Parallax
By Celtican
Nine: Potential Energy
"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration."
- Nikola Tesla
[Shepard]
The Normandy, four hours out of Therum, ran silent and ahead of schedule. Sabrina exhaled, a short sigh of contentment that her first command was in for smooth sailing. Despite the inauspicious beginning, Shepard could actually allow herself to be optimistic. I'll probably regret thinking it later, but for now...things are looking good, she thought.
After her brief (though enlightening) conversation with Tali, Sabrina had given up completely on going back to sleep. Now, so close to their first step in tracking down what exactly Saren was working on, there wasn't time for extra shuteye. Besides, sleeping for any length of time was always a gamble for Sabrina. Given the various flavors of nightmare fuel that inhabited her subconscious, one errant thought when waking could mean a night of sweating, nauseous terror that left her drained and dull-witted; not the best recipe for planning logistics.
Sabrina looked over surveillance data from Therum, received courtesy of her new Spectre clearance. Mission preparation was a quieting routine for her before every mission she'd done since completing N7 training, even though her plans would likely change the minute she arrived on the surface.
For example, indications of 'heightened geth activity' on the planet probably meant she'd need both firepower and technical subtlety. Moderate entrenchment was predicted, lending more credence to the firepower side of the scale. There had been no sighting of Saren's strange flagship, which eased some of the tension in Shepard's posture; there was no way they were ready to face the veteran Spectre just yet. Overall, conditions were favorable for an approach via the Mako, with long lines of sight towards the dig site. That both pleased and annoyed her, because if she could take advantage of it as a sniper, so could any enemy of similar inclinations. Atmospheric conditions in the area seemed clear enough for Joker to drop them in unnoticed. Her current challenge was figuring out how to be ready for a hostile biotic in the event Dr. T'Soni wasn't keen on fighting against her mother. Asking Wrex for his amp specifications requires a delicate hand, unless I want to put a dent in some obscure bit of krogan honor...
"Commander?"
Sabrina started, letting out a rather undignified squawk as she whirled to face the door. She'd forgotten she'd left it open, and someone had taken advantage of it. She'd made it clear that anyone could come by to talk about...well, anything. So far, it had worked, though she forgot she did it from time to time – case in point.
"My apologies ma'am," Alenko said, slightly embarrassed. "I should have knocked."
"No, no, It's fine. I completely forgot I left the door open." Oh, but do I see some amusement in those dark eyes? Sabrina thought in a teasing sing-song, I think I do...
She found it slightly difficult to concentrate in Kaidan's presence; his voice was the right frequency of whiskey-roughened tenor that went straight to her lizard-brain, demanding air time on the "dirty thoughts" channel. The long elevator rides in the Citadel hadn't helped; the enclosed spaces informed her that he smelled like soap and warmed spices. The planes and angles of his face seemed made for good lighting, and she hadn't yet seen him poorly lit. Seriously fabulous hair too- Shut UP brain, you're not helping!
"You wanted to see me?" Kaidan asked, interrupting her rather derailed thoughts.
Sabrina swallowed, annoyed with the extra saliva she'd accrued in less than a second of Kaidan's presence. Keep it together, marine, he's a subordinate. In the pants and zipped, roger? She coughed. "Yes, of course, come on in." She smoothed her hair down self-consciously, then forced her hands to sit still. "Take a seat wherever, feel free to shut the door..." she let the sentence die an awkward death, because she couldn't finish it any other way that was still professional. What the hell is wrong with me today?
"Sure thing," Kaidan replied with the sanguine calm that she usually felt, sliding the door – nearly (Shut up brain, not helping!)- shut, then stood stiffly across from her. Sabrina, belatedly remembering that the chair behind her was the only seat in the house other than the bed, sat back down.
Okay, she thought, Now the part I can remember how to do. Thank you very much, officer's training. "So, I wanted your thoughts about the mission."
He raised his eyebrows. "From me, ma'am?"
