naruto then smirked, the action sending chills down Anko's spine. "But I can craft some pranks to beat Tsunade Senju."

Despite the now chattering of her teeth, Anko felt the need to ask. "What… what's the difference?"

"Simple," Naruto said. "In one instance we're trying to overcome her skill. In another, we're trying to overcome her will."

XxX

Shizune Kato was Tsunade's apprentice. She was adopted by the Sannin after her older brother died, though whether out of obligation or need was something that the young woman was never able to figure out. Either way, Tsunade looked after her as if she were her own daughter—training her and feeding her and clothing her.

All things considered, Shizune owed Tsunade a lot. Without her older brother, Shizune had nowhere else to go. She vowed that she would pay the Sannin back however she could. She never expected to pay her back so soon, however.

"Shishou, you shouldn't leave empty bottles around. It's disgusting and dangerous!"

Shizune picked up the bottle, one of many, and shoved it into a large, clear recycling bag. When her teacher didn't make a move she stomped her foot. "As a Sannin, you should be acting more in line with your position!"

"A Sannin isn't a position, Shizune. It's a stupid title given by a stupid old man." Tsunade then reached for another bottle. Shizune scowled, then moved with all of her ninja speed to snatch it from her teacher. Had Tsunade been any more sober, she would have been able to stop her. As it was, she was unable to.

"It's still a title that garners respect. You're a respectable person, shishou. You should act like it."

Tsunade waved off her concerns. She reached behind her and grabbed at another bottle, one that Shizune hadn't realized was there.

"Titles are meaningless dribble made up by the egotistic. It's a man's trait if anything."

Shizune stopped her cleaning, then turned. Her teacher was still lounging.

"Information is plentiful and your greatest weapon. You taught me that, shishou. A title gives you information on your enemies and information is power."

"It sounds like titles are liabilities."

"They're liabilities given to those who could afford them." Shizune stuffed another bottle into the bag. The sheer amount of them was insane. She knew that her master drank a lot, but this was far more than should have been drinkable in the amount of time that she was gone. "Have you ever seen a person with a title that didn't deserve it?"

Tsunade snorted. She took another swig of her sake, and it wasn't the first time that Shizune wondered as to how her master so casually drank such swill.

"There is one," Tsunade started, "though I'm sure that it was made up. It's such a ridiculous name that I'm sure that it was a fancy little moniker made up by the boy."

Shizune frowned, though that didn't stop her from cleaning. No matter how many bottles she cleaned, she just seemed to always find more. The bag she was using was nearly full, and yet the room didn't look any cleaner.

"What was the moniker?" Shizune asked. Tsunade snorted once more.

"The Prankster King of Konoha," the Sannin repeated. "Some young upstart I fought today kept calling it out as she fought me. Didn't start until after I started beating her into the ground, though she seemed convinced that he could help her."

The bottles clattered as they fell from Shizune's hand. She turned to her master and saw that the woman still looked so calm. She then turned back to the room. A horrible realization dawned on her.

The room was just as messy as when she started.

"Shishou," Shizune started. Her voice was low, impossibly so, but only the two of them were in the room. With ninjas as skilled as they were, they could hear a whisper as loud as a scream in such a quiet area. "Can you repeat that name?"

"The kid's moniker?" Tsunade asked, still wholly oblivious to the fear permeating every bit of her disciple. "The Prankster King of Konoha?" Tsunade barked out a laugh. Shizune would have berated her for how unladylike it was, but she was currently frozen in a mind-numbing amount of fear. "It even sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?"

Shizune, meanwhile, had started to drown out her mentor's words. Instead of paying attention to the blond, she was paying attention to the walls. Were they the same color they were yesterday? The same height and width? Were the paintings in the same place? Were the beds?

"Master," Shizune started. "I know that you haven't been too up to date on news concerning our hometown, but you can't tell me that you've never heard of the Prankster King."

"You mean that it's an actual thing?" Tsunade barked out another laugh. "It seems like they'll give a nickname to anyone these days."

