Lost in Paradise, L' L' Emigrante, Not Enough, Whole Playlist, I Don't Believe You.

I had a spoiler up here about Lovino and I don't know why I did that. Silly me.

The Gay Brother

Warm Kisses and Cold Water

There were only two people Feliciano had kissed in his life. As in, two people he had really kissed. Friends didn't count: those were kisses on cheeks and arms around shoulders, not the same thing. And family didn't count either, those were bumps on the nose and pinched cheeks with laughter.

There were only two people Feliciano had actually approached and kissed. One of them was Ludwig, the man whose love had cost him his family. The other was Alice Valenti, the woman he'd been told from childhood would one day be his wife.

Tonight was the first time in over twenty years that Feliciano wondered if Alice had ever even wanted him to begin with. What struck him was the reaction at her front door, because when Lovino pulled them in through the centuries old gate in the stone wall surrounding the converted villa and farm house, Feliciano thought he saw two people standing under the trellis shading the small garden around the side of the main house. When he looked again there was only one very tense brunette: his sister-in-law.

So at least he knew Lovino had called ahead to warn the household about his arrival. He couldn't say whether that made the biting tension in his gut that much stronger or a bit easier to bear though, because by the time his brother turned off the car engine, Carlino was already chuckling under his breath about the woman storming towards them.

If you wanted to describe Chiara Vante- well, Chiara Vargas now, then you had to make a very fast distinction: did you want to describe her looks, or herself? If you were thinking of the flesh and blood woman then the first word was always tiny, followed by beautiful, or gorgeous, or even ravishing: even he could see that clear as day. She was the sort of small woman who looked like someone had taken the usual mold and scaled it down to create her, narrow shoulders and slender arms, her sun-kissed skin was a bit lighter than Lovino's dark complexion, but not by much. She had long, dark, tousled Arabian hair that was as untamed under the Italian sun now as it had ever been when they were children, one pink ribbon behind her ears and over her head struggling to contain the wild beauty.

But if you wanted to describe the mind hiding behind honey brown eyes and rosebud lips, Feliciano's gut almost always screamed "scary". The flattering words were passionate, protective, and vibrant. She was not a woman to sit quietly on her hands and pout her lips for attention, but walk straight up to you and say exactly what was on her mind. It was charming when she was calm and terrifying when she was angry, and Feliciano felt the very strong need to hide behind his little brother as the three of them climbed out of the car.

"You!" Maybe her voice would be good for singing, but usually she was yelling. "You're late, and you said you would call again when you were close!" So thank God she turned on Lovino instead, storming up to him with her little hands pumping back and forth inside a white cotton blouse that left her shoulders and arms bare. She was wearing khaki pants that came half-way down her calves, simple sandals over her feet as she stomped over the gravel path and kicked up dust in her wake. If he judged her right then Feliciano wasn't even sure Chiara had seen him, she had one hand up and pointing accusingly at his brother as she let loose on him. "You said you'd be gone all week and now you're back on a Wednesday? Did you get sick, or does his German wife just not know how to cook for you?"

"Hello to you too, Chichi." It was common knowledge that Lovino was an asshole with a bad temper, Feliciano loved his brother but he couldn't try to deny such a simple fact. So watching him just smile at the harping comments and drag his wife into his arms for a kiss, one hand sliding around her tiny waist and the other tilting her delicate head back- well, it wasn't what he usually thought of first. Feliciano was surprised, and Carlino made a hacking noise next to him.

"What are you, thirteen?" Nudging his little brother to get the teen to roll his tongue back up in his mouth, Carlino's grinning presence was what distracted Feliciano from the biting fear chomping away at his insides again. What was he supposed to say? What should he do? Kiss her hand? Shake it? Go for a hu- oh God no, not a hug, anything but that unless she made the first move. And what about her sister? Her mother? And what about-?

"Carlino?"

"What?" Oh, there were so many stupid things he should have asked on the highway. Leaning in close to whisper the horrible question in his brother's ear, Feliciano couldn't help himself from flinching a little.

"When were they married?" It had to have been recently, right? Lovino hadn't been wearing the wedding ring the last time they'd met back in October. Feliciano just had to ignore the fact that he hadn't been told, he had to let it run like cold water down his back and forget about it. If only the confused look Carlino put on hadn't slowly melded into something that looked hurt…

"…Just before Christmas." So… two months after Lovino's visit? That soon, it- "You said you couldn't come." But he- oh…

"Right…" Right. It wasn't worth it to ask if he'd sent a pretend wedding gift or not. He remembered Lovino looking through some of the gallery's paintings and taking a more affordable one home with him despite knowing nothing about art, so that was probably the reason why.

He wasn't allowed to be upset by this, not right now anyways. He'd known what coming home would mean and, well, there would be a lot more of this to come. He put on his smile and hummed a little nonsense sound, trying to distract his little brother's disappointment before he heard his sister-in-law address him.

"You look well, Feliciano." Chiara's voice was civil, which was exactly what he should have expected and he felt awful for imagining anything less. He'd wronged her family, but it would have been below her to treat him horribly for it three years after the fact.

