Disclaim- i do not own Hollyoaks or the characters or general plot. I do own most of the plot. I've also put a bit of dialog in which is actually said in the Hollyoaks episode but it probably won't happen again.

AN (authors note): There was alot to fit in in this chapter and it was hard work! By the way for people who do not watch Hollyoaks – Jasmine/Jason lives in a pub!

Jasmine/Jason Hollyoaks

Chapter 5

Fern has been driving me nuts. First she admits she's a lesbian, then she denies it, then she decides that she actually is a lesbian and she wants me and her to get together as a couple! Can you believe it? I can't! There's always a catch; no wonder she was being friendly! I told her she was being ridiculous. I like boys! And why would i want to be her boyfriend anyway, when she's made my life a misery? When i told her to back off, she took it the wrong way completely. She's still going to blackmail me, for money, but now she wants even more money. I'm going to have to steal what i can from the till at the pub; it's the only way i can keep this secret a secret.

Bleep bleep my phone's ringing.

"Jasmine? Where are you, I've been waiting for you for ages! Hurry up!" Bart chokes down the phone. I'm meant to be round his place, but Fern has demanded her money NOW, and if i don't get it to her then there'll be trouble. I'm not afraid of her or anything – she has a secret too – but if this Jason thing gets out then my life is as good as over.

Bleep bleep

It's ringing again, and this time it's Mark.

"Hi, Jason, it's Mark. Look, come down the skate park now, i don't care if you're busy, cancel it!" he says. Mark is one of the lads I've been hanging out with at night. He's an alright bloke; if i was really a boy, I'd be there straight away; but right now I'm dressed as Jasmine, and ready to meet Bart.

"Why?"

"There are some fit girls down here that are well up for it. I reckon we could have 1, maybe 2 of them. If that's not a good enough reason to get down here i don't know what is. Hey, one of them says she knows you...Fern," as he says her name i feel a pang of dread in my stomach. My throat goes dry and unpleasant – i mean, why does she have to stick her big nose in my business all the time?

"Let me talk to her!" i growl at him, and i listen as he passes the phone to her.

"Hiya Jason!" she squeals in that cute and girlie tone of voice, "are you coming then?"

"What are you playing at?"

"I want a bit of fun so play my game with me, Jason. Unless you're too busy with Bart? Has he touched you?" she laughs at me. I want to fight back, like the other day, but her words effect me and i feel heavy and lost, "Cos the bits he likes to see and touch, are the bits you wish you never had!"

That's it. I put the phone down. I am going to the skate park, and I'm going to make her wish she never said that!

In the rush of changing into Jason's clothes, i forget completely about Bart. I won't be long anyway; and I'm sure he can wait!

I'm at the skate park in half an hour; a bit late but i had numerous missed calls from an angry Bart. When i get there, I'm still as mad as ever; and Fern just makes it worse!

"Here he is. See i said he'd come. Why are you late Jason? Choosing what to wear? Why are you wearing that hat again eh? Come on, take it off!" she grabs me and starts fiddling with my grey beanie hat. She can't take it off, it would reveal everything! We had a deal! She wouldn't do this, would she?

She would. Because right now she's tugging at my hat, and i can't handle it any more, i have to make her stop, and there's only one way.

Next thing i know, Fern is lying on the ground, her nose is bleeding heavily and there's red all over my fist. I've just punched Fern.

Suddenly, I see Bart racing round the corner. He's seen me, and now he's coming for me.

"Get off her you coward!"

He pulls me at him, and i turn away, desperate for him not to see my face. His grip is hurting me and I'm struggling like mad to get free and I do, and fortunately he doesn't run after me.

I race home as quickly as i can and flood the place with tears. The pub is dark and lonely – the perfect place to let out all my emotion. Jem, my sister, is upstairs, so I'd better keep the noise down.

After I've settled myself on a stool at the bar and created a puddle of tears on the counter, i get out my phone and have a look at all the missed calls from Bart. Why didn't i answer them? He must be dead angry!