Shizune noted her mentor's words, but her focus was dedicated elsewhere. Were their clothes in the same place they left them? Their hairbrushes? Their toiletries? "Forgive my rudeness, master, but focus! The Prankster King of Konoha. It doesn't ring any bells?"

"None," Tsunade answered. "It sounds like the name a precocious kid would make up to make themselves sound more important than they actually are." Tsunade turned to her disciple. Shizune was sweating, her eyes darting around the room as if there were some great danger hidden within its walls. "Shizune, what's wrong?"

Shizune didn't answer, at least, not with words. She moved to window and tried to open it. Fortunately, it complied. "What's the last bit of news you heard from the Hidden Leaf, master?"

Tsunade, reasonably confused, answered as best she could. "I heard that Hatake kid bit the bullet. The Silver Fang, I believe they called him? Did himself in over something or another. Why?"

Shizune had moved to the bathroom. She opened the door and all but threw her hand at the lights. When they came on she scanned the room as if a robot, paying attention to every small detail. When she couldn't find anything out of place she retreated from the room, though she didn't turn out the lights or close the door.

It was better that she had vision on everything.

"The Prankster King of Konoha is something of a boogeyman within the walls of Konoha," Shizune said. She looked at the bottles, though this time she saw something more than refuse left behind from her errant and irresponsible master. She kicked at one of the bottles at scowled at the way it didn't echo like an empty bottle should. "You really don't remember anything about him?"

Tsunade frowned, and Shizune had to wonder at how such a reaction was both so natural and so wholly underplayed for the severity of their situation.

"No," the Sannin eventually said. "I haven't. And honestly, neither should you. I thought I made a rule about anything Konoha: we have nothing to do with them. Not even their news. Have you been going behind my back, Shizune?"

"More like the news has been sneaking into my ears." Shizune then turned. Her face was serious as she eyed the Sannin. "What did Naruto Uzumaki want with you?"

"You know the brat?" Tsunade asked. She sat up in her chair. Shizune noticed the way that the liquid in her bottle fizzled as if it were a carbonated drink. She moved towards the open window. "Is he really that famous?"

"What did he want, shishou?"

Tsunade shrugged. She prepared to take another sip of her alcohol, only for Shizune to tip it away. Tsunade raised an eyebrow but didn't object. Shizune wasn't taking it away, so she wouldn't protest.

"He wanted me to return to Konoha."

"And you accepted?"

Tsunade snorted. "Of course not."

Shizune nodded. She removed her hand from Tsunade's bottle and continued to the window. She leaned on the open sill and watched as her mentor drank.

"I'll be back in a couple of days," she said. Tsunade chuckled. Shizune allowed her to. She slipped out the window, not looking back once.

Tsunade, in the throes of her alcohol, only just started to notice that her sake didn't taste like it was supposed to. She took the thing from her lips and stared into the open mouth.

"Is this ginger ale?" she asked.

She didn't get a chance to answer, as the many fake discarded bottles exploded into fizz and sugary hell.

XxX

"A bargain," Shizune said. She was sat on her knees before the almighty vision of evil that sat haughtily in front of her. Naruto stared down at her, the Third Hokage's crystal ball balanced on the tip of his fingers. Reflected in the glass was the tormented visage of the Slug Sannin. She roared to the sky, her hair covered in fizz and matted with sugar.

"I'm listening," the blond tyrant said. Behind him, Anko was lounging, staring at the boy as if he were some sort of miracle maker. "Though I would recommend you hurrying up. I'm not sure your mentor's patience will last much longer."

He brought the crystal ball down to eye level, and sure enough Tsunade was fuming. Shizune could see the vein on her forehead begin to bulge, and if it grew any larger there would be a rampage.

Shizune looked back at Naruto. He seemed to understand the situation perfectly, and yet he didn't seem at all concerned about it.

"We will come with you back to Konoha. No longer than five days. Five days back in Konoha, and that's it. In return, you'll release all of your pranks."