"Sure," Sabrina replied. "You've been on board since before we hit Eden Prime, and things have certainly have changed since then. What are your thoughts?"
[Kaidan]
My thoughts? My strictly professional thoughts, of course. Kaidan rubbed the slightly chilly skin beneath his amp, futilely trying to ease the old discomfort while he thought. He had come here for that reason, had he not? To air concerns with his CO before a mission, making sure he was on the same page before he gave orders in the field. Right?
He became aware of how long he waited to respond, deciding to just roll out with it. "Okay," he said. "I'm a little concerned about the mission parameters. We're an Alliance Navy ship, but we've effectively been commandeered by the Citadel Council for an internal affairs-style mission."
Shepard nodded, her eyes contemplative, the scar not flushing in outrage. "Resentment over 'the aliens taking over the ship, lieutenant?" That was a line he'd overheard Presley use, as well as some of the enlisted contingent. He felt reassured by this attention to detail, though he couldn't say for certain if she would make use of it. Or how she would if she did.
Kaidan shook his head. "No, not like that at all; just an unusual protocol. I'm surprised Udina was able to wrangle it as an ambassador, and not as an officer."
"A gracious political retirement for Anderson, and some buttering up with the higher brass, I imagine. Rear Admiral Mikhailovich will be bullshit for the rest of his life, I think."
"Ma'am?"
The commander waved the comment down. "Normandy was to go to the 63rd Scout Flotilla after the shakedown, and we're now not going. He thinks the ship's an – oh, what was it he said over the FTL – an 'overpriced boondoggle' to begin with, and now he doesn't get to give us the really shitty jobs throughout her commission."
"Ah. I can see how that might be difficult given our current detail, ma'am," he replied, a small grin tugging at her clear enjoyment at needling the notoriously uptight admiral. Let me just file that under "things I probably didn't hear the Commander say." Probably.
Shepard returned his grin, ruffling her short, dark hair. "Right, then, was there anything else?" Her tone did not carry the usual "
"Permission to speak freely, ma'am?"
"Granted, and when it's just us officer-types, drop the formalities please."
"Thank you," he replied, catching the usual 'ma'am' before it left his mouth. "Now, I'm not doubting your competence as an officer, or as a Spectre..." he began.
"To be fair, I'm not even sure what competence as a Spectre means so far, beyond 'not Saren Arterius', but I appreciate it," Shepard interjected.
"Ha, true. Either way, I'm just hoping you aren't the sort of commander who cuts corners to get things done." The statement hit the deck like a pallet of ammunition blocks. He was gun-shy when it came to new and unusual command structures. Every chance he could, he tried to make sure he knew the angles so he'd never feel the way he'd felt as a teenager in brain camp. I really don't want to have to take the steps I did back then...
Shepard sat back in the chair. She thought his words over, her face staying neutral, steel in her gaze. "Could you clarify exactly what that means?"
"You've got a lot of leeway on the assignment as a Spectre, and the Alliance is letting you play the tune how you see fit..." he looked away, noticing her guitar hanging off the wall with a small smirk at his unintentional pun. "I don't know, some people might not use the leeway for the right reasons, you know?"
Another long, crystalline pause. "I think so, lieutenant, but I think you're trying to get at something without getting at something else, if you catch my drift," she replied.
"Let me rephrase it then," he said, shoving his nerves aside in favor of getting through it. "I've seen people who were given next-to-limitless authority over a project, or a group of people, and they use a lot of brute-force power to get the job done. The collateral damage was...ugly."
"How ugly?"
Shit. In for a credit, he thought. He started to demure, to trot out the old sugar-coated story...but stopped. She had been nothing but honest with the crew thus far, to the point of apologizing to them for her interrogation techniques. "I received my training at brain camp-sorry, 'Biotic Acclimation and Training' school...back when humanity was still pretending we understood what the galactic score was about biotics," he said, laying out the basics about the kids in his cohort, the conditions...Rahna...and Vyrnnus.
