Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.
Walden and Thomas sprinted up the driveway to the house. Walden rapped on the door and announced himself. Nobody answered.
"This is creepy," Thomas muttered.
They both could still hear the screams.
Walden tried the door. It was unlocked. He pushed it open as quietly as he could.
The house was cool and dim. The living room window was wide open.
Walden noticed that Thomas was carrying one of his big snack bags from lunch. "What did you bring that for?" he hissed.
Thomas shrugged. "I'm hungry!"
"Focus, Thomas." Walden rolled his eyes. Who brings snacks to a possible crime scene?
"The backyard," Thomas whispered. The screams were coming from behind the house, not from inside it.
Walden nodded. He had come to the same conclusion himself. He led the way through the hallway and kitchen until they reached a sliding glass door which opened to the backyard.
Walden slid it open and stepped silently through it. Thomas slipped out behind him.
"Holy macaroni," Thomas exclaimed quietly.
Walden nodded. There really was no other way to put it.
Five or six adults were running around the backyard, wearing colored, animal-themed inflatable pool rings and water-wings. They held matching foam noodles as though they were weapons. They surrounded two other adults in the same get-up that were, apparently, escaping. One of the encircled men was screaming his head off. The other was spouting lines that sounded like they belonged in old western movies.
Walden quickly gave them all nicknames in his head, to describe them in his report in case they were too delusional to tell him their real names.
He decided on the following: Miss Kitty-Cat, Frog Chick, Fox Chick, Screaming Duckie, Pig Dude, Sir Unicorn, and Mister Moo-cow.
"Give it up, Rossi!" Pig Dude warned.
"Never!" Sir Unicorn yelled. He proceeded to say something long and complicated.
"What did we just walk in on?" Walden murmured.
"Fire!" Mister Moo-cow said. The five adults encircling the renegades blew into their noodles. Blasts of water splashed the escaping duo.
"Maybe we can just turn around, walk away, and act like this never happened?" Thomas suggested.
"Uh, yeah," Walden agreed.
Suddenly, the backyard grew very quiet.
"Too late, they saw us," Thomas whispered.
Rossi stopped up short. Reid crashed into his back and stopped screaming for a moment.
"Well… This is awkward," Prentiss muttered.
"Hello!" Garcia greeted the policemen brightly.
The skinny one gave a little wave. They both looked terrified.
The backyard fell into silence once again.
"Um…" JJ tried to think of something hostess-y to say. She couldn't come up with anything.
Hotch stepped forward.
Mister Moo-cow came forward. "What is your business here?" he asked.
Walden couldn't help staring at the blue moo-cow pool ring he wore.
Thomas piped up. "We received complaints of a little girl screaming in the neighborhood," he explained.
Fox Chick sighed. "Lizzie," she said knowingly.
"Yup. Bunny Lady," Thomas agreed.
"So… we have to kind of take down your names and get identification and everything for the report," Walden said. He drew out a notepad and flipped to an empty page. He dug around in his pocket for a pen, finally found one, and poised it against the page expectantly.
Mister Moo-cow nodded. He went over to a lounge chair and pulled something out of a plastic bag. It looked like his wallet. He walked back over to the police officers.
Mister Moo-cow let the wallet-thing fall open. "BAU Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner, FBI."
Walden dropped his pen.
"Good Lord," Thomas muttered.
"Now this is even more awkward," Frog Chick said. She sounded strangely delighted.
"You mean…" Walden stammered. Darn it all, he never stammered! "You… You're an FBI agent?" He looked pointedly at the blue moo-cow pool ring and water-wings.
Mister Moo-cow snapped his identification shut. "Yes." He gestured to the rest of the adults. "And this is my team."
Thomas laughed nervously. "You all belong to the FBI?"
All of the animal pool ring-clad adults nodded.
Sir Unicorn stepped forward. "I am Senior SSA David Rossi," he declared.
Walden scribbled the name down on his notepad. It sounded familiar. He was sure that if he calmed down and thought about it, he could figure out why. For the moment, though, he just really wanted to get out of this mess.
Thomas couldn't help it. He really wanted to poke that unicorn. It looked so cute and squishy. He reached out slowly with a finger and touched it to the unicorn pool ring that 'Senior SSA David Rossi' wore.
Rossi slapped Thomas' wrist. Thomas recoiled.
"Get your hands off of Betsie!" Rossi hissed. He hugged the unicorn protectively and stepped back.
"Sorry, sorry," Thomas apologized.
Mister Moo-cow/Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner motioned for another adult to give the policemen his or her name.
Pig Dude stepped up. "Derek Morgan," he said with a wave. Despite the awkward pig costume, he moved with a confidence that made the entire ensemble very creepy.
"D-E-R-E-K?" asked Walden. Pig Dude nodded. Walden took down the name. God, this was awkward! He'd rather use a spork than be here right now, doing this!
Miss Kitty-Cat walked up next. "Supreme Goddess of all things Technological," she introduced herself.
Walden's pen paused after the first four letters. "What?" he asked, confused.
"Garcia," Mister Moo-cow said in a warning tone.
Miss Kitty-Cat sighed. "You're no fun. Fine. Penelope Garcia."
Walden copied the name.
Thomas elbowed him. "There's an 'e' at the end of 'Penelope', not a 'y'," Thomas told him.
Walden scowled and changed the spelling. "Shut up," he growled to Thomas. Spelling had always been an enemy to Walden, and Thomas knew it. "I've got this," Walden assured himself.
Miss Kitty-Cat/Penelope Garcia skipped over to a lounge chair covered with vivid towels and sank into it.
Fox Chick and Frog Chick came up next.
"Emily Prentiss," Frog Chick said bluntly.
Walden managed to copy down the first name but he got stuck on the last name. Prentiss. How in the heck was that supposed to be spelled?
Walden began to sound it out. "P…." He jotted down a 'P'.
Frog Chick tossed her hair and sighed impatiently. "P-R-E-N-T-I-S-S," she fired.
"Thank you," Walden mumbled gratefully.
Fox Chick said, "Jennifer Jareau."
Walden paused. Good God, was that French? It sounded French. Damn. He could never spell French names.
Thomas sighed, exasperated. He reached for the notepad and pen, but Walden jerked it away. "I've got this!" Walden hissed. He wrote down Fox Chick's first name. He looked up at her.
Fox Chick blinked. She didn't know what he wanted, and he was too embarrassed to ask.
Frog Chick smirked. "J-A-R-E-A-U," she told Walden.
"Thank you!" Walden said.
Frog Chick frowned. "Learn to spell," she said. She and Fox Chick turned and went back to their lounge chairs to chat.
The only one left was Screaming Duckie. He milled around aimlessly, holding his yellow noodle close as though it were a teddy bear.
"Duck! Come here for a minute. We need to get your name," Thomas called.
Screaming Duckie waddled over. "Spencer Reid. R-E-I-D."
"Thank you very much," Walden said. He closed the notepad and pocketed the pen.
Thomas and Walden looked around. All of the adults were watching them very closely.
Walden cleared his throat. "So… since there isn't any problem here, we'll just be going now…"
"Wait!" Screaming Duckie called.
Walden and Thomas turned back towards the backyard.
Screaming Duckie pointed at the snack bag in Thomas' hand.
Reverently, he said, "That.. It can't be! Oh, but it is! Chex Mix!"