Bleep bleep my phone rings again, Bart. I pick it up and answer quietly; I've only just stopped crying!

"Finally you answer! I've called you about 50 times. What's going on?" he asks. I don't want to talk to him. I feel bad about hurting Fern, and although he doesn't know it, he's just tackled me! I ignore his question.

"Are you alright Bart?"

"Yeah, I'm a bit freaked out though. I went looking for you and... and i saw something..."

"What?" i demand. He hasn't recognised me as Jasmine has he?

"Come over to mine and i'll tell you then!" he hangs up. Anxiously i change back into Jasmine and run all the way to his house; avoiding anywhere Fern or Mark could be lurking. What did he see?

The first thing i saw when i see Bart is,

"Tell me about this Jason," and he does.

"He's a psycho! He hangs round with that Mark but nobody knows much about him. He doesn't go to Hollyoaks High or nothing. When i was looking for you, i saw him beating up that Fern girl; what sort of a guy does that?"

"I don't know,"

"I have got to go and find him," Bart looks eager to leave, but i have to stop him.

"Wait, do you want to try again?" i try and persuade him. Last time we did this, it didn't end smoothly. I ran out of the room and wouldn't talk to him. Like i did when he kissed me... he thinks I'm well frigid, but I'm not, it's just... different.

"Are you ready," he asks, smiling. I nod, and before i know it we are twined together under the warmth of his duvet. It's all exciting but every time i think too hard about the situation i look down at my chest and try and hide it from Bart. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve, but when he can't see my body, it makes me feel better.

"What's up, why won't you let me see you naked?" Bart asks, trying to unlock the grasp i have around myself.

"It's not me!" i burst out, regretting what i said. Luckily he just dismisses it and while I'm lay there beneath him feeling ashamed, alone, and uncomfortable, he unlocks my arms and frees my body. I can feel his breath on my skin; it travels through my body in a tingle; like when he kissed me. I love Bart, and i know he's trying his best to make me feel at ease – he keeps reminding me that it's OK and we don't have to go through with it if I'm not ready – but it doesn't make any difference to how i feel.

"Still okay with this?" he asks again. I want to scream at him. NO NO NO, i'm NOT! But no words come out, and i feel trapped under him. Suddenly i feel as if i'm going to be sick. I can't do it, it's too difficult. I can't have sex with Bart! I turn myself over, and curl up into a ball.

"What's wrong now? Why are you covering yourself up. Why don't you want to see you naked?...Jasmine!"

"Don't call me that. Look just...just do it, get it over with!"

"What's wrong with you? You're not normal!"

"No, I'm not!" i sit up, wrapped in the duvet, furious with Bart and with myself!

"Oh, I'm sorry, i didn't mean it that way! Look, it doesn't matter, maybe next time eh?"

"No, there won't be a next time. Find someone else to do it with!"

"What? Are you breaking up with me?" he sounds so confused, and sorry, and i hate it, all of it!

"YES!" i scream; grab my clothes, and lock myself in his bathroom. My face is screwed up and tears pour out of my eyes. Right now it seems like my eyes never stop leaking! I pull my clothes on, shaking with anger. I don't know who i am! I'm not Jason; not really, he's as good as made up! And i'm not Jasmine, i refuse to be her! I'm just a nobody. My arm flings out beside me and the glass full of toothbrushes shatters into the sink. I throw my hand in, feeling the pain of the glass cutting my hand, and pull out a big, sharp, shard of thick glass. Bart is calling me, banging against the bathroom door, but nothing is stopping me. It feels wrong, but i'm at that point of hysteria where i've got nothing to lose. Willingly i roll up my sleeve, take the glass, and make a big long bloody cut through the skin on my wrist. It hurts. So bad! But i continue to scrape harshly at my skin until my sleeve it covered in sticky blood, and i can't bare the pain any longer.

What have i done?