"It's good to see you again, Chiara. I'm sorry about the short notice." What did surprise him that when he looked back in the couple's direction, Lovino was hardly touching his wife. There was one hand he assumed was up on the middle of her back, the other one sitting in his pocket now while he watched the exchange closely. Chiara had her arms folded under her chest, brown eyes scanning Feliciano up and down sharply before she huffed a little, as if dismissing him. She looked over at Carlino instead, daring to crack a smile that eased some of the tension in Feliciano's gut, but didn't negate the sense that he was being overlooked.

"How'd you get here? Did these two abduct you?" But at least she was friendly to his brother.

"Pretty much, yeah!" What? Liar. "I was out on a walk when they came roaring down the hill past me!"

"Would you rather we'd kept going?" Lovino chided, but then looked to his wife, "Chichi, we uh-" Suddenly Lovino was mincing words as he scratched his upper lip again the way he always did when he didn't know how to say something. The narrow look Chiara gave him told Feliciano she'd learned to read his brother very, very quickly. "We've been on the road for two days, do you think…?"

Chiara knew what he was asking about, taking a full breath in and clapping her hands together slowly, lips pulled back trying to smile without success. Was she stalling for time? It was horrible to think about, but her sister and mother couldn't have missed their arrival and yet neither one had appeared. It was tense, and awkward, and even Carlino was feeling it where the youngest brother was fidgeting next to him in the sun.

"Yes, the ah- the guest room on the main level, Feliciano, you know which one I mean?" He had to think hard for a moment, trying to remember the layout of a house he hadn't been inside for such a long time. Did she mean… the sunroom? "Yeah, that one. The bed is made so you can just put your things in there."

He hadn't known there was a bed in the glass parlor next to the kitchen, the last time he'd been here there had only been a fold-out cou- oh.

"Is there something wrong with the spare bed ups-?" Aaah- shut up, Carlino!

"That's wonderful, thank you!" Clapping an arm around his brother's shoulders to shut the younger one up, Feliciano made sure his smile was working properly as he laughed a little and nodded. "It should be nice and bright in there, I love the sun!" It might mean a 4am wake-up call for the rest of the week, but he could handle that. "We don't get enough of it in Germany so it'll be a treat." If they wanted him sleeping in the complete opposite end of the house from the rest of the bedrooms then okay, he could handle that. It didn't matter what Lovino's face looked like, it was just more cold water down his back, more ice, ice cold water…

"Here, I'll take your bag then." Lovino reached for and took the duffle-bag from the front passenger seat, and Feliciano let their little brother go where Carlino had fallen quiet and was just watching them with poorly hidden confusion. Chiara had her lips pursed tightly, pinching them between her teeth as she shuffled her feet on the cracked gravel covering the ground. It was hard to think of anything to say as Lovino turned away and walked off. His brother probably expected to be followed but instead Feliciano tried catching his sister-in-law's attention:

"Chiara." She'd just started turning away and he could feel his little brother watching him, but when she turned back around Feliciano mustered what few nerves he naturally possessed and took a few steps closer to her. He could see where her fingernails were digging into her arms, pinching the white cotton as she stared straight at his chest for a moment, then looked up. "I…" Speak, speak c'mon, it wasn't going to get any easier from here on in, so he had to at least make the effort from the start. "I'm sorry I missed your wedding. I know you have no reason to believe me, but I mean it: you don't know how much I regret not being there." Of course, if he'd been told about it then maybe…

She was still looking at him, scrutinizing him, really. Growing up he'd been better friends with Alice, but he'd never not gotten along with the older sister. It was hard to stand there as she pursed her lips again and shifted her weight, the sun beaming down over their heads as she took a breath and then held it. Chiara shook her head a little before coming up with something to say through another half-formed and incredibly forced smile.

"Lovino's the one who wanted you there." But Lovino was the one who hadn't- "I never asked for an adulterer at my wedding." Ah, but he… "Thank you for the painting, Feliciano, but you can find your own way to the bathroom to wash up? I'm going to go start our dinner." Cold water, cold, numbing, fast-moving water that had to just run down and off his back until he couldn't feel it anymore. "Carlino, you're staying for dinner: make sure you call your Nonna and tell her, okay?"

"Uh- yes, Chichi."

With a quick smile that hurt him more than it should have, Feliciano watched his sister-in-law swing her hips as she marched away from him and back under the shade of the front door, passing into the house and leaving the two of them standing out in the sunlight. Despite what he'd already said about being happy to sleep in the sun room, Feliciano found himself drowning in the gold light, placing one hand up over his hot hair. He tried telling himself that maybe he needed to buy a hat, but it didn't change the fact that he'd be better off with a train ticket back to Berlin…

"That… didn't go well." Carlino murmured softly behind him, and it was very, very hard to shake his head and try to escape the glare blinding him on all sides.

"It could have gone worse." He admitted. "I always imagined it being much worse, actually."

"Well, maybe- I mean…" What was wrong? Feliciano turned around and his brother looked very confused for a moment, staring at the ground between them with one hand resting on the older one's arm. "What if I asked grandpa about-?"

