Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Author's Note: *Evil laughter* Who do you think will be next to go insane?

"JJ?" a voice called.

JJ's mind shot out of the glorious rest. She fought through the remaining ties of darkness to reply coherently. "Hmph."

"JJ?" JJ recognized the voice. It belonged to Hotch.

Louder, JJ mumbled, "What do you want?" Damn you, Hotch, JJ thought. She had been so close to sleeping!

"I just thought you might want to know…. Rossi's eating your flower garden."

JJ's eyes snapped open. "What did you say?" She peeled herself off of the back of the lounge chair. Sitting up, now, she stared at Hotch, who was looking remarkably comfortable with a bowl of tortilla chips.

Hotch's hand paused in its ascent to his mouth with a chip in order to answer. "Rossi's eating your flower garden," he repeated smoothly.

JJ turned to look at her flower garden, which occupied the back half of the backyard. Sure enough, there was Rossi. He was crouched in the middle of the zinnias, chewing away and chatting with his unicorn pool ring and noodle.

JJ couldn't quite believe this. But when she squared it with everything else that had happened so far today, it didn't seem so odd after all. Nonetheless, her precious garden desperately needed saving.

JJ whipped around, half-falling out of her chair. She crashed to the ground, banging her left knee against the concrete. She flailed around and grasped at the lounge chair for balance.

"Rossi!" JJ shrieked. "Get out of my garden!"

She pulled herself up from the ground and charged into the zinnia patch. She stopped up short just before crashing into him.

Rossi stared up at her. He blinked slowly while calmly munching on a flower.

"Out!" JJ ordered. She pointed toward the pool.

Rossi blinked again. He reached to pluck another flower, but JJ slapped his hand away.

"Out!" She repeated.

Rossi stared at her some more. His eye twitched.

JJ sighed. She let her arm fall to her side. What a day. The next pool party would be hosted elsewhere, indeed if the team was willing to go through any of this again at all.

Rossi tipped his head to the side and seemed to look right through her.

JJ mustered her indignation. "Out! This is my garden, Rossi! Remove yourself from it!"

There was absolutely no reaction. JJ glanced over her shoulder at the pool. Hotch and Walden were watching her, amused. The rest had failed to notice her plight.

JJ turned back to Rossi. While she had looked away, he had snatched another zinnia and was now chewing it to bits.

"Aah! No! Bad Rossi!" JJ felt like whining and stamping her feet. She pulled herself together and pointed back at the pool again. "Out. Go on," she prodded. "Shoo!" She flicked her hand in a dismissing motion. It got no reaction, but it was fun, so she did it again. "Shoo!" she repeated.

Rossi still did not respond.

JJ shook her head. This was really getting out of hand.

She swooped down and yanked the purple foam noodle from Rossi's grasp.

Rossi finally woke up out of his insane trance. "Get your hands off of my Betsie!" he snarled. He grabbed onto one end of the noodle and pulled.

"Get out of my flower garden!" JJ yelled. She pulled on the other end of the noodle and leaned back.

"Betsie requires sustenance same as you or I! You wouldn't deny Reid his Chex Mix, now would you?" Rossi yelled back.

Reid looked up. "Say what about my Chex Mix?"

"Never mind, Reid!" JJ called. "Let go of the damn noodle, Rossi!"

"No way! If you think for just one moment that you can separate my trusty steed Betsie from me, you sure as heck have another thing coming!" Rossi pulled on the foam noodle as hard as he could.

JJ almost lost her grip, but caught it just in time. "This is a foam noodle, for Pete's sake! This isn't a unicorn named Betsie! And anyway, I thought the pool ring was Betsie, not the noodle!"

"The pool ring is Betsie's head, you idiot! What you're trying to take from us right now is the rest of her body!"

"Wait… so she's, like, decapitated? Eew!" JJ stuck her tongue out and pulled harder on the purple foam noodle.

"How dare you! Betsie is whole in spirit!" Rossi yelled. He dug his heels into the soft soil of the flower garden and leaned back as far as he dared.

"Rossi, there is no Betsie!" JJ shouted. "All this is, is just a bunch of foam and plastic!"

"Blasphemy!" Rossi growled. "Don't listen to her, Betsie!"

"Foam and plastic!" JJ ranted. "Just foam and plastic!"

"Don't worry, Betsie! I won't let her berate you like that!" Rossi hollered.

"You!" He pointed at JJ. "You have tarnished our reputation of courage and bravery!"

"What?" JJ was confused at the sudden accusation. But that was all Rossi needed. As her grip slackened, Rossi pulled the noodle from her grasp and stood up.

"How dare you encroach on our meal! Away with you!" Rossi flicked his hand in much the same motion as JJ had moments earlier.

"No! You're eating my flower garden! I have a right to kick you out of it!" JJ couldn't believe she was really getting dragged into this.

"I don't see any kicking going on," Rossi observed to Betsie. Then to JJ, "Stand down, coward. One that will resort to the petty act of thievery is not worthy to face Betsie and I as an adversary! Run away, cowardly thief, run away or produce your weapon, for I hereby challenge you to a battle for honor!"

JJ nearly went back to retrieve her orange foam noodle weapon. Just in time, she realized that the least productive thing to do was to get into a noodle battle with her boss in the flower garden over the honor of a non-existent unicorn.

JJ sighed and rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palm. After a moment of silence, she threw her hands above her head and retreated to the pool area.

"You know what, Rossi?" she said to him. "Go ahead. Eat my garden. You and Betsie have a nice meal there. Go on, eat it all. Eat all of my hours and hours of planting, watering, tending, and care. Just destroy it all! Go on!" JJ found that she was smiling and laughing in a lyrical, creepy sort of way, and discovered that she just didn't care anymore.

When JJ arrived back by the pool, she found everyone staring at her. Everyone was looking at her most oddly. Reid had emerged from his Chex Mix, Garcia paused in her laughing, and Prentiss had even temporarily stopped beating up on Morgan in favor of staring at her as though she was insane.

"What?" JJ tossed her hair. "What are you all looking at me for? I'm not the crazy one. That award goes to Rossi over there." JJ pointed behind her, to where Rossi was devouring her flowers again.

Everyone slowly went back to whatever they had been doing previously.

Out of the spotlight, JJ sank back into her chair and closed her eyes. Maybe she could get a little sleep now. Oh, God. What a day…