Naruto seemed to contemplate the idea. Then he turned and pressed a button. The fizzy cloud that was even now bubbling out of the room stopped.

Then caught on fire.

The crystal ball could transmit sound, but they heard Tsunade's scream in real time, even though they were miles away.

Shizune stared at the blond. Her eyes sharpened, but Naruto once again seemed unperturbed.

"I don't think you have the capability to do such a thing," Naruto said. "Tsunade is stubborn. She would listen to you over others, but I don't think even you could convince her."

"She'll resist you on principle. You can't annoy her into obeying you."

"True," Naruto said. A smile, wicked as a fox's, graced his face. "But that was never my objective. Tsunade's legendary will isn't what I'm trying to best. It's yours. How long can you endure seeing your mentor be tormented?"

Shizune's glare intensified. "I already gave in."

"For five days. I need her for longer."

"How long?"

Naruto held up a hand. His fingers splayed out. "Five months. No more."

"That's absurd."

"That's my condition."

"Your pranks can't last forever."

Naruto leaned forward. He didn't say a thing, but he didn't need to. He did something that terrified Shizune to the roots of her hair.

He laughed.

XxX

Day one was simply fizz and bubbles. Besides the sake trick, nothing else happened.

Then day two happened, and Tsunade felt like dying. Every drop of alcohol that could be purchased was made unavailable in the entirety of Tanzaku Gai. The liquor stores were all closed for some reason. The supermarkets were all sold out. The restaurants were all dry, and so were the casinos.

It was a literal hell on earth.

"What do you mean that you're out?" Tsunade asked. Well, more roared, really. Her chakra was leaking out of her in waves, visibly distorting the air around her. "That's impossible. You're a damn bar."

The poor bar owner trembled under her might. He looked like he wanted nothing more than to give her what she wanted, but he simply did not have it. "I-I don't know, ma'am. When I came in this morning to start the day, all of my alcohol was simply missing!"

Tsunade growled, then shoved her way inside the building. Her eyes roamed every square inch of the establishment, only for her worst fears to be realized.

There was truly no alcohol in the place.

Tsunade dropped to her knees and wept.

XxX

"This is cruel and unreasonable torture."

"I don't think that's the term."

Shizune continued watching her master through the crystal ball. She responded without turning her gaze away. "There's nothing unusual about this. This is a perfectly understandable torture. Just unreasonable."

"I think it's perfectly reasonable," Anko said. At some point she had went out to get some popcorn and was now snacking happily away at it while watching Tsunade run around. "Can we keep it all, by the way?"

Naruto turned to the half of the room stacked high with pilfered alcoholic beverages.

"No."

XxX

Day three was no better than day two. Tsunade was in withdrawal, but this wasn't the first time that she was without alcohol for at least a day. All she had to do was find Shizune and head to the next town. There was no way in hell that little blond brat had managed to drain there of booze as well.

And where the hell was Shizune?

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but travel to and from the city has been temporarily banned."

Tsunade's eye twitched, but she managed to keep her temper under control, if barely. "And why is travel banned?"

The ninja guarding the exit from the city was no moron. He knew full well of Tsunade of the Sannin. This being said, he still had a job to do, and as such prevented himself from fainting. "Well… there was a quarantine order from up top…"

"Your town is situated in the middle of fuck all and nowhere. Who the hell is the person up top?"

"Ma'am, I just work here. I don't make the rules."

Tsunade screamed as she made her way back into the village.

XxX

"Wait, why isn't she blasting her way out?" Anko asked. She had brought more popcorn and was now sharing it between the three of them. She popped open a bottle of tequila and sipped at it while staying enraptured at what was playing out on the screen.

Naruto and Shizune looked at one another. A silent consensus passed between the two before they both nodded. Apparently, it was decided that Shizune would answer that question.

"For all of her bluster, my master can't actually… harm… anyone. She's already teetering on the edge of being a missing ninja as is. If she steps too far out of line, she can be recalled forcibly or branded a missing ninja by the other Great Villages."