He wasn't sure he'd ever feel comfortable telling that story to anyone ever again.
[Shepard]
He was hiding something; Sabrina always felt when there was more to a story than the teller let on. It grated on her perceptions like brushing against metal in the life support cabinet; the arid conditions made it easy to build up some static electricity. That sensation of potential energy– that's how she always knew where to look for the truly cutting details. She hated knowing how to read people well enough to break them, to know where to strike to reveal the facet she wanted. On the other hand, a part of her needed this knowledge, needed to strike and discover, to learn. She squashed the urge to do so; now was not the time to drop the hammer on what was obviously a sensitive subject.
"So there you have it," Kaidan finished, "I'm only trying to make sure things are on the level so no one gets hurt...unless of course there aren't any other options."
"Well then," Shepard replied, "if it will allay your concerns for now, know that I try to lead by example rather than having you guess my intentions. If at any point you think I'm in danger of jeopardizing the safety of the crew or our mission, say so."
Alenko looked surprised at the level of freedom her order implied for him. "Understood, ma'am," he said, slipping back into the safety of the navy script. For gods' sake man, I'm not a complete monster, she fumed. To hell with the rumors of how I eat thresher maws and children for breakfast! Shepard unclenched her fists, frustrated with how that fluke of survival on Akuze ate at everyone's perceptions of her. She felt eroded by rumors and speculation. Worse, she wanted her crew to think well of her; looking for validation and not respect was a sure way to sabotage herself.
"Out of curiosity, Shepard, do you make it a habit of talking so candidly to members of your crew?" Kaidan asked, bringing her back to the conversation at hand. Sabrina blinked, her turn for surprise at candor at hand. She thought his question over, replaying the last few minutes as well as their earlier exchanges.
The answer she startled herself with was no. Even with the "open door" experiment she was running as a leadership tactic, she kept things professional to subtly set up a command framework. She didn't crack jokes. She didn't use sarcasm. She certainly didn't talk shit about higher ranking officers to her subordinates like a cadet fueling the gossip mill.
"No, lieutenant...I really don't," she replied, still half in thought as she did so. Her eyes met his, and she suppressed a little shiver of excitement when they fell to his generous mouth and lingered. Shit. I'm in trouble, she thought.
[Kaidan]
"Out of curiosity, Shepard," he said, "do you make it a habit of talking so candidly to members of your crew?" He hadn't meant to blurt the question out, but there it was. He swallowed against what he thought was his brain rushing out to chase the words down.
Shepard seemed as surprised by the question as he was. He watched her mull it over, her brows slightly furrowed, the scar puckering up slightly between them. He marveled at the delicate strength of her features, wondered if her skin felt as soft as it looked. Her semi-distracted response shattered his fascination
"No, lieutenant...I really don't."
He felt the heat in her gaze, the potential spark building between them the still, clean ozone feeling before a thunderstorm. Shit, he thought, fighting for air, I am so getting a court-martial if I don't get out of here. Kaidan cleared his throat. They both jumped a little, eyes clearing from hormone-fueled daydreams. "Uh, well, I think I'll let you get back to planning. I've taken up too much of your time already."
Shepard shuffled some data pads around in her hands. "Sure," she replied. "We can talk more later." The statement came out as half invitation, half if you're alright with that?
Kaidan smiled. "I'd like that." The thousand-watt grin he got in return left him dazzled. He turned and left for crew berthing, praying to everything holy that the Normandy's showers had a setting cold enough to let him survive the day.
/Author's Note
Good grief. I'm back after a hell of a hiatus. Grad school is over, student teaching is over, and my inclination to continue writing Parallax has finally come back from its bender in wherever muses go to drink and ignore their authors. I also re-wrote this chapter about twelve times, since I didn't like how it was playing out. I'm happy with this version, as are you readers, I hope. I've also picked up some of, but not all, the DLC for Mass Effect 3, so I'm front loading material for the latter end of the series, as well as re-playing sections I needed to refresh myself on. Happy reading! /Celtican