"Oh- that…" Cutting Carlino off before he could say the rest of it, he made himself smile for the younger man as he shook his head quickly. "That's a bad idea, I mean I know why you suggested it but- no…" No, there was no way he'd be allowed to stay there, even for a few days. A cold reception here had been expected, but nothing would protect him if he showed up outside the Vargas family home and asked to spend the night- nevermind pass an entire week under their roof.

"Well why not? Nonna's birthday is this week: that's why you came, isn't it?" He hadn't said that… "She still cries sometimes, Feliciano. I know grandpa ignores it, or says it's because of Mama, but-"

"Carlino please…" Eeh, this wasn't something he wanted to talk about, not yet anyways. Not today when he was still so tired from those awful trains, and unwashed from two days of travel. "Thank you, but please don't mention this to grandpa yet, let Lovino handle it, okay? Things are… probably going to get worse for me before they get better. You understand, don't you?" He shouldn't have said the words, but out they came and nothing could take them back. He could see it right on Carlino's face and knew his brother must have thought all of this was just being blown further and further out of proportion.

"No, I don't understand." An engagement gone sour and now he was the scourge of the town? Feliciano couldn't blame him but he couldn't very well tell him either, not right now. He would speak to Lovino first and talk to whoever in the family was willing to meet with him, then he'd decide things like that. "I don't understand any of this, Feliciano, I really don't."

"I'm sorry…" But in the meantime, he could mean it when his brother gave him such an upset, stubborn look. "I know you're not a child anymore, but it's hard to explain everything." No it wasn't, it was horribly simple actually, but what if it upset him the way it had everyone else? "I'll give my right hand not to repeat what happened three years ago, Carlino, so just trust me, okay?"

"Why was it that bad?" Broken engagements did not warrant burnt baby pictures and screaming into the night… "I'm not even allowed to write or ask about you, only Lovino-"

"I'm sorry." Opening his arms a little bit, cold fear splashed him when he realized his brother might not go for it, but he walked into the hug and Feliciano had to calm the quaking nerves inside himself. What would he do if by the end of this trip his brother wouldn't come near him anymore? Lovino still hugged him but- oh God, that had taken time… "Trust me, little brother, please, please trust me…"

"I do?" And his little brother squeezed him a little tighter, either sensing again that more was wrong than he could describe, or just confused by the way Feliciano wouldn't let go…

"Then don't stop…" Don't stop trusting him, don't stop looking at him like a brother above all. Please don't ever look at him and see a monster.

"Okay, but-" But..? Was he laughing? "But you really need a shower, Feliciano, please?" Oh.

"You're awful." But he got him to smile, so maybe that was worth something. He clapped his brother on the back and watched Carlino stretch his lips and stick his tongue out, his nose wrinkled up in a look of exaggerated disgust.

"And you smell worse! No more hugs until you do what Chichi said, got it?" Fine, fine. Now why did his brother think it was okay to suddenly grin and thumb his nose like that? "Starting tomorrow you work for me, remember? Don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're my big brother!"

"Ve~! Who do you think taught you how to take an order?" He'd twist his brother's ear off if he wasn't careful, but the sun just kept coming down stronger and stronger on them. As silly as Carlino was being it couldn't compete with the heat.

"They're really putting you in the sunroom?" Mm, maybe Chiara wanted him to suffocate before dinner. "Oh, hey, I forgot to ask." Hmm?

Feliciano had just started walking towards the house when Carlino called him back again, his hands in the pockets of the light spring jacket he was still wearing just to keep the sun off his skin. He kind of had to squint through the sun to see his bright-eyed brother watching him, but Carlino was scuffing his feet over the gravel and looking at the ground again.

"Do you, um… Are you going to go see Mama?" Feliciano took a long, slow breath and looked down at his own feet for a moment, turning a piece of white gravel over with the toe of his shoe before coming up with an answer.

"If not this evening, then tomorrow morning, yes." Feliciano owed her that much.

"Can I come with you?" He held his breath again, watching Carlino look at him and then immediately drop his head again, watching their shadows.

"Not the first time, no." It was hard for him to say that, but he had to. He wouldn't let his brother see him like that, least of all in front of her. "But after that, of course. We'll go as many times as you want."

"I'm sorry." …

"It wasn't your fault, Carlino." Happy and heavy, warm and so, so cold… this conversation was awful for both of them. He held one hand out to his younger brother, watching the way he kept his head down, shoulders slumped and hands behind him like a guilty child. "C'mon, let's go inside." And get out of this awful heat…

There was comfort and concern in the way Carlino took his hand, squeezing his fingers hard for a moment before letting himself be tugged inside. Feliciano looked up only once before they finally passed from the brilliance in to the almost dark interior of the house, but what he saw looked more like an illusion.

There was no reason to think he saw another set of caramel brown eyes watching them from the upstairs window.

There was even less reason to wonder why she pulled the curtain shut between them.

Did not accomplish as much as I was hoping to, but at least I got a chapter done and I know precisely where the next one will go. I think my problem is that I made the average length quite short, and because of how slowly it's going I would rather post many small chapters than only a few very long ones.