Anko screamed. Her popcorn flew out of her hand. "Then what happened with me?"

"You challenged her first," Naruto answered. He continued snacking on his popcorn. "At that point it was self-defense."

XxX

Day four. The alcohol drought was wearing away at Tsunade's nerves. A full 72 hours of sobriety was not something that she was used to. She constantly paced her new hotel room, eyes roaming to every nook and cranny looking for two things: something to get blasted on and something trying to blast her.

"The Prankster King of Konoha?" the woman said, her voice mocking but also so very shaky. "More like the Prankster King of Cowards. Where are you, you insufferable little rat? Come out and fight me like a man!"

Tsunade screamed her words to the walls, only to hear them bounce back and hit her. She turned relentlessly, looking for any sign of an answer.

None came, and thus she was forced to continue looking.

The quarantine was still going on, and none of the alcohol returned. None was coming into the village because of the quarantine, and no one could leave to go get some.

This was truly hell for Tsunade Senju. And then her room went up in fizz once more.

XxX

"Really?" Shizune asked. She popped another kernel into her mouth. Three straight days of just salty, choleric popcorn was certainly not good for her, but it made for an entertaining better half of a week. "A repeat joke? Things get less funny if you do them again."

"It's been four days," Naruto responded. "I'm allowed to air out that one again."

Over in the corner of the room, Anko had laughed herself back to sleep.

XxX

By the fifth day even Naruto had enough fun. Beating up a poor, defenseless force of nature was only fun for as long as they resisted. By now, Tsunade was little more than a lifeless husk sitting in the middle of her sticky, carbonated room.

"Do you give?" Naruto asked. He looked down on his elder where she lay nearly comatose on the floor of her hotel room.

"N-never," Tsunade responded. There was very little life left in her, now, but there was still fire enough there to resist. Shizune was right, she would resist until the last bit of fight was burned out of her.

But then again, that was why he had brough Shizune.

"Master," the traitorous disciple began. She walked into the room, only to be hit by what could have potentially been a glare had Tsunade had any bit of strength left in her. "I think we should consider their offer."

"I… am not… going back…"

"You don't have to stay!" Shizune pleaded. "Five… no… four months! That's all!"

"That's a third of the year!"

"But it's not forever!"

The two went back and forth, quibbling like a married couple, and after three minutes Naruto had had enough.

"Alright, look. I didn't want it to come to this, but here we are. You have two options here, Tsunade. Refuse us, and continue wallowing in despair for as long as it amuses me, or come with us and stay at Konoha for five months."

Naruto glared at Shizune, who had the decency to wince.

"N-never," the Sannin whimpered. "I… never… want to return."

"Then don't," Naruto said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a scroll. "Step foot in the village for me, do what I am hiring you to do, and never experience a single second of the wretched place."

"And how do I do that?" the elder blond asked. Naruto smiled.

"Simple. In my hand, in this scroll, there is the entirety of Tanzaku Gai's alcohol supply. This is enough to keep even the hardiest sailor blitzed for months. Stay in Konoha for as long as you can stay floating and only visit sobriety when we need you. How does that sound?"

Tsunade looked at the scroll, and for the first time a look of contemplation dawned in her eyes.

"Shishou, no," Shizune pleaded.

XxX

"Tsunade, yes," the Slug Sannin chirped. Her cheeked were flushed as she literally open the gates of the village. The gates were over five stories tall and several feet of the sturdiest, heaviest wood in the world. They groaned under her drunken assault. "Watch out, you Leaf fuckers! Your princess has returned!"

Shizune whined as she chased after her master. Truly, this was a disastrous day for the Hidden Leaf Village.

"Do you smell that, Anko?" Naruto asked. He placed his hands on his hips, posing as if he had just conquered the world.

Anko sniffed the air. "All I smell is a hangover and sadness."

"That too!" Naruto chirped. "But, even more than that, I smell a mission well done, and a criminal history wiped clean!"